Not da mamma

19 years ago

Hi eveyone.

i am new to this forum and I've been reading the posts - it's an interesting place to be!

I'm wondering if there are many ppl out there who have opinions on my situation.

I have not a single maternal bone in my body. Not one. I don't enjoy the company of children and yet my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has a 7YO daughter, who we have every other weekend and 1 week at 1/2 term, then 1 week at Christmas. I don't hate her, in fact I feel quite sorry for her a lot of the time, as I know it must be hard to be from a broken home.

My partner knows that I'm not a 'kid person' and he's never expected me to act in any sort of parental role, he really is a wonderful man and I've found my soul mate.

I figure it best to just list out the problems...

1. She seems to be very clingy and immature for a 7YO. She has to be by his side every second of the day, even to the point of standing outside the bathroom and waiting at the door. She also seems to dictate the weekend. Is it natural for SD to play with their daughter as if they themselves are a child? EG participate in 'shop' games etc etc. She seems unable to play by herself. She's rather pushy also, and can talk to him as though hes an idiot. He doesnÂt let her get away with being rude, but he doesnÂt seem to notice that she is dictating the weekends either. Every time she arrives, the first sentence out of her mouth is "Guess what weÂre going to do this weekend?" she then gives me a list of the things she and her dad are going to do. She is not rude when she talks to me, as although I donÂt discipline her and I try to stay out of managing her behaviour, I wont stand for her to be rude or act like a four year old around me. IÂm NEVER mean to her, I try very hard to be happy and funny when sheÂs around, I just donÂt put up with the stuff she throws around at apparently everyone else.

2. her mother is an idiot. I NEVER talk about BM to either my partner or the SD, and of course I never put BM down or say anything to make SD feel badly. But at the end of the day, I really resent that I have to clean up / look after the daughter of this stupid woman. SheÂs bringing the child up to have a similar mentality (SD has told me that when they have an argument, her BM locks HERSELF in her room and often wears ear-muffs) and thereÂs just no way that her father can correct the way SD behaves in two days per week

3. I often find myself starting to get angry/upset on the Thursday or even the Wednesday before the SD weekend, and this frustration persists often until the Tuesday after sheÂs left. I get mad at the smallest, most irrelevant things and find it very hard not to resent my partner for ÂdoingÂ this to me.

4. I have NO INTEREST in sex at all when she is in the house. Is this normal? I find her the most utter mood killer in the world. It just feels so strange to be intimate with my partner whilst there is a 7yo child in the house Â who is the result of him having had sex with another woman.

ThatÂs pretty much the crux of it. I know how I sound, and I know there are a lot of issues that this child is going through, and that she doesnÂt need me to be one of them. However that said, SD has a mom with a partner who adores her, her father who adores her, two sets of grandparents who spoil her rotten and lavish her with attention gifts etc

IÂm actually hardly ever home when she comes for the weekend. I manage to be out of the house pretty much all day and only see her for a couple of hours before she goes to bed. This also makes me feel quite removed from my partner, which is difficult for us both. I hope I donÂt sound childish as this is simply how I feel. I try VERY hard not to show my feeling to SD, and she really likes me which is, I hope, a result of this. IÂm not sure why IÂm writing this, perhaps to see if thereÂs anyone else like me out there? It just seems like fate is laughing at me a little bit Â the girl who never wanted kids now has a SD. ItÂs just really not funny. I get quite desperate about it sometimesÂ I donÂt know. I canÂt leave my partnerÂ is this just the way things will have to be?

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Comments (11)

jenny_alabama
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes this is the way things will be. Although you can make things better than worse. If you plan on being with this man, then you have to learn to accept and care for this child. She is seven - that is still very young. Have some positive influence on her life and hopefully she will grow to be a very good person. It is not so bad as long as you can get along with her. She isn't going anywhere. If you can not handle it then you need to re-think your future with her father. If you are already resenting him due to his daughter, then it will get worse. You can make things better. Just try. The most important thing is get counseling for blended families.
sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
First off, I'd like to start by saying I don't think you are at all a bad person because you don't feel maternal. It is who you are, and you're wise to recognize it.

But that's a bad combination to pair with a man who has a child. Especially when that child's mother is 'questionable'. Bad BioMom's often get worse over time, and mom's who don't discipline their children tend to have children who get worse over time. Which often leads to changes in custody -- either because BioMom can't take it any more, because BioMom begins to abuse the kid, because Dad can no longer tolerate BioMom's poor parenting, or because SD begins to hate her Mom. Whatever the reason though, this lovely little girl may someday move in with her daddy, and if she does, that puts you in a bad position.

If that's not a position you're willing or able to be in, then despite all evidence to the contrary, this is NOT the man for you.
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L. Weeks HT, dr, 2006 Orchard’s Pride HT, 6/2006, pb, 2006 Oriental Staer HT, 9-27-06--11/2006, op, 2006 Pacific Beauty HT, 8.6, pb, 1962 Peachy Pink 8-21-06--11/2006, pb, 2006 VF Pink Killarney HT, mp Pink Promise HT, 7-27-07, pb, 2007 Pink Promises HT, 1-23-06--3/2006, dp, 2006 PinkTraviata HT, dp, 2006 Pope John Paul II 3-21-07, 4/2007, w, 2007 Prudence Elizabeth HT, w, 5-20-07, 6/2007 Red Tropicana HT, or, 2006 Renate HT, op, 2005 Rosario Algorta HT, 8-11-06--10/2006, ly, 2006 Sara Penrose HT, 11/2005, yb, 2005 September Dawn Ht, 6-15-07, dy, 2007 Sharon Marie HT, 11-1-06--1/2007, rb, 2006 Sheer Magic HT, 3-21-07, 4/2007, ob, 2007 Sheila HT, my Smooth Delight HT, 5-20-06--6/2006, op, Smooth Queen HT, 6/2006, yb, 2006 Smooth Snowflake HT, 6/2006, w, 2006 Snuffy HT, 1-23-06--3/2006, op, 2006 Sophisticated Lady HT, 6-1-06, ab, 2006 Soul Mate HT, 1-23-06--3/2006, pb, 2006 Souv du President Carnot>>>Souvenir du President Carnot * Speelwark HT, 9-27-06, 11/2006, yb, 1997 Spellbound HT, 3-21-07, 4/2007, op, 2006 Spice Trail HT, 11-1-06--1/2007, pb, 2006 VF Ssuella HT, dy, 2002>>>Suela * St. Ignatius HT, my, 2001 Sudhanshu HT, 9-27-06, 11/2006, lp, 2005 Summer Love HT, my, 8-26-07, 2007 Sweet Freedom HT, w, 2006 Tahitian Sunset HT, 3-21-07--4/2007, ab, @ Tassie Carraline HT, mr, 5-20-07, 6/2007 Tassie Melanine HT, lp, 5-20-07, 6/2007 Tblbeta HT, 3-5-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 The Belle Canadese HT, 3/200, lp, 2006 Thinking Of You HT, mr, 2001 Trump Card HT, 2-18-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Twilight Tryst 11-14-06--1/2007, m, 2006 VF Unlit Snow HT, mp Welcome Home 3-21-07, 4/2007, ly, 2007 Wenche HT, 12-17-06--1/2007, w, 2006 Westminster 50th Anniv mp, 5-16-07※6/2007 Zena HT12-11-06--1/2007, lp, 2006 VF GRANDIFLORAS: (Gr) Arolaqueli Gr, m, 1986 Aztec Gold Gr, dy, 2006 Bride Of Colmar Gr, mr, 2004 Carla Ann Gr, 11-1-06--1/2007, yb, 2006 Catalina Gr, 3-21-07, 4/2007, ab, 2007 Centennial Gr, ab, 2006 Crystal River Gr, 8-11-06--9/2006, ly, 2006 Dream Come True 9-27-06--11/2006, yb, 2008 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mr, 2006 Rainbow Sorbet F, yb, 2006 @ Rainy F, 8-11-06, 10/2006, mr, 2006 Raspberry Ice F, pb, 1989>>>(Min Fl) Red Leonardo Da Vinci F, dr---2004 Saxy Bob F, op, 2000 Scent To Remember 6-13-05--9/2005, ab, 2006 Shockwave F, my, 8-17-07, 2007 Sisters At Heart F, ab, 2006 Sixteen Candles F, lp, 2006 Soft Morning F, 1-31-06--6/2006, ab, 2006 Ssiena Vigorosa F, op, 1997 Steve Chase F, 6/2006, ob, 2006 Strawberry Ice F, pb, 1986 Summer Flurries F, w, 2002 SunQueen F, 11-13-05--5/2006, yb, 2006 Sweet Response >>>The Optimist Sweet San Carlos F, 6-13-06--7/200, m, 2006 Tassie Laua-Maree F, dp, 5-20-07 Tassie Mme Mariah F, w, 5-20-0-7※6/2007 The Daldry Rose F, 11-14-06--1/200, rb, 2006 The English Lady F---17/25, ab, 2005 Tricia F, w, 1970>>>>>>>>>2007 OL Tye Dye F, >>>5-21-06 >>>(Min Fl) Valerie Ann F, 1-23-06--3/2006, dy, 2006 Vince Butterworth F, 5-4-06, rb, 2006 Wedding Cake F, 6-15-07, w, 2007 White Walko F, 8.7, dr, 1957 Winter Haven F, 8-10-06--9/2006, lp, 2006 MINIATURES: (Min) Able Min, 11-20-06--1/2007, yb, 2006 Austin Jace Min, 2-28-06--5/2006, m, 2006 Big Apricot Min, ab, 2006 Billy Fury Min, 1-23-06--3/2006, lp, 2006 Black Heart Min, 6-13-06--7/2006, dr, 2006 Bonfire Min, 8-11-06--10/2006, rb, 2006 # Burgess pink ** Min, mp Burgess red ** Min, mr Burgess Yellow ** Min, my Caramel Kisses Min, 3-21-07, 4/2007, m, 2008 Caroline Nicholos Min, 2-23-06--5/2006, m, Changing My Habits 6-13-06--7/2006, r, 2006 Chelsea Brittlyn 12-17-06--1/2007, mp, 2006 Cherry Rose** Min, dp Chinaberry** Min, yb Coffee Bean Min, 10-1-06--11/2006, r, 2008 Damara Min, 6-27-06--9/2006, mr, 2006 Danara Min, 6-13-06--7/2006, rb, 2006 Darla Min, lp, 8-26-07, 2007 David D. Berstein, CL Min, 4-20-06--6/2006, mr Daylight’s Glow Min, 7-5-06--10/2006, my Dr Michael Noble 9-27-06--11/2006, ob, 2007 Dukata Min, 6-27-06--9/2006, ob, 2006 Eveka Min, 7-2-06--10/2006, pb, 2006 George’s Pride Min, ob, 5-20-07, 6/2007 Gloria des Lawranceanas ** Min, dr, 1837 Glowing With Pride Min, 7-2-06--10/2006, ob Golden Horizon Min, 7/2006, my, 2006 Icelantic Angel Min, w, 8-17-07, 2007 ? Happy Thoughts Min, 4-10-06--6/2006, ob Heidi-ho Min, 8-10-06--10/2006, ab, 2006 Hope And Joy 6-15-07, ob, 2007 John Boy Min, 11-20-06--1/2007, yb, 2006 Josh Alonso Min, 9-26-06--11/2006, op, 2007 Joy Min, pb, 5-20-07, 6/2007 Joy In The Morning Min, 10/2006, ab, 2006 Karmini Minimo Min, mr Klassy Lady 8-10-06--10/2006, pb, 2006 Lemon Up Min, 6-13-06--7/2006, yb, 2006 Little Pete Min, or, 2006 Love And Peace Min, 6-15-07, rb, 2007 Mardarin Min, 8-10-06--11/2006, lp, 1987 Marita Lindner Min, 10-1-06--11/2006, lp, 2006 Miss Ruth Min, mp, 1959 Molly Min, 8-2-06--10/2006, mp, 2006 Mother Lode 11-1-06--1/2007, yb, 2006 Noon Sunshine Min, 10/2006, ly, 2006 Orange Classic Min, ob, 2006 Orange You Happy Min, 7/2006, m, 2006 Orange-Cherry Up Min, 7/2006, or, 2006 Ox Min, 7.0 (7.2), rb, 1986 Pearl Sanford Min, 3-21-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Pennies From Heaven, Cl, 11/2006, r, 2007 Petite Perle d’Or Min, 1-22-07, 4/2007, ab, 2006 Pink Joey Min, 6.2, 1953 Pink ’n’ Pretty 1-22-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Pink Twist Min, 6-15-07, pb, 2007 Purple Passion Min, m R.C. Min, w Red Hot Friendship Min, rb, 2001 Rosemarin Min, pb---1965 Saluda Min, 10-2-06--11/2006, ob, 2007 # Sleeping Beauty Min, pb, 2005>>>(Min Fl) Smoked Salmon Min, 3-21-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Snowman Min, w Soulmate Min, 1-22-07, w, 2007 Spring Fling 10-1-06--11/2006, mr, 2006 Tiddly Winks Min, 10-1-06--11/2006, yb, 2008 Tiko Tiko Min, rb, 2001 Top Priority Min, lp Vital Parade Min, my, 2002 Warm & Fuzzy Min, mr, 5-20-07※6/2007 White Chariot Min, w, 2005 Willing Min, 11-20-06--1/2007, yb, 2007 Zwergkonig 78 Min, dr>>>(Min Fl) MINI-FLORA: (Min Fl) Abby’s Angel 1-8-07, 4/2007, dy, 2007 Alan Sandy Min Fl, 8-11-06, 2006 Bonfire Min Fl, >>>11-1-06, (Min) Bud Meyers Min Fl, 8-21-06, ob, 2006 Carolyn’s Passion Min Fl, my, 1-23-06 Chatsworth Min Fl, dp, 1998>>>(S)>>>2007 OL Edisto Min Fl, 1-22-07, 5-20-07, 2007 Gladys Quine Min Fl, 3/2006, ob, 2005 Golden Jewel Min Fl, dy, 1959 Grace Sharington Min Fl, mp, 5-20-07, 2007 High Ambition 8-21-06--11/2006, ab, 2006 Hot To Trot Min Fl, 8-21-06, or, 2006 Ingrid’s Sister Elisabeth 8-3-06, pb, 2006 Kieran’s Rose Min Fl, 1-1-06, yb, 2006 Kim Peters Min Fl, 2-23-06--5/2006, mp Lady Jennifer Green Min Fl, 2-23-06, dr Leading Lady Min Fl, 8-11-06, w, 2006 # Loyal Vassal 1-8-07, 4/2007, ob, 2007 Mariam Ismailjee 9-27-06---11/2006-2007 Mary’s Pleasure-the Marywoods Rose Min Fl, >>>>>>>>>>>>>5-10-06, dp, 2006 Mee Maw Min Fl, 9-14-06, pb, 2006 Memphis Cajun Min Fl, 4-30-06, m, 2006 Memphis Music Min Fl, 5/2006, rb, 2006 Mr JCB Min Fl, 4-2-06, my, 2006 Mr Lenard Min Fl, 1-8-06, 4/2007, mp, 2007 Mrs Mavis Watson Min Fl, 3/2006, ly, 2007 My Inspiration M/F, 1-8-07, 4/2007, w, 2007 Nature’s Wonder 1-8-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Nolpeg Min Fl, 7-14-04--8/2004, m, 2004 Nolsue Min Fl, 11-18-04--9/2005, pb, 2005 Picture Perfect 1-8-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Ready Min Fl, 1-20-06, yb, 2007 Regina Lee’s Sister Min Fl, temporary AEN Ricky Hendrik Min Fl , 8-2-06, dr, 2007 Rio Rita Min Fl, 3/2003--3/2006, dy, 2006 Shenandoah Min Fl, 8-2-06, dr, 2006 Sleeping Beauty l-10-31-05--6/2006, pb The Creakers Rose 2-23-06--5/2006, 2006 The Guthrie Rose 8-21-06--11/2006, 2006 Trifling Min Fl, rb, 2006 Tye-Dye Min Fl, 5-21-06, rb, 2006 Valentine’s Day 9/2004, 7-2-06, dr, 2004 Vera Roberta Carver 1-23-06--3/2006, 2007 Vice Versa Min 11-20-06--1-2007, rb, 2007 Wind Rhythm Min Fl, ob, 2001 POLYANTHA: (Pol) Alfalfa Pol, m, 8-26-07, 2007 Bossa Nova Pol, mp, 1992 Cotilde Soupert>>>Clothilde Soupert--1890 * Cotton Candy Pol, lp, 8-26-07, 2007 Fluffy Cloud Pol, 2-15-07, 4/2007, w, 2004 Little White Star Pol, 2-18-07, 4/2007, w, 2004 Marshmallow Pol, w, 8-26-07, 2007 Pink Sweetie Pol, 2-18-07, 4/2007, lp, 2004 Spanky Pol, mp, 8-26-07, 2007 Wing-Ding Pol, 10-18-06, 11/2006, mr, 2007 CLASSIC SHRUBS: HYBRID MUSKS (HMsk) De Tous Mois ** HMsk, w---Frencesca HMsk, ab, 1922 Spanish Musk Rose ** HMsk, w, HYBRID KORDESII (HKor) Cape Diamond HKor, mp, 8-26-07, 2007 HYBRID RUGOSA: (HRg) Carmina HRg, mr Caroyal ** HRg, mr Lavender White Rugosa HRg, m, 2002 Parnassine** HRg, m, 1825 Purple Springs HRg, 2-13-06, m, 2006 HYBRID WICHURANA (HWich) Lonesome Dove HWich, 10/2006, w, 2006 VF MODERN SHRUBD: (S) Ancelin** S, dp, 1829 Anna De Boleyn** S, lp, 1829 Annie S, ly, 1998>>>Annie East Atocha Gold S, 8-11-06, 9/2006, my, 2006 Baby Luke S, 1-23-06--3/2006, pb, 2006 Beginnings S, pb, 2006 Belle Rosine** S, dp, 1820 Bishop’s Castle 11-14-06--1/2007, mp, 2006 Camille Rose S, 12-1-06, 1/2007, mp, 2006 Caramella S, 8-29-06, 11/2006, my, 2001 Catherine Guelda S, 11-1-06--1/2007, m, 2006 Cesar S, 1995>>>(LCl) Cicely Phippen Marks S, lp, 8-26-07, 2007 Cinderella S, 8-29-06--11/2006, lp, 2003 Citrus Splash S, 3-21-07, 4/2007, ob, 2007 Cole’s Settlement S, w, 1-23-06, 2006 Darcey Bussell S, 11-14-06--1/2007, rb, 2006 Dolly’s Forever Rose S, rb, 2-23-06, 2006 Domaine De St Jean de Beauregard S, mp, 2006 Emina S, 7-2-06--10/2006, rb, 2006 Enigma Variation S, mp---2006 Evelyn May S, 5-20-06--6/2006, op, 2006 Exuberance S, mr, 2006 Faith S, m, 2002 Fakir’s Delight S, 6-13-06, 7/2006, w, 2006 Festive Jewel S, 5-20-06--6/2006, pb, 2005 Footloose S, dp, 1998>>>>>>2007 OL Fun Jwan Lo** S, w, 1910 Fur Elise S, 5-10-06, pb, 2007 Ganges Mist S, 5-18-05--7/2005, w, 2005 Gardener’s Joy S, 9-26-06, 11/2006, ab, 2005 Gentle Hermione 11-14-06--1/2007, 2006 Gina’s Rose 6-1-06--7/2006, rb, 2006 VF Golden Fanfare S, 1-22-07, 4/2007, my, 2005 Good ‘n’ Plenty 3-21-07, 4/2007, pb, 2007 Great Wall S, dp, 2005 Grosse Mohnkopfs Rose** S, dp, Hardii** S, yb, 1834 Henry Bierbauer S, pb, 2006 Hurdalsrosen** S, mp, 1860 Ida Red S, 8-11-06--9/2006, mr, 2006 Inclanation S, dr, 2006 Instigation S, dr, 2006 Island Dancer S, pb, 2006 Ivor’s Rose S, 5-20-06, 6/2006, rb, 2005 Ivory Warrior S, 6-1-06, 9/2006, w, 2006 Jaune Bicolor** S, yb, 1633 Joan Beatles S, 5-20-06--6/2006, dr, 2005 Joe Grey (WILjoeg) S, 2/2003, m, 2003 Josi S, 6-15-07, ly, 2007 Kitty’s Rose S, 5-20-06--6/2006, lp, 2004 La Bitta S, dy, 2005 Lady Emma Hamilton 11-14-06--1/2007, or, 2006 VF Lady Of Megginch 11-14-06--1/2007, dp, VF Landmark S, 1-23-06--3/2006, pb, 2006 Lichfield Angel S, 11-14-06--1/2007, w, 2006 Loreto Gold S, 3-21-07, 4/2007, yb, 2007 Lovely Child S, 5/2006, ab, 2006 Lowel Allen S, op, 2005 Margaret Jean S, 9/2006, pb, 2006 Mariee S, 2-15-07, 4//2007, ab, 2008 Mirato S, dp, 1998>>>>Footloose>>>>2007 OL Miss Bloomsalot S, 9/2006, op, 2006 Miss Lillian S, 1-23-06※3/2006, pb, 2006 Nativity S, ab, 2006 Nelson’s Pride S, 9-26-06--11/2006, w, 2006 Olive S, mr, 1982>>>>>>>>>>2007 OL Orange Cluster S, ob, 2006 Our Beth S, 9-26-06, 11/2006, lp, 2006 Out Of The Night 6-13-06--7/2006, w, 2006 Paddy ‘n’ Elizabeth S, 10/2006, ob, 2006 Paint The Town S, mr, 2005 Palm Springs S, 6-1-06--9/2006, mr, 2006 Palmengarten Frankfurt 11/2006, dp, 1988 Paul Cottingham S, 5/2006, dy, 2006 Persian Flame S, 6-15-07, rb, 2007 Persian Peach S, 6-15-07, yb, 2007 Pink Bianca S, mp, 2002 Pink Delight S, mp, 1999 Pink Double Knockout S, mp, 8-26-07, 2007 Pink Perlude S, 2-13-06--7/2005, mp, 2005 Pinnatifide ** S, mp, Plum Frost S, 3-21-07, 4/2007, m, 2007 Poise S, lp, 2006 Pourpre Ancien ** S, m, 1829 Premier Essai** S, w, 1866 Rainbow Knockout S, mp, 2006 @ Raspberry Bouquet 12-1-06--1/2007, 2006 VF Red Popcorn S, dp, 2005 Riches S, m Roisin Ruddle S, ob, 2004>>>Ron Ruddle * Rosy Vision S, 1-26-06--3/2006, mp, 2006 Rustler’s Dream S, 8-11-06--9/2006, lp, 2006 Scarlet Velvet S, mr, 2006 Schulenfest S, 8-11-06--9/2006, ly, 2006 Sherlock Holmes S, ab, 2006 Simon Estes S, 6-1-06--7/2006, mp, 2006 Sister Elizabeth 11-14-06--1/2007, mp, 2006 Snowcone S, 3-21-07, 4/2007, w, 2006 Stint S, or, 2006 Strawberry Hill 11-14-06--1/2007, lp, 2006 VF Striata** S, rb, Summer Song S, 11-14-06, ob, 2006 Summer Sunrise S, 6/2006, lp, 2006 Sun Queen S, 3/2006>>>(F) Sunny Knock Out S, ly, 8-17-07, 2007 Sweet Meidiland S, lp, 2003 Tea Clipper S, 11-14-06, 1/2007, ab, 2006 Teeny Bopper S, rb, 8-26-07, 2007 The Abbottsford Rose (WILjoeg)>>>Joe Grey The Imposter S, pb, 8-26-07, 2007 The Shepherdess 11-14-06, 1/2007, ab, 2006 Turneps** S, dp, Watercolors S, 10-1-06, 11/2006, yb, 2007 White Popcorn S, 17/25, w, 2005 Wild Edric S, 11-14-06, 1/2007, dp, 2006 Wild Thing S, 3-21-07, 4/2007, dp, 2007 Windermere S, 11-14-06, 1/2007, w, 2006 LG. FLOWERED CLIMBERS: (LCl) Amber Cloud LCl, 2-28-06, 5/2006, dy, 2006 Apricot LCl, ab, 2006 Blaze Of Glory LCl, ob, 2004 Brite Eyes LCl, pb, 2006 Candy Land LCl, 10-1-06, 11/2007, pb, 2007 Cesar LCl, yb, 1993 Cheers LCl, pb, 2001 Clarence House LCl, 6/2006, w, 2006 Conch Shell LCl, 11-1-06--1/2007, pb, 2006 Destiny’s Dream 11-1-06, 1/2007, my, 2006 Gainesville Garnet 8-29-06, 11/2006, dr, 2006 Harlekin LCl, 9-26-06--11/2006, w, 1986 Ivory Castle LCl, w, 5-20-07※6/2007 Jacob’s Robe LCl, 10-1-06--11/2006, yb, 2008 Laguna LCl, 8-29-06, 11/2006, dp, 2004 Lonesome Dove HWich, 8-11-06, w, 2006 Lori LCl, 2-9-07, or, 2007 Morning Magic LCl, lp, 8-17-07, 2007 New Hampshire Statehouse LCl, op, 2001 Paul Jerabek LCl, 1-22-06, 4/2007, pb, 2006 Rachael’s Smile LCl, 2-16-07, 4/2007, or, 2001 Salita LCl, 9-26-06--11/2006, or, 1987 Serape LCl, mr Sir John Mills LCl, 5-20-06--2/2006, mp, 2006 Sir Paul Smith 9-26-06--11/2006, ab, 2006 Sombreuil LCl, 11/2006, 1850 Sunset Beauty LCl, 11-1-06--1/2007, op, 2006 Sunshine Girl LCl, lp The Physician LCl, 2-15-07, 4/2007, lp, 2007 Winner’s Circle LCl, dr, 8-17-07, 2007 Zorba LCl, ab, 2005 HYBRID MUSK (HMsk) Eponine** HMsk, w, Jeri Jennings---HMsk, 1-8-07, 4/2007, yb, 2007 Lupe’s Buttons HMsk, 11-1-06, 1/2007, w, 2006 Rivers Musk** HMsk, mp, Spanish Musk Rose** HMsk, w, HYBRID GIGANTEA (HG) Alister’s Gift HG, 12-1-06, 1/2007, lp, 2003 Amber Cloud HG, 2005 Cooper’s Burmese HG, 1927 Double Cream HG, 1-8-07, 4/2007, w, 2007 Evergreen Gene HG, 11-1-06, ly, 2006 Flammetta HG, 1922 Lusitania HG, 1905 Monteariso HG, 1920 *************Old Garden Roses********** BOURBON & CL. BOURBON: (B &Cl B Pink Confection B, 4/2007, mp, 2006 HYBRID GALLICA: (HGal) Agathe Fatime** mp, >Agathe Fatim * The French Strumpet HGal, 10-1-06, dp, 2006 NOIISTTE (N) Lemon Zen N, 9-14-06--10/2006, ly, 2006 VF Sarasota Spice N, 11-1-06, 1/2007, w, 2006 VF HYBRID PERPETUAL (HP) Amelia Louise** HP, mp, 1844 Comet** HP, m, 1845 Du Roi a Fleur** HP, 1819 Hybrid SETIGERA HSet) Anna Maria** HSet, dp, 1843>>>Anne Maria * TEA & CLIMBING TEA: (T & CL T) Comelie Koch** T, w, 1855 Garnet Crest T, 12-01-06, 1/2007, pb, 2006 Krishna’s Peach T, 11-1-06, 1/2007, ab, 2006 Mlle de Sombreuil T>>> Mme de Sombreuil Mme de Sombreuil Cl T, w, >>>>>>>>(LCl) Sombreuil Cl T, w, 11/2006>>>>>>>>(LCl) MISCELLANEOUS OGR (Misc. OGR) D’Orsay rose** Misc OGR, dp, 1850 Mannington Mauve Rambler 6-15-07, m R. Collina** Misc OGR, mp, 1788 R. Turbinata** Misc OGR, m, 1629 MOSS & Cl M Fara Shim Bo M, 2-9-07, 4/2007, m, 2007 NEW ROSES WITH TEMPORARY AEN’S Abbaby de Vaisaint HT, dr, 2007 Aderley Park LCl, 2008 Alea F, dp, 2007 Amarula Profusion F, ab, 2007 Antosa de roz F, ab, 2007 Apricot Candy HT, ab, 2007 Aries HT ob, 2007 Belle Epoque HT, pb, 2007 BENcrazy Min, 2007 Biarritz HT, yb, 2007 Biedermeier Min, ab, 2007 Biedermeier Garden HT, w, 2007 Big Red HT, mr, 2007 Blue Lady LCl, m, 2007 Blush HT, w, 2007 Bold Seduction F, pb, 2007 Cantario F, mr, 2007 Castera HT, r, 2007 Christine Helene R, ly, 2007 Chrysler Min, w, 2007 Clocolan S, ab, 2007 Coco Min, ob, 2007 Comtessa S, ly, 2007 Concord HT, 2007 Coral Drift S, op, 2007 Creakes Rose F, lp, 2007 Creamsicle Min, yb, 2007 Crimson Flame F, rb, 2007 Crimson Sky LCl, mp, 2007 Cupid in the Garden S, 2007 Daisy Kordana Min, mp, 2007 Danny Haha S, ab, 2007 Dawning Moments HT, ab, 2007 Desperado HT, rb, 2007 Diamond Days Forever F, w, 2007 Douce Blanche HT, w, 2007 Elsa S, ab, 2007 Emily Carr S, mr, 2007 Eskimo S, w, 2007 Evelyne Dheliat HT, pb, 2007 Felix Leclerc S, mp, 2007 Fiesta S, pb, 2007 Fiona Gelin S, ab, 2007 Firelight S, mp, 2007 Frances Audrey S, dr, 2007 Francis Jammes F, ab, 2007 FRYmoody F, 2008 Garden of Roses S, w, 2007 Genesis S, ob, 2007 Genevieve Oris F, lp, 2007 Getano S, rb, 2007 Glenda Marie F, pb, 2007 Golden Eye Cover S, 2007 Hawaiian Punch HT, 2007 Hestrie Els HT, dp, 2007 Honey Caramel F, my, 2007 Isle HT, pb, 2007 Ivory Drift S, w, 2007 Jocelyne Salavert S, ab, 2007 John E Tovey F, mp, 2007 John McDonald F, op, 2007 King Kong HT, ab, 2007 Kiss Kordana Min, mr, 2007 Lady Bird HT, ob, 2007 Le Jardin de Bellevue S, pb, 2007 Le Plessis Robinson S, mp, 2007 Little Cherub Min, rb, 2007 Li-Ying HCh, pb, 2007 Lord Hotspur S, lp, 2007 Loving Scentsation Min, 2007 Madam Myrja Sacks HT, rb, 2007 Makybe Siva HT, lp, 2007 Mamma Mia HT, ob, 2007 Martina Mondadori Mei-li HCh, pb, 2007 Mercedes Kordana Min, ob, 2007 Michele Laroque HT, yb, 2007 Miranda S, mp, 2007 Monique Laperriere HT, dp, 2007 Mother of Pearl Gr, lp, 2007 Muff’s Pet Min, pb, 2007 Nurse Tracey Davies F, dy, 2007 Painted Lady HT, 2007 Parfume d’Orleans HT, yb, 2007 Paul Cottingham F, w, 2007 Peppermint Parfait Min, rb, 2007 Perennial Blush LCl, lp, 2007 Pink Confection S, pb, 2007 Pink Medley F, mp, 2007 Pourpre Charmant HGal, m, 2007 Priceless Pearl HT, ab, 2007 Provence Blanc HT, w, 2007 Red Baron HT, or, 2007 Red Manikin F, rb, 2007 Red Multrirosa S, mr, 2007 Red Walls HT, mr, 2007 Reflections HT, pb, 2007 Regina Lee’s Sister Min Fl, 2007 Reinhard Voigt HT, dr, 2007 Retirement Wishes Min, ab, 2007 Revival HT, mp, 2007 Rodeo Kordana Min, mr, 2007 Ronald Williams Pearce S, 2008 Rooibos Rose S, dr, 2007 Rose de Beaune S, lp, 2007 Rosenfee F, mp, 2007 Rosomane Janon S, yb, 2007 Rural English R, lp, 2007 Ruru F, pb, 2007 Ruth Bell Graham HT, mp, 2007 Salmon Flower Circus F, op, 2007 Salmon L D S, op, 2007 Senior Moment HT, m, 2007 Sharon McKenna Min, my, 2007 Shonoburedo F, m, 2007 Showtime LCl, mr, 2007 Silk Pierrine Min, w, 2007 Sinea F, mr, 2007 Smart Kordana Min, mp, 2007 Snow Queen F, w, 2007 Snowdrift S, w, 2007 Sternschnuppe S, w, 2007 Summerfield Min, dp, 2007 Sunrise Vigorosa S, my, 2007 Sunset Strip Min, or, 2007 Sven S, 2007 Sweet Cecilia HRg, w, 2007 Sweet Fragrance Gr, ab, 2007 Sweet Promise HT, op, 2007 Sweet Wishes Min, dr, 2007 Tawny Profusion F, ly, 2007 The Bishop of Bradford S, dy 2007 The Queens London Child 2008 Tibet HT, w, 2007 Tickled Pink F, mp, 2007 Together Forever F, op, 2007 Topaz HT, dp, 2007 Ubuntu Panarosa S, yb, 2007 Una van der Puy HT, mp, 2007 Vanilla Bonica S, w, 2007 Vanilla Twist F, w, 2008 Velvet Kordana Min, mr, 2007 W W F, yb, 2007 Wedding Celebration HT, dr, 2007 White Balconia S, w, 2007 White Wedding HT, w, 2007 Wild Rover S, m, 2007 Yellow Brick Road S, dy, 2007 Yellow Multirosa S, my, 2007 Young Rita HT, yb, 2007 Zayed of Abu Dhabi S,
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Buckley's yucca rescue--New Braunfels
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Comments (3)
I'm right up the road (bout an hour) in Cedar Park. We've got what looks like tons of yucca alifolia (Spanish Bayonet), the ones that look like mini palms when they get mature. (Leander specifically has a field of them growing wild) that are about hip-chest high. I haven't seen any as big as the pictures I've seen of 'Buckys Yucca' We have some in the center divide of our drive that our landscapers had completely neglected, so one morning I got up ad 6am and was out pruning the Yuccas in the dark since my husband gets embarrassed by the odd looks. I did the 'pineapple cut' (don't know the technical name, just that the finished collar looks like a pineapple) on them, and the largest one had two pups under it, which I figured I'd wait a few days, since they had little to no sun exposure under the leaves of the parent. Yesterday I separated them off, and transplanted them into my garden facing the road. Now all this rain has me jumping up and down screaming nooooo noooooo!!! I'm scared to death they're going to rot on me. I was hoping fro a few dry days that might get them rooting for me. Is there any way you could go look for a plant with pups on it? Seems a simpler task than seed. Especially if they're getting ready to bulldoze parts of it. Here is a link that might be useful: Spanish Dagger/Bayonet Yucca
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The incomparable Mirella Freni
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Comments (32)
Damrau has instances of beautiful and very noticeable messa di voce in the rose presentation linked above. I saw Damrau in La Sonnambula a few years ago and in the finale she did two cartwheels on the stage! I dimly recall the program notes mentioning that she comes from a circus family & her childhood training included acrobatics. Her Sonnambula performance included a "high e-flat sung while suspended in mid-air"! I hadn't realized that La Sonnambula ("The Sleepwalker") is a comic opera. "During the final 'Ah! Non giunge uman pensiero,' Damrau literally pulled out all the stops physically. She danced about and sang a high e-flat suspended in midair; she followed that with a terrific chromatic descent as she was placed on the floor. The coloratura was at its most breathtaking in this climactic cabaletta and Damrau even did two cartwheels during the aria’s coda to a tremendous audience ovation. Her final high note was one of valediction as she held through the orchestra’s final bars." -- David Salazar, review, March 15, 2014 (quoted on Met website). Talk about showmanship! As far as roses in opera, to my knowledge Rosenkavalier takes the prize. And then Mimi's aria in La bohème when she describes a cut rose unfurling in the vase and laments that the roses she embroiders for a living, "Alas, have no perfume". I did see a production of Massenet's Werther where a dreamlike ballroom scene was inserted into the quiet two-minute orchestral (no singing) interlude, usually termed "Memories of a ball" or "Claire-de-lune", at the end of the first act, some of the loveliest music ever written. The setting was a cream-colored rococo ballroom with a border of red roses at the top of the walls. As couples walzed, the roses behind them appeared to revolve in space. I don't know how they did it -- well I do, with projectors. In any case, It was very effective. The scene ends as they leave with Charlotte regretfully singing, "We must separate. It is the hour for sleep" To which Werther answers that the sun and moon and stars mean nothing to him now that he has seen her eyes, and that he doesn't even know that it is day or night. I hope it is preserved on video somewhere, along with Damrau's cartwheels. https://youtu.be/Lm5cYJ0xoYQ
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sylviatexas1
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't think the dynamics problem is the little girl's doing;
it's her father's behavior.

Lots of divorced dads, well, heck, lots of dads, don't relate to their chldren in a parent/child way;
they relate as equals.

which means that the children learn to be partners to their parents, which makes, as Princess Diana once said, a very crowded marriage with 3 people in it.

You can talk to sweetie about it, but he's the one who has to make the change in his behavior, to start acting like her father, & to treat you like his partner.

("Well, why don't you tell us what you'd *like* to do this week-end, & then we'll see how that might fit in with what the 2 of *us* have planned.")

Changing his behavior will change her behavior.

Once he stops acting like she's his partner, she'll stop acting like she's the dominant female in the household.

& I don't think that you have to be maternal to enjoy someone else's children, to be the partner of someone who has children, *if* the children's mother is devoted to them.
coolmama
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
She doesnt sound like an abnormal 7 year old to me though.My daughter is 9 and does all those things. If my daughter is being bossy,I tell her she needs to remember who she is talking to. I also play with her a while and then tell her it is time to play alone.

However,you have to remember,this guy only sees her every other weekend.So maybe he wants to spend that time playing with her to make up for the lack of time they have together.He may also feel guilty for not being in her life so much and that is also why he lets her run the show.

You do need to accept her if you plan to stay with him.
And,not being around once every other weekend shouldnt kill you.The time away should make you realize how much you love him and miss him.

"I often find myself starting to get angry/upset on the Thursday or even the Wednesday before the SD weekend, and this frustration persists often until the Tuesday after shes left. I get mad at the smallest, most irrelevant things and find it very hard not to resent my partner for doing this to me. "

Then leave~having this much anger and resentment when you arent even his wife yet is a sure sign you will not get over this.He's going to start resenting you too if he thinks you dont like his child.
I dont think your a bad person for not being maternal.Not many people are until they have their own child. But i agree with sweeby,this is not the guy for you then.
charlie12456
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks for your thoughts and advice everyone. I tend to agree with a lot of it, although I think we might have a bit of a different 'dynamic' than a lot of generic 'families' out there.

We have no intention of getting married and short of the Biomum dropping dead, we wont be getting full custody in the future.

I think i just have to chill out and not let things explode in my head. I'm just not a kid person.

I do seem to notice a trend with this thread and the other threads that the stepkids really seem to take precedence over the relationship between the adults? Is this common? I know if I said to my partner, "Choose between us" (which of course i would never ever do) that he wouldn't just drop everything and say he choses his daughter. I'm willing to admit that he might choose her, in fact I'm even willing to say I might think less of him if he didn't. But it wouldn't be an 'of course' decision.

We're likely going to be touring and living overseas in a year or so, and although he will miss her like crazy and come back for regular visits - it's not like he wont go just because of her.

Is that strange? I know he loves her just as much as any dad loves their kid - but it's not like she's taking precedence over his life and dictating his future actions. (Disregarding the way she 'bosses' him during visits of course, I'm talking on a grander scale here)

Is that more of a motherly sacrifice, to let the kids take precedence over everthing? Even to accept that non-biological kids will dictate the relationship from a SM point of view? If so, how do you mothers (and SM with no bio kids) feel about that?

Thanks again,

Charlie
sunnygardenerme
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Charlie, I feel the age of the stepchild and stability and support of the ex (the other bio parent)for that child, dictates how much precedence the other parent needs to supply to that child. If the child is young birth-18years of age I feel they need alot of support from both bio parents and priority of this childs up bringing is very important. However, a bio parent also needs to balance life out and make sure they are not spoiling this child due to divorce guilt. No one likes a spoiled child.

All parents including divorced ones have personal needs too and need to have a life also. When the kids are grown and gone. Hopefully the parent has build their own personal relationship/life and can go on to enjoy their life too and not have to struggle with the empty nest syndrome.
fleurs_gardener
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Charlie,
I know it is hard to take advice from others no matter what especially when it comes to love and love invested.

This being said, and from my 18 years of experience as a SM to three stepchildren and no biologicial child of my own (it was never a priority in my life * to have * a child), I beg you to seriously think of your relationship with a man who has a child espcially since you yourself have admitted not having any maternal instincts.

***I often find myself starting to get angry/upset on the Thursday or even the Wednesday before the SD weekend, and this frustration persists often until the Tuesday after shes left. I get mad at the smallest, most irrelevant things and find it very hard not to resent my partner for doing this to me. " ****

As long as you are in this relationship you will have to deal with these feelings, somedays you will hate yourself for having these feeling, you feel guilty and then you will do everything to get rid of these feelings when in fact they are real! How long will you be able to put aside your feelings for the sake of love?

****I think i just have to chill out and not let things explode in my head. I'm just not a kid person. ***

Then why are you in a relationship where there is a child? This child won't disappear and her father will always, always do everything he possibly can to make this child happy. You will always feel like he has to make a choice between you and his daughter and you feel guilty because of this and you will be sad because you will feel like you are a bad person when in fact you aren't.
Good luck.

Keep posting.
happymrsf
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
This post is intriguing to me (new to this forum). I am a stepchild and stepmother.

Please excuse my blunt comment, but this to me seems like a common case of jealousy..

I had very similar feelings regarding my stepchildren. I would make excuses to be out of the house, not go with them to the park, get irritated at small things. Interestingly, I did not harbor these feelings so much against my stepson, but only my stepdaughter. I was 18 when I got together with my husband,(trust me, NO maternal instinct at that age) and 22 when we married. At 18 it is very difficult to compete with a 3 year old for a man's attention. However, I had to accept his kids as part of the package, and still do. SD is now 24 years old and still lives in our home. Yes, it can happen. "Short of biomom dying" - there are circumstances in which the children come to live with you!

You mention no interest in sex because of SD being a mood killer and being the result of your b/f having sex with another woman...it sounds as if you have a problem accepting that he had a relationship prior to you, not so much the daughter.

"I find it hard not to resent my partner for doing this to me"...doing what to you? All he is doing is accepting responsibility for his child, and having a meaningful parent/child relationship with her, apparently, with or without your support or acceptance.

This stepparent thing is not an easy gig. Trust me. If you love this man, if he is truly your "soul mate", you need to accept that he shares his soul with another, plain and simple. You state that his daughter likes you...you are one step ahead already. You don't need maternal instinct to be a friend to her. Sooner than you know she will be an adult, and you may find, if you give her a chance now, that she becomes one of your best friends.

I would highly suggest that you get into a stepfamily support group to help you work out your feelings before they make matters worse.
jenny_alabama
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I couldn't agree with you more.
smartypantsstepmom
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have a new twist to your non-maternal situation.

I have been in a same sex relationship in which my partner adopted the Bio
Mom's child; in fact, she paid for the sperm.

I really love my partner, and feel completely resentful to her child who
happens to be the obsession of both of the mothers.

I was asked if I wanted to take the child to a play when my partner was at
work; I did and the Bio Mom proceeded to bang on my partner's apartment and
beat her and I up; the sad part is that she is a licensed therapist working
with children and this all occured when the child was being put to sleep. I
intervened to the child to calm his fears and redirect the situation. The
problem is that when she finally left; she came back and was allowed back
into the home to say "nite-nite". Needless, to say, I had to be given a
tranquilizer because I was in shock.

To compound my injury, my partner would not allow me to talk about this and
told me not to discuss this in front of the child; I immediately left and
have been out of work, going to therapy, on medication, and working on
separating from this person.

I don't want to be in the drama. Both mothers come from an abused
background and are reliving their childhood through this entitled, indulged,
disrespectful, and self-absorbed little person.

He is allowed sugar at all times of the day; has no boundaries in stores or
people's homes, breaks all expensive electronic equipment of my partner's
and she questions if I did it; and climbs all over the furniture. He is
someone that I completely resent because of his disrespect to me and my
family. He is never told "no". My girlfriend accuses me of hating
children. My answer is that I like well behaved children and I have clear
limits on what children should be allowed.

This little guy likes me and I am very good with him as I teach him how to
cook and draw and play games with him. My maternal instincts are there but
are not recognized as such. Their love consists of giving prizes for going
to the bathroom.

Any thoughts on the future here? I love her but know this is a hard road
when I have a partner who doesn't communicate, wants me to relocate while
she travels 50% of the time, and she is involved in a hateful relationship
in which the Bio Mom states that since she bore the kid, he is hers.
Coincidentally, I emailed her and told her that I would back out and she
could have her family back if she did not show this violence; I love my
partner but see the need for two parents. Her response was that I wrote a
novel; and that I should not commmunicate to her on this level again.

The Username choice is because I took a mom quiz and that is what came up; it
stated that I would be a mom who would have smart kids because of the
attention I would give to them.
cawfecup
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
you answered your own post

"I don't want to be in the drama."

It won't get any easier with the ex or the child.
I am not one to say get out ... I try to sugar coat everything and see the good that can come from most situations.

But your girls ex is violent. Do you really want to risk your life for someone ... whose child you already resent?

Not da mamma

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