You sound like my stepgrandma and my aunt. They both never had children of their own, but married people with children and granchildren!

My stepgrandma really fit into the role well and organized many family get togethers and days out with us kids. She was never one to "babysit", but was more into planning things. And she is very into planning "adults only" events as well. It works. Before her my grandfather was very distant from everyone, she really brought us all together and we love her dearly for it!

My aunt is not so kid friendly. You can almost see her cringe when younger children are around her and she openly admits she does not have the patience. She realld does not even know how to act or what to say around kids! My family jokes about that (but not in front of her). We do like her, but we just are not so close to her.

I guess you have to decide which type of person you want to be. I would suggest being like my stepgrandma if possible. How close is your dh to his kids and grandkids? Do they live nearby? Do you get along with them? And just out of curiosity...how old/young are you?
I guess all those things would factor in to the type of relationship you could have.

All I can tell ya is my mother would soooooooo trade places with you right now, just to have access to a grandchild! (For now --but not forever-- my motto is "Cats, not kids", so she has to wait a bit longer!)

The SGKs are the easy part. Think about it in the same way you'd be in the "Awesome Aunt" role if a sibling or good friend had kids: no responsibility for the not-so-fun aspects of having kids like heavy discipline or major clean-up; but all the fun of kids like spoiling them, taking them to the zoo, being there for many of their "firsts" and discoveries, buying them adorable socks, baking cookies, etc... And you're young so you have even more energy and can be even more in the "buddy" role. You can go rollerblading and go-cart-racing with them and stuff. Divest yourself of any sense of actual responsibility or authority over them (plenty of others to handle that stuff) and focus on how fun it could be.

As for the adult SKÂs, that's inherently going to be a bit awkward at first if they're close in age to you. It's just par-for-the-course that it's an adjustment for everyone. However I don't think it has to be any kind of doomed scenario at all! If everybody involved keeps a good balance between building bonds/being buddies but also not being SO buddy-buddy that you feel like siblings or become the best of friends so that it's wierd for them if you & their Dad crack a sex joke ('cause, let's face it, nobody wants to picture their parents doing the deed, esp. with someone who could've been their roommate in college or something) it'll be fine.

Maybe the best way to think of it is like a cousin relationship. Not siblings, but related, and sort of close in age range. Not best friends, but close enough to feel comfortable and have a sense of a family bond that isn't so tight it's suffocating. I wouldn't try to go out with the SK's *all the time* shopping or anything, but every once in a blue moon this sort of thing could be fun and a bonding experience. And if you start to get real close to the point that theyÂre confiding things in you, all I can suggest is donÂt EVER betray their trust if itÂs something they donÂt care to discuss with Dad and donÂt ever use anything they say against them in any way, or you will be The Enemy Witch. DonÂt stand as any kind of obstacle between them and their dad (at least within reason, to the extent that this is possible given certain circumstances and the fact that you and he will have your own lives), donÂt try to take all his money in the event of death or divorce and donÂt ever bring up their deceased mother.

These last few nuggets of advice may sound harsh or ominous, but itÂs simple, really, and the best advice I can give from an adult SD perspective. The main issue is just donÂt ever be something in their lives that dampens or drives a wedge between them and their Dad or makes them feel like their place in his life as their biological children is impinged upon unfairly. If you can somehow be an agent of *increased* closeness all the better. The main thing, I guess is attitude, all around. If youÂre excited and happy and positive about all these great new people in your new extended family, thatÂll be felt and will help tremendously. If, from the outset youÂre dismayed at having to "tolerate" or "yield" or "compromise" or "share", then itÂs best to get out now, because there will be a lot of sharing and extra people in your new life. That said, the attitude of the adult SKÂs is equally important in the give-and-take of the new relationship. They might very well not be so open or welcoming at first or forever, and thereÂs no way to REALLY know that just yet. So you also have to ask yourself how or if you can handle the more troublesome potentials of the new family.

Hopefully from reading many of these messages on this forum, youÂll be able to get a preview of the absolute worst that could be possible and think about, in advance, how youÂd handle some of these things. And again, itÂs not necessarily going to be troublesome at all! Stay positive!

All I can tell ya is my mother would soooooooo trade places with you right now, just to have access to a grandchild! (For now --but not forever-- my motto is "Cats, not kids", so she has to wait a bit longer!)

The SGKs are the easy part. Think about it in the same way you'd be in the "Awesome Aunt" role if a sibling or good friend had kids: no responsibility for the not-so-fun aspects of having kids like heavy discipline or major clean-up; but all the fun of kids like spoiling them, taking them to the zoo, being there for many of their "firsts" and discoveries, buying them adorable socks, baking cookies, etc... And you're young so you have even more energy and can be even more in the "buddy" role. You can go rollerblading and go-cart-racing with them and stuff. Divest yourself of any sense of actual responsibility or authority over them (plenty of others to handle that stuff) and focus on how fun it could be.

As for the adult SKs, that's inherently going to be a bit awkward at first if they're close in age to you. It's just par-for-the-course that it's an adjustment for everyone. However I don't think it has to be any kind of doomed scenario at all! If everybody involved keeps a good balance between building bonds/being buddies but also not being SO buddy-buddy that you feel like siblings or become the best of friends so that it's wierd for them if you & their Dad crack a sex joke ('cause, let's face it, nobody wants to picture their parents doing the deed, esp. with someone who could've been their roommate in college or something) it'll be fine.

Maybe the best way to think of it is like a cousin relationship. Not siblings, but related, and sort of close in age range. Not best friends, but close enough to feel comfortable and have a sense of a family bond that isn't so tight it's suffocating. I wouldn't try to go out with the SK's *all the time* shopping or anything, but every once in a blue moon this sort of thing could be fun and a bonding experience. And if you start to get real close to the point that theyre confiding things in you, all I can suggest is dont EVER betray their trust if its something they dont care to discuss with Dad and dont ever use anything they say against them in any way, or you will be The Enemy Witch. Dont stand as any kind of obstacle between them and their dad (at least within reason, to the extent that this is possible given certain circumstances and the fact that you and he will have your own lives), dont try to take all his money in the event of death or divorce and dont ever bring up their deceased mother.

These last few nuggets of advice may sound harsh or ominous, but its simple, really, and the best advice I can give from an adult SD perspective. The main issue is just dont ever be something in their lives that dampens or drives a wedge between them and their Dad or makes them feel like their place in his life as their biological children is impinged upon unfairly. If you can somehow be an agent of *increased* closeness all the better. The main thing, I guess is attitude, all around. If youre excited and happy and positive about all these great new people in your new extended family, thatll be felt and will help tremendously. If, from the outset youre dismayed at having to "tolerate" or "yield" or "compromise" or "share", then its best to get out now, because there will be a lot of sharing and extra people in your new life. That said, the attitude of the adult SKs is equally important in the give-and-take of the new relationship. They might very well not be so open or welcoming at first or forever, and theres no way to REALLY know that just yet. So you also have to ask yourself how or if you can handle the more troublesome potentials of the new family.

Hopefully from reading many of these messages on this forum, youll be able to get a preview of the absolute worst that could be possible and think about, in advance, how youd handle some of these things. And again, its not necessarily going to be troublesome at all! Stay positive!