Your husband needs to work it out for himself. Your asking him/demanding a paternity test is ultimately going to make him turn against you despite the 'obvious' doubts you may him. In the end, the ball is in his court and there's not a lot you can do. By the sounds of it you don't want to be burdened by this child and what ever relationship he had with his mother. My only advice is, you can't change any of it. You do however, have control over you. It sounds like you don't want this boy in your life (with all the associated baggage)and that's okay but you can't push your husband into a corner. People are funny about their kids and perhaps there is a part of him that enjoys the fact that this might be his son. I don't know the answer. I only know you have to think about yourself and what's right for you.

I feel if the boy is not his, we should have the rights to know the truth. I don't want to let the mom take advantage of us and makes us feel like dummies. I think my husband is afraid to find out mostly because he is afraid he will treat the boy different if he is not really his.

choppymom: I agree with Aldra. Ultimately the ball is in your husband's court. Unfortunately, many men have this idealized notion about kids, especially sons. Determine if this is a conflict you want to get into (again) and if it is worth your marriage to your husband. You didn't say how old this son is, but if he's close to being a teenager, I probably wouldn't bother. If he's on the other side of 11 or 12, its worth considering. I understand you when you say that you don't want to continue to be taken advantage of, but men don't always see it like we do. If you do go ahead with testing behind your husband's back you need to be ready for the backlash, especially if this child is not your husbands. I believe your husband will be forever resentful of you, even though this is not a situation you have created.

Hi Choppymom,

I understand your position well as I don't believe my husband's son is his biologically. We've had the same argument over and over again about it. I've driven myself nuts over it, wondering if I should try to do the paternity test on the QT, but in the end, I decided not to be/c I would be left with knowing either way and if I was right, my husband would be devastated and probably very resentful towards me, and not the *real* person whom he should actually be mad with. I agree with Aldra's advice. I had to do the same. As outsiders, we can see what our husbands can't and yes, it does hurt that we aren't believed or that we have to deal with it on our own. But I also completely agree with you that you, just like my DH & I, also have the right to know whether or not the child really is his, especially since we have the boy full-time with no help whatsoever from the BM. It's a difficult situation to be in.

I understand how you could wonder and how you would want to know, but how will it make a difference in the long run? If you are correct and your husband is not his father, will the child then be punished for it by not having his dad (the man who raised/is raising him) in his life?

Does your husband pay child support? Because usually before they start payments they do a test if you ask for one.I'm pretty sure it is also free (at least it was for my husband)My husband requested one just to be absolutely sure because alot of rumors were flying around saying his daughter wasnt his because his ex was cheating on him too.

I agree with the others though that sneaking around behind your husband's back if he doesnt want it is a recipe for disaster. If he finds out you did this,he will feel betrayed in the worst way and may even want to divorce you over it.

If he has doubts,it has to be his decision to follow through with getting a test.

I mean,what would you do if you found out his son wasnt his?
You couldnt tell your husband...and you'd have to live with the knowledge on your own and then you'd resent him and his mom.I hope you really think about this before doing it.

hi choppymom...Have you thought about how it would affect the son if he found out that the man he loved as his dad was NOT his real dad? When my younger brother was little, he found out that dad was not his bio-father. It crushed him. It was such a sad situation. Please think about the lives it would affect in such a negative way if you went ahead with the testing without your husbands' knowledge. If you found out your husband is not his sons' bio-father, he will probably resent you, possibly divorce you, and carry on as the boys' father anyway. I don't understand your thinking, saying you have a right to know, it's not your right. It is that boys right to have his dad though.

hey choppymom, I somewhat agree with the others 50/50...The negative side is if your husband does not want to know right now and you do the test - he may just get very angry. Which would be normal....the positive side of him doing the test (knowingly somehow) is that if in the future the bio mom decides to bring the bio dad (if your husband isn't) into the picture. That could happen as it did in our situation. Although my husband knew his son was not his - but agreed to take care of him - thinking the bio dad was dead (according to ex) - now 14 years later, my husband has been very hurt and still pays child support and does not have the relation with his son he used to. (all thanks to vendictive ex).....just if you do - talk with him first....

Thank you so much for all your advices. I can see the impact it has to the family if I do the testing behind him.

Everytime when my husband brought up the topic about changing his younger son's (6yo) last name back to his, his Ex would go crazy about it. She even tried to convince the older son (8yo) to change his last name to hers because she gave birth to him. I see the pain my husband has when struggling with the past and would not want to deal with it any further. I am afraid to even bring this topic up again, and therefore I really don't know what we would do IF the boy is not his. But personally, considering how much we both love him, I will say we will continue to raise him even if we find out the boy is not his. Perhaps I should not do the test and continue to live in an ignorance world, but Jenny brought up my fear as well, what if the boy is not my husband's and years later the bio-dad comes back to the picture? I think at that time my husband will be even more devastated. I wonder if my husband is actually afraid to find out 'what else' his ex had done to him or really is about the boy? If he loves the boy, I think he will continue to love him even if he is not his (of course that's my perspective over him). On the other hand, I do not see much differences on my part because I AM raising somebody's children full time anyway.

We are not paying any child support to each other but we have primary custody. His Ex sees her children 2 days per week. We drew the shorter stick because at the beginning his Ex only wanted to take away the younger son(the one with her last name), and leave the older son with my husband. My husband almost agreed to it because he was not thinking straight at that time as it was right after he found out about her affair. As his friend at that time, I encouraged him to consider the brotherhood between the boys and helped him gain the primary custody. We tried to avoid going to the court fearing she might end up having both and become the primary (she loves her boys, but she is quite wacky, who believes it is ok for kids to eat McDonalds everyday as long as they take Vitamins, and believes its ok for the kids to damage their eyes because there is lasik surgery available, and the boys always come home stinky because she doesn't let them take showers for 3 days... I can go on more). In order to gain his Ex's compromise, we agreed she did not need to pay any child support.

I can see how you feel since you are raising them fulltime....I just think your husband may be mad.You never said if you would tell him or not if you got the results. Anyhow I just hope it works out good for everyone involved.

ZERO good would come of "knowing". Every single person involved would be affected in a negative way. Who CARES if the boy is not biological? Does your husband love him? Does he love his dad? Do you love him? Does he love you? What's the point of "knowing"???

Sounds like you have good reasons to suspect the younger boy is not your husband's. And I'd bet your husband suspects it also.

But I 100% support his decision NOT to find out. Why? Because he knows it would change the way he feels about the boy, and because as a good and loving father, he knows that's not in the boy's (or his own) best interests. If he can live with the doubt, that's truly better for everyone. Be grateful for the kind of man you married and give him your heartfelt support.

If you truly need to know, it'll be for medical reasons, and that's likely to be way off down the road. You can find out then.

I'm a guy,and I'd want to know if the kid was really mine of not.Why should they have to take care of someone else's kid?

Chris, you sure can tell you are a guy..haha..you are very short with your entries and us women are running away with the entries!! :) Chances are this man will love this child no matter what...my husband loves his and he is not the bio father. But the negative issue I brought up is that the ex or bio father (if not his) could come back in the picture...then non-bio father is crushed...he has been this childs father - but if ex is vendictive enough - she CAN rip that away. People have a right to know - in every way. It is just not right to live a lie.

Thank all for your feedback. I am also glad to hear a perspective from a man. For my marriage sake, I choose to hold off the testing until the topic emerge again. I do see the pros and cons for the testing and I choose to respect my husband's decision. Afterall, it is already in his mind, so if it ever bothers him enough, I guess he will choose to test it himself. To Coolmama, I bet I would tell my husband of the result if I ever conduct the testing and I think I would even give him a headsup before I do it.

GET THE TEST!! not for you, not for your husband..but for the rights of the son. He is entitled to know who is biological father is. Many medical, emotional, and psychological disorders and diseases are heriditary. The time you are using to decide what to do , is time that could be spent forming a bond between real father and child. Taken that way, it almost seems selfish on your husbands part not to have the test.
There may be trauma associated with the outcome of the test, but there is emotional stress NOW with you and your husband. Even though your husband reacts defensively, he has doubts.
And because you are caregiver to this child, you deserve to have your doubts assuaged.

what weed said.

& really, it isn't your place to make any decisions regarding this non-issue:

it's your husband's, & he's told you to drop it.

(I'm not a guy, but if someone surreptitiously took samples of my DNA for testing, I'd blow a gasket.

& if I'd already told her/him not to do it, I hope I'd have the mental & emotional clarity to recognize it for the betrayal it is & throw her/him out & continue my life with my son.)

From the child's point of view - I'm 56 years old. My mother and father have been divorced. About 9 years old my father told me my mother told him I might not be his. I wanted to have a paternity test done so that I would know. He did not. He said he has loved me all this time and it really wouldn't matter now unless we had some medical issues that needed attention. It does, however, bother me. It's one thing to know that this person loves me. But it completely another to know who my biological father is. Maybe the adults need to think about the child's best interests.

Correction to last post: 9 years ago my father talked to me about this. Sorry for the mistake.

What Weed said!

Don't even think of doing a paternity test secretly. Your husband is satisfied with things as they are and you should be, too. Don't bring chaos in this child's life. Can you imagine what the devastating effect on the child would be if suddenly he was told, "Oh, you're not my son, sorry. Maybe your biodad will turn up some day. See ya!"

When you married this man, you knew he had children. Now you resent the fact that he has to pay child support. Tough! Forget about it and love the boy. Saying the biodad would turn up later in life is just an excuse. You don't really think that will happen. A strange man can't just come into the kid's life and demand a paternity test, anyway. Be an adult and think of the child first and not of your selfishness.

That is not being selfish to find out...the child doesn't have to know at this point...but it WILL come out eventually. It always does. If the ex is vendictive, she will come out with it one day. That is what my husband is going through now.

choppymom's husband doesn't pay child support. The dad has primary custody. SHE should be paying CS. If he does the paternity test while the child is still young and he is not his...at least the bio dad will not be hit in the face with it...which IS devastating. This dosen't mean things will change. The bio dad and choppymom sound like they love this kid....SM is raising him. It is the right thing to do...because it will come out in the end - then the years to this kid are all lies...it happense all the time!

Does it really matter?

If your husband and the boy have a relationship, does the blood test really matter?

My sister, she found out growing up that my dad isn't actually her dad. She and my dad still shared a daughter/father relationship. They got along better than my father and I have ever have.

I'm just not so sure if you should bother pressing it. I don't know your whole situation, but personally I just think things might be best lying where they are.