My first thought was that maybe she wants to be supportive of your dad. I don't know if your SM is aware that you'd like to spend that time alone with your dad so maybe you can let him know & he can tell her?

I don't think it's highly unusual to offer or ask to go, even though she didn't know her. But it is really up to your dad to tell her that it's appreciated but not necessary because you'll be going. He may not know to tell her that if you don't let him know that it's important to you. Something to the effect of "I appreciate her kindness in wanting to go but I'd like to spend that time just the two of us".

"My first thought was that maybe she wants to be supportive of your dad."

I thought the same exact thing...that (by itself - apart from whatever other drama the OP / SM have going on between them) is not out of line one bit.

Do you think SM can go and not do the attention grabbing drama things she's been known to do? This service is not 'about her', it's about a precious childhood friend and meant for the friends and family of the woman. If me, and I felt in anyway that SM would distract from the purpose and respect the service deserves, I'd find another way to include her but not offend her.

I 'get' you'd like time to mourn and honor your friend in privacy (and rightly so), could you perhaps suggest just Dad and you do the service and then SM join Dad and you for dinner out (the three of you afterwards, giving her a change to visit and feel a part).

I had to stop a few minutes and refresh the relationship between Dad/you/SM. I might be wrong, but think it's possible the hesitation of having SM attend might be because you believe she might turn it into one of her 'me me me' moments? Otherwise, I can't really think it'd much matter if she attends. I'm sure there will be others there with family and friends that knew the woman little if at all. Going for these people would simply be a sign of respect and acknowledging the family/friends loss and showing the family/friend they'd be attending with support.

Grieving is a personal and private thing, Silver. I myself don't like to always open my feelings and share, it's not something I easily do. I don't think it would be out of line to visit the grave after the funeral before you fly home so you have a chance to privately 'tell' your friend how much she and her friendship meant to you and how all the memories of the relationship all remain alive with you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

I have two things I want to share.
1. A co-worker lost her husband A few weeks ago and the memorial was on Saturday. My husband attended with me even though he is not close to my co-worker and neither of us had met her husband. He went to support my co-worker and to be there with me united, as a couple.

2. My great uncle past on Saturday and the memorial is in a different state tomorrow. he is also my dad's Godfather and is the last living sibling of my grandmother. My mom and dad flew out today. My mom had only met my great uncle twice. Once at her wedding and at my grandma's funeral. My mon went with my dad as support and they went as a couple.

I'm sure that is how your sm sees it. She is going with your dad, her husband.

However, with the history of this stepmom I'm on your side. I wouldn't want her to go either but what can you do? You said you won't say anything to your dad about it so of she goes you will just have to have double shots at the bar and sit on the other side of your dad.

Gotcha... sure... that would be a reasonable assumption.

But I'm not dealing with reasonable. This is the woman who makes absolutely everything about her.

My family went to my ex-husband's mother's funeral. I had no objections. They'd obviously met, went to pay respects.

She's leaving her weekend spa retreat to drive out for the memorial. LOL. And then she'll drive back. I know what her intention is because of the way she phrased it:

"Can I go too?" instead of "I'd like to be there for you".

She knows it's some time we could spend alone together, as I'm flying halfway across the country to go to the memorial that this would be several hours I'd get to spend with my dad, who I haven't seen in months, and haven't seen without her in over a year. And when she's here, it's all about her.

As a result, my dad is trying to book other time he can spend with me, and I'm bitter because I don't want to give up my time with my friends just because he can't be away from his wife for a couple of hours. So he invites her, or lets her invite herself, to an event we could spend together.

It's fine. It's hard to explain. But there's no reason for her to go other than she wants to be a part of the event. NOT to show support. The woman can barely hold herself up.

Exactly - its all about jealousy of you and dad spending time together. I have no doubt my own dd will deal with this one day. If I were her, I would not be leaving my spa resort weekend. No offense but that makes it even more obvious what she is doing and what her 'goal' is. Ugh

Thank you Myfam. The spa is over 40 miles from the memorial too... and it should take her over an hour, closer to 1.5, to drive it. And why???

This is the woman, who when asking where I'd be staying when I got to my hometown...

...offered me the couch.

BWAHAHAHAHA

When she comes to my house, she has to have her own room. And it can't be shared with my dad. So he sleeps in DD's room on the trundle or on the couch, while she luxuriates in the guest room all by her little lonesome. And she needs special food, and and and and!! I accommodate. I have for the past 6 years. Prior to that, I told them they could you-know-what up a tree before I'd bend over backwards for her. And dad didn't talk to me for two years. So yeah, we have a history.

I told her thanks, but I'm staying with friends. Who have a guest room. That's already made up for me as they are so happy I'm coming to visit them. And I can eat whatever I want from the fridge, and flush the toilet after 10pm and make coffee when I get up in the morning rather than having to wait until SM gets up at 9am. First night there, my BF's DH is making dinner and taking care of the kids so we can sit on the patio and catch up. Not that he won't be right there, getting in on the fun :) but that's ok because we really get along good too. And they've offered for me to borrow a car, so I don't have to rent one. Tit for tat, I offer the same thing when they come to visit me. Because we're friends, and we love each other.

And my BF has offered to go to the memorial with me, or for me to use her car if not. She doesn't know deceased friend, but knows a heck of a lot more people who will be there so will be able to stand on her own, talking to people, rather than hanging on my arm all afternoon like SM will be to Dad.

It chaps my you-know-what.

"When she comes to my house, she has to have her own room. And it can't be shared with my dad.
And she needs special food."

"I told them they could you-know-what up a tree before I'd bend over backwards for her.
And dad didn't talk to me for two years."

Are you sure your dad isn't being mistreated/intimidated/isolated/abused?

This sounds creepy, like he's under her control.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, & I wish you, and youd dad, the best.

Silver I forgot about the coffee and the toilet flushing. If I had to wait until 10 for coffee someone would be in jail or ... Well dead.

Isn't she the one that made you drive to a store for special food because you didn't have what she wanted?

I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you! Lol

Hi Sylvia, no my dad's fine. He is aware of what's going on, and tolerates it, to a point. He's getting better at standing up for himself.

Thank you for your nice wishes. It means a lot to me.

Hi Myfam,
BWAHAHAHAHA yes... she is the one who I have to shop for on arrival. But someone suggested here that I NOT buy food for her (I used to do it in advance and then she'd find something wrong with it) and just drive her to the store. That worked great!! Although, and I have to laugh, she bought a six pack of eggs last time. SO funny to me. Who does that when there's the whole family back at the house? I would have just bought a 12 pack... but that's me. Yet she counts her bananas at her house. I ate one last time and although she didn't SAY anything... lol.

Just kind of a person who never has enough, even though she has a lot. It's sad, really. I have to just take a big mental step back, at all times, disengage, disassociate and breathe deep. And have gratitude that A) she's not my mother and B) she's not my wife.