husband issue

18 years ago

My friend was talking to me about an issue she is having with her husband today and I thought I would post it on here and get some feedback for her since earlier people were discussing husbands.

Her and her husband have 3 kids between the ages of 4-11. She is a stay at home mom and her husband works full time on a 3-11pm shift. Her issue is that her husband comes home at night and plays video games until all hours of the morning and then wants to sleep until noon. Other times he just stays up watching t.v. This gives her and the youngest barely any time with him. On the weekends he does the same thing when all the kids are home. This is an ongoing battle and he does not seem to get why she is upset. She says it turns into a screaming match.

Her issue is that instead of coming home and only spending an hour or so to unwind he choses to play video games or watch t.v. all night instead of waking up at a decent hour and spending time with his family before work. Even when he does not stay up all night he wants to sleep all day. She says if he went to bed at 2 he could still get up by 9 or 10 and have a good amount of sleep and some family time. He says he works all the time so she can stay home and he should be able to relax. She said she feels like a single parent because she does everyting by herself.

Any advice on how she can deal with this situation (and no her husband can not switch jobs or shifts and no she does not want a divorce) But she says trying to explain the problem to him is making her feel like she is banging her head off a brick wall!

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Comments (5)

kkny
18 years ago
Wow, I dont think swing shift work is easy on the worker or the family. Does her DH ever help at school (field trips, etc) -- that is an opportunity many men dont have. If not already, soon all of your friends children will be in school. She will have a great opportunity to go to school herself, work etc. If not, she can have lunch with her husband, just the two of them.
imamommy
18 years ago
As I'm reading, I'm thinking 'your friend married a baby!'. My 21 year old son and a couple of nephews about the same age do that. They work until midnight, stay up til dawn watching movies or playing video games and sleep til noon or one. That's fine if you don't have a wife and kids. He gets away with it because she lets him. I don't think you can really change someone and usually when you demand someone change and they don't want to, they end up not changing or resenting you for making them change. She really needs to communicate to him how she feels and if he cares, he will want to make some changes. If for nothing else, his kids. Damn me for watching Judge Judy too much, but I keep thinking 'she picked him!'
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sylviatexas1
18 years ago
yeah, but I bet she didn't know that working 2nd shift would make him act like this (or make it possible for him to act like this).

I've said it before, may even have said it before on this very forum, but women believe words, men believe action.

At 9 AM, I'd have something scheduled that involved both of us-
volunteering at school, breakfast with friends, trip to the park with little one, etc.

Let him know a couple of days in advance, remind him when he goes to work, remind him when he gets home.

& get his hiney up at 8 AM to shower & shave & make himself presentable.

& I'd "schedule" him for something every morning possible, & wake him up with a treat when he didn't have an "appointment";
"Baby loves his Daddy, he's been beggging to come play with you", etc.
almoststepmom
18 years ago
I do not think that unless she drastically changes her own situation that he will change because he does not have to. I have a friend that when she stayed home for years that her husband worked 2nd or 3rd shift and sometimes even a part time job and hardly ever spend anytime with her or the kids because he was always working or sleeping. She has just started working her own full-time job from 7-4 and now he is being a father and a husband for the first time. I know that your friend does not want to have to go to work to make him change but I do not think that this man would have changed without it because he felt he did not have to because he was the "provider." But if talking is not working, maybe they should try a counselor. Maybe if he hears from a outside third party how immature he is being, then maybe he will listen.
sugarland-girl
18 years ago
I'm sorry but he CAN switch to first shift. It's called getting a new job if the one he has doesn't work for his life priorities. I also work second shift, 4pm till some nights 2 or 3 in the morning. My step son lived with us for a year so I had to get up every morning at 6 to get him ready and take hime to school. (My hubby leaves for work at 4 in the morning so I had no choice) I didn't love getting up that early but I managed just fine!! The same goes for my hubby, he'll stay up a couple nights a week till I come home to spend an hour or so with me before he goes to bed, even though he leaves for work at 4. So these situations CAN work if you simply take the time to make them work.

In their situation it sounds to me like he's using his job as a cop out to avoid his family and responsiblities! He realized having children is hard work and not always peaches and cream! And most of all they NEVER go away!! So he just simply avoids them all together. He doesn't want to spend time with his wife because he knows they end up fighting about the same things over and over again. So he avoids her too.

The first thing I would do is pitch his video game system then I'd cancel the the cable or satillite. If she's had the same conversation with him time and time again to no resolve, it's time to do something that will demand his attention!! Maybe they need to start talking to someone about their problems, whether it be a pastor or psycologist. But she needs to do something now because if she doesn't get this man back on track she WILL become a single parent in the end!!

husband issue

Comments (5)

kkny

imamommy

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sylviatexas1

almoststepmom

sugarland-girl

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