Silver - I would say that she, being 7 years old, didn't know how to answer DH when he asked her the question. She just popped off with something.

I agree with don't sweat the small stuff thing, unless you are buying copious amounts of hot cocoa (like I have been with chocolate syrup).

I also tend to agree with don't sweat the small stuff, but this issue---being vague or half-truthful, the importance of good communication--is clearly an issue that Silver feels is important. It's not a small issue to her, and that is her perogative as a parent. As parents, we all pick and choose what values we want to instill in our children.

What is "small" to one person might not be small to another and vice-versa.

Ok, the pizza analogy. I'd rather teach my daughter that if she wants a whole piece of pizza that she says, "Mom, can I take a dollar because I want a whole slice today" instead of just taking what she wants and dealing with the repercussions later. It's called integrity.

I don't know where every toy lives, and I hardly think I'm the strictest parent out there. I just think that if you're not going to be consistent, what's the point?

I haven't forgotten what it's like to be a 7 year old. When DD took a box of GS cookies out of the case we were selling for her troop and snuck the cookies, and I found them stashed later, I laughed. DH laughed. We told her the stories about how we did the VERY same thing when we were kids, and explained why it wasn't ok. 1, they weren't our cookies and it's not ok to just take something that's not yours. 2, she stashed them so bugs can get to them. We live in a warm area and if you leave food in your room we will get ants and spiders in the house. There was no Cookie-Gate.

I was not a big hand-washer before I met my DH either. It took me a year of thinking he was pretty silly before I really came around to his POV. It is literally the first defense against illness. We wash hands after coughing and sneezing too. And yes, it's for the full 20 seconds recommended, washing between the fingers. I'm not a germaphobe, I think a little dirt never hurt anyone and I know studies say those with a moderately clean house are healthier than those with a filthy or fully sanitized home. I remember to wash my hands. When we go to restaurants after we sit down and order, we go wash our hands. And I'm one of those who opens the door with my used paper towel.

I'm not "sweating the small stuff". My main irritation was that DH just walked out. He didn't want to deal, which is understandable but still irritating; because this pattern is something we're going through right now with her. It's normal, but that doesn't make it easier. We're on the exact same page with how to parent most of the time, and I don't think any two people can ALWAYS agree on the best method. It's give and take, and supporting the other parent. Which can be hard, even if you aren't involving steps.

" So I guess my inability to understand your concerns in this situation hasn't prevented my kids from growing up to know how to tell the truth. But maybe they would be better if they had been exposed to better influences."

I dunno. We all do the best we can and we're all products of the parenting we received. There's no manual for child rearing. My parents were super lax about everything. And I don't think that helped me but I turned out fine. But I'm doing it a little different than they did. I'm not making arbitrary rules and expecting her to follow them. I have standards for behavior and I explain why they are important to me.

And Mary, you're right... any one of those "maybes" could have happened. So... is the answer to ignore the cover-up or is the answer to break it down right there for her and explain that the truth is the right answer? The way to deal with all the cocoa in the cup? "Hey, I accidentally poured the whole thing". Not covering it up!!! DH would have most likely said "well, you'd better drink the whole thing then!" (and it would not be said in anger. We're not angry with her.)

It's not the cost, or the waste particularly, it's noticing portions and only taking what you'll use. She can have the whole bag. But why use the whole bag unless you're actually going to drink it?

"It was like looking at a parent from another planet" lol, Mary and I loved your post. My best friend and I usually rent a beach house together every summer and it's seriously like worlds collide! We both laugh about it, but I seriously would not want to parent like that. And I think she secretly thinks my dd is going to grow up and be a hobo lol.

Two more things....in case I didn't go on long enough before.

"Why?" is a really hard question for many people to answer. If we are going to be competely accurate there is often a myriad of thoughts and feelings that propel us into a course of action. This is even more true for children than adults who hopefully have developed a pattern of thinking before we act.

Your DD may simply have not known how to choose between all of the thoughts and feelings she had at the time she made the cocoa. When your DH asked her "why?" how could she be sure if she did it because:
- she was wishing she was a big girl and could drink a whole package
- she was going too fast and it spilled
- she was trying to disobey just because she is a naughty child
-she was sitting on the cupboard when she did it and knew you wouldn't like that she was sitting there
-she momentarily wasn't paying attention to what she was doing
-she had a thought about sharing with someone but then changed her mind
-or something else all together that she might have forgotten by now.
My point is that there is rarely only one way of answering a question like "why?' and your DD may not have been able to decide in that moment which one was the most true.

On another point, I agree that we all get to decide for ourselves and our families just what is "the small stuff". For me "small stuff" would be wondering about whether this child was "really" lying or "really" confused or "really" trying to upset her SD. Buit for Silver and others, it is obviously big stuff. That's okay and I'm glad you wrote what you did so I can learn more about what matters to others and why.

I was known as the easy going, open doors neighbourhood mom who had a a couple of hot button issues that would cause all play to stop and "the talk" to commence. Racist, sexist and homophobic comments (things like "you're so gay" or "you throw like a girl" - usually said in jest and without any malicious intent) would be enough to get me worrying the way that others have on this thread about honesty. I'm quite sure some of the other parents would have rather I dealt with honesty instead of stereotyping and social equality, but as I've said before, that is not where I thought I could make a contribution to parenting. Lots of kids now in their teens and early twenties don't use "gay" as a pejorative term because of me. More just think I was nuts but made good snacks and let them eat until they were full. That's okay, too.

"Racist, sexist and homophobic comments (things like "you're so gay" or "you throw like a girl" - usually said in jest and without any malicious intent) would be enough to get me worrying the way that others have on this thread about honesty."

This is changing the subject, but your "throw like a girl" comment reminded me of something. My SS takes baseball lessons (specifically, batting) and my DH was laughing a couple weeks ago b/c the coach refers to the boys as "Sally" when they don't hit. As in "Come on, Sally, step it up!" DH thought it was funny because SS said "Dad, why does the coach call us Sally?" And DH told him "because he thinks you're hitting like a girl!"

ACK. I was so ticked! HELLO, we have a daughter! I reminded DH that DD swims competitively AND played softball last summer and that it would NOT be good for her to hear that comment---nor is it the correct attitude to be teaching SS.

DH agreed. BUT I still think it's annoying that the coach says things like that.

I am also on the *stricter* side when it comes to these things. I do not let the kids use the word "retarded" and I also take issue with "Oh my God." I know adults say it all the time, I say it myself occasionally, but to me, it sounds very inappropriate coming from the mouth of a child.DD has never said it, but SS used to and we broke him of that by reminding him consistently to say "oh my gosh."

Othe than that, we've not had an issue with bad language, but my kids are still at the age where they think STUPID is a bad word. LOL.

"But for Silver and others, it is obviously big stuff."

Actually, when I posted it was more about DH... if you look back, that was my irritation.

I wrote ..."Now... this is silly, I know. But I can't help but think DD is just testing DH. I explained to her she needs to ask if she doesn't know, not just go ahead and do what she wants...."

That is, until I felt I was being called a Cocoa Nazi. Things written down sometimes sound harsher than they are in real life. If you met me you'd probably find me pretty easygoing, most people do.

I was irritated because he is strict/was being strict (although upon reaching for the cocoa I would have asked if there were half a bag too simply because there always is, just like there is always a half of an onion somewhere in the fridge in our house.) even though I know that his tactics are working. I overcompensated for her not having her dad, for taking her away from her dad even though it was the healthiest thing at the time. I had a lot of guilt and had weird SD/co-parenting issues for a while. It takes time to learn the nuances of another parenting style and my defenses were WAYYYYY up for a long time, which doesn't bode well for the children because they can tell parent/sparent are not on the same page.

She's really stopped pushing pushing pushing so much and we've had a much more relaxed home environment. She used to sit at the table and wait until I wasn't looking and then "zone out" and chew with her mouth open, looking right at me, until I looked at her and then she'd snap to. It was conscious. She's testing us, and that's why when these little "let's see what you'll do when I don't listen" instances come up we deal with it immediately instead of sweeping it under the rug of "kids will be kids".

DD had a major TEST of me a few weeks ago where she got grounded (first time in her life) and then repeated the EXACT behavior she just got grounded for in plain sight of me, etc. It was the first time I have ever actually YELLED at her because talking was just not working. The cocoa is just a continuation of behavior that I see emerging and is not ok with me. It's not this instance it's the cumulative repeated behaviors.

Love, my DD told me she found the "S-word" in the dictionary. When I casually asked her about it she got conspiratorial and whispered "...stupid". LOLOL!!!

Okay!!! ... way off topic ... 2 issues!!!

SS14 has picked up what I will call a bad habit in the last year he might have done it before but I never noticed it until this year ... well once in a while before ... so I am guessing he continues this "bad habit" because he knows it gets under my skin ... and it drives me nutz the first time he does it I remind him ... he waits a bit and while staring at me with what you called "zoning out" he will do it atleast 3 more times ... before I remind him you are doing it again .... and he stops again ... I ask do you do that at friends houses its really annoying please stop.

What could this bad habit be???

HE DRAGS HIS UNTENSILS ACROSS HIS TEETH... omgosh (haha) it drives me nutz ...we tried the use your lips to get the food off the fork and a few other things so about 2 months I decided I had to fix this issue... so how did I fix this problem .... he eats with plastic untensils while everyone else gets "real" utensils. Every meal he gets mad can't cut his food ... can't get big enough bites whatever till you learn to eat I don't have to hear you dragging your teeth across the fork ...

My other new issue both boys... they seem to have forgotten all manners ... one shoves so much food in his mouth he nearly chokes the other as soon as he takes a bite he wants to have a conversation. Loud eating noises heavy breathing over food moaning with each bite lol Guessing its the age or just noticing their bad habits I guess ... then I am the mean SM because I correct them ...

one aggrivates the other is just gross ...

:)

and silver I will say ... stop having your DD wash her hands so much ... some germs are good ... :) too clean she will catch every bug out there!

That just made me nauseous, Pseudo. I don't really care about names (other than obvious politically incorrect stuff) but table manners....

My SO does the same exact thing. I'm going to hand him plastic silverware tonight. He also will fix his plate in the kitchen and stand right there and start eating. Or he will get a snack and come up behind you to eat with all that lip smacking. So disgusting and he really thought his speed of eating was something to be proud of. And just when you think it can't get worse, his entire family eats like that. There's slurping, smacking, teeth scraping utensils, gulping down fluids. I can't even look up from my plate, I lose my appetite.

And the worst part about all this, HE thinks I'm overreacting about his table manners. He really doesn't understand how repulsive most people find this. He'll close his mouth (all I have to give is the look lmao) but he still does it cause afterall, he's only doing it as a courtesy to me. I wish I had some way to explain to him that it's barnyard animal behavior.

OMGosh ..... the gulping of drinks!!!! another one

Like they haven't had a drink in weeks ... drink put it down pick it back up gulp away put it down and pick it right back up and gulp it again all while sucking in a ton of air so then the burping starts!!!! the drinking and picking back up is a constant no break it hits the table and back up for another gulp! ! 5 minutes later looking for a second/third bottle of water to inhale!!!

All 3 of them do it ... bottled water is the worst!!! I stopped buying bottled water (hahahahaa) and they complain no bottles!! oh well there is purified water from the tap.

I call it the "jitters" ... like its crack to them !!! the way they devour bottled water I giggle about it and point it out to hubby and he tells them to stop but they do it every time!!!

the JITTERS!!!!! absolutely!!! drive me nutz too!!!

I have left the table because of the way they eat many times ... I am the one standing at the counter eating ... I am by no means a "manners nazi" but come on guys!!! give a girl a break!!!

How I fixed name calling!! I have 3 SC's ...who can't stand each other (haha) so it worked really well.

Little background ...

My SC have an aunt and a cousin who are mentally retarded one from each side of the family.

So one day they came home from mom's house bickering like fools calling each other nasty names idiot retard etc.. went on for about 20 minutes in that 20 mins had called each other those names repeatedly .... called them into the kitchen for a "snack" as they sat there .... I gave them the speech

Look for people who have mentally retarded people on both your mom and dads sides of the family chances of one of you having a mentally challenged child are pretty high so in the future when you have a child think of someone actually calling them those words and how it will make you feel ... said how would your cousin and aunt feel if they heard you using those words etc... then I instituted a "new rule"

New rule:

Every time you call someone an idiot or retard it means "I love you" so the rest of the day ... and for couple weeks after that each time they called each other a "name" I would say oh isn't that sweet how much you love her/ him or when called the name that child would say I love you too... the name calling soon stopped because we did it from of friends and rather than be embarrassed they stopped the name calling.

Pseudo, I know some germs are good. I posted about that. I have her wash her hands at these times, specifically:

When she gets home from school
Before she eats
After she eats
After she plays with the neighbor's dog or plays outside
After she goes to the bathroom

I don't use hand sanitizer unless we are away from the house and there are no other options. She gets dirty. She plays in the mud. My house is not a sparkling germ-free zone.

I'm not going to reduce the hand washing. It's the first line of defense against getting sick. Hands are one of the dirtiest parts of the body. We use plain soap, not anti-bacterial. She's not "too clean" and she is in very good health. I don't get her the flu shot nor do I get it myself and we have yet to catch any flu this year. She got a cold for a few days in the winter and fought it off. She has not had antibiotics for over two years (strep throat was the last illness).

Did you know you can catch Hepatitis A from a handrail, or from shaking someone's hand? That when proper hand washing is utilized that the incidences of childhood pneumonia (the leading killer of children under 5 worldwide) are decreased by 1/2? When one out of three Adults don't wash their hands after using the restroom, and over half of middle age/high school age people do not wash their hands after using the restroom... there is fecal matter everywhere. Don't worry, even if my daughter washes her hands several times a day at school she's still going to get her fair share of poop on them.

I feed her healthy food, she gets good exercise and plenty of sleep and she WASHES HER HANDS.

"Don't worry, even if my daughter washes her hands several times a day at school she's still going to get her fair share of poop on them. "

That's hysterical!!!

!!! but does she chew with her mouth closed!!!

hahahah

Pretty much, yes she does. After being diligent about the "mouth-closed-no-talking-while-chewing" she actually has really good table manners. She also takes her plate/bowl to the sink and scrapes/rinses it. She puts away her dishes after they are clean too. She's no angel, but she's a very good kid.

My DH hates it that I eat with my fingers sometimes, even if it is supposed to be finger food. He also doesn't eat after anyone nor does he eat food if other people have touched it. We have one member of our family who will touch all the items on the communal plate. There's a reason Mom always says to only touch what you will take. Most manners developed from cleanliness factors.

I would enroll my boys in an etiquette class if they behaved like that at mealtimes. They may never need to know how to eat properly but like I tell my DD, I want you to know these things so that if you ever need them you are prepared. You may end up living in a hut eating cornmeal with a banana husk and bathing in the river. But if you get invited to dine with the Queen, I want you to know which fork to use.

Knowing appropriate behavior and when it is ok to scarf pizza and burp after every schlurpy soda gulp and when it is not is important, IMO. Not knowing, or not thinking it's important to know these manners can be a real social handicap.

I cannot imagine anyone ever turning on TV in the morning. DD never watched too much TV because neither I nor eX ever did so where would she learn turning on TV in the morning? I never ever touched TV in the morning. I believe in teaching by modeling. No need to punish.

lamom I never said DD did everything, of course she did not. Far from it. I just didn't make a fuss over stuff. I am happy who she is now, and who cares if she used half or the whole pack. Maybe if I was overbearing parent watching her every step, she would be forced to lie, I don't know. Life is hard as it is without making it even harder and more stressful for children and adults equally. Too much unhappiness in the world and too many people have awful relationships in their families. Not worth it

I think style of parenting described in this thread has a danger of raising very stressed and nervous human beings constantly watching over their shoulders. It also sounds somewhat OCD. My SIL has that along with other disorders and she tired to make her son to be OCD as well.

All she accomplished that he was very nervous child and now has very poor relationship with her. Funny thing is both her children are very sickly with all her hand washing obsessions, constant stomach problems and colds etc when my nephew became a teenager he started getting very frustrated with his mother, and my niece is getting there too.

I love mary's post. great, just great.

I was at a party once where a woman in her 50s-60s was cleaning her teeth with a fork, awful

Oh my goodness FD, do you ever make assumptions.

1. we never turn the tv on in the mornings. I rarely have it on at all. she's a kid. she likes cartoons, and she gets up early.

2. I am just about the furthest person from OCD that you will meet. I guess this one just went over your head.

carry on...

silverswood, I didn't make assumptions, you are the one who asked what consequences would I apply if my child is turning TV on in the morning and is late for school. My response was that i cannot relate, DD never ever turned TV in the morning, simply because we never did that. I don't know what your DD watches in the morning, I was not the one who asked. You keep asking what consequences I apply in this and that, but I cannot relate to any of that.

i don't know if you OCD, but many of the facts you share are signs of mild obsessions. It is neither good nor bad. it sounds stressful to me, but it might work for you.

I find it hard to believe that you "cannot imagine anyone turning on the TV in the morning" but, whatever.

I also asked consequences for leaving bowl on the table. Has that really never happened in your household? Surely you could understand my point, unless, as I suspect, you are being deliberately obtuse. My point was that sometimes the "natural consequences" of actions do not work. With "grab a sweater" there is the consequence of being cold. With other things, there isn't something so cut and dried.

I think we all have personality traits that may sound harsh or strange when in black and white, without any grey to even out the edges. But really, mild obsessions? Because I have my child be accountable for her actions and I strongly advocate hand washing?

This is just one of the glaring examples of why people have issues with this board. Rather than working around the issue it becomes an attack, a defense, a my-house-is-better-than-your-house situation.

...sorry I missed that one..of course people occasionally leave bowls on the table in any household, but I never thought there should be consequences for it. I can't think of any. I think maybe asking a child to pick up the bowl, that's not a consequence though? In my household whoever sees the bowl first, picks it up. Or ask each other? i don't know, i always lived in a small place, if you leave too much stuff out, you won't have a place to sit at LOL must clean up, would that be a consequence?

Now DD lives in such a tiny place, it is like a closet, two of them in a studio and kitchenette is right in the room, it is so tiny, i have never seen anything like that. DD must put everything away all the time. Last time I visited, i left some stuff out not thinking, she yelled at me that in a tiny place one must put everything away. maybe she had to apply some consequences to me LOL she forgot how she used to leave stuff. haha I don't know...I just can't relate, not a big deal.

I don't understand punishments. My parents were the same way. we are all OK and have decent lives and never have been in any trouble. I think I could be a bit stricter parent in some cases, but it just didn't see the point.

My DD22 and her SO do not have TV at all, I do not mean they have no cable, just no TV at all. Mind you we are not backwards people. Just everyone is different. We use computer a lot, as you can see. LOL

when she was little I had no cable and ex didn't have TV at all. that's maybe why she didn't have a habit. so we clearly are crazy too, just in a different way.

Well, I guess I fall in between the slacksters and the sargeants here. My kid DOES watch a little TV in the morning while eating his breakfast after dressing, pjs in hamper, hair and teeth brushed and so on. It's not a right, it's a privelege.

Yesterday morning DS7 wanted to watch some TV. I asked him had he brushed his teeth, he said yes so I said yes. When DH asked him about his teeth he said no. Wait a minute Hoss, you just told me you brushed your teeth! He then said "I don't remember." OK, we are on fib #2 now ala the cocoa. Now, did he get a time out for those brazen attempts to play fast and loose with the truth in order to watch Batman? No, his show was turned off. He knew he lied, we didn't make a huge deal but let him know that it was not OK and that we were on to him. He lost a small privilege, 10 minutes of TV before the schoolbus. Both my and DHs parents were strict disciplinarians and we are far from the true faith on that. But that doesn't mean lies, even little ones, go scot free.

On neatness, if I find toys, video games, DVDs etc. on his floor they become "mine." Meaning, I confiscate them for a day or two. In toy Nazi mode I usually take his favorites that are on the floor and leave the jetsom and flotsam. That has been effective since he was 3. He is a naturally tidy person although can be slack as well. Just call me Simon Legree.

I'm still with you Silver. And by the way, you are right, handwashing is very important. Why do doctors wash their hands before even looking at you? Without elaborating, we became a family of handwashers while my son was in cancer treatment last year and have continued the habit. It's a good one. Now if only I could get him to use those anti bacterial wipes at school, that hotbed of disease...har har har

"My kid DOES watch a little TV in the morning while eating his breakfast after dressing, pjs in hamper, hair and teeth brushed and so on. It's not a right, it's a privelege."

DITTO. My kids also sometimes watch a bit of tv in the mornings. They generally wake up around 6:45 AM. SS especially will either watch tv or play his Wii because he doesn't leave for school until 8:20 AM. (I have to leave with DD at 7:40 b/c her school starts at 8:00AM.)

Anyway, the hard and fast rule is that they must be ALL READY FOR SCHOOL before the tv or Wii can go on. This means---they must eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, and have their backpacks zipped and ready to go.

DD generally does all this within 30 mins and is ready around 7:15 AM. Same with SS. Sometimes they will go in the basement and play the Wii for awhile, sometimes DD will watch cartoons, sometimes they BOTH will watch cartoons.

And it IS a privilege. If DH or I catch either of them watching tv or playign video games without being fully ready for school, the tv/game goes off.

And we wash hands a lot too! The kids know to go STRAIGHT to the bathroom after school to scrub up :) We are less strict about washing before dinnner, but if they've been playing outside (which lately, given the warmer weather, they have been), they must wash their hands when they come inside.

Thank you Love and LAmom, I feel better! When I said "we" never turn the TV on in the mornings I meant me and my DH. DD will, after teeth brushed and dressed and her breakfast dishes are put by the sink and her room is straightened and she is ready for school (that means backpack, jacket, shoes by the door), she may turn on the tv...sometimes. Or she can play in her room.

Is that a lot for a 7yr old to do in the mornings? Sure! Does she have time? Yes! I was raised without television (didn't have one, none of our friends had one, I didn't see MTV until I was in college) and I can't say I'm more or less intelligent than the rest of my peers. I didn't own my own tv until after I had DD. I've experienced the "no TV" lifestyle and I prefer for my child to be able to partake, in moderation. I had other addictions as a child, mainly my books, and I had them taken away from me when I was out of line. I was raised both completely hands-off and by a strict militant. I try to "middle-road" my parenting. Doesn't always work :)

I too take away toys and make them "mine". Taking away the 10-min of Batman sounds like a totally reasonable consequence to me. It's immediate, it's directly related and it has impact. And, I may be overstepping but "I don't remember" sounds an awful lot like "I forget what half is".

So, FD, it sounds like, in your house, a direct consequence for leaving dishes on the table would be that there would not be a place to eat because the table would get full. It seems to me this would take a few meals before it would occur. I can see how this would work. A person would see that if they did not pick up their dishes they would not have a clean place to eat. But what about everyone else in the family? Do they have to look at gross cereal bowls while they are eating?

I can see how this may work in a household, but that just isn't how I was raised. Growing up in the tropics, you put your dirty dishes away immediately unless you want to have giant cockroaches swimming in your bowl. It's a personal preference of mine to have a clear table when we are not eating so it can be used for other things.

If I were to attach a direct consequence to not clearing off the table it would probably be that the time for doing fun stuff would be reduced or eliminated.

lighten up silverswood, of course dishes go in the dishwasher in my house, I emphasize that in my household everything needed to be put away fast because there is just no place for anything to be left nowhere. Maybe in larger houses people have plenty of counters to leave stuff on, we didn't. As about no place to sit on I put LOL after it assuming it is clear I am joking. LOL again.

I think it is important to explain things to children. If they know dishes left out will get bugs in the house it will be easier to accomplish what you want. if they just do it so they don't get grounded, I don't know...It doesn't work in a long run.

What i do not understand is what consequences you were talking about. We all just help each other, if someone forgets to do something we remind each other or even do it for each other, why consequences? Not like i am running a boot-camp.

I had a habit of leaving lights on, i got much better though. Since DD was little she would tell me how i damage environment by leaving lights on and she would turn it off after me and give me a speech. She was like 4 years old. It doesn't matter adults or children. We just do things for each other, like reminding or explaining or sometimes doing stuff for each other. Hey DD you forgot to put this bowl away. Mom, you left lights out. I don't think it is that hard...

On the other hand if a child is engaged in criminal activity or flunks out of school or does drugs, it is a very different story but it is not what we are talking about here...hopefully

Ok, I probably do need to lighten up. I feel a little attacked ;)

I DO explain my bug reasoning (on the dishes). By consequences, I mean if there are rules in the house, like taking the dish up or whatever, and other people in the house do not follow those rules, what is the consequence? I have tried talking, talking, talking, explaining (because I hate to yell and I very rarely need to) but when you're just NOT GETTING THROUGH... what is the consequence?

DD tells me the same thing (you left your light on, you're talking with your mouth full) whatever I've told her I hear back like a little parrot.

It's SILLY, I know... but when it's deliberate... then what?

well, it is impossible to explain anything here, it would be so much easier to talk in person. DD told me to turn off the lights not to be a parrot but because that was important for her. It was not silly, she was/is concerned/obsessed with environment. I told that story to show that we just did things for each other, whatever we found important. maybe I picked her bowl up for her and she turned my lights off since she was a young child. I had a completely different agenda in telling that story. Oh..internet..

as about consequences, I know what you are saying, some things worked some didn't. DD was not allowed to make a mess in a living room or a kitchen and she did not. But she kept her room very messy and i just gave up and closed the door LOL

I still have her room in the house, but it is clean because she doesn't live here anymore. Your kid will grow up and leave maybe far away from home and it won't matter if she had that half pack of cocoa or if she put a bowl away and even if she washed her hands. It is important to teach them values and educate them. But some stuff is just not worth it, it is just not important enough for me.

They won't be children forever.

I am OK person so is my brother. My mom never worried about consequences, she is just not the type, but we turned out OK. I think it is doable.

ok, maybe parrot was the wrong idea. DD tells me similar things but I think it's more she's heard that it's important to me and adopted it as her own. IDK. I pick up my DD's bowl too. I'm not the bowl nazi.

But when it piles up... when it's apparent it's MORE than the bowl or the lights or the damn cocoa... then what? When you can tell it's possibly the S-family b-s and don't know how to handle the situation, want to back up the DH but probably wouldn't have picked THAT particular battle.. then what?

"But when it piles up... when it's apparent it's MORE than the bowl or the lights or the damn cocoa... then what? When you can tell it's possibly the S-family b-s and don't know how to handle the situation, want to back up the DH but probably wouldn't have picked THAT particular battle.. then what?"

You pick and choose. I think we all know where you're coming from here, SS. I don't think you're wrong or that you're totally bizarre. And yes, things look different in black/white.

BUT, is something like half packets of cocoa things you really want to fight over? On your weekends, etc?

I get that you want to back your DH up and I agree with that. BUT, is it possible that you are overcompensating for how you parented before? (I'm not saying you're wrong, either way) I do think when people make drastic changes they have trouble finding a balance and that is what I read from a lot of what you posted in this thread.

And I think you've said before that your DH sees his daughter eow or sporadically due to the distance, correct me if I'm wrong. But is it possibly that some of his expectations are unrealistic? Not just due to not living very much with a child before but also with your daughters own distinct personality? There are people who are ok with those kind of expectations but other people it places a great amount of stress on to them. The "MORE" stuff may have something to do with that.

Possibly Nivea. I've definitely had to make a shift because what I was doing in the past wasn't working. I know what you mean about over correcting.

I don't want to pick cocoa battles. But once it's all in motion, it's better (I think) to back your spouse up with the rule they set and then talk about it later.

DH had a much stricter life than I did. His whole family has a really set way of doing things that I both admire and laugh at on occasion. It works for them, but I wouldn't want to be that uptight in my own home.

DH's expectations may be a little unrealistic, we've touched on that before. But I've noticed time and again that if I don't stand my ground my little angel will walk all over me, and the issues get bigger than hot cocoa.

I'm a little sensitive right now too with all that's been going on in my area. We've had two girls kidnapped, raped, and killed very near to my home. I'm stressing the trust issue because I really need to trust that DD is going to do what she says she will do. I'm sure a lot of this is just reaction to my current environment. I feel pretty helpless.

It's hard to blend a family. I feel caught in the middle a lot. I think a lot of this too has to do with DD's bio-dad, he really doesn't (or didn't) pay attention to parenting and for a while was just letting her run wild. He's come around and actually asks what my rules are and how to maintain them when she's at his house because he's noticed it works better. She's really quite smart and able to manipulate the situation to her liking. It helps to be a tiny thing with curls and big eyes, lol.

And I think I'm headed in the right direction. Everyone always comments on how well-behaved she is, how wonderful it is that I've managed, we've managed, to nurture her as a little girl rather than as a "pre-tween" as so many of her class mates are already. She really is as a 7yr old should be.

"But once it's all in motion, it's better (I think) to back your spouse up with the rule they set and then talk about it later."

I 100% agree with this. Children should never see or sense that there is a division or difference of opinion when it comes to parenting decisions. It is so important that they see a parental unit.

I know some may disagree with this in stepfamilies and I do think it depends on the situation at hand, custody schedule, etc. I can say for OUR family, with two children the same age, a SS who is with us 50% of the time and a DD who is with us 100% of the time, we HAVE to have equal authority. It just DOES NOT work for DH to trump me over SS or for me to trump DH with DD. I realize this might not work for every situation but it does for us. It is actually detrimenta when we kep everything separate and divided.

I think Silver, your situation is somewhat similar in that your DD lives primarily with you and DH, correct? So she does need to respect your DH as a parental figure. And you do need to back him up in front of her, which is the WHOLE POINT of this thread. And which it sounds like you do.

This is not to say that there aren't conflicts between you and DH. My DH and I have them, as well. But we, like you guys, make every effort to address those conflicts when the kids aren't around. We show a united fron TO THEM and then address issues together in private.

Don't apologize for your parenting. Some people choose to be more laissez-faire, some people are stricter, and I think MOST OF US try to be somewhere in the middle; but whatever we choose is a personal choice. We all pick and choose what's important to us. No one knows your situation or your DD better than you and it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job with her. I feel badly for you that you're feeling like you have to defend your parenting choices.

Love, I have primary physical and legal custody. She's with me 99% of the time. And, I'm married to DH, so yes, he's her "dad" in every sense of the word. They have a pretty good relationship, he doesn't try to take the place of her bio-dad, he and bio talk on the phone in front of her on occasion, so she sees that we are all in this together.

Thank you for seeing the point I was trying to make. I have to back him up, it was a SILLY circumstance, one I would not have picked personally but once it's going on... well. lol. I was more irritated that he picked the battle and then abandoned me to try to make the point, something I was floundering on. I think it's hard enough to stick to your guns when you initiate the battle, let alone take up for someone else barely knowing the terms of engagement!

BTW, no one in "real life" knows this is such a big issue. They've moved on, (literally within hours) and I'm still here days later hashing it out! One thing we talked about with DD is "play-acting" through the situation next time so she can practice asking for what she wants, or dealing with whatever was going on with her in the 1-3 minutes between "sure, but only half" and the entire packet being poured in the cup.

DH and I have equal authority, but I have final say, just like with his daughter (the girls don't know that, and often we will defer to the other just so they see that they can't play the mommy/daddy card). It's hard for me cause I think I know best. But I've come to realize his input has value too and trusting that he's trying hard to do what's good for her.

Even without the mixed family of kids, crazy ex's, drug-abusing bio parents, selfish step parents (or vice versa), living with a good man, with life going good, being a mom married to a step parent is hard. Being a stepmom married to a bio dad is hard. Being the mother of a kid with a step parent is hard!!! And being an adult with step-parents is hard. I'm still having step-mother issues and I've been out of the house over 20 years!!!

heck... being a parent is hard.

"heck... being a parent is hard."

Amen to that!

I suspect that the issue is with your DH wanting things certain way and maybe overdoing it?

how often does he see his daughter? if not often then could it be he mises her and gets it out on your daughter?

also your DD is 99% with you. it is what, she sees her dad 3.7 days a year? i am still guessting what is true problem here..

com'n she is only 7. if you think it is hard then just wait, you don't know what is ahead of you. I am not even talking about major issues.

lol. perhaps I exaggerated. She's with me most of the time. She sees her dad at every opportunity, he comes out here, she goes there. They talk for hours several times a week.

I don't think my DH is taking anything out on my DD. He's exactly the same with his DD. But yes, he does overdo things sometimes, as I do. And, my DD pushes the envelope every chance she gets to see how far she can go. It's a combination of factors.

Yes, it is hard. And no, I don't know what is ahead of me. That's why it's super easy for people to sit from the place of experience and act like a know-it-all once they've already been through something.

I can't wait. Time waits for no one. I'm doing my best, and making my mistakes. I'm grateful for all the constructive advice I receive along the way.

I do not anticipate any problems for you at all. it just seems that 7-year-old girl (unless there are medical issues involved), the only child, is easy to manage. I was surprised you find it hard.

I understand you don't like my advice, but frankly it is simple, don't sweat the small stuff, not worth it. DD is only pushing because adults push her, she has nothing else to do but push back.

I still think your DH is a bit of a problem here and maybe he needs to get more busy with his own DD while you discipline (hate this word) your DD. I don't think he needs to be doing it. But it is just my opinion. take it or leave it.

LOL. I do find it hard! It's also extremely rewarding and fun and exciting and and and...

Your advice is fine. Our opinion on what is small stuff just differs, that's all. I read more into it because I have the full backstory and you don't. :) What I don't like is what I feel is a smug undertone to your messages. "it just seems that 7-year-old girl (unless there are medical issues involved), the only child, is easy to manage. I was surprised you find it hard." I do find it hard. I find it tiring. You have no idea what my personal life is like, what my medical conditions are, what my schedule or work or anything are like but you assume that as long as the kid is healthy, it's easy? LOL.

DH is the problem in this situation. I stated that. Several times. Anyone else miss that memo? "Do I get the lamp? I just want to throw something at him!!!" LMAO

And, he's not the problem. I'm the problem, because I didn't know how to effectively handle the situation in the moment. And DD is the problem, because she pushes the envelope. We're all the problem! And there is no problem. It was over minutes after it started.

Oh I don't have smug attitude, you can only explain that much on this forum. I don't think my parenting is better at all. My parenting was criticized and reprimanded on this forum plenty of times, once I was told that it is bad parenting on my part that DD didn't do her laundry when she was 6. LOL No she didn't. I don't know anyone who does BTW. and she supposed to pay her own college tuition. LOL Everything is relative, we all get criticized.

I think your DH's approach/attitude is a problem in general not only in cocoa package situation. The very minute you said he asked where the half a pack is I knew he is the problem, not DD. can't fix adults though.

FD, I would have asked where it was too. Maybe we're just anal. I don't know. I remember stuff like that.

My DD did her own laundry at 5. (well, she sorts, folds, and puts away, she's too short to reach the washer.) Once she grows a little she'll be doing dishes and sweeping too. She also vacuums her room (we have a little vacuum just for her and she loves to do it) and takes out the trash from the bedrooms and bathrooms. Her bed is made in the mornings. Her towel is hung up after her bath. Yes, I did have to work on these things, but now it's second nature for her. When I was a kid I did much harder chores... as far as I'm concerned my DD has it easy.

And I see no problem with a child paying for their own college tuition. Every situation is different.

I think for you to judge my DH over one instance is laughable. And I disagree, adults can be fixed. We are constantly trying to make ourselves better, discussing better ways to handle things, trying new ways to make things work.

Maybe that's why I consider it hard. I'm really really trying, not just breezing through it all with a laissez-faire attitude.

Different strokes and all...

"Maybe that's why I consider it hard. I'm really really trying, not just breezing through it all with a laissez-faire attitude."

I can relate. I really try to make conscious choices and decisions in parenting. And there are many times I feel like I need to change a certain approach or attitude, etc.

DH and I have had to ask friends and family to write personal references for us for our adoption. I asked the headmaster at my DD's school to write one and he wrote a fabulous one. I was so touched by the kind and positive things he had tp say about us. One of the comments that stood out to me was how DH and I are always trying to grow and mature as parents. I am pretty friendly with the head of school, as he is also a parent of a child in DD's class; we often talk/email about parenting/families. He said that it is clear from conversations he's had with both me and my DH that we both are constantly evolving and seeking to mature as parents.

I was really happy and humbled that he would recognize that because it is something I feel we strive to do.

Wow, that sounds like a great reference. How wonderful to get back such positive feedback and really feel recognized for the efforts you are putting out.

good luck with adoption, lovehadley. what a great thing, glad you got that reference. wish we can write you a reference too. :) from GW stepfamily forum :)

Thanks :)

My point was not to pat myself on the back, but to say that parenting (IMO) is something that we should always be working at improving, changing, and re-evalutating. That is why I agreed with you, Silver, that it IS hard.

No, I didn't get that you were patting yourself on the back at all. I wanted to pat you on the back!!

I'm genuinely happy that you got recognized for your efforts. Rarely are parents recognized unless the kid does something wrong. And thank you, I needed to hear someone else found parenting to be "hard work".

SS, I find it extremely hard. I just don't say much about it here. Mary's first post above describes a lot of how I feel. And especially when DD was younger. There are so many things you're supposed to be doing to be the best parent, I just think it's overwhelming. I think there's so much competition not just for the children, but for the parents, to get your kid into the right schools, to have the best/appropriate clothes, to do the right sports, to volunteer for the best organizations, have a certain standard behavior instilled by *this* age.

I was overwhelmed when I had DD and I still get that way. I have always had a hard time balancing work and spending time with DD. I feel guilty a lot. But who else is going to put bacon on the table?

Bottom line, I can't do it all and I can't be all. Sometimes DD goes to bed without brushing her teeth, sometimes she eats MickeyD's twice in a weekend. I know I'm not the best parent, I do things cause they are easier sometimes and I feel tremendous guilt at other times for not being the perfect parent. But you know what, that's just how I cope with it all and no one is perfect. I think you do a fine job and I'm sorry for laughing above, I didn't realize this was a little deeper than what you had originally posted. I think you should let up on yourself some.

I did feel guilty all the time, i still do, i hear you nivea, i regret at times i worked too much and was not there. i still feel guilty if i don't help DD etc. i think it is normal, i feel guilty for not being perfect. at times i can't believe i said or did something. DD once told me that she asked me for cookies and I told her she gained too much weight and shouldn't eat cookies. i don't remember saying it but i believe her i said it because she have a tendency to gain weight, it made me phsycially sick that I was that stupid. we all make mistakes though.

then i look at some crazy parents, and I feel better. LOL DD once said "mom, thanks for not being crazy mother like Suzie's mother". LOL you are welcome.

I can't believe this was only 2 years ago. Today I saw the not drunk glass of hot cocoa and laughed

DD doesn't like it, obviously. She likes the IDEA of hot cocoa, but not to drink it. Now that DH and I are separated... I couldn't care less. .25 for her to feel happy about making some chocolate in water.... who cares if she drinks it.

Much ado about nothing...

SS and everyone else who responded, thanks for taking the time to give your opinions and perspectives. I started out in the "who cares, it's only a packet of h/chocolate" camp, but then came to the realization that it's the other side I am on, and I so want to learn more (about lying).

SS, special thanks for providing your most recent post. So ironic, yet what you taught your mini silver two years ago - so valuable.