I was wondering if other people have situations simular to mine.Th ex here has been ex'ed for 13 years now.She was wife number 2.I am wife number 4.Number 3 left because of the crap the second wife was doing.Calling and harrassed her and the husband.myhusband has one boy who is now almost 16.His mother is bipolar as well.I don't know what she is tryign to cause or what she wants with the cronic phone calls,it's always about this son.He lives with her,we are supose to get him every other week end,we don't,she changs the schedule beacuse she needs leaves picked up,they needed picking up the weekend before and they had time to gt it done.Yes the calls came even at 12 midnight just a year ago.She wantd to at one point give up her son but she wantd to keep custody.She would take careof all her sons schooling from 40 miles away via e-mails to the teachers,and drive here if she needed to.My husband so graciously said yes to his coming and signed papers to do so.I found the papers.Signed sealed and delivered in his papers he keeps.i was suspicious anyway and to prove my feeling were so i went to look it up,there it was.She would keep her child support money and he will come here and live with us.Yeah! I bet! this was her way of moving in here.She actually met up with my husband and went to dinner over this paper signing. I am still very hurt that he would even think to do something this stupied.In hope his son will be with him?I wonder if he really wants to be with her at any cost.i don't get it.He knows her undermining.She even calls on our anniversary to discus the sons christmas list.Muy comment was you buy what you want and we buy what we want,he'll be happy.Come to find out his daddy bought everything and she gave him 150.00.I haven't an issue with daddy being his santa claus but I do have one with her telling him what to do.I buy ny step son things i know he will really like.Iremember the things he has mentioned over the year and i tell his daddy abou tthem.he says he didn't say it was what he wanted.I asked him if he ever has listened to him at all through the year.I do.I normally do not need a list,especially when I know someone. You'd think after 5 years of me being with this guy the ex would go away.She has a boyfriend and her son said she didn't feel anything for him.She has dated him 3 years now.Well about 3 1/2 years ago after me and my husband married she called my husband and said she was getting married to this same fellow she'd then had dated him 3 times.She was out house hunting as well with her son.my guess is she told him she has bipolar with other and he doesn't want to commet.She did lie to my husband about that as well.He had no idea she had that at all.It was at the wedding his brother was hearing this from friends there.Oh my! I think if i found my sposue to lie like that I would have ennulled the marriage.He didn't find out until she had a breakdown after the boy was born when she went out of town and not on meds.She was going to divorce him because at first she wasn't getting pregnant 9 months inot the marriage.Then low and behold she was pregnant. I am tired of the calls.It has been put to minimal.He keeps his phone on vibrate.He has a new job wher ehe has a phone at his desk and she i am sure calls for stupied things still.After the decision I made on the child staying with his mother and not coming here it really has stopped alot of her calls.I tols my husband it has to be him coming here which means mother dear will be over here,and it is her or me.he chose me and he stayed at his mothers house.he has a councler who really is trying to evaluate the situation.It is soon to believe that it is mother who is the one with issues.my step son knows it isn't him.I made sure he understood it was not him.He has mad ehis friends in his area he lives in and he is now happy with his decision and my decision that he stayed there.theropist are keeping her out of his life as much as they can.She had unfinished bussiness with my husband I am sure.i had to let him go there with theropist trying to deal with the son and the mother and I needed the docotr to push their life to a closier so she can go away. i think her bipolarness is still such an issue that she will not let those sleeping dogs lay still. So agin is it a bipolar issue or the ex issue.Two mor eyears and it has to stop.the calls have to stop.I will leave him if he keeps it up. Bad enough the first ex calls and posses as his brother.he allows that too.He ha smental issues himself to even let that go on.I have thought many times i am bringing up my ex all the time and in his face I will be with it.he can get a taste of it.Now he has real reason to be jealous of my ex.he is handsome and smart as a whip.we were also togther 30 years,27 of them married.He hasn't been maried over 3 years in all of his other 3. thanks,i needed to say something before I explode.

Now that I have completely read the entire thread, I have one more comment. As far as mom putting things in the kids head. Maybe take a step back and look through a different set of glasses. This may not be mom's doing. He is 6. My dd was saying these things to me and to her dad at age 6 and NO one was saying them to her. She is now 11 and told me just the other day, 'I wish you and my dad could love each other'. It was completely out of the blue. We have been divorced for 6 almost 7 years and it's been quite a while since she has said anything like this. She did go further to tell me that she is grateful for my dh and for her little brother but that she just sometimes wished our family was normal. I think maybe a 6 yr old talking about mom and dad together is very normal and does not mean mom is telling him to say these things. The things you would be seeing from a 6 year old if their mom was telling them things would be actual actions and not words. He isn't going to remember to recite word for word what mom said to say to dad's new girl friend. He would be angry at you, disrespectful and he would not at all listen to what you say. And he would be distant with his dad. Those are signs of parental alienation. The child would be so pulled and would shy away from affection from dad if this were happening. Sounds like he just has a lot of memories that he wants to share. In the very beginning of my divorce. I was bitter. My ex had met one lady and they moved so fast. (they are married now). I dated here and there. My friends set me up, I met a guy through work. I even got in to a relationship that ended badly. I did feel like something was wrong with me. How did this man go on and find someone to fall in love with, to move in with, start a new life with and I was just still searching. Sure it's silly to an outsider but according to my therapist I am a very normal person with very normal feelings. What made me even bitter was the new woman was wanting to 'get to know me so that I would know who was caring for my daughter'. I didn't want to know her or what she had that I didn't. Yup, that's insecurity and again very normal. My ex was back and forth back and forth. We'd sleep together and then he would go back to her two days later. She never knew any of this but I was bitter and she pegged me as the crazy ex wife that wasn't over her man. Yup, I wasn't over my husband, my ex husband, my marriage, my divorce, my family, my broken home but he was but not really because he couldn't stay put. It was very hard and after a couple of years I met a wonderful man and I'm very happy with my life however there is still that little pang of, my daughter has two mom's. When she was born I never Invisioned that. Had I known, maybe I would have held her more or maybe I would have taken more pictures. Maybe I would have watched her sleep more because I would have known that I would miss many nights of having her in the next room. Divorce is hard on everyone and just because someone still has feelings and might seem bitter doesn't make them a bad person or crazy. I didn't want to hang out and have coffee with this new person. I didn't want her in my face. I didnt want her to answer the phone when I called because I surely was not calling to talk to her. I don't think I would have felt that bitterness at all had she just let me be and stay out of my co-parenting. She thought (maybe she thought I don't know) that I wanted to know what my daughter was doing when I wasn't around and honestly no, I didn't want to know. I was better off being blind and dumb but she thought she needed to inform me because she was just trying to let me know what kind of nice person she was. Nope I didn't want to know. And I really think had she just stepped back and stopped rubbing her new little life in my face, I could have just been blissfully ignorant and not felt bitter. I bet if you just step back and not even show yourself at all to her, that bitterness will die down. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't do pick up or drop off. Don't send emails. Just be your BF's girlfriend and the mom to your kids. Be kind to his son and love him be there for him and she will see that she didn't need to be bitter and her insecurities were unfounded. It took me a year or two to realize that I am in control of me and my relationship with my daughter is about me and me alone. I am the only one that can ruin what we have. But it does take time after a divorce to feel secure in that. I felt like a failure in many areas. But after a while I realized I am not.

I came here to find info and boy oh boy did I! I found that some of the info here is REALLY biased in favor of the new wife. Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm on both sides of the fence. I'm an ex w/child & I'm think'n of marry'n a man with an ex w/child who manipulates & controls as well. So, I can see both sides. To organic_maria; when I read parts of your post, my blood boiled. How do you think that you and your husband can go and take away from another child because you now have one of your own. Ya can't do that! If he could not afford 2 children then he should not have had another baby! But you CAN NOT rob Peter to pay Paul! You can not take from one household to put into yours. I don't care what "SHE" has. That baby is "HIS" responsiblity as well. Unfortunately, you won't get this (foolish lady) until after he breaks his vows & divorces YOU, leaves YOU w/children, remarry's & has children by his new wife & then takes food out of YOUR child's mouth to be able to feed his new family at the command of his NEW WIFE. Therefore, a reduction in CS is not go'n to happen. Allow that man to pay what it is he's supposed to pay for his child. That's the right of the child...to be supported by both parents. You(foolish lady) are ask'n for conflict w/his ex when you do silly things as such. Do NOT help him to runaway from his financial responsibilites in order to make you happy. It's bad enough that the child has lost it's full time father. In these situations, you can't have it all. Don't put him in that position of taking away from one child to give to another. You'll stress out your marriage...even more. Next, the ex probably has a good reason as to why she's so nasty towards him. I'm not say'n that being vendictive is right but maybe he did somethings to hurt her deeply during their marriage; you don't know, you were not there. You just know what he's told you & choose to believe him because you love him and of course he would NEVER lie! And, that may be true, maybe he doesn't lie to you. Maybe he's a "good man" NOW, but what was he like years ago before you met him? What was he like during his first marriage before all of the lessons he's learned at her expense? Again, I'm not say'n that she should be an evil **** but karma is a MF! If ya don't want it to grow, then don't sow the seed. I can't mistreat a dog & not expect to get bitten at some point. I just think that MAYBE....just MAYBE he should go to his ex & try to make things right. I'm not say'n get back together w/her because what's done is done, but if there's still bitterness there then there's some unfinished business. And with many of YOU being WOMEN, I would think that YOU would encourge that! All of these excuses as to why your ex stayed with such a "witch" is nonsense, he stayed because he wanted to stay. He married her because he wanted to marry her...unless she was into some kind of spiritual voo-doo & put a hex on him? There's always 2 sides to a story and all of you are all hyped up on what "he" said. Yeah, he's tell'n you about all of her skeletons but he's not say'n much about his is he? He was an angel! And, I betcha on her side, she's tell'n her new guy about all of his skeletons and how he was so aweful to her w/o tell'n how she pulled a knife on him in his sleep & set the bed on fire! My point here is don't be so dang on biased. I know you're angry...I get that but you don't know her so why are you angry at "HER"? Because she get's a certain % of his income in which she's entitled too? Because "HE", your husband is weak and easily controlled. Because "HE" your husband feels guilt? Hmmmmm, and why is that? Why does he feel guility if he did noth'n wrong? Your husband needs to man up & accept responsiblity for his part in their failed marriage & try to make things right. Again, not say'n allow her to manipulate, but he needs to put all of his cards on the table & apologize for "HIS" part...because dispite what "HE" say's. He had a part! This way maybe some of her bitterness will fade unless she's really just a certified mental case. And, even if she is maybe he can assist w/that. Maybe the both of you can assist with that. Divorce is hard on EVERYBODY. You as a woman should feel some empathy...her marriage failed & him as the father of his child/ren should care just a bit because let's face it. She is the mother of his child/ren & her child/ren LOVES HER & HE loves his children. NOTH'N you do or say will EVER change that. Do something as his current wife to try and encourage peace & get off of your "what about me" soap boxes. In reality, he should have never moved on to a YOU until he was done with HER. And, I mean completely done and I'm not talk'n about a certain time span. You can be divorces from your spouse for 20yrs and still have unfinished business. I came here to try & find some good information and sadly to say, there wasn't much maturity here. Being someone who's been on both sides of the fence, I encourage my guy to do the right things by his children and even his ex. I'm not into sowing seeds of hatred, bitterness and anger. If an "I'm sorry" on his part can help that woman to heal then by all means, apologize & then maybe she can find some happiness and we can go on with our lives!

Good for you Sunflower! I've been thinking about your situation over the past few days, and had an epiphany a few minutes ago, and wondered if that might apply. You seem like a sensible and reasonably mature (though young - under 30) person who's goal-oriented. All good. And you talked about moving forward with your relationship -- and I get that. Moving forward in a relationship is generally what we like to do. It's the normal and logical progression of life: High school, some high school boyfriends, college, some college boyfriends, graduate, get a job, set up life with an apartment, career, more boyfriends. Then you find a BF you especially like who especially likes you, and you move forward -- maybe live together, then get married. Then you have kids, raise a happy family, etc., etc. You spoke of moving in together as 'moving forward', and I'm wondering if in your mind, is somehow is. Like it's 'advancing to the next stage of life' -- moving your game piece forward, or 'growing up' another degree. And in a sense, it is. It is moving to another stage of life. But viewing it from that angle makes it sound like it's automatically a good thing -- a step ahead, a move forward. And in reality, it isn't at all! (Does the teen mother who marries her high school baby daddy somehow 'win' by going through her step-forwards quickly?) It certainly can be a move forward -- with the right guy at the right time in the right circumstances. But it can be every bit as much the learning and growing experience to say "No" as it is to say OK and move in together. Laying out your ground rules -- the way you did by specifying that he had to get his finances in order -- That's a very empowering thing you did! If it turns out we were all wrong and he is a reponsible guy, then he'll respect you for taking a stance now. And if he's a weak link, that'll become evident too, and probably a bit sooner now. You're doing the right thing Sunflower! And that's really a step forward.