Yep. Move on. He's cheated on you with her, he's cheated on you with someone else, he's continuing the relationship with the ex in spite of your requests for him not to.
You must know in your heart of hearts that this isn't going to change. Move on and leave him to the ex.

She invited him to dinner. Did he go?

He cheated on you with her; so this child is the result of that relationship? Were you and he broken up at the time, or were you together in a (supposedly) committed relationship?

How he handles her advances is what's important, not that she makes advances. He could shut it right down if he wanted to. Operative words: if he wanted to.

He keeps telling me that there's nothing he can do about her behavior, and that he does tell her she is inappropriate, but beyond that she isn't under his control. I feel like I'm always told basically to just get over it. I get that he can't control her but I am so sick of hearing that I'm overreacting or that he isn't responsible.

Well, clearly it isn't going to change, so if you are truly sick of hearing it, then move one. Otherwise resign yourself to putting up with it as long as you stay.
Why on earth are you staying for this? Trust me, there are other, better guys out there. Even being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't respect you or your feelings. Yes, you've invested two years, but don't keep on throwing good time after bad, unless you're happy to do that.

This post was edited by colleenoz on Tue, Apr 1, 14 at 0:16

"He keeps telling me that there's nothing he can do about her behavior, and that he does tell her she is inappropriate, but beyond that she isn't under his control. I feel like I'm always told basically to just get over it. I get that he can't control her but I am so sick of hearing that I'm overreacting or that he isn't responsible."

he is absolutely right. He can't change her behavior. The only behavior he can control is his own. If he chooses to continue associating with her on the level you've described, then his behavior is speaking loud and clear. That offers you the opportunity to alter the behavior of the only person you can control - yourself.

If the combination of this woman and your boyfriend 's behavior isn't what you want or deserve, then make some choices, take some risks and move on.

If he ignores her advances (including her comments) and puts "penalties" on her behavior (for example, Hey, Exname, stop now. The moment you speak to me about anything other than our child, I will hang up the phone), she will stop. Once she sees that it's working against her, her behavior will change.

It might take awhile, but it'll change. So - yes, he can control his behavior, but by doing so hers'll change, as well.

My humble opinion.

I am just so angry at her intrusions into my relationship, and sick of being told I'm selfish and wrong and overreacting. I don't know what to do anymore or if I can ever be happy in this relationship knowing that it means she will always be a part of my life.

The thing is, her intrusions wouldn't happen if he didn't want them to.

He's doing what he wants, & he's going to keep on doing just what he's doing right now.

You can live with the mistreatment, disrespect, & risk (this sounds like the kind of guy that brings home a disease you may or may not be able to get rid of), or get him out of your life, put him into your past & leave him there, & go on to something that's actually fun/fulfilling/rewarding/enjoyable.

I wish you the best.

Look. If it's not her, it's going to be somebody else. He is showing you his own behavior and what he is willing to accept (want?) from someone who isn't you.

Again: if it's not her, it'll be somebody else.

>>I am just so angry at her intrusions into my relationship, and sick of being told I'm selfish and wrong and overreacting. I don't know what to do anymore or if I can ever be happy in this relationship knowing that it means she will always be a part of my life.Sandracis, did you even READ the responses to your post?

SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, IT'S YOUR MAN!!!

What should do you do? BREAK UP WITH HIM!! HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE.

What's the problem? Is he paying your bills or something? Is the d%ck THAT good? Are you that desperate for love and attention?

Sorry if I come across harsh, but you were given good advice by at leave FIVE different people and in your response you don't even acknowledge what people told you.

It's like you didn't even read what people told you. Seems you're more interested in complaining about your situation instead of doing something about it.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Wed, Apr 2, 14 at 9:52

Thanks to all who replied. I appreciate your comments and help. I did take all advice into consideration and was merely trying to talk out this issue with people who understand, not "not listening". It's also a large decision to just walk away which is why I am seeking advice first. I don't want to make a decision based on anger and am trying to identify issues and my reactions before addressing them with my partner. I have been told repeatedly that I am overreacting to situations with his ex, and it's been so long that I sometimes cannot accurately gauge my own reactions. So, again, thank you to all who posted and understand the myriad and conflicting emotions that can arise in blended families and with exes.

Who divorced who in their marriage. When I married my husband he was carrying a torch for his ex and would jump at every thing she wanted him to do, hang drapes, etc.. When her plans didn't work out with another man, she wanted her ex husband back which at the time was mine. He moved out and came back home in 2 weeks. They went out one time and she could tell he was thinking it was a mistake. She said go home before she changes the locks. I had just changed them that day. Even though I did not realize it at the time, she did me a favor by putting out the torch.

Emma, the OP's BF cheated on her twice in their relationship. A child was the result of one of these affairs. BF continues to have inappropriate boundaries with this BM.
It's understandable the OP is uncomfortable with her BF having communications with the BM if it doesn't relate to the child.

>>I have been told repeatedly that I am overreacting to situations with his ex, and it's been so long that I sometimes cannot accurately gauge my own reactions.OP, your BF is making you question your feelings. HeâÂÂs got you feeling like youâÂÂre the unreasonable one. My ex-husband used to play the same mind games on me. It took a long time for me to recognize what he was doing and to stop letting him play with my mind.

I guess I'm getting upset because I hate to see someone else get manipulated the way my exhusband used to manipulate me.

Sandra, you are doubting everything you feel. Your BF has you convinced that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You have got to start trusting your feelings.

One of a womanâÂÂs greatest strengths is her intuition and emotions. A man may be more rational and logical, but that doesnâÂÂt mean heâÂÂs always right.

Research has shown that women are better at reading facial expressions of emotions than men. As a result, women are more likely to pick up on subtle emotional messages being sent by others.

And there really is truth to the whole âÂÂgut feelingsâ concept. There are neurotransmitters in the gut that respond to environmental stimuli and emotions. When those neurotransmitters fire, you feel the sensation of âÂÂbutterfliesâ or uneasiness in your stomach. That is your âÂÂgutâ talking to you.

The right brain is almost always reading your surroundings, even when your conscious left brain is otherwise engaged. The body can register this information while the conscious mind remains unaware of whatâÂÂs going on.

No, you donâÂÂt want to make a decision based on anger, but you also need to listen to those feelings. WHY are you angry? Part of it is because the ex is making inappropriate advances to your BF, but part of it is because you are worried BF still wants to be with her. And his actions do not tell you otherwise.

The next time your feelings are hurt because your BF is not responding to BM the way you feel he should, donâÂÂt doubt your feelings just because he coldly and âÂÂlogicallyâ argues that thereâÂÂs nothing he can do about it. There are things he CAN do, he just chooses to take the easy way out.

He is telling you youâÂÂre overreacting and that he isnâÂÂt responsible. Realize that heâÂÂs the one with a vested interest in winning this argument.

DonâÂÂt let him play with your mind. You're not the crazy one. You're not the unreasonable one. You are not being selfish. You are not overreacting.

Trust your...

I am definitely starting to learn that trusting my gut is important. I do feel manipulated and am seeing that with more clarity everyday. I know there's nothing I can do to change his or her behavior, and if he isn't willing or able to see where I'm coming from, then I just have to be strong and move on. Thank you all so much for your words; it's comforting just to know such a forum exists because another hard thing is that no one in my life is in any similar situation. I'm in my 20's and most of my friends don't have kids, and obviously don't have to deal with an ex constantly. Feeling alone with no one to talk to is almost as bad as feeling confused. So, thank you.

Sandra - welcome back, and kudos to you. Now you're sounding mature and reasonable. I completely understand the emotional wrecks we can become when manipulated, even to the point of doubting ourselves and starting to think that we really are wrong.

So - get your self-esteem back, stand up for what you know is right, and do what you need to do.

Suzieque

Sandra,

I'm glad things are starting to get more clear for you. You may not know anyone in the same kind of situation as you, but you still have a pretty decent idea of what a relationship should be like. Did your parents have a good marriage?

I apologize if I came off strong at first, I just hate to see a woman get taken advantage of the way you are.

Feel free to post on here as you work through your self-esteem issues.