How about some counseling to get to the bottom of this?

my ss10 is also very absented minded at times with homework...apparently its quite common for boys to be this way.
BUT the blankness and what you are describing to me is what happen to my friends son when he was 8 years old.
It turned out he had epileptic seizures. Very mild ones but they would produce this behaviour, of blank stare for minutes at a time with no response from him when asked questions.
Have you checked with a specialialist just to rule this out. Its important that you rule this out. He may be drawing a blank stare but doesn't even realize its happening to him. And age for this to occur is a his age.

What payoff is he getting? Does he frustrate everyone so much that he gets out of doing his work? What happens when he turns and walks away? Does anyone stop him? He is doing this because he has found it works for him. Is he seeking attention? Does he not understand his school work? Personally, my opinion is that ADD is blamed for too much and if he's been tested, then it's been ruled out. If he is selectively acting this way, it is because he gets something out of it. Counseling might help but we put SD in counseling for over a year and it hasn't really gotten to the bottom of anything. Of course, every kid & situation is different so it may work for you.

My suggestion is to implement a routine where he does his homework at the same time, same place every day with an adult supervising and checking his work. My SD is also in 4th grade.. claims to forget her work in her desk, only to find out she hasn't done it. She will say she did work, read her book, etc. but then we quiz her on what the book was about and always ask to see the work. Okay, don't ask. Tell. "bring me your work". If asking gets a blank stare and no response, don't ask. I assume he gets excited over other things... fun stuff?

Yesterday, my SD left her backpack on the bus. I called the school immediately & got the bus driver to hang on so it could be retrieved. Then, SD's report wasn't in it. She said it was in her desk at school, so off to the school to retrieve it. It takes A LOT of effort to stay on top of it. We also struggle with SD doing this because she wants attention and when she does it and we are following through, it IS giving her more attention than if she just did her work to begin with. When DH gets home from work, she wants to play games and hang out with him. What has worked for us is having her work on it alone at her desk before DH gets home. She used to wait until he got home & he would spend his entire evening 'helping' her... getting frustrated because she would make error after error. But, she had daddy by her side all evening. One evening, I noticed he was frustrated, running around looking for another eraser, the paper looked like it was going to fall apart and she was sitting on her bed humming. I was in the next room and saw this from afar. She was enjoying it... daddy was giving her all this attention and she could care less if her work got done. I immediately overstepped my SM bounds and went into the room and told DH to leave. We went to our room & I told him my opinion. He was just frustrated out of his mind. He said he just wants her to get it done. I went into her room and told her that daddy is not helping her anymore. If she NEEDS help, she gets ME. I told her that I think she knows how to do it, the teacher explains it in class and that if she wants daddy to spend time with her, she will get it done and THEN she can spend time with him. She brought me the paper about 10 minutes later, done with only one minor mistake. After that, the rule is "get it done before he gets home to spend time with him." and if she doesn't get it done, she can take it back to school undone & take the poor mark. But, she will spend the evening sitting at her desk staring at it, not playing games or watching movies or hanging out with daddy. She was also told by DH that if she fails 4th grade, she will be going to summer school here... so she won't be going to her mom's for summer if she has to do summer school, since her mom lives in another county.

I do not have any advice because i gave up on...

DD was very disorganized and still is. She constantly forgot her stuff, lost it, didn't know where it was etc. She didn't walk away when people talk but she often was too preoccupied wiht something else on her mind and would not hear anything. yes, stared in a space too. Still does.

she overgrew some of it but not completely, she is still somewhat this way. Well, she left for college again after Christams break and took the house key wiht her that she absolutelly does not need. I asked about 5 times: give me the house key, I need one extra. "It is in my purse I am getting it out." "wait, i am going to get it". She left wiht it, and now she said she changed her purses and cannot find it.

She also avoided doing homework every time she could.

Now the big difference is that DD did well in school despite all that. And does well in college. But it is only because she has much above average intelligence. If not that, she would certainly flunk school long time ago. Some people are this way. i never wondered about ADD because she did OK in school, but maybe she does have some of that.

PS she was also late for her flights for no reason several times in her life. Not almost late, but literally late so she had to sit and wait for the next flight. Forgot her ticket, didn't look up time correctly, lost her passport, didn't hear her alarm. etc Both I and X wonder...neither one of us is this way. Switched in the hospital..lol

Tell me about it. My DD will graduate from HS soon, but my DD forgot so many things, my joke is one day I would get a call from school, Mrs. Smith your daughter has left hear head at home, could you run it over.

You've had his ears checked? Lots of kids can have a problem with 'wax buildup' and having their ears medically checked and cleaned can really help. (And it's not so pleasant that they'll want you to do it again -- So they may listen better!)

Have you tried a timer? While tackling a large assignment can seem overwhelming, generally, completing a small amount of work in a small amount of time is easy to do. Maybe have a small reward set aside for successful completion. "If you can finish the top half of your math worksheet in five minutes, you'll earn some M&Ms." Set the timer where he can see it, and hang out in the periphery.

Can you just call his name first? That way, you might get his attention before he knows it's for a 'bad' request.

Or even pull the old 'bait & switch' -- "Want to play some video games?" pause for attention "As soon as you're done with your homework, you can play video games until dinner."

But mainly - You have to stop repeating yourself. That's a sure-fire way to teach him to ignore you whenever he wants to. Say it once - Good stuff especially. When I find my younger son drifting into 'ignore her' mode, I'll remind him that "I only say it *nicely* once. If I have to ask again..."

I have twin boys, one who is a firecracker, the other calm as a cucumber. They are in their 30's now, but I'm here to tell you when it came to do homework firecracker had it done well before it was due...our mr.cucumber, ah lawdy, I cringe thinking back to the struggles :)
And that "blank stare"? I know it well and do not miss the stuggles we had communicating with our cucumber. If he thought you weren't going to like the answer? He wouldn't answer. If he thought your feelings might get hurt, he wouldn't say a word. I could see him shut down right before my very eyes, it was like a veil. Nothing really "worked" on him, other than not forcing it. I had to learn to work with him, not against him, hoping he'd act like the other kids.
I describe him as cool as a cucumber, but that's not the truth of it, he was extremely sensitive, still is. He got used to people not believing in him, always disappointed that he wasn't responding in the manner they expected. Don't label him just yet, ask him to write down one way he thinks could help him to help you. Sometimes it's hard for them to put it into oral words.

Thanks for all of your suggestions, everyone! Many have suggested possible medical disorders...so yesterday I did a test...As of now my SS9 is grounded from TV and video games for a few days because he had 3 F's on his report card...and with school being out due to weather all of my 5 children were at home. Unfortunately, when they get out of school that doesn't allow me to get out of work. I work from home (marketing) and had to work 9 1/2 hours yesterday...So SS11 came into my office and told me that SS9 was watching TV in DS12's room. (SS11 is the tattler...lol!) I told him to ask SS9 to come to my office. SS9 comes in and I ask, "Where were you just now?" He went off into a stare. I asked again...this time saying "I've already asked once...this is time number 2...now please answer me. Where were you just now?" While I am speaking he is looking at me, but when it comes time to answer, he looks at the wall and starts staring. I said "SS9, what time did you wake up this morning?" He immediately answered "Around 7:00." I then say, "Oh...Ok. Has it been snowing outside?" He immediately says, "No, I don't think so." I then say, "Well, I wish it would snow!! If it's this cold it should be snowing!" He says "Yes, I know!" I then say, "I need to ask you a question...Can you tell me where you just came from before you can into my office?" He looks to the wall and stares blankly...

So this strongly leads me to not suspect that there is a medical condition involved here...well, not a physical medical condition anyway. Counseling was a part of what we did when we had him tested for ADD. I will add that his "official diagnosis" was "avoidance." Which brings me to another part...YES, many times he has gotten away with not having to do what he should because of the blank stares. And yes he has been able to just walk away...although if the question was "Did you feed the cats?" and he blank stared and then walked away, it was typically because he was going right away to feed the cats. He doesn't just go hide in his room. I have known my SS for almost 5 years now. I met him when he was 4 years old...and he has always been this way. It just wasn't until this week that I realized that he is doing this to OTHER adults...specifically teachers and the school principal.

While counseling is certainly a viable option, as we do have very good medical insurance, I am really looking for things that WE can do as PARENTS in our home. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think that far too often when our children misbehave or shuck their responsibilities, we are far too quick to run them off to a medical professional looking for seizures, built up ear wax or deep rooted nightmares.

With all of this said, iamamommy your response was dead on what I was looking for. Honestly, you have just really opened my eyes to a huge flaw in my mommy system. I ask too much. If I knew that he was in DS12's room watching TV, why didn't I just say so? Why did I ask him where he was? Better yet, why didn't I leave my office myself and go directly to DS12's room? I may have been in the middle of work but I spent more time with him in staring mode than if I'd just walked across the house myself and said "Excuse me, sir, but you are grounded. You need to find something else to do..."

The day turned out pretty well though...SS9 realized that life wasn't all about video games and TV. He did eventually say "I don't know what else to do that is fun..." and I suggested that he play his new keyboard that he got for Christmas or that he ask some of the other kids to play one of the many board games that have been collecting dust on he shelf. Three of the boys then got together for hours playing board games and broke away from their TV's and electronics for awhile...and they had a BLAST!

Any other suggestions I can get...things that I can personally do as a Mom...would be so appreciated...it is also a huge relief to see that we are not alone!

And deborah, your post has given me a lot to think about. Please understand that I, myself, learned a long time ago how to accept him for how he is. As mentioned, he has been doing this since I have known him...and whether he is labeled by me or not is a non-issue. The point that we have come to is that he may flunk the 4th grade because he is doing this with his teachers, peers and principals and because of this HE is suffering. Because this is an action he does at home and has done for many years without serious work on correcting the action, whose responsibility is it to try to correct this? It is ours, as parents. Perhaps this is a personality trait that cannot be overcome and all involved with him with have to learn to live with it and communicate with him on his standards...but considering he is suffering because of it, I think it would be neglectful of me not to at least try. Can you tell me some of the things you tried? I know you said that nothing really "worked" but perhaps it COULD work for my SS?

We set some very specific expectations with SS8. He knows that his homework is priority #1 when he gets home from school, and is not allowed to do anything else until this gets done. I'm kind of in his face about it, but he knows that as soon as he gets home he needs to take his work out and get it done. Plus, his school is really good about having the kids write down assignments in an assignment notebook and making sure that all of the handouts get sent home in a special folder.

Here is a link that might be useful: StepMammaMia

ahhh boys. Is your ss failing tests too? Do the teachers know if it is a question of whether he understands the material or is he goofing off in school, etc. Not depressed? Has friends? It seems like at this age boys start to form their cliques, and start that male ego crap. But don't expect him to tell you lol.
I went through this with my son, who is 15 now. I still get those blank stares and the turning and walking the other way lol.
I read the comic strip Zits....OMG....swear they are peeking in my window and spying on us. Very funny stuff, and lets you see that you are not the only one lol. Check it out sometime.

Thanks to all...so much! I didn't want to bring this up but it isn't only homework...it's really ANYTHING. Example: He took a bath on Monday...Tuesday night I told him it was time for a bath. My bad though...it was late and he fell asleep within minutes. No biggie. On Wednesday at 4:00 I told him again after homework was complete to take a bath...He asked "Now?" I said "Yes, now...so that you don't accidentally fall asleep later..." I was still working until 5:00. I left my office at 5:00 and went to fix dinner...had to do it quickly because SD14's gymnastic lessons are at 6:00. Dinner was complete by 5:30 and SS came into the kitchen. Still had the same clothes on. NO bath. I take SD to gymnastics, go by the grocery store with the other 4, pick SD up and come back home...and again say "Go take a bath right now." He says ok and leaves the room...comes out with his clean clothes and heads towards the bathroom. I go to comfort the hubby who discovered that the company he works for is closing next week. When I go in to check on the kids I notice SS9 is asleep and has the same clothes on. The clean clothes are on the floor. NO BATH. Same thing on Thursday. But this time I say "take a bath today or you WILL be grounded for a day." I have to work again until 5:00...come out and go to fix dinner. NO BATH and since it's Thursday, it's guitar lessons for 2 of my other sons at 7:00. AGAIN tell him to take a bath as soon as we get home from taking the boys to lessons. He gets his clothes and goes to the bathroom. Guess what? Yes...NO STINKING BATH. I even stood outside the door and told him I wasn't leaving until I heard the water running. He apparently just hung out in the bathroom long enough to make it look like he was going to take a bath and then left the room. Friday was "drive 3 hours to visit with Mom for the weekend" day so there was no time to take a bath then because we leave for the long drive as soon as the kids get home from school.

This child listens to NOTHING at all and does NOTHING that he doesn't want to do. I'm sure not going to bathe the kid myself...but he will NOT listen to me at all. I have 4 other kids, a big house to clean and a full time business...it is getting VERY frustrating having one kid who refuses to do anything...from homework, to bathing. yes, of course, the other kids sometimes have to be told twice or maybe even three times...but honestly and truly this kid will do NOTHING.

I'm obviously VERY frustrated right now.

I think you and your husband are going to have to start having consequences for him every time he doesn't do something or pulls a "don't hear you" routine. And you're going to have to follow through even when it's inconvenient or difficult to do so. Even if it means waking him up and making him take a quick bath because he fooled around earlier in the day. Even if it means seeing him unbathed at dinner and saying, "You haven't taken your bath. Go take it now, you'll have to eat your dinner cold afterwards." The reason he's not doing stuff and pretending he can't hear you is because he gets away with it. You have to treat every time the boy doesn't do what he's asked as a "biggie."

Also, this is something your husband is going to have to follow through on 100%, too. You and he are going to have to act as a team if you're to address this problem without undermining each other and without penalizing the other kids.

What's the stepson's currency? What's he doing instead of doing homework/taking a bath/etc.? Games, television, toys, reading, having friends over? What are the things he gets to do outside the house that are optional? Does he like to go to friends' houses or play sports? Cut off his access to the things he likes and wants to do and tell him that getting access back is conditional on his doing what he's supposed to do. And be prepared for him being resistant, angry, whining, and complaining until he learns that you and your husband mean it and aren't going to bend. So far, what he's learned is that you guys bend all of the time-- you have to change that or you'll get nowhere.

I'll probably get bashed a little for this suggestion: Are you fixing his dinner? Can you tell him that he can take his shower before dinner and if he comes to the table without his bath, tell him "sorry, you need to go take your bath first & I'm checking to make sure you are clean". You aren't denying him food, he can eat when he's done with his bath. I can't imagine a kid going several days without a bath... yuck.

Kids want and need things from the adults. We can't deny them basic necessities, but we can refuse to give them what they WANT if they refuse to do what we want (or they need to do, like bathe or homework) Getting into a power struggle with a kid (or kids) is frustrating and really, kids only have as much power as the adults give them. When I hear a parent arguing with their kids, I shake my head. I'm talking about little kids, not teenagers that do have more independent thinking and control over their lives than little kids do. With young kids, we make the final decision so what is there to argue about? Let them protest but I have seen parents get into full on arguments where they are trying to reason, negotiate or justify their decision to a little kid. "No." is a complete sentence. "because I said so" is a reason.

OP, he is doing this because he can and he is still getting what he wants... you are busy with work and kids... you get frustrated and he falls off the radar and with a bunch of kids, it's easy to get sidetracked and he wanders off to fall asleep, etc. I would suggest a routine for everyone and maybe a shower schedule that might be easier to keep track of everyone. It just sounds like you (and/or your husband) are too busy to be consistent and follow through, which is really what needs to be done. He has learned that nobody is going to follow through with him and he's getting away with it so why should he do anything differently? Trust me, I had 3 kids and for many years, I had 6 kids and it was tough to keep track of who brushed their teeth or took a shower or did their homework and it take A LOT of time and organization on the part of the parents. I'm sure not everything got done as it should have because I too, was guilty of being very busy and not following through or being consistent. But, I never had a problem with one kid in the group, refusing to do anything I ask.

Sovra, if I had seen your response, I would have just written "what sovra said!" haha

imamommy,

I totally agree with your comment about to many things blamed on ADD.

I see things on here and on tv and its all this ADD stuff. Most of its lack of discipline.

If my parents asked me a question and I just stared into space I can assure you that wouldnt be the case for very long. My eyes would have rolled down a flight of steps. LOL.

Not saying that is the problem here because I dont know that. Just a thought.

HNW, my husband and I were having a conversation with SD the other night at dinner. We were talking to her about lying and how keeping secrets is similar to lying. She looked at us and asked us if we know what a zone is? I was puzzled but DH said 'what do you mean?' and she explained that zoning is when you stare at something and DH goes 'oh yeah, you mean like spacing out?' and she said yes. She then went on to tell us that she does that sometimes and DH said everyone might do that at times. THEN, she started staring off into space. I looked at her and laughed, I said what are you doing? She said "oh! I zoned!" and I told her 'yeah right!'

That's when I realized she's really an amateur... if she has to explain she's gonna zone to ignore us.

You guys are so dead on...honestly though you have hit on the biggest problem in my house. It is very difficult to bring everything together. I can totally agree that SS9 does this because he keeps getting away with it. He is currently grounded from video games (his favorite hobby.) I picked him up from his visit with Mom and when we got back my DH talked to him about not listening. Told him NO video games but TV is okay. I helped him study for a science test and then we also both told him to go directly to the shower. He said "I will, I promise and I'm going to take a bath EVERY day so that I don't forget." Ten minutes later we go in to make sure he is bathing and he is asleep. Oh my, my my...

DH's approach is usually a "I have no idea what to do!" and then just dropping it. Honestly, from what I understand his ex always dealt with most of the issues concerning discipline. (Lucky me.) Typically I just talk to him about it enough and DH eventually deals with the problem. But I have to step it up now. Some big changes are occurring in our household. My DH's company is closing the location that my husband has worked at for years now, however they have offered him a position making twice what he makes now at their corporate location. More money, YES! But now there is a commute. In fact, there may be nights he does not come home at all. Considering BM is 3 hours away and DH will not be here most of the time, I am going to have to stop leaning on him to get things accomplished.

I know I CAN do it...but it isn't easy because my stepchildren tend to want to call BM and "tell on me" every time I try to step up to the plate. As long as we are just baking cookies and going shopping things are good. The second that I say "that's it...turn the TV off...you are doing your homework now" the cellphone comes out.

Don't get me wrong. I love my stepchildren to death. But I often find myself between a rock and a hard place. And with DH's upcoming increase in absence, I'm really afraid it is going to be quite stressful.

Well, if BM is 3 hours away, what is she going to do? Pitch a fit and then what? Is she going to drive 3 hours to 'rescue' her son from taking a shower or doing his homework? If you told her he is refusing/failing to do his homework or take a shower, what would SHE say? My SD likes to 'tell on me' and she's even gone to the extreme of telling mom I hit her, which I have never laid a hand on her.

If DH delegates authority to you, he should support you in your effort. The rules should be clear, as well as the consequence for breaking the rules. They should be consistent. And my rule for SD is she can call her mom but I have told her that her mom does not make the rules in our house, just like we don't make her mom's house rules, so it will do no good to tell her mom because it only results in her mom being upset because she's upset and her mom can't change the rules or consequences. If she asks to call her mom immediately after she gets in trouble for something, the answer is No, you can call your mom when you aren't so upset. If she is upset over something else that mom should comfort her for, then yeah she should call her mom. But to complain about the rules, NO.

To my face, BM would say "you need to listen to your step mom!" But behind my back she will talk about me. BM is SO sad. Very manipulative and two faced. I don't trust this woman for a second.

I have already stepped it up tonight. SS9 did not get to play video games yesterday because he didn't take his shower on Sunday (and didn't listen last week several times.) He has been working very hard on bringing his grades up and even an award today for doing so well in math! As a reward, I lifted his punishment. And he DID bathe today with me asking. I'm not totally psycho over the bath thing. If he misses a day I don't freak out. But he MUST take no less than 5 a week, IMO.

The calling BM thing to "tell on me" is really like fighting a losing battle. For years now (whenever she is asked to do something she doesn't want to know) SD has announced that she is calling BM. About a year and half ago, there was an incident where SD's room was trashed and I had been telling her for a week to clean it...and she would immediately call BM rather than doing what she was told. After several days of this she went to use the phone after being told to clean her room and I told her she was not allowed to call anyone at all until her room was clean. At the end of BM's next visit, SD returned with a cellphone which BM pays for. BM told me she bought it so that she could have free "in" calling. But told the skids that she bought it so they could call whenever they wanted.

But I'm not blaming my SD so much for this behavior. I'm blaming the adults in her life. If I let her get out of cleaning her room for a week because she might "tell on me" she will keep manipulating me. If BM will buy her a cellphone when she doesn't get to call one time when SHE wanted, she will take it and call whenever she wants.

It seems a lot of this would be remedied if there was a wake up call among ALL adults involved in this situation...MYSELF included...