My Daughter - My Fiance'

17 years ago

Looking for serious opinions that could be considered "Helpful" If you only want to rant about something please post a reply to someone else. I am troubled and it is selfish I am sure. Here is the plight. My daughter has been raised by me since she was 4. Mom left - didnt want to be a wife or a mom. blah blah blah, we both pulled through. I have had a couple other relationships since both failed. Currently daughter is 15, fiance and her boys live with us. She loves her boys and treats them like kings, hates my daughter and nothing I have tried makes her want to get along. My daughter isnt fond of fiance either, but intrestingly enough they both seem ok being in the same house, splitting time. No MAJOR problem with either one of them. The problem is me,,, or at least the only problem I have DIRECT control over is ME, anyhow I wish there was a better familydynamic. I interact with her boys better than most could imagine. My daughter appears to want a better family dynamic but fiance doesnt seem to want to give any. Although neither seem to have an issue with me about it. WOW try and type out what seems a simple explanation and lots of stuff left out. Ask if you want to help. I will give more info - Also please dont assume too much as I realize now how much info simply cannot be shared in one posting. sheesh, thanks for listening!!

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Comments (5)

kkny
17 years ago
Have you suggested family counseling? It is heartbreaking to me -- your D seems like she is getting the short end of the stick.
imamommy
17 years ago
From the limited info you gave, it would not be unusual if your daughter resented another woman coming into your life after having you to herself for 11 years. She has already seen two women come and go and maybe she is leery of this one too... maybe she sees her as temporary as well so why bother to establish anything close?

It is more concerning when you say your fiance treats her sons like kings but hates your daughter. That seems more of a problem than your daughter not liking her since your daughter has cause to be cautious with her feelings.

As a stepmom, there is no way I would have entered into the marriage if I didn't want us to be a family. I've had difficulties, as most parents and stepparents do, with my kids and my stepdaughter... and everyone getting along. However, it is something that we work on all the time because we all want this to work... and it is a lot of work to blend two families. It does not get easier.. it usually gets harder. I would also have a problem being married to my husband if he did not want to at least try to make things better. He has his problems with how my grown son behaves, but he actively looks for ways to improve the situation.

The fact that you say your fiance does not want to give any is a HUGE red flag and perhaps it's time to control what you can... maybe consider her a girlfriend and not a fiance for a while? I wouldn't be planning a wedding/marriage with someone that wasn't willing to give any to make the family situation better. I agree with kkny, that your daughter is getting the short end if you don't stand up for her. She is still the kid and your fiance is supposed to be the adult.
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You are in a difficult situation indeed. I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have a son together. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage and I have a son from a previous marriage. The situation you describe sounds like mine in that my husband shows his biological son an enormous amount of love and my other son nothing. There is basically no interaction at this point between the two. He use to discipline my son, but I felt it was done unfairly so that has stopped. Now we are at the point where he nit picks about every little thing my son does, but not to him...to me. It is sooo annoying. It has weakened our relationship as husband and wife, but at least my son is not constantly hearing the complaints. I must say though that my husband's nit picking has made me more critical of my sons behavior. I feel like I am riding him harder over insignificant stuff so I don't have to listen to my husbands complaints...I keep telling myself I need to stop this. My husband, for the most part, is good to me and our son. My other son is 12 and very into school, friends, and basketball. I try to do extra stuff for him when I can to make up for the fact that he doesn't have a dad and his step-dad wants nothing to do with him. My dad (his grandpa) is also a wonderful role model and strong male figure in his life. He spends a lot of time with him. Is it possible for you to find your other son another strong male role model? Like a grandfather, a friend, or join a big brother big sister group? Maybe that would help him and allow you to stay with your husband. You also must consider your other children too. What effect will it have on them if you take them away from their father?
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sovra
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If I were involved with someone and I thought that they hated my child simply for existing, I would seriously question remaining involved with them. If that person had no interest in working on the situation, I wouldn't remain with them, period. It sends a bad message to the child if you stick with someone like that and it's a huge character flaw on the part of your fiance. It also makes me question how much your fiance really loves you--she ought to care enough about you to want to feel at least neutral towards your daughter.

You may not feel that this is helpful, but I think you should have a serious talk with her about what's happening and say that you want family counseling for all of you. Your fiance, your daughter, you, and the fiance's sons-- all of you probably have things that could be helped. And if your fiance's unwilling to genuinely commit to doing her part, you need to break up and move her and her kids out of your house. Why would you want to remain with someone who holds onto hatred like that?
kkny
17 years ago
People have asked why I havent remarried and a large part of it is that the only men who their has been any mutual interest in have children, actually younger than mine, and I am not prepared to be a SM. I am prepared to be a friend to both the man and his kids, but I can not go further. I know I will never feel the same about his kids that I do with my own. Not everyone is cut out to be a SM. If I lose out on relationship, so be it.
deborah_ps
17 years ago
I don't know how or what occurred that made your fiance "hate" your daughter...that's such a strong emotion isn't it?
I can imagine that your daughter feels that she has to co-exist because where else will she go?
And if your child said or did something in the past to offend your fiance and your fiance is still holding on to a past infraction...well, she needs more maturity, compassion and empathy. I wouldn't settle for less because this woman is shaping the future of your daughter. Would you want your child treating a step child the way she is being treated?
I agree with the others. I mean do you think you want to be involved with someone who might "hate" your future grand child too?
I'd certainly want this sorted out prior to a marriage.
Do you think your fiance will become kinder to your child after you marry her? Unlikely.
You have every right to want your future wife to love and support your daughter. Don't settle for less.

My Daughter - My Fiance'

Comments (5)

kkny

imamommy

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