He can be loyal to her or to you - but not to both. He is divorced from her and is engaged to you and he is sharing what you say about her with her? After you begged him not to?

What is this man thinking? If my husband did this to me when we were engaged, there would never have been a wedding.

June,

his whole thing was he was going to put an end to it. He saw it as him ending a problem. In his head he really thinks it was the "best thing to do".

How do you make someone so stubborn see the other side of things. Later he admitted that he may have jumped the gun, but still thought that he was "doing what's best". He said that he did not promise me he wouldn't say anything thus he did not betray my trust.

That whole situation caused a huge fight and even though some time has passed I am still upset.

Since he's admitted that "he jumped the gun", would it work to ask him to think on it for a few days before he "does what's best" about things regarding you when you haven't specifically asked him to do it?

And I'd be pretty choked too if my BF talked to BM about something she did or said to me without my express consent... My BF knows one of my exes that I still have occasional contact with and I sure wouldn't confront the ex about some issue between him and my BF without talking to BF first!! So I think you're quite justified in being mad.

Is your SO one of those "white knight" types who want to fix things for everyone who "depends on him" (kids, SO, parents, etc)?? One of my brothers is a bit like that and it took a couple of good scraps to make him quit doing it to me...

"He said that he did not promise me he wouldn't say anything thus he did not betray my trust."

IMO, anything regarding personal problems or interpersonal disputes that is said between romantic partners is to be considered private unless explicitly expressed otherwise.
I think there should be an unspoken (or spoken if need be) confidentiality agreement within a relationship... And if the other didn't say you could go ahead and talk to someone about it, you should keep it private. So I think that since he didn't do that, he DID betray your trust. You shouldn't have to say "but don't tell anybody" to your SO every time you have a problem.

Ceph,

I wouldn't call him the "white knight" type but he's definitely over assumed his place on this. I think he thinks that I can't handle issues with her or that its all been too much for me. which really isn't a fair assumption. I told him that he totally played the father role on me. ie. doing what you think is best for your child is completely different than what you think is best concerning a situation with your SO.

But yes, I told him and we discussed that even if he thinks he's doing the right thing he shouldn't just jump into doing it.

But again, he's still going to keep playing the "I did nothing wrong" card.

Ceph,

"IMO, anything regarding personal problems or interpersonal disputes that is said between romantic partners is to be considered private unless explicitly expressed otherwise."

That was EXACTLY what I said to him. I said, I should never have to say "don't say this to so and so"....

He's kind of new to how REAL relationships go. But still thinks his way is THE way.

I'd be concerned that convincing him that what he did was betraying and hurtful would be a Pyrrhic victory... Would the win really be worth the battle?
Maybe it would be best to say "what's passed is past, and I know you were only trying to help... but please be more aware of that I'd rather manage my troubles on my own and specifically ask for help if I need it"
I doubt you'll convince him that he did something wrong by talking to her about it, but perhaps it can still be prevented in the future?

I see what you mean Ceph.

I also wonder how do you not learn from previous mistakes or change your ways if you don't see the harm of what happened before.

But again, I see what you mean. And I really hope that it can work in the way you say.

He's proven that you can't trust him,
that he'll betray a confidence,
that he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of whether it's his place to do so,
that he will refuse to acknowledge that he was out of line...
& that he'll do it again.
& again.
& again.

Marry this man & you won't be a partner;
you'll be the little woman.

been there, done that, don't wanna go back, don't recommend it to anyone else.

I wish you the best.

sylvia

I sort of agree with Sylvia. If it were me, I would go to him, sit down and tell him "It really bothers me that you went and told her what I said. I feel like you don't respect my wishes when I specifically asked you not to tell her." and if he reacts with "I'm sorry, it won't happen again." then I'd give him another chance... If he gets defensive or makes excuses or tries to justify it, run like hell because he DOESN'T respect you already.

I don't understand why you talked to him about it AFTER he told you that he couldn't promise to keep it to himself. I suppose you can be upset that he wasn't willing to promise, but it isn't betrayal because he didn't promise you one thing and do another.

While technically it might not be "betrayal" since he didn't promise one thing and then do another, what he did was very damaging to his relationship with Keepit.

And what is of big concern is that he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was very wrong and for some people, it would be a deal-breaker.

It might be ok for him to attach a caveat about keeping a confidence with a co-worker, a neighbor or maybe a cousin as he goads them for information. But he is not in a partnership with these people. He is in a partnership with Keepit.

I agree with Sylvia. If you marry a man who does this, you won't be a partner. You'll be the little woman. What you want will be of no consequence as he will call the shots.

I would not let him off the hook on this. I think you need to get to the bottom of this with him, and do so with counseling or a heart-to-heart, or both. I would not accept this from him ever again and he needs to understand that you will not allow any caveats on confidentiality when it comes to anything you share with him.

I agree, not betrayel, as he wouldnt promise not to tell. But I also agree, this is a very controlling guy. If I didnt want something repeated, unless it involved public safety, etc., my friends wont repeat it. This guy does not ris to the level of a friend.

I could forgive someone if they said, I am sorry, it slipped out, etc. But this looks deliverate.

IMHO

I think everyone may be overreacting about this... What do we know about guys?? That they like to FIX things!!! They write books about this kind of stuff all the time! (men are from Mars, women are from Venus...) Women are listeners, men are fixers. It's sometimes very difficult to make a man understand that you don't want him to fix the problem, you just want him to lend his ear. I don't think this is a "control" issue. Obviously if there are other issues (different issues) in addition to this - then maybe, but if it's only the "fixing" issue I truly believe this is just a "guy" thing...

My own husband is a "fixer." His natural instinct is to fix my problems and my natural instinct is to get angry because I just want a sympathetic shoulder. Sometimes in a marriage, we just need to accept each others peculiaries and try hard to think of the other persons needs ahead of our own.

Trust is about a lot more than keeping explicit promises. Maybe technically he did not break a promise, that doesn't mean he didn't break your trust. He disrespected you by going behind your back to do something you'd specifically told him you didn't want him to do. I assume you trust him to treat you with respect or he would not be your SO? Well, he broke THAT trust, whether or not he broke an actual promise.

To make a more obvious example, I've never asked my BF to promise me that he will never hit me, and he has never explicitly made that promise. But I trust that he will not, and if he did, that would certainly be a breach of trust. (and he wouldn't get away with, but i never promised you i wouldn't do that so how can you say i broke your trust, blah blah...)

Maybe you can come up with some ridiculous example you haven't actually promised you'll never do, but he would see as a break of trust if you did. "well, honey, I've never promised you that I won't blow our retirement savings at a bar, so I guess it wouldn't be breaking your trust if I did, right?"

I can actually understand why he would want to fix the problem; she is his ex, you have to deal with her only because of him. I wouldn't want someone I cared about to have to deal with a negative situation caused by someone only because of me. Whether an ex causing problems, a friend of mine that didn't like him and was rude or whatever, my position would be my friend (or my ex, or my whatever) my problem, I'll deal with it you don't have to, you *shouldn't* have to. But I WOULD NOT disrespect someone by jumping in and trying to fix something I knew he wanted to handle himself. He shouldn't have done anything knowing you didn't want him to.

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lonepiper may be right, it may be more about needing to fix things than about control, but I do think he needs to respect your side of the issue, and that whole "I didn't break your trust because I didn't make a promise" is just total BS.

my BF never understands what I mean by asking him to just listen and not fixing it. He immidiatelly proceeds with the plan and explanation what i should do with every issue. No matter how many times I tell him: I am just sharing with you so you listen, I do not need help. It is helpess, i have learned to share less. Sad, but true.