She'll never be satisfied. No matter how profusely you apologize, she will come up with something else you didn't do.

No one deserves congratulations on a marriage that they kept secret from a family member until after the fact.

I think you should be commended on trying to bring happiness to your father. Personally, I would send a card. TOS, I think the focus is not what a rotten SM this woman is, but how OP is trying to rebuild relationship with her dad.

I don't see the problem with just ignoring the stepmother's whining. It would probably be a very bad idea to physically assault her, no matter how much she deserves it, but I think groveling is not helpful.

I think the right thing is to make sure her father knows that he has raised his daughter to stand on her own two feet. If I were her father, I would want to know that my daughter could stand up to the stepmother after he was no longer around.

This is an adult SD we are talking about. I would agree as to child. The only standing up, after dads death, can be dealt with through an attorney. I get the feeling Dad is under SMs thumb (possibly hiding the fact that he is paying for airline ticket), and could be in a situation where he desperately needs contact with child. I am not saying elder abuse, but that could happen. I know, no matter what, I will be there for my mom. I think the more contact OP has with Dad, the better for both of them. If Dad is being badly treated by SM, contact wiht DD is critical. IMHO

I agree with TOS - once you apologize for this one "mistake" she will move on to another . . . and another . . . how much glass can you eat?

I admire the he!! out of your selfless attitude and desire to care for your father. We should all be so *big*. I think I might send a card to the both of them saying that you are so excited to spend time with the "newlyweds" (play that up a bit) and ask if you can make them a special meal - or take them out if dad can - to celebrate. This does not accept fault for your actions as you shouldn't have to, but says congrats without apologizing. Then you might look into putting sleeping pills into her drink so you can enjoy some time with your dad while she sleeps off dinner!!

TOS & kkny--- You both are right, just responding to this loaded situation of mine from somewhat different angles, two sides of the same coin, which parallels the way I'm torn inside myself because its a naturally damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-donÂt situation. IÂm going to write some more here, to try and explain what my main dilemma seems to be:

He's in a lot of denial (not to mention also on a lot of drugs), which I guess is helping him deal with the fears he has relating to terminal illness and looking back on his life and choices he made... At this point --despite his own confidences to me through the years about his hesitations and certain obvious facts that indicate he's been at least somewhat wary of the kind of person SM is--- he's just not willing to see (or say that he sees) how petty and conflict-creating she can be. Most of my life I held all of my feelings in about her words/actions ---the constant competition with me, the assaults on my self-esteem, driving me to teen anorexia, the constant attempts to drive a wedge between he and I, her shouting at him that I should just leave because I donÂt "give a s**t" about him, the constant twisting of my words/intentions, the score-keeping and grudge-holding, the constant stink-raising any time he wants to do the slightest thing to help me, the misdirected blame and pettiness, year after year after yearÂ--- b/c I didn't want to hurt him or ruin our few visits with conflict and figured I had my own full life and only ever had to deal with her face-to-face for like a month out of the year. When I finally shared with him some of these specific instances that have led me throughout the years to be less than fully trusting/enamored of her --things he was present for so he knows I'm not lying, as well as things *he told me* were reasons he didnÂt marry her for 18 years (i.e. her refusal to help with anything, her foul temper and acid tongue, her refusal to sign prenup)-- it was this past summer when I visited, when he DRAGGED it out of me and insisted I tell him, and it started a MAJOR fight. It resulted in me being made to feel completely invalidated, ganged-up-on and guilted beyond belief, SM pulling strings and yanking chains (and loving every minute of the drama) with crocodile tears. "Shoot the messenger", I guess. I asked: "if my complaints are really so trivial and invalid as you say, then why are you acting so hurt, angry and traumatized by my recounting them? Why did you keep dragging it out of me if you didn't want to hear any answers?" He's definitely got that issue of letting me be the convenient mouthpiece for his own doubts/anger/distrust of her. And of course this hurts and angers me... but now that he has cancer I guess I have a little more sympathy for why he needs a mouthpiece. (At the same time, though, I'm punished when I'm the mouthpiece! See the predicament?) Maybe I should have been better about hiding my feelings altogether, come hell, high water or chinese water torture, but as I said, I am just not that good of an actress.

Throughout all this, the main quandary/quagmire for me has been how to balance keeping peace for the sake of his health/happiness with knowing how/when to stand up to her outrageous B.S. and demands but in as diplomatic a manner as possible, to preserve said peace. Basically the dilemma of "standing up or bending over", and trying to constantly juggle some equilibrium between the two. Each and every time she makes some apalling demand, I am tested as to how I will handle it with both grace and assertiveness. Mainly just to get it out of the way so we can get on with our lives and try to be harmonious and happy for the rest of his days. If it was just between she and I, she would know EXACTLY what I think of her... But because my dad is in the middle of it, with frail health, in tragic denial, itÂs a constant challenge to keep the proper balance and civility. CONSTANT. I want to be there for him and help him (elder abuse is something I worry about too) but thereÂs a limit to how much abuse I should be expected to take in return. The problem is figuring out that limit before itÂs too late, for him and/or for me.

I won't lie: it HURTS LIKE HELL when he invalidates my feelings, or backs me into a corner where he wants issues to be "talked out" but in the same breath "can't handle any emotions or stress". (Obviously that leaves me only the option of saying something that won't upset him about the situation... in other words, a pretty lie.) This hurts likes hell, and feels like my self-respect/dignity peeling off but at the same time I am trying to give him peace. For his sake and for my own conscience, because if I have to live the rest of my life feeling ANY taint of blame/responsibility for aggravating his condition or driving him to an even earlier grave, I won't be able to live with myself. (Maybe SM can live with herself doing that, but I doubt sheÂll ever be truly at peace.) And there's just not much that can be done about the whole situation now anyway. What's he going to do? It's too late. (At least to resolve anything with her, as his wife, like adults, while he's still around... I can deal properly with her later, as kkny suggests.)

I guess the point IÂm trying to make with this huge long post is that all anyone can do in one of these no-win situations is keep struggling with that balance I donÂt know if itÂs possible for anyone to always get it right, always be able to maintain the balance at all times Just have to keep trying, I guess, and try not to lose every shred of your dignity/integrity in the processÂ

Thank you also, JNM... and the idea about the "newlyweds" card/dinner is a very good one. (The sleeping pills... sigh... I'm afraid I don't have the cojones, lol)

Maybe what he needs to hear is that you forgive him. As he faces his mortality, he is probably feeling guilty for things she's done to you and by having you recount them, he wants you to 'talk it out' so you can resolve your feelings and hopes you will 'get over it' so there can be harmony. I don't think he realizes that it's not that easy and things probably didn't go how he thought they would or should. He probably knows how hurt you have been and being terminally ill, he doesn't want to leave you in this pain. I think he wants you to reassure him that you will be okay and that you don't resent him for bringing her into your life and causing you that pain. I really don't think it's about getting you to stand up to her, but to bring peace to him.

If I were in your shoes, I would be as nice as I could to her when you are there. My step mom used to say 'kill 'em with kindness' and it's true. She probably wants the conflict to continue because it keeps you away and she has more control. and if you are sarcastic or unkind to her, then it justifies her treatment of you. She can claim she is just defending herself or standing up for herself. If you are nice as can be with her, she will either have to be nice or look like the troublemaker that she is.

Send her to a day spa same as a sleeping pill she's gone and you get your dad to yourself.

I would argue re: congratualtions with hard earned degrees. maybe the fact that SM didn't say anything about your degree...maybe it didn't mean much to her.

when dad will be gone (sorry it is too sad...) she will be out of your life so who cares what she says or thinks now.

same with dad's remarriage. You don't have to get them anything for wedding. Who cares. these are all formalities. Just go visit sick dad. and by the way why is he buying a ticket?

There comes a time in everyone's (OK, everyone responsible) life, when you will start being the parent and not the child. I can see the love in you. While you are out there, or before, I would contact a lawyer to see what can be done. JMHO.

You sound like a very loving daughter and my heart goes out to you, as the situation you are in is very difficult.It is very clear this is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety over the upcoming trip, probably because you don't really know what to expect from her. I don't blame you.

You cannot change her, but you might be able to diffuse her - at least for the length of your visit. I do not think you owe her any apologies and I also don't think you should congratulate her or grovel.

You might be able to use this upcoming trip as an opportunity to hold your head up very high and show her the kind of woman you are.

Is there any way you could call her before the trip and tell her that you've want the opportunity to talk to her and you want to do so before your visit, but that you don't want for your father to know you called. You could tell her that your father's illness has been very hard on you and on her and that you want nothing more than to have your visit be a pleasant, happy and a simple one, for everyone, and especially for your Dad.

Keep it short and sweet. Unless she is a totally cold-hearted witch, I can't help but believe that she would then give you her buy-in that she is committed to making it the same. And maybe if she doesn't do it on the phone, she'll have some time to think about what you said before you arrive and commit herself to being pleasant.

I am a SM to two adult SD's. If our situation was as yours and they called and said that to me, I would not only immediately give them my buy-in, I would pick them up at the airport, buy their favorite foods for their visit and make myself rare so they could spend some time alone with Dad. I'd give 200% to make it a happy time for everyone.

I hope she does the same. Good luck!

Serenity,

I just saw your post, how I can relate to this awkwardly painful situation. Although, not on the level with a terminally ill parent in the mix. I am so sorry you are going through this.

If Dad called you, I'd say that he is hearing about this quite a bit from SM. I would just send a card that says congratulations on your marriage and talk a little bit about your new degree. Doesn't that seem silly? But, if it keeps your SM from bothering your father in his time of need, I would do it.

On another note, I do think your father on some level knows that he was wrong and maybe need forgiveness from you. I don't know if you will have an opportunity to address this or bring it up?

Good luck.

yes, cawfe recommends spending money on SM, dont do that. Take Dad to lawyer, tell him you love him,

Yes I did ... as a way for her to get some alone time with dad away from SM and SM gets "her much deserved recognition" (her SM's POV not mine) for her wedding gift.

The woman is being cranky for not being acknowledged about her wedding after being with the man for 18 years .... there are more issues with "that woman" than not getting a wedding gift.

As others have said nothing will be enough but even if serenity does acknowledge the glorious day she will find something else to complain about ... so atleast Serenity can have one day with dad.

Doesn't really matter where SM goes as long as she is gone for the day to give Serenity a chance to talk to her dad.

Don't you think this SM would put up a stink if Serenity showed up at the door and said "dad, get ready I am taking you to a lawyer!" and not put up a stink with Serenity. She would wait for Serenity to be gone and brow beat the terminally ill dad into submission anyway.

No need to say, Dad I am taking you to lawyer, just say, Dad lets have lunch. Some SMs are the greediest people on the face on the earth. Dont forget it. They can be SAHMs to no kids or school age kids and still be the most resentful people around.

OP , dont let them getyo done.

What if he is homebound...and as far as my SM vision goes this SM would get ready to go have lunch with them.

Sorry OP off topic.

Was that another slam ... for being a SAHSM? you are so subtle, it's hard to tell.

If he is not well enough to go out for lunch, different story, but if he is, OP should take him out.

what does OP need to take her dad to a lawyer for? I don't get it.

Cawfe, I dont have anything against SAHMs, but when they whine, oh my life is so hard, even though my DH makes enought so I can stay home and the only kids are in school, it is a little tiresome.

So it is just me ... thanks for the clarification.

I guesss if you are the only SAHM with only school age kids who whines my life is so hard, then yes

you wrote:

Posted by kkny (My Page) on Fri, Feb 22, 08 at 10:39

This is an adult SD we are talking about. I would agree as to child. The only standing up, after dads death, can be dealt with through an attorney. I get the feeling Dad is under SMs thumb (possibly hiding the fact that he is paying for airline ticket), and could be in a situation where he desperately needs contact with child. I am not saying elder abuse, but that could happen. I know, no matter what, I will be there for my mom. I think the more contact OP has with Dad, the better for both of them. If Dad is being badly treated by SM, contact wiht DD is critical. IMHO

What changed since friday that makes you think she could just invite Dad somewhere without SM tagging along.

yes its just me the whiner of the year!!!

You can be under someone's thumb, and still cut out for lunch.

And I meant to imply you were whining about your life, not OPs

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. I'm tending to take an approach that kind of involves all of what you said. Again, that dilemma of "stand up or bend over", and the extra variables thrown into this situation that make it even more complicated to decide what to do. Guess it's a matter of limits. Taking on just enough cr*p to maintain civility, like when it's some formality that's neither here-nor-there to me (i.e. the card) and which I have some control over how much or little I'm willing to say on the subject or "gush" about it... Also setting limits as to what I will or won't be asked to do without saying "Enough! Game Over..." Haven't *quite* reached that point personally, though several people in my life have said they would have reached it a long time ago...

I leave next Saturday for the visit. As for SM giving Dad & I any alone time: it'll be interesting to see if she takes off work that week, as she's never done that in the past when I've visited and she's pretty new at her current job (which is in the clinic my dad goes to for chemo, no less.... have I mentioned that before? Also, that's where they got married. Pretty twisted, isn't it?) Anyway, given that time-off is a precious commodity, esp. at a new job and esp. after she never took any leave on my account before, it's going to be pretty wierd if she's there 24/7 for the duration of my stay. She has definitely become the overbearing hawk who won't leave him alone, since he was diagnosed... Before that, she'd years ago stopped joining him for lots of activities they once did together and seemed really content to be gone a lot, shopping or getting her nails done or hair frosted or whatever. (This was the pattern when I came to visit, too, he and I doing those activities and her at the salon, mall, etc...) These days, it's like she's joined-at-his-hip, which I can certainly understand (to a point) now that he's terminal... but there's this other element of *watching him* and being a gatekeeper that I know is a part of it too. She has a really hard time even sharing a literal, physical space with me and him. For example, there's a den room that we end up all congregating in b/c that's where the tv & comfy couch are. There's one other chair that stays in there, and now that dad's sick he stretches out on the couch all the time. So obviously when I visited over the summer, I wanted to bring in a freakin' chair! (Found a cheap folding chair in the closet.) Let me tell you, she reacted to me moving that little chair in there ---and heaven forbid, having to shift a small side table over about 18 inches to fit it in--- as though I was moving the toilet in there from the bathroom and starting to answer a "call of nature" right then & there. If I DARE to go and sit on the edge of the couch next to my Dad, she glares at me and sighs histrionically. I leave the room and she parks herself there in my place. If I ever DARE to sit myself in the chair that's permanantly in there ---"HER" CHAIR, as she calls it--- which is the comfortable one (unlike the folding one I dragged in), she stares me down like she can't believe my nerve... to the point where I have to avert my eyes, like she's waiting for me to look back at her and ask her what's wrong so she can act apalled that I don't know. She once told me literally, in plain English, that the sight of her former SD's (my Dad is her third husband) ---who were EOW, 8 & 11 at the time--- sitting next to their dad on the couch made her sick and angry. She told me that like it was the past tense, like she's matured so much since then, but hmmmm.... somewhow I don't see it... I must be blind!

So yeah, I can only hope she doesn't get the time off work. As for lawyers, he's got one already whom he trusts and I don't (and SM schmoozing up to him with little presents and phone calls, all "B-F-F"-like, doesn't help either). Will have to find a way to afford my own lawyer, and will have to do this privately and probably not while my Dad's alive... If I could know for sure in my heart that my Dad would see that my intentions are good (just to have him get things securely on paper as HE wants them... he doesn't even have to tell me what they are... just so it's not someone else's decision taking over), I would talk to him more openly about the legal/financials... But I know my best intentions would get twisted around when she got wind that I'd talked to him. Unfortunately, it's just too much of an uphill effort at this time and prone to too much ugliness surrounding it. Otherwise, I would agree about frank discussions and lawyer meetings, etc.