My husband came to our marriage with twin daughters of 9, and a very unstable ex. It seemed she was only happy when everything was unhappy. I had a grown daughter who already had a family of her own. We both wanted children very much. With the child support and medical expenses (one daughter required extended therapy) there just never seemed to be the right time or enough money.....In the end the stress of the stepfamily dynamics pushed me into early menopause and the chance was gone. 15 years later I still regret that I didn't do it. Now his children are grown and have their own lives and I really miss that our "family" was never complete. We often talk about it and the unborn baby even has a name. I say, go for it. But talk with him and make sure he understands that you are serious. And yes, he can have a reversal, but he probably isn't looking forward to that more than anything! :>)

I'd think long and hard and do a lot of reading on this forum. You two are very lucky to have a marriage that works and stepfamily dynamics that are working for the kids with respect to both step-parents. Perhaps you don't realize how unusual that is?

Not that it would *necessarily* happen to you, but there does seem to be a common thread where having a child together creates stress and tension for either the mother (wanting to push his other children out of the nest) or for the children (feeling like 2nd class citizens). With nine kids between you, the odds that at least one of them would feel that way are pretty high...

My husband and I each had children from our first marriages, and desparately wanted one together - which we did. We have a loving and stable marriage, and we love our son together; he has enriched our lives and our marriage in many ways. But I have to admit that our having a child together coincided with the start of problems between my older son and his stepfather, and between my husband and his older children. Did it cause the problems? Can't say for sure, but I do think it contributed.

I'd try to change my mindset to see if being a wonderful mother to his children as well as your own can't do it for you.

I have so many mixed emotions. I sometimes find myself wondering what our baby would look like. With my biological children, their dad was not involved at all. I was so young and sometimes I feel like I robbed myself of sharing that with someone who I love so much and loves me the same. I know that was my doing and I definately don't regret my children. The most important thing to me is being a mom and I can't imagine have never getting to have that blessing. I was blessed once again when my step children came into my life. In fact, nobody could even tell which kids were biologically whos. I know I should feel content with that and I do most of the time but sometimes I just get that empty feeling and my heart strings get pulled. His ex is such a bad person. I wish she wasn't since that is the only bad thing in our life. I have done everything possible to get along and can at least hold my head up knowing I tried but when I see how awful she is I sometimes ask myself why did she get to experience that with him and not me. I used to think if I just knew he would want to have a child with me that would be good enough but what about when it is too late? I also ask myself if I truly want to start over again and have such a big age gap. The youngest is eight. I wouldn't want it to seem as if there was an entirely different family or have any of the kids feel slided, and then on the other hand they are all going to be going on with their lives too. I also sometimes wonder if that isn't the problem. I wish I could have them with me forever. The time went by so fast and there was so many bad things that took up too much time such as the years with my ex. They were miserable too. They are very good kids in spite of that and I am proud of them all. I feel like a mess when it comes to this because of all the emotions (emptiness, uncertainty, anger, etc.) and I have talked to my husband some and thought we were on the same page but he dismisses it so easily that I think that maybe he just pacifies me and I am afraid to say too much because I don't want him to feel bad since it is him that had the vasectomy (during his first marriage). He said if he knew we would have been together he wouldn't have had it but what is done is done. I appreciate so much the advice...thank you. That is why I came here because I know there are alot of people who have and do walk in my shoes. I am sorry if there is alot of rambling and jumping all over but I have alot of interuptions. Thank you again.

You are so lucky:

You have 9 children between the 2 of you,
everybody's healthy,
everybody's happy,
you're managing to pay the bills...

& it's spring.

We women are biologically programmed to want little ones, & it's a *very strong* drive.

(If it weren't, we humans would have disappeared long ago!)

I just have a feeling that it's at least partly that powerful drive that you're experiencing.

But we don't live in a world in which more offspring are vital to the family or the community or the species.

We live in a stressful complicated world in which children are not valuable assets but expensive luxuries, a world in which parental obligations do not stop at, say, age 17 when the child marries & sets up her own household.

What are you going to do if every one of your children wants to pursue higher education?

What if one of them develops a physical problem that involves a great deal of expense?

You don't have to have a biological offspring with your husband to realize the depth of your love.

I would say, breathe in, breathe out,
repeat over & over "Spring will be over in just a few months",
count your extraordinary blessings,
& be happy.

Count yourself as very lucky... you have a loving husband, and nine loving children... a great family. I realize that having what you didnt (with your ex) seems to be the driving force. Babies are wonderful and a fantastic expression of your love as a couple but they also are a financial strain on the family..... and that causes stress.
My opinion is ... wait for the grandkids..spoil them and take them for weekends and then send them home and you and grandpa have a wonderful time talkin about how much fun it was to have babies in the house...... your loving family growing .... and knowing that you and your hubby made it possible!!!!!!!

I think you should go for it, remember that you always regret the children you didn't have, not the children you had. By the way instead of going thruogh vasectomy reversal, that is a difficult and costly operation, your husband could have a TESE (ggogle it), where the semen is retrieved "directly" by the testicle (it is NOT painful, is done in local anesthesy with a very thin needle), It works much better than the reversal and it cost about $ 400 and every infertility centre will do it.

Thank you first of all for all of the new posts. As I said before it helps so much to hear from everyone who has been there. We are all here for the support of having a blended family and I hope that I can give some insight to someone else that may be experiencing the same situation (whatever it might be) that I am or have. Unfortunately, the road we are all traveling is a little more bumpier than in some family situations. I always try to tell myself that things could be worse and what I am going through right now is so small to other things that my family has endured and to what others here have.

I did talk to my husband some (in a round about way) and brought up the fact that we may never experience having a child together. As he has said before, "A little of everyone rolled into one" which is not the main reason it has even been considered. I told him that sometimes I still get that empty feeling and wonder what we may miss and that some day it will be too late. He said that he would love it if we had a baby together. I told him I just don't know how we could afford it,(I know that we could figure it out if we actually decided once and for all we wanted to), but he never continues to talk about it and that always leads me to believe that he just pacifies me. I think that if he really wanted it he would openly discuss it with me more and want to try to actively figure out how we could accomplish it. Sometimes, it even seems as though he changes the subject. I just get so confused as to why he says he would like that and then just drops it so easily. Doesn't he ever feel the emptiness? Every memory we have of our children from birth up until five years ago was with someone else. He just brought up something about one of the kids at birth the other day and I found myself feeling hurt and "left out" because it was a memory he didn't share with me. Again, I knew this when we got married but I didn't know that I would feel like this. I just wish that if he wasn't serious he wouldn't bring it up at all and leave me dangling. I am making it sound like we lack in communication , but this is the only area that is true. It is in part my fault as I feel I am protecting him because he has commented that he is the reason we can't and also because I know if he knew how much it meant to me he would feel hurt he couldn't give me that. I know he would do anything for me but I also want us on the same page and if he didn't truly feel the same then I know I could let it go a little easier too. It would be selfish on my part not to.
Everyonethat has posted has made some really good arguments both ways and have given me more to think about and either way it goes I can look at it from all the different perspectives and find comfort, especially if we never do have a child together. We will be grandparents some day (YIKES...I want to think I am still too young for that!) but we will share that toghether as going bonkers pointed out. But, on the other hand, will we regret not having a child together after it is too late. Thank you searer for the tip on TESE because that could make a difference too. I hate to make a decision based on money but we do have other kids to take care of also. My husbands ex paid anywhere from $5000-$7000 for a tubal reversal and when she got pregnant she went on welfare to pay for the OB care and birth and plans on having 1-2 more after this one. I don't get it. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and even though I haven't got to post much on the other threads, I do read them and I am keeping all of you in my prayers and hope that you all get through your trying times soon. God Bless.

You sound like an exceptional woman, with a tremendous amount of patience, and yet 9 children is an enormous amount for any family. What if one day you ended up with full custody of all 9? What if a new baby had some sort of issues that needed alot more time and devotion, and yet the other children needed your time too, but you could not give it to them?

Are you envious of his ex for having a baby?

What ages do all of the children span? Are you young or getting up in years? How much of an age difference between your youngest, and a baby? Have you hit those exhausting teen years yet? Are you going to have the funds to provide the children you have with future educations? If the other kids are all in their teens etc., perhaps you will be able to focus time and energy that this baby will need.

Thank you for the kind words. I know this will sound crazy but having 9 kids is such a blessing and not hard to handle at all. I think the reason this has never seemed difficult to me is because I have ran a home daycare out of my home for the last 14 years. I am actually used to taking care of 12 children all day with at least one baby in the group and more often than not two (I only take two when their ages are far enough apart to give them both enough attention) so 9 seems easy to me. God started preparing me that many years ago knowing that someday my family would suddenly grow. Our childrens ages are 17,16,15,14,12,12,12,10, and 8. We would love more than anything to get full custody of all nine. We have all 9 here at least 10 days out of the month and my bio children don't spend the night with their dad except for one of them and it is only 1 night a week. I am fortunate to get so much time. I am 34 and my husband is 36.

One of my concerns of having a baby is the big age difference. However, we do have some of our children including a couple of the teenagers that ask when we will have a baby, like they expect it or something. The teens are definately harder than younger children (a warning to anyone reading this that hasn't had teens yet) but I guess parenting is always a learning experience.

I had my first three at a young age (my bio are the oldest three and one of the 12 year olds) and despite my young age I have always been very devoted to my children. Being a mom has always come first and it is the most important job I will ever have. I have never regretted them. They didn't mean my life was over but it was a little more challenging. I did graduate from high school and had one year of college at a Tech. school. The only thing I regret is that the oldest three have never known their dad. We were too young and things didn't work out. I then married at 21 and had a child with him and after 6 years of marriage it ended in divorce. After getting pregnant with my fourth child my ex decided he didn't want to be very nice to my other three children and also decided that being a dad period wasn't the best thing that could happen to him. I guess what I am getting at is that now I have a man who not only loves and adores me but also all of our children. I realized what I missed before and I know that we will be together forever and there is only one thing missing from our lives that we may not experience together. We both love being parents. We just don't have any memories of bring a child into the world together. Our kids are all getting older and it won't be long before something so important to us has moved on with their own lives (which is what is supposed to happen and I knew this all along) and it seems that the time for us to raise the kids in a loving stable home was so short. We will never know what it was like to not have to share our children with somebody else or get to make all of the decisions between us about them. I want to know what his face looks like the first time he sees his baby. I will never know what it was like to have someone want the child as much as I do. These are just a few things I feel I am missing. I also know there are the down sides of having another child. It seems it should be simple but there are so many lives involved and we are blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with each other and our kids. We are blessed they all get along so well (most of the time).

As for his ex having another baby. I have asked myself if it made things more difficult with my emotions but I have felt this way for the past couple of years and she isn't due for another 4 months. However, I do feel sorry for the baby. Her and her husband are not very good people and I truly am not just saying that because she is my husbands ex. I am one that tries to see the good in everyone and would love to see that in her and get along with her for my stepchildrens sake but as hard as I try she tries harder to make our lives miserable even though it affects her children. I will also feel sorry for my stepchildren because I am afraid that her and her husband are not capable of treating all of the kids equal. One of my SD's have already commented about that. My husband and I are wondering if that is when the kids will be with us more. We can only pray for that. God Bless.

"I have talked to my husband some and thought we were on the same page but he dismisses it so easily that I think that maybe he just pacifies me and I am afraid to say too much because I don't want him to feel bad since it is him that had the vasectomy (during his first marriage). He said if he knew we would have been together he wouldn't have had it but what is done is done."

sounds like it's a non-issue for him, like he's content with what the 2 of you have.

He's been supporting a family for a long time, now the youngest is in school, maybe he's looking forward to a breather, to the time when your lives can be a little more relaxed & the 2 of you can spend more time together as a couple.