Need Help Adjusting

19 years ago

I am sure many of you have gone through similiar situations. So please give me advice on how to deal with this. I am new to the stepmother role and quite frankly did not expect anything like what I am living in. For some delirious reason I thought I would be a welcome addition, that I could be a postitive influence, not necessarily a "mother" but a close female adult that they could turn to. WRONG!!!!!! What I have are two children who sneak, manipulate, smart mouth me, and act oh, so sweet to their father and everyone else. For months my personal things have gone missing (only to reappear weeks later), money has been taken, and cabinet reaaranged. And the mystery of it all is no one knows "How that could happen". I have tried to tell my husband that his daughter is behind it and he refuse to see or believe it (even when confronted with it). His children are NOT deceitful and he can't believe I would think an innocent child would connive to manipulate him that way. In front of everyone they are all sweet and adorable. The sad part of the situation is I am losing respect for my husband and getting to where I don't want to come home after work. Does anyone have any advice on how to rectify this situation?

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Comments (6)

jenny_alabama
19 years ago
very-tired, I know exactly what you are going through!! I also had the same idea as you...I was married 4 years ago and I have a daughter (11), my stepkids are 15 and 24. My stepson started stealing from my daughter and me (around $500), stealing CD's, DVD's, just anything he could get his hands on. (and of course a wonderful liar). Now that he is 15 - he has become even more manipulative. He has threatened my daughter and myself with horrific things. As well as giving me the "finger" - when he is alone with me he gives me evil looks and the finger, and JUST as soon as his dad walks in - he is so sweet and comes to hug me and pretend he cares...this makes me so disgusted! My husband never saw these things of course...I would talk to him and he would confront him and get onto him...of course not to the extent I thought he should because it continued. He finally was caught doing some of these things. Well he is not visiting us anymore due to the threats. I told my husband I would move out for awhile until he could get it under control - I did not give him an ultimatum. My husband did not want that and he took control and gave the SON an ultimatum....he does not have much of a relationship with him right now...but like I have said before and will say again....some things just call for "tough love". These kids know what they are doing and if you and your husband do not stop it - it will destroy your marriage. Some people are going to tell you to give them a little more understanding than you would your own children, some will tell you that the kids were there first, all of this to me is nonsense. I have tried over and over and over, I just looked like an idiot!!!! You are the adult and you have decided to make a new family with your husband and his kids...and those kids should respect you. Maybe you should sit down with your husband and stepkids and confront them in front of your husband and ask the kids "what are we going to do about this"? Put it ALL on the table. Do not let them destroy what you are trying to build. My daughter has a stepmom and a stepdad...she is respectful and wonderful and loves them both equally!!! Is there an ex that is causing these problems? I pray that everything works out....but please sit down with your husband and stepkids and confront your issues - your husband will see the truth. Or do what some people have done....record the "smart mouth, money taking, and manipulation!!)
sarahl
19 years ago
Dear Very tired,
Do the children live with you? I am assuming so since you don't want to come home from work. Oh do I remember that feeling.
I got to the point where I just had to let go.
Put my things away safe.
Tell him to ask his dad, not me, for anything.
If he needed rescuing or whatever - leave it for his dad.
I just got too mad and resentful if I stayed involved.
The hatred was the hardest to bear. If he wanted something it was "Mommy", still is when he wants a plane ticket home. But if you cross him there is hell to pay. Dad even let him blast me when he felt like it. Oh it was something about getting things out in the open or whatever.
It is a pile of crap when a parent lets a kid behave disrespectfully to an adult and condone it for whatever excuses. They grow up to be disrespectful to teachers, employers, the authorities, anyone who tells them no or crosses them. The rules don't apply to them because daddy said there were no consequences. And we wonder where all these dummies in jail come from. Or the losers on welfare or don't move out because they can't keep a job.
The biggest issue I have with my husband is our differences in parenting. The teachers at school, friends and acquaintances all see it. 2 sets of rules and expectations. My kids do too. How come they get to do that and we don't. I just tell them I won't lower my standards for them and their step dad won't raise his for his kids. Sorry - I won't dumb you down. That isn't fair to you.
When you have kids together you set up your parenting plan and learn as you go along and there isn't all the bickering that's not fair crap. In a step situation you really have to be on the same page or you get the disaster you have. Step dads for some reason have this guilt for the destroyed bio family. They are protective to the point of being defensive of even the unacceptable. If you had a niece come visit and she behaved the way your stepdaughter is, he would be appalled. How can you not see what she is doing. But he looks the other way on his 2 kids.
Step back, get out of the parenting and discipline. Let him deal with them 24/7. Let him find out on his own what they are doing. The more you let go, the sooner he will have the opportunity to see things for himself.
It is frustrating, it is hurtful, you know that what is going on is not in their best interests. But until he sees it - you're screwed. And talking til you're blue in the face.
They will eventually be found out on their own. That will happen. Maybe the school will let him know, maybe the police, maybe a doctor. There is a lot of trouble kids with that attitude can get themselves into. If you aren't involved - you can't be blamed.
Maybe he will step up and deal with them when he has to and you will respect him again.
Take the long way home for a while - gas prices are down. Who knows what you will discover on your adventures. Hopefully at least your sanity.
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So you have a real lot going on. Not just in your family, but in your own personal life. As far as making the first move with communication with your step daughters, that's not so uncommon. My father and brother had not spoken in a year. Not becuase of a fight, but because my father did not pick up the phone to call him. Now, my brother didn't either, but he's never been one to do that anyway. So, knowing that, I told my father that if he wanted a relationship, he'd have to make the effort. He's the father. I'm sure that from his point of view, my brother should have picked up the phone, and I understand that, but a year went by, and it didn't happen. My brother did email him, but his wife deleted the emails. Actually, my fathers wife actually fed this problem, but telling my father that he should be mad, that my brother should call him, etc. I spoke with them, and told that the phone works both ways. Sometimes as a parent, you have to be the bigger person. I know it's long winded, but you get what I'm saying. Like any other relationship, you may have to give to them (calling, emailing) more than you get. That would be a good first step. Disengaging on certain things is fine, but overall, it can leave a hole in your relationship with your DH and his children. His children are a huge part of his life. To have that open hole will create issues. To answer your question: So do I just suck it up, get involved where he wants me to and go ahead and make contact with them? The answer is yes. (in my opinion) I think you have nothing to lose here. They are not drug abusers or addicts, they are just self centered children who have some growing up to do. If you play on their team, and with their Dad, you can have that family that you want. It will take some time, but since they are just really immature and sound as though they are rude, that can change over time. You also wrote: I guess my insecurities from my prior marriage and being left raising a seven month old by myself is the basis for all of this. I'm not sure how it ties in. Are you afraid that you will lose your DH to his children? If you think that ties in, then I would suggest you keep that in the front of your mind when you are having a moment of insecurity. His daughters are not a threat to you at all. You are his wife, and they are his children. Keep reminding yourself of that. This is something that you will have to work on yourself. If you don't, his children will pick up on that, and resent you. It will become a tug of war between you and his girls, and that's not a fair fight. They need their Dad in their life, and over time, if you can foster that relationship, you will all be much happier. I can tell you first hand that if you show hostility or insecurity toward his girls, they will feel it, and end up resenting you. I went through that with my own father and his wife. His wife just doesn't want any of his children around. It makes her feel threatened for some reason. In the end, it really hurt the relationship with my father and I, and caused a lot of pain. That is something that I'll never get back. Have you ever heard the phrase "fake it til you make it"? That's a good place to start. If you can put it into words, I'd be curious to know what it is about his relationship with his daughters makes you feel insecure. I think that may be the key to you having more harmony in your life.
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jerseystepmom
19 years ago
I agree with everything said here! Bottom line is that you and your husband MUST agree or your marriage will be destroyed. You must agree on the fact that these things are happening and how to deal with them. When my SD was stealing from me, my husband confronted her and she cried and was all "no daddy, I would never do that" He was emphatic with me that there was NO way she took that necklace, "you didn't see her -- she was crying and so upset that I accused her...." blah blah -- then he went out to her car and found the necklace in question sitting on her gear shift; when he confronted her she said "oh THAT necklace." That was all he needed to understand that she was quite the liar/manipulator/thief! We took a tough love approach and so she won't have anything to do with us. Great, no liar/thief in my house or to influence her younger brother. Problem we face is that our tough love is met by her mother with "I'm so proud of you; you are so wonderful" and excuse after excuse as to why she: got fired; got a D in a college class; "borrowed" my things, etc. etc. When the kid knows they can be bad and get away with it (or worse, have a safe place to run from the parenting), they will do it. And as someone else said, your husband isn't doing the kid any favors by allowing that behavior because as my SD is finding out -- people in the "real world" don't make excuses for everything she does, or still want to be around her when she lies -- or worse.

Talk to your husband and maybe even see a therapist. Maybe coming from someone else he will "hear" it better. He does need to know that you are serious (I told my husband that I was not going to live like that and if his son came back after summer camp with the attitude he had before -- which resembled his sister's spoiled entitled attitude -- that I would live at our shore house and visit my husband when there are no kids around. The alternative was that I would continue to resent him and his kids and we'd end up hating each other and divorcing! Thank God.....it wasn't necessary. I think his son saw that we were not kidding with the daughter and that he DID have to live by our rules if he wanted to stay here (he surely didn't want to go live with his mother because while she is fun, she is thorougly unreliable, emotional, etc. etc.

Good luck, I'm so sorry that you (we) have to go through this....but, who knew?!!!!!!
coolmama
19 years ago
Get a big box that has a lock on it and store all your things in there. Make sure that only you have the key or combination. When your "things" dont show up missing anymore,you'll know you were right that your step daughter was taking them.

Sorry you are finding it so hard to be a step mom.Alot of people do,and sometimes have unrealistic expectations. Doesnt sound like yours were too off...unforuntely,Sometimes not everyone is on the same page.
My one step daughter was 14,and going to move in with us. I imagined me taking her to do "girly" things with me like getting our nails done.Her helping prepare dinner with me. Being kind and a role model to my 8 year old daughter...
HA!!!
She acted younger then my own daughter! She ran through stores like a two year old,made faces and stuck her tounge out alot,refused to clean up after herself~let alone help me with anything.Was rude and disrespectful to family and friends who came by.
Just nothing at all like I had hoped. I ended up having to treat her and care for her like I would a 4 year old.
BUt I was willing to over look all that stuff.I mean,no one's perfect.
I decided when I'd had enough I'd just take off for a while after my husband got home from work.I could blow off some steam if it was a bad day,and let him deal with it.

Hopefully you arent stuck at home with your step child (ren)
all day.That can certainly add to tension. I often thought If my step child,my daughter and I werent forced to be alone together every day for 8-10 hours a day (summer) then there wouldnt have been so much hostility.Unfortuantely,many people dont have the option of not being stuck together.

I can understand your frustration with your husband though.
Your husband is your partner,they are with you on all other topics,and when they arent with you on this it feels like betrayal.
My only advice is to pick your battles. Try not to be so involved.If you have to,put some space between yourself and the situation. (not saying leave your husband,but just have a life of your own.Get out with family and friends more.Go to a gym or a movie.Stake out your time so that it doesnt drive you completely crazy)
very-tired
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you all for your advice and understanding what I am going through, There are times I feel like the only person going through this and it is very hard. I have decided to take a step back and let him be "father" because as some of you have said our parenting styles are very different. The constant day to day tension is the hardest part of all. I am at the end of my rope. It's either step back or run for the door. And I definately don't want to leave my husband. Does peace come with stepping back and letting him do it all?
sarahl
19 years ago
Dear Very Tired,
It will be like the eye of the storm for a while. He will be smack in the middle of it with her and you will be watching from the outside. Then as everything becomes clear to him - the thunder and lightening will commence. If I were you, I would lay low while all this is happening. Keep yourself busy and out of the picture so you stay uninvolved. Keep your focus on yourself. Be supportive if he specifically asks for it. But mind your own business - isn't that pretty much what he has told you to do anyway? In all honesty it will be like biting your tongue - but that is why I am suggesting keeping busy.
It can't get any worse for you and it will have to get worse before it gets better for he and his daughter.
You can't fix it, you can't change it - so let go and let God. That is how I look at it.

Need Help Adjusting

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