Marleah, since you go to the rose forum, perhaps you know my story? I posted on the conversations side of the rose forum about my dad and his fight against leukemia, which was lost Feb 6 last year. I know how you feel. I was with my dad almost every day for almost 9 months, and before that, it was at least once a week. Talking on the phone many times a day was something we also did. Breaking that habit was hard. You can't turn back time, nor can I. The day my dad died, I had a doctor appt which took me away a "good" 3 hours. I kick myslef regularly for leaving because when I got back, he wasn't able to speak much or long. He managed to say I love you before never being able to speak again. I can't imagine what we could have talked about in the few hours I was gone. I like you, were there for our dad's. I have 2 sisters; one living on the West coast that came out a few times when he was mostly in the hospital and weak; the other, she didn't return his calls and spent his last day going through insurance paperwork. They both have to live with their decisions; as I do mine. I put my own family on hold during those 9 months; but there were days when I had to deal with my family and not go to the hospital to see dad. One day was counseling for my daughter; she'd lost her uncle when my dad was 1st diagnosed, then right after Halloween my ex sister in law (her godmother) died suddenly at 41; so she lost both her aunt & uncle who were married. This particular day dad was at death's door & I didn't find out until later that night. The doctor called to tell me that he didn't think he;d try to save him next time :( By the time I got there the next day, my dad was sitting up eating pancakes lol When you have kids life is hectic. Since you work in a hospital, you know most people having that proceedure do fine. You couldnt see into the future, and know that he wouldn't. You did manage to spend time with him. My dad even though he was sleeping / resting knew I was with him at the hospital; I'm sure your dad did too. You're a good daughter. You found time in your busy life to sit with him. You really should have no regrets; I don't think your dad would want you to. I know my dad thought the world of the care I gave him those months; he told everyone how proud he was of me; and how much I knew about his cancer. Stop being so hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive. Since you work at the hospital, you probably know that a lot of the patients don't have visitors all of the time. The doctors used to tell me about the difference my visits made; and how some people don't have visitors regularly. You have to grieve, it's going to take time. The other day i found a pic of dad and lost it. I keep 2 photos of us on my desk and made a memory frame for this room; also one for each kid - their's holds a few of his momentos, my son has a watch, his lighter, my daughter has a little plastic frog he had in his car. I have no clue why this pic made me cry when I see these others daily. Did your dad garden? Little things remind me of him. I'll be working in the garden and see a worm from his old house (they are visibly different then the worms down here - I collected them when we moved him down here) or I've been pulling up lilies & daffs getting ready to sell my house. Of course I'm digging blind & from memory. I'll talk to my dad while digging, asking if the sale is going to happen and if I'm doing this for nothing. Next thing I know, I find a jackpot of bulbs. Christmas was especially hard here also. My dad used to buy my kids Hess trucks. I couldn't make up my mind whether I'd continue the tradition - especially since my 21 yr old son is very sensative & also had a close bond to dad - my dad helped me raise him. Since he never had a son, he was the apple of his eye. Anyway, my son couldn't decide on the trucks, so the Sunday before Christmas I asked hubby to pick them up. I decided not to wrap them, nor to make a "big deal" about them. I slid them pretty far under the tree. I was an emotional wreak. I went to the couch crying. All of a sudden I smelled my dad's breakfast - scrambled eggs with Hungarian yellow peppers. It's not a common smell. I realized he was there with me, he was telling me "don't cry". I got through the day knowing I wasn't alone. The next morning, Christmas; I put the CD player on. I have 5 CD's on shuffle, and even though it's on shuffle, it pretty much plays the same every time. This time it started with a song I associate with my dad; Blue Christmas by Anne & Nancy Wilson. There's 2 versions of the song on theses CD's but this song was the 1st to play. I knew dad was again in the house; and I managed to get through the day. Of course I cried like hell when the song came on; but after a good cry I was ready to face the day and try to have a decent holiday. I think that once you slow down and allow yourself to see these little things; you will realize your dad is visiting you too. It's not easy, trust me; but we have to go on for our kids. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't see it easing any time soon for myself; but I don't think my dad would want me to be down all of the time, especially in front of other people.

Sending my Birthday Greetings as well. Comfortable chair...Check Comfortable clothes... Check Favorite Baseball Cap.... Check Adoring Lap puppies.....Check His checklist is complete for a Very Happy & Healthy Birthday! Best Wishes & many more!

My mom would have said no because she hates BD and often makes things worse by not thinking things through. I would have allowed dd to stay a couple more hours. Granted the drive isn't far. Not a big deal. Honestly from a BM perspective, I think mom's who make it impossible for a child to have extra time or impossible to agree to changes is really showing that they are jealous that they don't want their child participating with 'the other' families. I felt this way a long time ago. Lol I remember the first weekend of our seperation was devastating. It was a Thursday and the judge allowed BD to have dd Friday night- Sunday night because his parents had come in to town to support him through 'this rough time'. I did not get along with my ex inlaws. So when I found out the ENTIRE family was in town... I flipped. I stormed over there, demanded my dd back (not my time to have her) but then when BD was bringing her out, she was bawling (she was 4) I don't want to leave mommy my cousins are here!! I miss them! We're going swimming! Mommy!! I just broke down, I sat in the drive way crying (feeling sorry for me). I didn't want to go home alone. I didn't want to get divorced. He filed on a Tuesday, the following week we were in court on Thursday, this was Friday or Saturday. I had no idea BD wanted a divorce so I was just in complete shock. I let her stay. I felt like such a fool. So embarrassed how I acted. It only proved to his family how right they were about me. And that ate me up even more. I was so 'jealous' they were having family fun and I was no longer included. I changed quickly. I still sometimes feel a 'pang' of jealousy but it never goes further than a stab at the gut and I move on. So being in those same shoes I can see what people (mom's and dad's alike are guilty of this) are doing it and identify it. I don't think it's healthy. It's the most unhealthy thing for a person to walk around like that. And what neither grandma nor BM realize is they are hurting SD. She probably sulked all the way home. I often wonder if DD treats dad and SM the same as she treats me when she doesn't get her way or what she wants... I know I say yes more than they do. I hope she does though. I sometimes hate how they get 'special' treatment by dd just because she isn't around them much. It's ok to disrespect me and to whine an yell at me when she doesnt get what she wants ... But towards them she accepts their answer and says nothing back to them... But I deep down know it's because she isn't comfortable with them. I guess I'm ok with that. I actually enjoyed sharing that story because it reminds me how much I've grown in 6 1/2 years :)

I've never been married. I'm 56 now, so I realize it's not going to be easy to find a partner. I dropped out of college in 1980 to take care of my grandmother who helped raise me. Then I became the caregiver for three other relatives in succession, the last was my father, so I didn't get out enough to meet many single men. I got back from Cache Creek casino sooner than expected. One of my cousins wasn't feeling well so we had to come home early. Now that I'm home, I'm feeling depressed, partly because I lost money, and didn't have time to win it back, but mostly because I miss my dad. I thought of how much more fun the trip would have been if he were with me. I remembered the time when we gambled all night together in Reno, when we both were much younger. We arrived home exhausted but happy. I wish we could have had more fun times like that. I thought about my dad on the long ride home and how the world seems so empty without him, even though there were crowds of people in the casino and on the roads and freeways. It's hard to believe I"ll ever feel better, but I know I'm feeling extra weary from lack of sleep. I couldn't sleep well last night, because I was crying so much, more than before. It's a different kind of exhaustion than the kind you get from having fun. I know that no one can take my dad's place, but it would be nice to have someone here to talk over the trip with and to just watch tv with at the end of the day. Thank you for the offer to message you, JoAnn. Feel free to message me anytime, too. Sending hugs and prayers, Gilda