School teasing question

17 years ago

My son has been saying for a while that my sd's friends tease him at school. They call him crazy and other childish names. I asked him what he does and he said he calls them nerds when they call him names. I told him that maybe he should just ignore them instead of keeping the teasing going.

Well this morning he was telling my sd that her friends are rude dorks. She began screaming at him. I told him not to talk rudely to her about her friends. And I told her that she needed to keep her voice down.

He told me that my sd has been joining in with her friends and calling him names at school. I told him just to ignore them.

I want to tell my sd that if her friends are teasing her brother she should either tell them to stop or at the very least not join in! I mean she defends her friends to him!! Why not defend him to her friends?? And I want to tell her that if her friends are the kind that enjoy teasing others then she might want to decide if these are the kind of people she should really hang out with.

What do you think? I know that siblings (even bio siblings)do not always get along. But I really feel like it is wrong to join in teasing at school. And if it were the other way around I would definately talk to my son and say the same things I want to say to my sd.

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Comments (11)

kkny
17 years ago
Mom2emall,

I am so sorry, for your son.

Could you give us ages?

I would suggest DH spk to SD, even if you might have only the appearance of favoring your own son. To me, unprovoked teasing is certainly uncalled for, and can lead to bullying.

I would also try to talk to DS, and find out -- is he coming up to SD friends or are they hunting him out. He shouldnt be afraid to go anywhere, but if this starts because the girls percieve he is annoying them, you can give him advice on not walking over to them.
nikemama
17 years ago
Yes, You should talk to SD and make sure that DH knows and better back you up. That is not cool. Having some of that with mine too. DH's kids are good kids but they think it is okay to call each other stupid. They will even call DH that when he is goofing but my 15S. Because of my EX abusive behavior calling him that will make him FIGHTING mad. I am talking REAL fighting not with words. You need to make sure that your DH knows or it can turn into a really big deal.
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jenny07, I always grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop too--it is an ad continum in my life and it is how I feel about most people given their selfish bent. Like you, I also was the youngest of 3 girls in my family. I've had people tell me that I'm hard to get to know, although I would describe these people as narcissists, endless self-promoters and self-talkers. I think these people just want to talk all about themselves. I'm don't consider myself quiet or hard to get to know around people who sincerely desire to get to know me, instead of taking every opportunity to incessantly talk all about themselves and their opinions or who just ask nosy, instrusive questions with a shallow and superficial focus and that is no incentive to get to know them either, but to run in the other direction. I don't consider myself hard to get to know, although I will say that I'm very discerning to who I reveal myself too. I think that is self-protecting and healthy, given the types of selfish, destructive people that I've encountered. None of these people ever take an ounce of responsibility for anything, instead they state that they didn't intend too. They don't apologize or take responsibility for anything period. The teasing that you describe happens in families filled with anger and hostility and teasing is a more socially acceptable way of demonstrating that, especially from people who deny their anger or who try to treat you as a receptacle for all their disowned emotions. I think your family did that to you. Forget about these people ever taking an ounce of responsibility for how it felt to you--that just will not happen. If they feel bad about it they will twist it into all about them and how they are imperfect and how they didn't mean too. That is their way to feel better about it and how they will rationalize their ugly behaviors. Those responses may have a grain of truth to them, but if you really look at that focus, once again it is all about them. They cannot relate to anything that you feel, in any, way, shape or form. I agree with you--no one should tease or laugh at their children at their expense or even other people's children--jus the same people do this all the time. A good many of these people are so unaware and oblivious and they may not behave this way to their own children, but will do so to others or actively search for other scapegoats and people to project their inappropriate and disowned emotions on. If you take a look around in your every day encounters with others and also on the internet you will find a lot of people who respond in rageful, hateful ways towards others. They want everyone to understand them and to relate to them, but they cannot relate to you. I've encountered that here in this forum as well--people so focused on their own anger and rage and getting their needs met at the constant expense of other people. I hope you will find other people that you will feel emotionally safe with. I think it quite rare to find people who are not excessively selfish and thoughtless. Take care of yourself! I'm glad you felt encouraged to speak out. I hope you will find people that desire to know you.
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lovehadley
17 years ago
I think I would definitely say something to SD and like nikemama said, have DH back you up.

My brother is 4 years younger than me and I do remember getting in trouble with my parents one time because I was teasing him at school.

We are really close now and I don't even remember what that was all about....I'm guessing I was about 9 or 10 at the time.
mom2emall
Original Author
17 years ago
My sd and ds are only about a year and a half apart in age. Because of how their birthdays fall they are 2 grade levels apart in school.

I just don't want to seem like I am playing favorites with the kids, thats why I came to you ladies for advice! Because I wanted to make sure I was not out of line in my thinking.
justnotmartha
17 years ago
Not at all out of line. SD needs to think about how she would feel if DS and his friends all ganged up on her and treated her in that way. I think you and DH need to talk to her, but also make sure DS isn't provoking it (not that it makes it okay if he is, but you want to make sure you have the whole story.)
gardenandcats
17 years ago
We used to call it teasing. But now its called bulling! Many school shootings come from children that have been bullied. Its time to put a stop to it..
mom_of_4
17 years ago
Personally I would have jumped her case the first time I heard about him being teased by her friends and her doing nothing about it. I would definately have a talk with her. I would tell her that he is her brother and we are a family and families do not do that to each other. She should be defending her family not joining in in teasing. There were many times when my brothers sister and myself didnt get along with each other growing up... but the rule of thumb for all of us was we can say whatever we want about our sibling but if anyone else says or does something mean they will have us to deal with. I would be very disappointed to here one of my kids allowing and then joining in teasing one of their siblings at school or anywhere else for that matter.

We have told the kids before... friends come and go but your family are the ones that will be there for you no matter what...your family loves you unconditionally...remember that while you are busy trying to be cool for your friends
disengaging
17 years ago
but the rule of thumb for all of us was we can say whatever we want about our sibling but if anyone else says or does something mean they will have us to deal with.

Exactly! Geez, we may have bickered with each other, but if someone picked on one of MY siblings, they were going down!
kkny
17 years ago
Disengaging -- stepsiblings may not feel like siblings - I think there are a number of variables. I still think OP should have her DH speak to SD and both parents should speak to their respective kids to get ot the bottem of whats going on.
mom_of_4
17 years ago
step or not you are still a family and I think it is more than important to teach your children that you just dont do that to family
imamommy
17 years ago
More than arguing what constitutes family or whether a person 'feels' like someone is a sibling or family member is irrelevant. Aren't we supposed to be teaching children how to treat others? Is it EVER okay for children to treat each other that way? What variables are there in acting like a decent human being? If my daughter were to see someone being treated badly or teased at school, she's the girl that jumps in to defend the picked on kid, even if she doesn't really like her much... because my daughter knows that isn't the way to resolve differences and it's just wrong to stoop to name calling or ganging up on someone.

What are we teaching our children? They aren't really your brother or sister so you can defend them if you want??? If they annoy you, then let them be picked on??? or better yet, if you really resent your parent marrying their parent, then join the other kids in teasing??? Would ANY of that be okay? Hell no. What freakin' variables ARE there???!!!

School teasing question

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School teasing question

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