Hi, paigect. I am 34. My parents were divorced when I was an infant. My father has been married 3 times (working on #4) and my mother has been married 4 times. Even my grandparents weren't married to their original spouses when I was growing up! Out of my 3 step-fathers, one molested me for 10 years, one was an absolute saint and was more of a father to me than my bio-dad, one stalked and threatened to kill me in my 20's, and one was a violent alcoholic who abused my mother but treated me very well. Of my father's wives, my first stepmother was a lovely, stabilizing force in my life and a very good friend, my next step-mother was very kind to me but treated my father like garbage and seems to hate their biological son (my 10-year-old half brother), and my soon-to-be third step-mother is so jealous of me that my dad couldn't tell her about my wedding last summer because she would have gone ballistic and forbidden him to attend! Here's my point: not all step-children are selfish, conniving little monsters, not all step-mothers are evil, not all step-fathers are child predators, not all ex-wives live to stir up trouble, not all ex-husbands move away from their children at the behest of their new wives, etc, etc. Just as in every walk of life, every country, every religion, every profession and on every street corner, there are good and bad. Being a step-parent doesn't automatically mean you are an evil person. An evil step-parent is just an evil human being, period. A good step-parent is probably just a very good person whether in the step-parent role or just in life in general. And sometimes a good, well-intentioned step-parent morphs into an "evil" one after enduring years of abuse from an ex or a mis-guided, mis-informed or just plain spoiled step-child. Likewise, a good, respectful step-child can become a mischievous, conniving hellion if he/she is exposed to a vindictive, jealous, insecure step-parent.

I am now in the role of step-mother, albeit to adult children. Having been a step-child numerous times, and having reminisced about my childhood with a few of my step-folks (the ones with whom I still have a relationship), I know I was a "good" step-daughter: I treated each of my step-parents with the same amount of respect, but some took advantage of me, some loved and nurtured me, others felt threatened by me. I know first-hand how it feels to be loved by step-parents, and how it feels to be villified, envied and resented. So, stupid me, I thought if anyone could be a good step-parent, it would me! I had been a step-daughter to so many different kinds of people; I know what if feels like to be a step-child. Surely I could make my step-daughter feel at ease. Was I ever wrong! I started out as an eager step-parent...generous and understanding, hell, I used to beg my husband to be more tolerant of his daughter's outbursts because I thought with a little love and patience and faith, she would come around. But after 5 years of disrespect and alienation, I HATE my step-daughter. Enduring her abuse for 5 years has turned gentle, understanding, introverted ME into a hateful and sometimes vengeful human being. Let me tell you, I am not proud. Now, you may be thinking that perhaps I am the problem here, but if that were the case my step-son certainly would not have wished me a happy birthday last week, or given me his movie passes, or ask his father if I could recommend some new musical acts for him to look into. If I were evil, all of my step-daughter's children would hate me, but her son just visited me unannounced at work a few weeks ago and was delightful, the youngest girl nearly knocks me over when she hugs me, and on the flip-side, the oldest daughter is a spoiled-rotten little hellion like her mom who won't even look at me. See? It takes all kinds. Each child has his/her own reaction to me, but I am still the same person with each of them. Why the different reactions to me? Again, it takes all kinds.

Surprise, surprise: some kids ARE awful (c'mon, we've all met them) but most are delightful; some step-parents mis-treat and/or abuse their step-kids, but most are good, decent people who find themselves in a thankless role; and some bio-parents are awful, manipulative, selfish jerks, but most do the best they can and raise good, decent kids who know how to show respect to all adults, step-parents included.

It just takes all kinds.

first off i would like to say that i would like to think of myself as a good person and a good step parent. i am a parent to a 1 year old daughter my boyfriend has a 10 year old daughter. i consider her my daughter, and i treat her just like one. I have done everything i can to help her deal with the difficult situation of having her mom and dad divorced. somehow no matter what i do for her i still get stepped on. on a daily bases i am disrespected and laughed at. she tells me that she hates me and wishes that i were dead. she does the opposite of what i ask her to do and i am constantly threatened by her that she is going to go to the cops and tell them that i beat her, (i have never laid a hand on her). i am at my whits end that i am even reading Dr. phil's book family first to try to find out how to deal with it. her parents have been divorced for 5 years and i have been in her live for 4 years. if you think that all step parents are so evil come and take my place for a while and find out how it is.

my parents got divorced when i was 9. my mother left one night when my younger brothers and i were sitting at the dinner table and my dad was on the road (he was a truck driver) she didn't return for 4 days and i took care of my 2 younger brothers till then. i know what it is like to not have parents around. my dad remarried when i was 13 but i was always respectful. i was taught better then that. i don't know if it is just my step daughter or if it is kids now days but they have no respect for anyone.

Paigect, You sound very angry. You see things from the other side. Are you in good standings with your ex-husband? Do you have a significant other in your life that your son has to deal with? You are not present when your son is in the company of your ex-husband and his new wife. You do not know what goes on. Yes, the new wife could be a bad person or she could just be a person who has taken alot of disrespect from your son. Sure your son is a kid, however, kids still need to respect their elders. I know that most new step moms want to be friends, love their step children and want a happy household. They want the new husband to be happy and making his children (all of them) happy is very important. You do not know what has happen in your ex-husband household. Think how you would feel if a child just kept on disrespecting you and constantly saying hurtful unjustified comments to you. Over time it wears on a person (even a kind/loving person) and stress can take over. Many times things are said and done by step children when no one else is around to see it or hear them, only the step mom. All this conflict in turn can cause more harm to all individuals involved. Do not judge what goes on with another person until you have walked in their shoes. The bottom line is your son needs to respect his step mom and dad. If you are on good terms with your ex and his wife talk with them and try and make this work. Make sure you advise you son to be good and respect his new step mom. I have a feeling something has happened you are unaware of. Take it from someone who has tried and tried to be loving, giving and helpful to her step children, including empathy. With no success.

louise, you're right, I am angry. I'm angry that women would plot to remove pre-existing children from their husband's lives. And I'm not generalizing this to everyone - - there are tons of fabulous stepparents out there, and I'm sure the majority have great intentions. But look around *some* (certainly not all) of the posts on this board, and the comments and admitted behavior of those particular step-mothers (and there are more than one or two) are reprehensible.

This is not sour grapes at work here. I happened upon this board while searching for quick step tile installation tips on g'web. Somehow, three threads from this board showed up in my search. I had never seen this place before and started reading, thinking I would gain insight into how ds' stepmom treats him while also reading about how most step-parents are kindly and respectfully attempting to integrate the stepchildren into their lives. I did gain insight, but not in a good way. Some of the things ds' stepmom has said and done are very similar to some of the things said and done by others here, so I no longer think of her as an isolated case. I think this is a more widespread problem than I ever believed possible, and I find that very, very sad.

I realize that kids can be exhausting, particularly when they are troubled and not your own flesh and blood. But many kids coming out of a divorce are troubled, and I'm simply pointing out that step-parents shouldn't expect their situation to be any different.

They should also not assume the mother is the cause of that trouble. Kids quickly learn in these situations that they can work their parents against each other. They will tell mom that dad gave them permission to do something (which he didn't), and tell step-mom that mom said they didn't have to do the chores she gives him (which she didn't). I have learned to always check with his dad before making assumptions. His stepmom never checks with me - - just hurls the accusations. And I see the same assumptions being made here.

I am simply offering the perspective of the child (and his mother) for stepmoms who are interested.

i have a step daughter. when i met my now husband i didnt even know he had a kid. her and i were the worst adversaries you could imagine. she wanted mom and dad back together. that wasnt happenening. i left him 3 times because of this kid, or he wouldnt have been able to see her, i finally said you know what it, he had her dropped off at his door by her mother, i didnt live here at this time, but before that his kid and i got our differences settled and still the adults fought it out. she lives with us now, we get along great except for occassional teenage stuff, nothing serious. she refuses to move back to her moms, (yes id love to jump for joy and so would hubby because her mom predicted shed hate it here and shed hate me) yes i know its childish to feel that way, but she is doing a 100 times better. yes it was a big surprise to everyone that its working, but it is. shes a brat, but i love her dearly which i never thought i could, and she loves me to, plus we both love her dad too much to have this house in such an uproar constantly, which with a teen it usually is, but not always a bad uproar. not all step moms are bad, and it drives her mom crazy that she is close to me now -yes i do the happy dance- not in front of her- because she is a handful, but mom thought she was the perfect mother, and she wasnt. im not trying to take her place, never would but we have all we can do to get her to spend 4 hrs with her. thats her moms doing, since she dropped her off here nov 8 with nothing she has called 6 times and spent a total of 10 hrs with her. we try to tell her shes gonna need her mom someday and she wants no part of it. eventually shell tell me what happened and i wont push because she seems to be straightening her butt up. lord i hope so! step parents arent all bad, we usually have to try harder than anyone..and trust me there are days when i wanna say @@@@ it im going back to my own house! it takes all kinds.

Paige, I can certainly see where you are coming from.
It breaks my heart to see the missed opportunities lost
when a step parent can't reach out to the children of their
new spouse.
I love my children, all of them.
What a great time we've had as we've loved, learned and grown as a family.

Unfortunately my children never had that with their dad and stepmom. They loathe the stepmom and are mostly indifferent to their dad. I figure it's their dad and stepmom's loss.
In her need to control the money, time spent with their dad
and other things, she has missed out on getting to know some wonderful kids.

I have cringed as i've read some of the posts by some of the women here about the step children. Like Paige, my kids have been subjected to hurtful words and deeds that will stay with them through out their lives.
Thank God they've had a close loving relationship with
their stepdad. We've done a good job of raising all our children with the love and acceptance they deserved.

It hasn't always been a bed of roses but the good times have outweighed the bad and have been worth the effort.
I wish I could put my arms around every child who has
been through the trauma of the breaking up of his or her family. Children are a gift please don't throw them away
just because they aren't your biological children.
Try and help them build a foundation that will keep them grounded as they make their way through the difficult times
that lie ahead.
Trust me when I tell you, the rewards are greater than you could ever imagine.
Do the best you can and at the end of the journey you can look in the mirror and like the person you are, no matter what happens.

So your blood is boiling. I guess mine would be too, but I've seen it from the other side. I'm a step mom and I have lived through the hell of 3 sk living with us full time and their mother never having the time of day for them even though she lived less than 5 minutes away. I did everything for these kids - cooking, laundry, baking cookies for school, helped with homework, patched up bleeding knees and the occasional bleeding heart, and so on. All their mom ever did was make my life miserable. She wouldn't see them, but she'd call and tell them all sorts of horrible things about me and then they'd turn around and call me a b**** and a wh*** and so on.

Their behaviour towards me after they'd been with her would be horrible, but I kept pushing for them to see her. I made so many excuses for this woman when she would cancel plans. I lied to the kids about their mother so they wouldn't know that she had dumped them again for something else.

There were so many times that I wished that they would go there and be with their father less, but that was so that I could have a break. Walking on eggshells is exhausting and when the kids and their mom are difficult, it's doubly so.

Take a look at the other side before your blood starts to boil. Yes I know that we've chosen this path, but the kids and their mothers make it much more difficult than it should be.

How you all defend your hatred towards your sk is absolutely ridiculous. I'm a product of a divorce and two stepfamilies and I have many friends in the same situation so I can safely say that from my experiecnes and what I've observed from my friends' experiences no matter how hard the child tries stepmothers will never be satisfied. I have spent the greater part of my childhood trying to please my stepparents, yet no matter how hard I tried (mind you I was doing it for my parents' happiness and not anyone else's) nothing was ever good enough. Even whent stopmother's try, it seems as though they still fail at hididng their feelings from the children. Divorced children can sense when they aren't wanted - of course they're going to act out after a while. I was a straight A student, my friend's parents loved me, they would call my mom to tell her what a good role model I was for THEIR children, so believe me when children act out at their parents it's usually instigated! Also remember YOU married INTO the family, you knew your future spouse had children and it is YOUR job to accept them, REGARDLESS, it wasn't the child's fault they had to be in YOUR life, REMEMBER you are old enough to make the choice of marriage and all the other choices you make that affect our parents and us. Children don't get that, we don't get to try out our step parents and decide if they should marry into the family, remember that may no longer have a sense of family. Be patient, and even though you may feel unappreciated, your spouse will love you even more for caring for THEIR children unconditionally!

My SKs are the most important people on the planet as far as I'm concerned, so I don't think that the overall generalizations are quite fair, outinthecld; however, I do understand your particular brand of anger--and it's something I work VERY hard to prevent in my own SKs. Then again, my kids are not particularly challenging in that respect. Acting out hasn't been a problem.

Truthfully, I think that the best decision my husband and I made when we got married was the one to not have anymore children--and I'd be lying to you if I said that I felt like I missed out on anything. I have done (and continue to do) a lot of raising of my SKs. Just because I didn't squeeze 'em out, doesn't mean a thing. There are plenty of biological parents out there who are lousy parents, too.

outinthecold, you are generalizing all stepmoms and blended family situations? You should look at all sides and situations. I have adult stepchildren and have tired everything to make them feel wanted, but instead they are the ones that put up barriers. Their bio mom will do nothing for them, however she is the best. I have gave them pretty much everything and have never been acknowledged for it. They praise ther bio mom, give her gifts, would do anything for her. However, with their stepmom, nothing. Sure I married into their dad's life, however, they are adults and it does take two to make a relationship work. I have seen them do some pretty manipulative things to cause trouble in DH and my home. So do not generalize, their are two sides to every story. I put up with alot of disrepect and abuse from my step children and it then gets to a point where you say enough is enough. Maybe you have seen some situations where the stepmother has just had enough of the disrepect and being taken for granted stage. What goes on in the beginning of a stepchild and stepmothers relationship can effect things down the road. I think sometimes stepkids start out thinking that their parents will get back together if the stepmom just goes away so they make things tough for the stepmom. After trying to get rid of her and it doesn't happen they wake up and then try to be nice. But they have caused alot of damage to the relationship and it hard to take bad all the mean things they have done. It sounds like you have had it rough and alot of bad things have happened to you and you are resentful. I did realize dh had kids, but they were not around much, however when I finacially helped out and we could afford nice things. For example, a new home, big scren tv, all new everything they then wanted to live with us. Becuase they are adult and have different style of living then me it makes is hard for me to put up with them. The key here is adult stepchildren. I feel they need to live on their own, get jobs, treat me with respect, and realize their dad would not have this quality of life without me. It is my home too and they need to acknowledge that. You do have not the full story of all members in all stepfamilies. There are good and bad non-blended families and blendedfamilies. There are good and bad stepparents/parents and step children/children. It takes all of them to make it work.

Vivian, you continue to amaze me with your great attitude and, well, grace is a good word for it I think. You certainly did sacrifice, and someday your SK's will really appreciate it. Probably after they have kids of their own.

janis, I hear ya.

outinthcold, I feel your pain, as the mother of a boy who could have written your post. I'm not married or even dating, so my DS does not have to deal with step-dad issues, but he does deal with a lack of a constant male role model. In any case, while I do think you were overgeneralizing (take a look at Vivian and Janis), I agree wholeheartedly with your point that children know when they are unwanted. They know it in their bones, even if the stepparent is trying to be nice and put a smile on their face. And dealing with that knowledge is not easy.

I encourage my son to take the high road. I tell him that nothing his stepmom says or does to him should make him feel less, nor should it change the way he acts or who he "is". He should be true to himself and avoid responding to her in negative ways. But it's very hard for a child to put these things into practice.

Well I just wanted to chime in with my own experience on the STEP issue. I was a stepchild to a horrific monster of a woman who eventually kicked me out of my house at 16. I was a good kid with good grades didn't do drugs, I was well generally normal. My Step Mom would tell horrible lies to my Dad about things I never did or never said, and he believed them.

Onto present, I am now 33 years old and living with my fiance who has custody of his 2 children- 12 year old boy, and 14 year old girl. I also have 3 children ages 14boy, 7girl, and 4girl. I have known my fiance and his kids for 7 years, we have been dating for 3, and living together for 2. Since moving in I have helped renovate his house and turn it into a real home. He and his kids were living in filth before.

When I moved in we did everything we could think of to ease HIS kids into the new situation, and asking my own to sacrafice by leaving their home and moving into his. I did everything for his children laundry, cooking, cleaning, decorating their rooms, buying cool school clothes and so many others. This would make them happy for about 5 minutes, then once they had what they wanted they would treat both me and my children with hate and disrespect. Their father would apologize, but make excuses that change is hard for them and I would agree. Their mother would blame it all on me by using some twisted logic and convice my Stepkids they were in the right. I should add, their Mother had an affair, got pregnant by another man and walked out on her husband and her children, and went on to have 3 children by the new man. Although in her mind this has nothing to do with her children's emotional problems, or their anger.

Anyways I have finally broke and cannot take anymore I am hated in my own house, and made to feel uncomfortable every minute. His 14 year old daughter will no longer do chores or even obey anything her father tells her to do. We have taken her things out of her room, and tried different forms of punishment. Even gone to a professional councelor for advice. His 12 year old son is now with hos MOM about 2/3 of the time. He has been suspended from school for taking a knife to school and threatening another child, we catch his stealing all of the time and I found a 22 bullet in my washing machine last week that he stole from his mothers. He treats my little girls like dogs, either ignoring them or acting disgusted when he is forced to interact with them. He is in counceling

I have even sat his kids down on several occasions and begged them to give this a chance, and asked them what can I do to make you happy?

All the while my kids are well behaved and well adjusted. I AM A GOOD PARENT AND A GOOD STEPPARENT but I cannot force someone to like me, especially when their Mother is happy they don't like me. She can't have her kids liking someone more that they like her. One example of her attitude: I tool her kids school shopping last year, so we assumed she would do it this year, of course she didn't and when we reminded her that we bought last year, her response was "well I didn't like those clothes anyway"

So how much am I expected to endure? I will not allow my children to live this way. I regrent not making all the kids equal in the beginning. Just because my kids don't act out, or act so horrible doesn't mean they are less important or don't deserve the spotlight. But so you all now my kids have always been my number 1 and I have always let them know that. When should his kids go live with their mother, so the other 5 people in the house can have some peace and quality of life. When does mine and my kids happiness become more important?

Please respond!
Frustrated and Broken

bump

The author of this post seems very bitter, and I feel sorry for her. Her ex's wife is not to blame for her sons problems. She's the mother, she has custody, she makes the choices that affect her childs life, she is in control. If her child is unhappy, she needs to look in the mirror and quit blaming the 'other woman'. She has no right to be bitter that her ex has moved on with his life, especially if she is the one that ended the relationship and moved the child out of state. If she was the one that ended the relationship, then she can not claim that her ex abandoned his child. She needs to take responsiblity for the choices she has made and how her child is reacting to the choices she has made, and quit blaming a third party. She seems jealous and insecure and is making excuses for her sons behavior, but blaming a third party. The third party (that only sees the child 1-2 times a month) is not the one raising the child. The third party is not the reason her child father has been separated from his father. She couldn't make the relationship with her sons father work, that is why her child is suffering. Did she move the child out of state away from his father? If so, then she single handedly chose to alienate her child from his father. She needs to look in the mirror and take responsibility for what has happened, and quit blaming the step mom.
I have a great relationship with my ex husband and our child together is happy and at peace. Why? because I treat his father and his girlfriend with respect. I'm not bitter, I'm not unhappy and bitter about the choices I've made.

I think you're very mistaken BioandStep --

Paige didn't blame the Stepmom for all the kids' problems -- just for making him feel unwanted in his father's home. And that is a BIGGIE. How is that her fault? She said she's trying to encourage more of a relationship between her son and her ex, not less. The only negative comments she made were about the StepMom's conduct with her son, NONE with the fact that her Ex has remarried and 'moved on'.

The issue of abandonment is separate from the issue of who lives where, who left whom, or who moved where and when. Plenty of long-distance parents work very hard to maintain a close relationship with their children, and many succeed. I would even go so far as to say that abandonment is a process, not an event. It's the kind of process that takes weeks, months, even years of reduced contact that eventually allows the relationship to wither and die.

She raises the very valid issue that lots of StepMoms on this forum appear to actively dislike, even hate, their StepKids, and want them removed from their nests.

Start reading BioandStep.
How can any parent NOT feel angry?

Sweeby is correct. I too am horrified by the hatred expressed toward so many stepchildren. Almost all children are disrespectful to the adults in their lives at least some of the time. I have yet to hear a biological parent say she hates her child, even in cases where the child is deeply troubled/addicted to drugs, etc.

Children aren't perfect. Children are almost always seriously affected by divorce, and contrary to what one reads here, the biological mother is not always, or even usually, responsible for all their problems.

OH!!!! To theotherside... How I disagree!!!!!!!!! Many parents have feelings of anger or even hatred towards their biological children. It is just on this site they are allowed to vent, to say those words that they may never utter anywhere else. Yes all children will be disrespectful but if it were a biological child speaking in that manner.... hmmmm... you know there would be consequences. But so many people say "turn the other cheek" for the stepchildren.. So if all step parents should treat SC equally to Bio-kids why should disciplining them be different. I have 3 gorgeous step daughters and let me tell you I am their Mother in every meaning of the word, which means if they disrespect me or others they WILL suffer the SAME consequences that my own would. No I do not think it is healthy to maintain a hatred of anyone!!! but it seems several people on this site have SEVERE double standards. While they preach forgiveness for step children they are quick to deny forgiveness for step parents and parents.... actually stating that "they should suffer" hmmm doesn't that seem a little double sided to you. Forgiveness is a two way street. If you believe in letting go of anger and hatred to live a better life, you can not choose to hang on to it for "certain" people. Remember this is like a support group, in here we are trying to help one another. Yes some have stated that they "hate" their step children, but in the majority of these cases if you take the time to read the situation it is not the child they hate but the actions and their lack of support in their home. There comes a point when children stop being "poor little victims of divorce" and if you allow them to they will evolve into master manipulators who know exactly how to get society to feel sorry for them. This web site is an immense help to myself and I'm sure to others. I encourage everyone to keep speaking your minds here, we may not agree with it but we will try to guide you through it.

biomomandstep...it seems like you are reading a lot into the original post that wasn't really there. Who's to say whether paige or her ex was the "one to end the marriage and move out of state"? She didn't mention anything about that. The reason the child doesn't stay with his father for more time is because he does not feel welcome in his father's home. From reading your post, it seems to me as if you may be the one who is so bitter.

to sandstone...I am usually one to say that it should be up to the bio-parent to dicipline the child, however, if you are the one who is acting as a mother to the children and they live with you, it is a different story. I think when children live primarily with their bio-mom and visit the bio-dad on weekends and summer breaks, it should be up to the bio-dad to do the dicipine becuase the children have a trust and a relationship with the dad that they would not have with a step-mom. However, if you are responsible for the welfare of the children, then it is also fair for you to have authority to dicipine.

to sweeby...I couldn't agree with you more. Abandonment is a process.

Well said raek, yes I am the only mother in the girl's lives. Their bio-mom has a severe problem with drugs and has not seen them in around 7 years. while I don't agree totally with the bio-parent should be the only one disciplining, I see where you are coming from.

I find it hard to believe you posted this thread.Yes,many of the step mothers dont like their step children,and THEY HAVE VALID REASONS. When it is not your own child,you only have so much patience.
And,not all bio-moms are like you.Many of them DO make it hard on the dads and their new wives/girlfriends.

My husband's ex for one lives 3 and a half hours hours away.She expects my husband who only has off one day a week (when she doesnt even work) to drive 3 and a half hours up and back to pick up their daughter.How fair is that???

I also tried very hard with my step daughter who abused my 9 year old daughter repeatedly. I decided enough was enough.

I understand your maybe not agreeing with what everyone has to say.But everyone is different,and some of us stepmothers have been put through Hell by our step kids.
I had two step fathers myself,and I openly admit as a teenager I was disrespectful to them...I have changed though,and actually love my step dad now.Yet,some of these step kids never even WANT to accept us,but push US out of their father's lives.Sometimes we have to fight to hold onto our marriages because of this.
Many of the women on this forum have been pushed to their limits,and this is a place for them to vent and have support.

The more constuctive thing to do would be to respond to the threads you found "so insulting" instead of making a general post like this attacking everyone.

You never know what is going on behind closed doors...speaking from my situation (not everyone's) - if there is a problem with a step parent and the step child...do not have a blind eye to what your bio child is capable of doing!! It happens- my SS hates me -not because I haven't shown him love and respect - but because he is influenced from the other home. Even though she denies causing problems....it's there! I have a family and he was part of that. When he was - my husband and I both disiplined his son and my daughter. That is my home...so I believe every step parent should discipline - all kids treated equally no matter what. I believe if you do not carry these rules throughout the whole family - your family WILL fail. The ex's comments on me not discipling my SS - like I told her - my husband and I BOTH AGREE...if you don't like it - don't send him. SAME thing I told my daughter (11), If I hear that she has disrespected her stepmom...her father and I both will deal with her the way we see it. I sat down with my ex's soon to be wife and we both agreed with this. For example - she and my ex took my daughter and her step bother shopping (7 at the time). She told them both to stand beside her while she checked out. She turned around and they were gone! She finally found them wandering the outside mall area. She did exactly what I as a mother would expect....she swatted her son on the bottom and explained why then she swatted my daughter on the bottom. My ex got a little ticked at her - and I said thank you! She cared enough about my daughter to treat her exactly as I would do...so I know that if anything happens to me - she will have a mother to love and care enough to treat her as her own. Which is exactly what I tried to do with my SS (although his mother made everyone believe she was encouraging a relationship with me)told him if I ever tried to discipline him to call her and she would take care of me!! So this proves my point that just because your child may be saying stepmom is mean to him/her - maybe you should investigate further - after so long of being mistreated by your stepchild - you do end up with a somewhat cold heart. Although in our case we will not let it destroy our family. There are USUALLY two sides to every story!!

Dear Paigect,
I am another one of those - former stepchild/stepmother.
I didn't like my stepfather for a while, but figured things out when I grew up and we had a great relationship before he died of cancer. My first dad was dead when I got him, so there wasn't any wishing to get back together stuff.
What role do you think you could play in putting an end to your son's fantasy of you 2 getting back together? Do you think that you could actually help the situation? Or do you just want your ex to be the one to deal with it? I take it you aren't remarried yourself. If you are truly trying to get your son happy and able to have a relationship with his dad- you could help. If your son acts out and is disrespectful to his stepmother and you condone it and blame it on the fantasy and her - you are giving him a message that he can be disrespectful to adults if he chooses not to like them. Do you see that?
I have one stepson who is like that, and I have another one who I adore and he a loves me.
The difficult one has done things that would curl your hair - choked his girlfriend, stole his dad's gun and got arrested 3 days out of marine boot camp, run around naked, at 16, holding his penis out in front of 10 year old girls thinking he's funny, wrecked cars- twice in one weekend one time, threatened me, runaway and left horrid notes blaming me numerously, got beat up at school for running his mouth and needed to be taken to the med station a number of times, stole his dad's 300.00 fish finder and lost it, lying, partying and skipping school, bad grades, no job, the list goes on and on. When do you say enough is enough? His hell bent goal was to get his dad to divorce me so he could be in charge. He wanted to run things. He blames me for joining the Marines -claims he wanted to get away from me. Now he hates it and it is all my fault. It will be my fault if he gets hurt too. He isn't responsible for any part of our bad relationship or his choices, is he? I am just supposed to take it, the blame and the horrid behavior. His room is a mess from the last time he was home - including used rubbers and half eaten candy bars stuck to the carpet. Oh by the way, his carpet is ruined, there are holes in the walls and his mattress is all chopped up - the new one I bought for him when we moved into our house together. That is all my fault too. Some kids just aren't nice.
I must be doing something right though - his brother loves me like crazy.
And now you can call me an evil stepmother like he does. Or you can realize that some of us have come to the end of our ropes and patience.
You know what? I honestly hold my husband responsible, along with my stepson, for his behavior. If my husband hadn't made excuses for him, made him accountable for his actions and made him take some responsibility, he wouldn't have turned out as bad as he did. I have 2 of my own kids in the house too. They are not bad kids and respect my husband. My ex is out of the picture. It is like I have 3 kids and he has the one. I don't want to leave my husband, because then I couldn't keep my stepson who loves me. The older one is out of the house in the Marines now and it is a whole different household. There is peace. It isn't the his kids vs mine thing. Sure they all pull stuff. But I can discipline now and no one accuses me of being mean and targeting the step kid and other rubbish. It is fair. And there is respect and love that goes both ways. That is the most important thing. No I couldn't respect my older stepson. His repeated behavior wouldn't facilitate it. Every time it would seem to get better - he would pull something and some how he would turn it around and someone else was to blame. Usually me. Yes I am relieved he is in the marines. No, as a matter of fact, I clearly stated I didn't want him to join. He doesn't have good sense and I am afraid for him. But there is a peace in the house. Except of course for my husband. He blames me that his son is gone. But you know what - he is the one who could have refused to let him join. He is the one who could have talked him out of it. He had the influence and the power. Not me. Master manipulator that kid is, huh.
Oh, by the way - the boys mother killed herself 3 years ago. She was a drug addict, convicted of embezzlement too. Her choices caught up with her and that was her answer. Now her son is going down her path. I am scared to death for him. I wish someone could help him, but I clearly can't. Maybe the marines will. And when he grows up, maybe he will figure out I wasn't that bad and we can have some sort of relationship. No I won't hold my breath though - I don't want to die, already had that scare with ovarian cancer. Life is too short to be that miserable.
Until you walk in someone elses shoes, be careful how you judge them. Some of us have had waaaayyyyy too much to handle with perfect grace. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. That is the path of a stepmother.

sarahl,
You sound like a WONDERFUL stepmother!! You should give yourself a hand....and do not stress youself out. You should take care of YOURSELF! My prayers are with you.....

I'd like to know where this OP went... Paige, are you still there???

I don't know what posts were read to inspire this thread, but I have to agree with most of the other things that are said. This board would be a better place if there were more 'reasonable' BM's like Paige that were here posting.

It doesn't seem to me that Paige is lumping all step parents together, just that she was shocked by what some say. If you are still out there, I think you should come back. While you are on the other side of the table from a step parent, you seem to want the same goal, for your child to be in a happy loving environment.. in both his homes. Therefore, your input (or input from other bio parents that feel that way) would be very appreciated here.

I would just like to say they we should not generalize. I mean, to say ALL step mothers are wicked or ALL Bio Moms are crazy and jealous is wrong. All situations are different. It depends on the personalities and back grounds of all involved. I have seen Bio's and Step's get along great and it's one big happy family. I have also seen where one of the bio parent's IS crazy, drug addicted, hung up on daddy and suicidal (my girls biomom) and she always manages to complicate everything.
It just depends on the adults involved and whether they are in fact ADULT enough to do what is best for the children and not have self serving agenda's. We are doing the best with what we were dealt and just try to make the very best decision's we can for our girls.