I really believe that a lot of it is that you have never had children. I remember that before I had kids, I'd see kids act up in the stores etc. and I'd say to myself "If my kid ever did that........" Well, after I had kids, my kids did do that and a lot of other things. We are much more tolerant of our own children than other people's children.

She may also be a little angry, but is too little to understand exactly what she is feeling and so acts out with the hitting etc. Time and love will take care of that.

Patience, patience, patience, patience. That's what parenting and even more so stepparenting is all about. If he's worth it, you'll stick around and develop a relationship with her. She's little still. Teenagers are more difficult. Best wishes.

Thank you for responding neener66.
It's just funny because I would have never acted the way she does or I got spanked. I use to think my parents were always being too hard on me, but I'm glad they were the way they were. I thank them til this day because they have prepared me well.

It's funny to hear you say people are much more tolerant of our own children than other people's children because when we go to the store (and I hate going to the store with them)she likes to run around, play with everything, jump on display beds, and I HATE that. When I try and tell her to stop it's not appropriate she says you are not my mommy. I get so angry that I let her be and if she gets hurt then so be it she gets no sympathy from me. And her dad just walks around the store like nothing is going on and always asking me where is she. I am so fed up!

I do think my perspective of things will change when I have kids of my own but until then I'll never really know. She is the only child that I treat this way and the only one who disrespects me. I babysit all the time and I love kids but it's something about her.

Dear chank,

It is a really good thing to come to this forum. It has helped me alot as a stepparent and I hope you keep coming back.
I have been a stepparent to three children for the last 18 years. I was barely 30 years old with I met my spouse. Almost as young as you are today. His youngest daughter was four years old.

I understand you truly love your companion and that you think he is an awesome man but you must understand something : he has a daughter and she will always, always, always be in his life. So, if you already have alot of resentment towards this young girl, and I am not judging you for this because your feelings ara perfectly normal, but if after two and a half years, so still have these feelings towards this young girl, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese think about getting out of this relationship for your own mental, spiritual, physical sake cuzit ain't going to get any easier.

For those who say you may be having difficulty with this situation because you haven't had a child of your own, I say where does this thought come from. It's not because you haven't personnally had children that you don't know what children are all about, what there needs are, etc. etc. etc. Being a parent is difficult.Period. And it doesn't matter if its a steparent or a biological parent! You can be a stepmother to this child weather you've had children or not!

The difficulties you are experiencing in your relationship with this child and also with your boyfriend will not go away unless you do a whole lot of soul searching and you areally decide that this is the kind of relationship you want to be in cuz this child will not go away and it will not become easier dealing with her and her father as the years go by.

In the meantime, perhaps it would be a good idea if the next time the child comes around, you stay somewhere else. Let your boyfriend take care of his daughter.If he wants to act as her friend all day long instead of her father or a man who must discipline this child, then he will be able to do all this without you interfering and then he will be responsible for the consequences of his act on his child. You can visit them when they are together but don't stay. For now, your goal is to be a friend to this child, to get to know her and for her to get to know you. She already has a mother so don't try to take up that role. You will make yourself sick and you come to hate your boyfriend and his child.

Keep on posting.

Bad behavior is bad behavior not matter what, but dealing with it when it's not your own child is even more difficult. There's that unconditional love factor that comes into play with your own children and step parents care about stepchildren, but they just don't have that unconditional love that biological parents do. When you've been with that child from the very beginning.....feeling him/her kick in the womb, up all night with night time feedings in the beginning, changing diapers, celebrating their first smile, feeding themselves, hearing them laugh outloud for the first time, waving bye bye, kissing them while they sleep, their first steps, their first words.......there's a bond there that occurs like in no other relationship, including stepparenting. If you haven't brought a child through all of those milestones, you wouldn't understand.

I am in no way judging you for how you're feeling about your boyfriend's daughter, but I just thought that since I've been on both sides (biological mother and stepmother) that I could maybe help you to understand why you feel the way that you do.

Believe me, I know that even small children can have behaviors that are so difficult that they aren't much fun to be around at times.......I'm a first grade teacher. But my point is that's it's so much easier for your boyfriend to tolerate her behavior.....he has that unconditional love and you don't.

The daughter may also be a little jealous of your relationship with her daddy, but is too young to express how she's feeling in words and so it comes out in her behavior.

My son was difficult for my husband at first, but I swear that he won him over with play. He would spend hours playing video games with him or tossing a football, etc. Play really was the trick to winning his heart over. I think you should hang in there and spend some fun time with her.

I understand where both of you are coming from and I apprieciate the advice. I have now been dealing with behavior for 2 yrs now and she has changed a little but it is not perfect. I KNOW she is protective of her dad and and jealous of my relationship with her dad, she doesn't want to share, but what about our personal time? We have no time because she won't allow it. He won't touch me if she is in sight! Not even a hug. It's almost like she is the parent and he is the kid. Is this normal??? I mean I help take care of this girl and it's almost like I don't exist. We live together so it's hard for me to leave days and not come back until she is gone. But when I know she is coming a do make an excuse to leave for a couple of hours and have me time because I can't deal with them. I tend to come home late when she is about to go to sleep so my BF and I don't argue and me and I don't have to put up with her behavior.

I know I will never have the bond with her as her bio parents do and I'm not trying to be her mom. But the way I was raised was to respect your elders no matter if they were your parents are not. I try to take her to the store with me, I try to play with her and do things to involve her but as soon as the activity is over it's back to normal rude behavior. I mean what else is there to do? How long did you go through this pattern?

Chank,you may not like my advice. I think you are too young to be dealing with this. You should be out having fun and not worrying about his 4 year old. It doesnt sound like he is mature enough to even be a responsible parent yet. (not that other 24 year olds cant be,but most men at this age are still VERY young minded)
I really feel for you,and I think you deserve better. If your boyfriend acts this way now,imagine how it will be in a few years.
I would NEVER let my child run around a store and act like his does. My child always got put in a stroller or in a cart and wasnt permitted to run rampant like an animal. For starters, it is disrespectful to other shoppers. When my daughter got to an age where she could keep her hands to herself and act like a civil human being,then she was allowed to walk in stores.
If you read more on this forum,you will see just what you're getting yourself into.It is alot.Even after these kids grow up and we think the drama is over,it still continues.

I know you may love your boyfriend...but I think you should really think about if you want this to be the rest of your life. Enjoy your youth while you can.You really dont need to be weighed down with HIS responsibilty.Just my opinion.

Thank you coolmama

Dear chank,

I to also think it is a little sad for a young woman your age to be involved in the siutation you are in. However, I respect your choice and I really know how hard it is to think with our mind when we love someone. We think with our heart and we hope for the best.

This being said, I was thinking about you this weekend and wondering how things were going with your young four year old stepchild.

I heard something on the radio about recomposed families and it reminded me of your situation.

It was a woman who said her child would be really, really nice to her partner when all of a sudden the little boy would get mean towards this woman's new spouse, pinching the man and telling him things that were hurtful. It would just happen all of a sudden for like no real reason.

It reminded me of you when you say you do fun things with the little girl and then when that is over she is rude to you.

Well according to the psychologists, social workers and doctors who were taking part in this radio show, children who react like this towards stepparent it is because the child all of a sudden feels like it is not being faithful to their biomother, that by having fun with the stepparent, they feel like their biomother won't love them anymore etc. etc.

The advice was that when you as a stepparent see the child is starting to be mean all of sudden towards you without any apparent reason, you the stepparent must step back a tiny little bit, let the child breathe a little bit, calm himself down and then you the stepparent can get near the child and let him know that it isn't right to treat you like that, that you haven't done anything to deserve that and that the way the child acts is not a way to treat a friend and that there is nothing wrong with him or her playing and having fun with you. Explain to the child that the biomom will not be upset if he or she has fun with you and becomes your friend.

I thought it was interesting what I heard and I thought it could maybe help you a little bit with your relationship with your partner's four year old.

fleurs_gardener:
Thank you for your response I found it to be a good point.
Well this past weekend my BF daughter came over and I left the house and did my own thing. I am no longer going to deal with it. I've prayed about it and I'm just letting it go. I find it so easy to be nice to complete strangers but I can not be nice to his daughter. He asks me all the time "why can you be so nice to someone you don't know but you have a hard time being nice to my daughter?" I simply said well that stranger was nice to me so I was just being polite. I'm tired of being nice to her and she treats me like crap, no respect. That is not fair to me...doesn't matter if she is just a kid. I don't know how and what this will do to our relationship but at this point I don't care. Until he can disciple her and just talk to her, teach her right from wrong then I will have NOTHING to do with his daughter.

Dear chank,
I truly, truly understand your feelings.

I think you did the right thing by leaving your boyfriend alone with his daughter this weekend. I know it must have been hard for you to do this but think about the peace and serenity you gained from it.

Also, I am convinced that by acting that way, your boyfriend will certainly see what you had to deal with when it came to his daughter and he certainly will appreciate you more in the long run.

At one point I did the same thing with DH. When he had the children, I'd leave. I couldn't stand being everybody's maid anymore. In fact, if I had to start it all over again, I would leave my husband alone with his kids alot more often.

If I knew then what I know today, I would not have gotten so involved in these children's lives and I really wonder if I would have gotten involved with a divorced man, father of three children!!!!

There are days when I still truly think I might be better off alone because of all the stress and anxiety I have to go through as a stepparent!

Keep posting.

Perhaps you might want to reconsider your placement of anger. You boyfriend is the one REFUSING to deal with his daughter. It is not a 4 year old girl's fault that her FATHER ALLOWS her to mistreat people. She is not being taught simple social skills. A 4 year old should not be running the show. Her FATHER should be.

Time to place blame where it belongs--right in the lap of your boyfriend. He is allowing this situation to escalate by not insisting that she treat you with respect.

I'm sorry, you cannot blame a 4 year old for misbehaving. That's completely natural. But you CAN blame her parents for allowing the misbehavior to continue. If that situation is bad now, just wait 10 or 12 years....

I agree with fleurs gardner,that by you leaving when she visits is letting him get a taste of how she acts. It also gives you time to clear your head and maybe do something nice for yourself.
If you are going to stay in this relationship,you need to make it clear you are NOT her caregiver.HE IS.
IF you go to a store with them and he wants to let her run around,DONT YOU be the one to watch after her. Walk away,let him be the parent he should be.
Hopefully he will soon realize how she acts,and since you are no longer doing his job for him,he will maybe start laying down the law a bit more.
I hope things are going better~keep us updated!

I think he will never see her bad behavior because to him, she is an angel. He always says "she's just a baby" And she acts like one only because he treats her like one. I refuse to treat her like a baby because she is not. She can dress herself, feed herself, brush her teeth etc..the only thing I help with is her hair. I'm done dealing with it, but any suggestions on how I can tell him to stop treating her like a baby and let her start doing little things for herself?

chank,

I'm just wondering if you are truly happy with this man in every other way besides the kid thing. I ask because I once dated a guy who had a daughter and also would not dicipline AT ALL! I wasn't happy with him, and that was not the only reason, but if you want to eventually marry and have your own children with this guy, you may want to think twice. If he won't dicipline this child, odds are that he won'd dicipline or back you up when it comes to your children toghether either and you will always wind up being the bad guy. After I broke it off with him, I decided to only date guys who do not have children. It truly is a lot to take on at such a young age.

raek:
I am happy...this is the only thing that we argue about and that bothers me. I do ask myself should I get out, but then I'll think of how much I love him. I do hope that if he ever has another child that he would do a better job seeing that parents stay together. I think that has a lot to do with his disciple now. The mother has this child majority of the time and he feels how much can he change in 2 day with her? He doesn't think about what this is doing to her in the long run. I try to tell him but nothing seems to get through. He and she just see me as the bad person trying to disciple.

If your man does not deal with discipling, your relationship with him will definitely be affected soon or later. He might think 2 days of disciplinary does not help a child, but spoiling a child would really ruin her life in the future. If the birth mother of the child is discipling the child the way a mom should be, but your BF's spoiling her all the time, then it will most likely create a tention between two families and the blame might fall onto you. Since you have not married your man yet, you do not need to take on the MOM's responsibility but only be this little girl's friend. If you ever marry this man, than you take on the role as a stepmom. Remember this, if your relationship with his daughter is not good or if he continues to spoil his daughter, you will most likely have an upcoming, bigger problem dealing with the child's mom. Communicate with your man and let him know it is for the best for his daughter. If he is not willing to take his part, then you might want to think twice staying in this relationship because the tortures and fights between you and your BF will only wears off your relationship.

choppymom:

Well thank you for your in put. I blame him and the bio mom. They both lack in the discipline department. The mom treats her like a friend and the dad doesn't disciple her for her actions. Believe me we argue so much about this i don't know how much wear and tear is left. This is the only thing that frustrates me that I know I have no control of. Trust me there are no marriage plans until this situation is resolved. Who knows how much longer this will last.

I may have made the mistake of not being a friend to her in the beginning but now I do and I feel like what is the point of me being nice to this girl and I get no respect in return. I feel like I am wasting my time with her.

Yep, discipline is hard. Even if the girl is yours, it is just hard to do the right thing. It looks like both the mom and the dad are taking the easy way out when dealing with her behavior. There is not much you can do if THEY do not do a thing, but try not to give up if you love your BF and his daughter. I don't care what my boys' mom says, I continue to tell the boys to take shower everyday and talk to them about personal hygene, even though they don't shower when they are at her house every weekend (just one of the many examples). I love the boys so much that I continue to nag them and teach them what is good for them. If they do not listen, I cannot control them, but I believe one day when they grow up they will know what is best for them, and I can say I have done my part. May be it is just my case but that's my 2 cents.

Well I just want to thank all of you that gave me advise with my BF and his 4 yr old daughter. I think this is the end of the road for me because I'm calling it quits. I just can't take it anymore. Just to give you a little update:
Things were going good for awhile because I would always leave so they can have the house to themselves and have there alone time and not worry about me telling his daughter what to do. This past weekend it just got to a point where I told myself I don't need this anymore.

Here is a little scenario:
She wanted to go outside and play so I picked some clothes for her to wear. She wanted to wear her good clothes and I told her no, I said you don't need to wear your good clothes you are just going outside to play. She starts crying to her dad he does nothing but ask her what's wrong and told her to stop crying cause that wasn't a reason to cry. So then they come back in and I was cleaning and I simply asked his daughter if she still wanted her juice cause I was going to throw it away. She starts yelling and screaming at me and then he had the nerve to call me in the room and ask me to speak to his daughter in a nicer tone. Are you kidding me????? He said nothing to her about her yelling at me and what not. This may sound childish but this has been going on for 2 yrs now and I have finally reached my point. Thank you again god bless.

Well,you tried your best chank....I actually think if you leave it is a mature decision. You should read silvergypsy's post cuz I see alot similarities in the situation.

I dont think you are being childish,I think it is hard to deal with other people's kids.4 is a bratty age (my own daughter and I used to argue quite a bit at this age)If her father would rather encourage this behavior,instead of teaching her to not behave this way,then you obviously have your work cut out for you....in which case no one could blame you for opting out.
You are young,intellegent,and any man probably be lucky to have you.

chank,
I know how you feel right now and I know everything you have been going through with your BF and his daughter.

It's sad that when we first meet a man who has children we think oh how great.... I bet they are cute, etc. etc. etc. We instinctively help these children and their father. Most of the time, we will care for these children and do everything a mother would do. In the mean time, the father doesn't say a word, thinks its just fine that you take care of their children, etc. etc. but when somethings happened between the child and that woman, oh boy.....In my 18 years as a stepparent, I don't know how many times I've had arguements with DH because of his oldest daughter's attitude, lack of responsibility, etc. I knew it right from the start that this child didn't like me (she was 9 at the time and rotten spoiled)but I figured I would give to her the same I gave to the other two stepchildren with whom I get along.

Today, I want to know nothing of my DH's oldest daughter and if there is one thing I truly regret is not telling her myself what I think about her, about the decisions she has made etc. etc. and how she has treated me in the last 18 years. Utter disgust. Her father is alot to blame for it to and I've told him that if my relationship with his oldest daughter is what it is today....it is largely because of HIM. So today he also has to suffer the consequences of this unhealthy relationship I have with his oldest daughter and it has come to a point now where I don't even want to discuss his daughter with him anymore. Enough is enough.

This being said, I know from experience that the decison you have taken, that is that you are calling it quits, is the right one. It takes a lot out of a woman to care for other people's children. It actually leaves a bitter taste in your mouth after a while especially when the father doesn't recognize how hard you work for his child/children.

Whenever I meet a young woman like you who has become interested in a man who has children, I tell that young woman run, run, run, run, run, run as fast as you can from this relationship. It's too hard and in the long run, the gains are, in my opinion, very little.

Keep posting. Always nice to hear from you chank.

God bless.

fleurs...I was wondering what, if anything his daughter could do now that there is all this animocity built up against her to make things better between the 2 of you.

As you already know, I do not get along with my stepmother. I blame her, and I'm sure she blames me. I really just want to move past all of that now and wanted your perspective on how I can get things moving in the right direction.

raek,
Good question. In fact, there is so much animosity on my part towards this SD that I really don't know if there is anything she can do other than continue to ignore me as she has been doing for 18 years. The difference now is that I too chose to ignore her where as even as little as six months ago I still was worried about her, her decisions, her marriage, I still wanted the best for her.etc.

What I don't appreciate about her is this sense of ''entitlement'' she thinks she has over her father. I must admit her father kind of contributed to her having this attitude and lack of respect towards me cuz everytime she did show a lack of respect towards me and I would tell him about it, he chose to ignore me and not to talk to her about it out of fear of being totally ignored by his daughter. There was a point where she was so mad/jealous of me that she would not talk to her father for months. During those times, he was the one who did everything to keep in contact with her. She would never call him and it hurt my DH and so he figures it was just better not to rock the boat with her and just do and be there for her every single time she called or wanted something from him - even if it would cause an argument between him and I.

If you really want to get things moving in the right direction with your stepmom, I do suggest you do one very, very, very important point. Respect her!

I will give you an example. I contributed to my SD's wedding gift. She has never personnally thanked me. She thanked her father, but not me. Nope!

She has never, never given me a birthday card for the last 18 years and yet I've given her a birthday gift every year for the last 17 years. I stopped one year ago. Enough was enough.

She had not given me a Christmas gift for the last three years. She gave me one three years ago but that's because she went shopping with her husband and they found something for me and her father - a hamac to install at the lake.

Whenever she needs money, she calls her father and cries she needs money. DH sends her money. Stepdaughter thanks her father, but never never has thanked me. She just thinks this money comes from daddy and yet she knows darn well her father doesn't make enough money to be sending her some.

Two xmas ago, we gave her a 400 dollar digital camera. The deal was that the three kids were going to get together that year to buy us a xmas gift. Xmas came and went and we never had a christmas gift, not even a christmas card explaining why we didn't get a gift. She told her FATHER she was too broke to buy us a gift, but she never told me , n ever even said she was sorry but yet she knew that camera came from ME and her father.

When she got married, she gave everybody and anybody a corsage to wear. I was the only one in her family that didn't get one. Three people came up to me at her wedding telling me how mean that was of her. After all, I had been in her life for 14 years and already knew I was contributing to her wedding gift. During the wedding reception, she thanked everybody and their dog for showing up at the wedding etc. etc. etc. but never once thanked her father ...or me. Oh well!

I could go on and on. I would send her care packages and not once did she call me to say thank you. Once I waited three weeks before she talked to me something I had sent her and the only reason she did talk to me about it then, is because I was the one who asked her if she liked what I had sent her. I wisk she would have called my when she got the gift and thanked me for it. That is the way I was raised but I guess she just didn't see the importance of calling me and thanking me for what I had given her. That was the last time I sent her something. Ignorant!

I could go on and on raek but I'm starting to feel anxious and stressed just thinking about her. I'm getting even more anxious lately because I heard she wanted to divorce her husband and move back near us!NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I told my husband that would be the beginning of the end between us!

I c

That is a situation where it can mess up the relationship.I have same situation.My boyfriend of 10ms have 2 girls 9 & 5..I have grown and 1 teen & 8 yr old.Now when it comes to his 5yr old he lets her do whatever she wants and if she even so make a sound like she's going to cry he will take it out on one of the other kids my 8yr as well as his 9yr old. He acts as if he's obsessed with the 5yr old daughter.I don't know what it is but when it comes to her he acts as nothing else exist..

For instance on his cell phone he keeps her picture on there only.. Never seen the 9yr old on there.Not to mention he thinks everything she does is cute when it's not.He would tell me the same thing over and over when it comes to his daughter it's sickening because she gets her way and he knows it..We are suppose to be getting married and you know what I fear , her having to be in our bed every night..One weekend they were over my daughter and a friend spend the night and they were playing, it wasn't even time for bed the lights were still on.She starts wining and crying she's afraid of the dark, without any questions he told her to come on get in the bed with us.My mood was gone I was turned off.When she finally went sleep he said 'See that didn't take long, did it?' That's not the point he gave in to quick.

I told her when she's with me she not getting away with stuff when she with me like he does.He treats her better than the older daughter.My problem with him is when something wrong with her he automatically blaems the others to where it was actually a problem cuz see I have kids to but my youngest is 8yrs old and he gives it to her when it comes to his 5yr old.Like the original post when he does that it makes it hard for me to care for her for real.

You know what I had to make clear with him when we go on our honey moon no kids, he looked at me like why you say that.He goes I know you don't think she was coming..Hey he was married before but not to the kids mom I often wonder if that was one of the reasons..She stays under him all the time.When we go to church she don't know how to act she climbs on chairs it's ridiculous that she's like that.He admitted to me though he knows she does things but let her get away with it.I told him no one is gonna want to watch her though, everyone is not gonna treat her the way you do.Not saying he should love his daughter but come on now you make it worse when you spoil one like they the only one...Sometimes I want the 9yr old to come but him to leave the younger one with his mom and grandmother because she is really nerve reckogning when she come..

Good luck !