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Again NO Planning...Frustrating!!!!

15 years ago

sorry it is long, gotta vent...thanks for listening...

I can't tell you how much it frustrates and upsets me. It's been the same issue on and on with variations. I am a planner, I plan things, I stick to the plans. I simply cannot afford being wishy washy when it comes to my life.

Since I have known my SO, we had the same issue when his DDs are visiting (one is in college the other is an adult lives out of state). Nothing is ever planned, everything always changes, and everythign gets cancelled. I find it beyond frustrating upsetting and anxiety producing. It gets to the point of ridicilous like one year on Thanksgiving DDs changed plans on us 5 times during the day. 5. It literally spoiled the holiday.

Over time I have learned to plan my own things when they visit, then SO gets upset i do not want to spend any time wiht his daughters. Not true. I love to, and they are nice and we get along but I simply cannot sit around hoping they stick to the plan.

They used to never go to their moms, they hate mom's BF, so when they visit they stay at dads only, and see mom on neutral territory. It started to shift a bit because now mom is trying to get closer to her DDs, now they start spending more time with mom. Now lack of planning gets worse. Now they cancel or change plans several times a day when they visit!

Older DD27 is visiting for a week now, for the first time in like 3 years she is going to try to stay with moms because mom is upset DD never visits her. Younger DD20 came from college so she can spend time with her sister, but she doesn't go to sleep and moms, stays at dads.

yesterday DD20 said she wanted us to take her to outlet mall (2 hours away) because she needs new clothes. It is a day long ordeal, I didn't want to spend a day at that mall since we already went there last month with SO. I planned my own things for today. In the morning DD20 says "oh I am not going to go to that mall, i am going to go spend time with mom and sister". OK, fine. But i am not going to change my plans, I am doing what i want to be doing.

SO is upset that his day is ruined, and i am not willing to spend time with him on Saturday. Yes, but he initially planned on going to outlet mall with DD20. now she cancelled. oh well too bad. I am not changing my plans.

Now older DD27, who is visiting and staying at moms, planned on coming over in the morning on Sunday, so we planned all of us have some day trip. now it turns out she only comes over at night on Sunday. I kept Sunday open for her, now plans are cancelled.

I love his DDs, I love to spend time with them but i find extremelly difficult to navigate their lack of planning. And no they don't do it because they don't like me. They do it all the time to everyone no matter if I am here or not, and they do get along wiht me.

When I am gone to visit my daughter they do the same wishy washy plan cancelling wiht dad and wiht mom as well.

SO says that because they don't want to upset neither parent they make promices to both and then cannot navigate between their promices. how does it make any sense? 20 and 27 is old enough to not make promices to both parents.

Now SO says i am avoiding DDs by planning my own stuff when they are around. Not true. i just cannot tolerate sitting around and hoping they stick to plans. I am beyond frustrated. Instead of enjoying their visits I find it frustrating time.

And actually SO feels similar way because he ends up spending most of his time anxious if they stick to the plan or sitting around waiting for them (if they say they will be here at 5PM, but show up at 8PM, or don't show up at all).

I don't think they do it because they are passive-aggressive, seems they do it to everyone. It is exausting to say the least.

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