Take her with you one time, if she misbehaves leave her at home the next time. She is old enough to stay at home alone.

Hi, I'm new here but here is some advice...even some 14 year olds are not mature enough to stay at home unsupervised. Do you worry about what she might do when you are not there? Would she let boys come over? Just remember that even though she is your husband's daughter, if somethings happens while you are gone and she is alone, you are the one who gets the blame. Is there any family around that she could visit during the day and you could pick her up before your husband gets home? If not, sit her and your husband down when she gets there and tell them what you will and will not tolerate during her visit. My step sons are 12 and 13 and I very rarely let them stay at home, even if I run to the store, just because I don't trust how they will behave. Good luck!

I don't believe it will harm a 14 year old to stay at home alone, like it might 2 younger children. Unless of course you mean to leave her alone day after day after day. What would you do if you worked.

I can understand how you feel -- my stepdaughter stayed with us last summer (on break from college) and I will not allow her to stay here again (my husband supports me because she went out drinking every night, went through all of my closets, drawers, etc. and stole my belongs -- then, of course lied). So, my question is are you concerned about leaving her alone because of her age or because of what she might do alone in your house (mine came for a lunch w/Dad and her grandmother for Christmas and I asked my husband to promise he would not let her out of his sight....he didn't! Nothing was stolen.)

I guess the part about he told you and didn't ask bothers me.....I mean I have made demands to my husband about her NOT coming, but he fully understands how she totally violated me this summer and disrespects him so he agrees (lunch at Christmas was a compromise! If she comes into my house, you promise to watch her and not let her anywhere near my closets, jewelry box, etc!).

If you think she is ok to be alone and won't do any damage, I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. In fact.....do you have someplace you could go visit for a week or 2?!

It sure ain't easy for us stepmoms, is it?!!!!! (I do have a great stepson full-time though....so I do see the value we/they can bring, but when it's bad....it's pretty awful!)

Thank you all for the responses. I don't have family here and my friends don't like her much so I can't ask them to watch her. She doesn't have friends here (we live out in the country)so there wouldn't be any boys over if I weren't home. I just really don't want to be around her at all. I am hurt that my husband TOLD me that she was coming. My husband would not ever let anyone disrespect me or badmouth me or use me for any reason, unless it's his daughter. She can get away with it. Last time she was here, I was at my neighbors' house (there is only a driveway between us, so the house is very close to ours)and SD was at home. She came over to the neighbors to ask if my girlfiends' son could come over and go swimming with her. I told her yes and to let me know when he arrived so I would be home while they were in the pool, well when I turned back to my neighbor to continue talking with her, SD made a face at me. I of course couldn't see it, but my friend did. When I confronted SD about it (that evening with her dad)she denied it over and over. Then my husband said that he believes she did it because he has seen her do it to me. He didn't say ANYTHING to her about it when he saw it. I couldn't belive it! I feel like when it comes to her, he doesn't care about me.

Jenkin,

Try to imagine where your hubby is coming from. I bet he feels like he is in the middle. If he gets on to her, whom he barely sees, then she might resent him. If he says anything to you, then you might resent him. Either way he loses. Do you remember being 14? I do and I wouldn't go back for anything. It's such an awkward time in a girl's life. Have you ever tried one on one time with her, just the two of you? Try to take her shopping or find out a CD that she is wanting and surprise her with it. Maybe you could go and get your hair or nails done together. I don't know how long you have been in her life but she might be acting out because she doesn't trust you. Remember who she lives with the majority of the time. (his ex) My thoughts will be with you, good luck.

She is old enough to be left alone. She isnt YOUR responsiblity,she is your husband's.If he doesnt like it,he can stay home with her.

It's kinda scary my step daughter is the same age as yours (except she just turned 15) and abuses my 9 year old. So,I told my husband until she can learn to keep her hands to herself she wasnt coming back to our place. So now when he sees her,it is not at our place,and she never spends the night anymore.

I too,was left alone with her ALL day while my husband was at work in the summer.(and he didnt get home until after 7pm most nights) She took that time to hit my daughter and be rude and disrepectful to me. It was totally unfair for the burden of his unruly child to be placed on me.

There hasnt been a next time,and there wont be ever again.
Every advice column I have read online says that step mothers should not be forced to be the one caring for the step child.It is the BIO-PARENT's job,and forcing it will only add to resentment on both parts of the step child and step parent.
Good advice,eh?

When I first married my present husband, his oldest son was having financial problems and needed to live with one of his parents. His mother had been keeping him, his wife and baby until she couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted us to take them for awhile. I told my husband your children can't live with us, if they get mad at me they will hate me forever, if they get mad at their mother they will get over it. My husband said ok. I found out years later I was saved from living with a very verbally abusive step son

I think that given DH works and you are SAHM, to tell DH to take care of SD is not going to be too productive.

I think you should discuss ahead of time with DH, how long SD can be left alone -- 1 hour, 2 hours. Will you be reachable -- cell phone. I would first start with 1 hour, see how that works, then go with 2 hours. Make certain she knows what to do in case of emergency, understands to keep doors locked, dont answer.

What is she supposed to do while he is at work for 3 weeks? Just sit home? Check into local schools and libraries and see what programs they have -- you are both residents. There are many low cost programs the schools where I live have -- for teens trips, etc. This might give her a chance to meet others her age also. Do you have any friends with children her age (any siblings of friends of your 7 yr old?). How is she doing in school -- this could be a time to get a tutor to work with her. Do you do any volunteer work -- could she help.

I think you should put it to DH that her just sitting home is not best for either of you.