I would tell your dh to go to the meeting with the teacher without exwife, at least he will be able to discuss their school issues with the teacher. Maybe you can find a lawyer with a free consultation and get some free advice on what you can do. As far as visitation I think you could take her to court without a lawyer and a judge would side with you. I am not sure if this is an option for you, but next time she denies visitation that is in the court papers call the local police department in the town she lives in. They can't force her to allow visitation, but at least you will have documentation of her denying it. Maybe just doing that will prompt her into allowing court ordered visitation.

If he has joint legal custody, can't he schedule a conference with the teacher himself. She's avoiding him because she's on the defensive. It's hard to deny something that is on paper from an outside source. (that the kids are not doing well in school). He should put all correspondence in writing and keep a journal of everything, including all conversations. There's not much he can do. He could ask to go back to mediation and usually that may require filing court papers to 'force' her unless the order says the parties have to attend mediation if there is a disagreement (my DH's order said that at one time), but what is mediation going to do? Is he wanting custody? It is frustrating, but you can't control what BM does in her home. He could get more involved and maybe call the kids during the week and ask them how they are doing in school and if their homework is done. He could keep in contact with the school & have them bring their work to his house and make sure they are doing it, and understanding it. It's not fun, but if he's concerned about it, he needs to do something. He can't 'make' her do anything.

We have done all of the above... but, when the kid are at her house most of the nights and he asks if the homework is done and they say yes... when infact it is not there is not much he can do. When they were/are on occasion... at our house we check the homework and I usually sat down with the oldest and made sure it was done right. To add insult to injury the oldest was just put on special standards so his grades that were a's and b's for the first time ever on reg standards... dropped down to c's and d's on special standards (this gives them a curve and his grades should have gotten better)

He doesnt know what to do... he is frustrated and worried about his kids.. money is a huge obstacle especially with her recently having cs deducted from his paycheck which between that and insurance that he has to have on the kids... leaves a whopping 100.00 left of his paycheck after 2 weeks...if we are lucky.

It does say in the divorce decree that any disagreements should be settled by a mediator.

What is the custody agreement in the court papers? How did he end up with custody for those 2 years?

When my sons were in middle school, I used to have them bring home a slip every Friday that each teacher signed with their progress. Perhaps if he has them on weekends, he could get a weekly progress report and give them consequences for bad reports, rewards for good ones. If she isn't allowing visitation per the order, he could research options like filing a contempt or disobeying a court order to force her to obey the order. He can't force her to improve their grades. He'll need to first figure out whether the problem is with her or the kids. I'm not sure how old they are but at 8-10, they are old enough to take on some of the personal responsibility for themselves. If they are saying the work is done but it isn't, there should be a consequence for lying & not doing the work.

the kids wanted to stay with him. She said okay... and then proceeded to be virtually nonexistant for the next two years. We couldnt even get her to meet us to take sd to school when his car broke down. She would NEVER call the kids or call them back and RARELY had them for the entire weekend eow... which when they came to live with us she wanted them every weekend or so she said. the kids were doing terribly in school and in a bad school. I (more than anything else) got them into a better school and proceeded to bust hump to work with them to bring the grades up and did it ... not to mention got them into sports etc

This all changed when she hooked up with her guy.. all of a sudden she wanted the kids to go back with her and since they had always talked about just letting the kids do one year here one year there DH agreed (even though that never happened in the past because she didnt want them back)... then very shortly after they moved in with her..oh about a month she filed to have child support taken out of DH's check... and then told the kids that they wouldnt be living with us next school year and started the interuption of visitation etc. Anyways... it seems to me that since her new guy is paying out a bunch of cs (4 kids two different babies mommas) and we happen to know he is more than 5000.00 in back child support this whole deal was and is about money.

The actual divorce decree says she is cp with him having visitation not limited to eow and one week day. But, it specifically says he can have them any other time that doesnt interfer with plans already made... It also says that he has joint legal custody so she can't really make any decisions without consulting him and if there is a disagreement that they must go to a mediator to work out the disagreement and the mediators decision is final...or something to that extent.

I agree Ima... the only problem is... is that the only consequence they get is from us. We find out about it they spend the weekend being punished go back to moms...all fun and games... same scenerio over and over again. Now, it seems that the only time we have with the kids is spent punishing them or redoing homework or doing it in the first place... instead of doing anything with the family or anything else... it is all becoming so ridiculous. I just wish there was like someone else that could tell these two (well mostly her but Dh losing his temper every time she pushes him doesnt help either) to get over themselves and be grown ups...

the county I live in offers free mediation for family law issues. Call the Dept. of Human Services in your county and see what they offer. You are lucky that the mediation is written in your decree - she can be found in contempt if she refuses to go. Start (if you haven't already) documenting and timelining everything - go back as far as you can - and get any supporting documentation; report cards, notes from teachers, etc. Note every attemoted phone call, every unreturned message, etc. Put all corrispondence in writing and keep it as unemotional on your part as you can - the focus is on the kids not your feelings.

I know what you mean about always being the heavy - it can be very hard. You really can't make her a better parent (I know, I've tried!) and can't make her see the error in her ways. The only recourse you have is with your actions and the legal system. Use them both to your full advantage.

Another thought - can you get them gmail accounts (if they don't already have them)? Maybe you could have better luck contacting them that way, and sometimes kids will say things on email they won't in person or on the phone . . . things that can be helpful to your cause . . . .

they have email accounts but ever since I sent them some christmas cards via email she has not let them check their email account for one reason or another.... it is always something.

I will contact the department of human services though... we definately need something.

Mo4-- It sounds like your CO almost needs to spell out designated visitation times so that BM cannot use seeing the kids as manipulation schemes. As a police officer, I know that if a court order exists that clearly defines Mom's time and Dad's time, then police can intervene. If there is no order or if the order does not clearly define the times, then police cannot do anything but document the differing opinions of the parents. You can never take too many notes...I tell my DH this all the time. :) Custodial issues are civil UNLESS the disputes violate a CO, which then turns criminal. In my state, the charge is 'Custodial Interference" which is a felony. Usually explaining to parents that interfering with a CO is serious, felony serious, they back off and do the right thing. Key word...USUALLY.

Rachael, I had a case last week to serve a Summons & Petition to establish parental relationship on an 18 year old girl. She had a baby three months ago and didn't put the baby's father's name on the birth certificate. She has a new BF and wanted to leave the state w/ her BF. The baby's father found out and filed a petition to establish him as the father and wanted his name put on the birth certificate. I was hired after several 'friends' had tried to serve her the summons(which included a standard restraining order that prevented her from leaving the state). The girl was living with her parents and they were keeping her from being served.

when I went to her house, the step-dad came out and told me she moved out of state already. Of course, I didn't believe him. When I showed him my identification, he admitted she hadn't left the state but was not home. I tried to persuade him to have his daughter get the papers. He told me that he didn't approve of the baby's father and her new BF was better. I did tell him that if she leaves the state, she could be charged with parental kidnapping or it could be used against her in a custody case that she's trying to flee the state when the other parent objects. (I was trying to scare him, I don't know if she would be charged but I gave him something to think about, hoping he would convince her to accept the papers.) The next day, her mom said she wasn't taking the papers and she intended to leave the state. So, I served her by giving the papers to her mom on her behalf. They tried to return the papers to me but it was a proper service. The reason I had hoped she would take the papers is because when I substitute serve someone (which is what I did by serving through her mom), I always make a sworn statement of my efforts to personally serve. That declaration becomes a part of the case file and the Judge will see it. Since she was adamant to leave the state with her child, there is now a declaration in the file that says she was avoiding service, trying to leave the state with her child, the father's statement that they didn't approve of the baby's father and that they were assisting her in leaving. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would serve her one way or another. I gave up trying personal service when her mom told me she won't take it and when I got there, they had a U-haul truck. I had even told her step-dad that I would submit a declaration of all this unless she took the papers. Unfortunately, now whenever this girl goes to court, she already has a strike against her. This guy may be as terrible as her step-dad says he is (he said he does drugs, doesn't work or pay support and is a bum) I told him that if he was really that terrible, the court might give her permission to move, but she should stay and get an order set in place first. Oh well, you just can't make people do the right thing... 'you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink'

gee, that sounds like legal advice..

What part do you mean? Some of it kinda does look like legal advice, doesn't it? But, I did tell him several times when I was talking that I'm not a lawyer and I am only speculating on possible scenarios. I was hoping to scare him into complying. It didn't work. and I don't know what the consequence will be for her.

It was definitely advice. There isn't a lot of legal basis for it, I was really trying to help the girl. As a mom that had my son at 17 and didn't think his father should have any rights because of his lifestyle, I learned the hard way that the courts don't care about his lifestyle (or mine), they care only about the child's life. The child's right to have both parents and I knew that if the mother fled the state, it could be used against her. And it may because the child's father called me today and told me she went ahead and left the state after she was served. I told him to call the family law adviser or the District Attorney. But it's a fact that my declaration is part of the case file. That decision will always be there in writing. I find it sad but she made her choice and will have to live with it.

IMA- sounds like we have similar jobs. :) The BM in your case needs to be mature enough to see that she must jump through the hoops legally...that leaving the state without a court order in place is not the way to go about business. Shame on her parents for not encouraging her to do the right thing. Good job finding the loophole and serving her mom. You have to be smarter than them sometimes.

yeah, I knew I could have served the dad the first day (because there had been multiple attempts before me) but I didn't want to have to put their actions in a declaration. If she had taken the papers, I would have done a simple proof that said she was served at whatever date and time. end of story. Now, she has a declaration that has pictures of her moving truck and all the statements that her parents made to me that she was leaving the state no matter what. (and she did leave)