I hope it's not shoe size - if I had to memorize all six of their shoe sizes, I'd be in trouble.

"Heck, you can see your child everyday and be no more "involved" in their life than your neighbor is."

JNM, I'm glad you mentioned that because it's SO true. I lived with my mom full time she was clueless about me. I used to envy my neighbor because sometimes her mom would pick her up from the bus stop and give me a ride as well (in a rural area, we used to walk about a mile down a dirt road to our homes) and her mom would always ask her 'how was your day?'. I was NEVER asked about my day from my mom. (My dad was a lot more involved with us kids than my mom ever was, even after they divorced) But, I had an aunt that used to call me up occasionally and ask me what's going on in my life and I really felt like she cared more about me than my mom. So, that's very true that even someone that doesn't see their child very often, but is 'interested' in their life is much more involved parent than one that is just there physically.

and theotherside, if you had one of your children in your care and custody and wanted to take them shopping for a pair of shoes (or clothes) and picked up your phone to call your ex to ask him their size is, I'd think there was something wrong with you..... or that you were just looking for a reason to call your ex??? On the other hand, if your ex had the children and you wanted to go get them something and were not sure of their size (which I have ALWAYS known what size my kids wear except when my son stayed with his dad for a few weeks on vacations where he might have grown a bit) then that's a different story. DH has gotten calls from her asking what size she wears in shoes, dresses and pants. And she always has her DD with her at the time, so maybe she's more concerned with just finding a reason to call DH. If that's the case, it only makes her look like an idiot or a parent that knows nothing about her child. It's really stupid and irritating, but maybe that's her goal? I haven't been able to figure out why a mom would call up dad to ask when she has the child with her. Maybe you can shed some light on it???

ima, I'm sorry your mother was so detached.

Mine was similar;
the only time she knew what was going on with me was when someone else told her.

Thank goodness my school had vision tests when I was in 6th grade;
otherwise I never would have known that it was possible to see actual leaves on a tree instead of a green blur!

& when my brothers were in Little League, their coach bought their uniforms & picked them up & brought them home for every game.

At the time, I took it for granted that it was "normal", it's just the way things were.

When I reflect on it today, I'm astonished that a parent, or anyone, could live in the same house with anyone else & still manage to be that disconnected.

thank you-know-who & the great universe for the decency & kindness of other people.

I ask all of them each day including hubby... "how was your day? or how was your weekend?"

Usually not a big deal they answer we talk and just to have a decent conversation before life kicks in ... do your homework eat your veggies blah blah blah....

I ask the kids the same thing when they come back from mom's(his 3) and dad's (my son). How was your weekend do anything fun... my son will give me the highlights...

With hubby and my son .. I do not feel like I am butting in ... but there are days I feel like I am intruding on the kids like I am being nosey I guess is a good way of putting it.

They are often guarded in their answers ... I am really not prying just want to "welcome" them home. I do it afterschool all the time and don't feel guilty about just sundays when they come home from mom's.

I found that it works best to tell SD "I hope you had a fun time over the weekend" instead of asking her "how was your weekend" That way, she knows I care but I'm not inquiring about her time with her mom. It is different than when they come back from dad's, because I never had that problem with my son either.

X asked me recently for suggestions what to get for DD's 20th birthday. he wanted somehting memorable. His suggestion was jewerly like pendant with a diamond. DD doesn't wear jewerly especially not this kind , loses everything, is in college living with 6 other people in a three bedroom apt. Diamonds? I can't call X uninvolved, maybe just being a guy not understanding...But it strikes me that he doesn't know her the way i do. It would never occur to me to get her diamond jewerly, she wears $5 ones from Clair with skull or other crazy stuff on it. She wouldn't weat fancy pendant even if she would get it for free. It is just not her..

My sister etc. ask me all the time is DD ready for good jewelrey. The answer is NO. She is a nice kid, but loses things. I say buy her cheap fun stuff. If really pushed, tell X to add to her college fund etc.

I am sure that both my exH and I would just measure their feet if we wanted to buy them shoes. After all, you are presumably already going to the shoe store. He has called me to ask for information about some activity they are involved in, even when he could just ask them - sometimes getting info out of a teenager is like pulling teeth.

Sometimes the most memorably gifts involve thought, not money. Is there is book that would mean a lot to her. My mother did a needlepoint for me that had my proffession all over it.

"I am sure that both my exH and I would just measure their feet if we wanted to buy them shoes. After all, you are presumably already going to the shoe store. He has called me to ask for information about some activity they are involved in, even when he could just ask them - sometimes getting info out of a teenager is like pulling teeth."

I was asking if you have any insight on why mom would call dad to ask him what size her DD wears, when she has her DD with her and they are going shopping for something? I understand your kids are teenagers, but her DD is 8. It just makes no sense to me.... It would make sense to me if she didn't have the child and was going shopping for something and called to ask.. but when she has the kid with her????? C'mon.

I frankly do not know what is exact DD's shoe size, it depends on a shoe style. Same with clothes size, she lost a lot of weight since she started college. I don't think that not knowing clothes or shoe size is such a big deal. half the time I don't know my sizes, my weight flactuates. One can know all kind of sizes and still be a bad parent. Depends on a priority. I know what books DD reads and what grade she got on her recent assignment and what she did last weekend (on the most part).

This is a good point... Sizes vary (I have everything from a 00petite to a 5tall in my closet and I'm 5'4" and between 110 and 115 lbs).
The variance between sizes makes it even more strange that anyone would call the other parent to find out a size when the child is with them to try it on. I shop for my niece a fair bit: so I call my brother to find out her size if my niece isn't with me. But if she is with me, then I just hold things up to her or have her try them on.
I agree that is seems like Mom is just looking for a reason to call.

On a somewhat related subject - I want to briefly gripe about something!
My BF doesn't do any of A__'s clothes shopping because what he picks apparently isn't up to BM's snuff (he doesn't buy fancy brand names)... For awhile he used to buy some clothes to keep at his place, but whenever A__ went back to his mom's in them, she wouldn't return them, and that just got too expensive and frustrating. Plus, she said it was silly for my BF to buy clothes when A__ outgrows them so quickly. So they agreed a change of clothes would be sent with A__ each time he comes over... But she almost never sends anything!
We had him from Friday afternoon to Sunday night a few weeks ago and she didn't send any clothes (not even socks and undies), even though it was specifically requested earlier in the day. So A__ spent most of the time we were at home in pajamas and just put on the proper clothes for when we were going out because we didn't want him wearing the same clothes for 48 hours.
WTH? Who tells the other parent not to buy clothes and then doesn't send clothes? Why would you want your kid to wear the same clothes for 48 hours? This is frustrating for me!

I used to buy inexpensive clothes at K-Mart & such, but that became a problem;
kids would appear on the doorstep in worn-out clothes with sagging elastic, food stains, rips & tears.

One day I held up a pair of worn-out yellow terrycloth shorts that were so thin that you could see daylight through them, & they looked like girls' shorts, & asked their father what store they came from.

He never had seen them before.

Their mother was buying the worst second-hand trash so I'd buy new.

(Their father never bought them, or anybody, much of anything.)

so I started keeping "nice" garage sale & thrift store clothes at the house & ex just counted items coming & going-
2 pairs of jeans & 2 tee shirts in, 2 of each out.

sad.

but the kids were small, they never knew.

oh me oh my... that sounds exactly like BM over here. When the kids were living with us full time we would send over enough clothes pj socks etc for the entire time that they would be at her house and then one extra just in case... When the kids would come home almost no clothes would come back ... it was ridiculous and got to the point where we had to write everything down just to make sure we got the stuff back. Now that she has taken the kids back (a whole other story) She NEVER sends any clothes. Even over Christmas break when we kept the kids for the entire two weeks we asked for clothes... Do you know what was sent ... one pair of pants each and no jackets of any kind no shirts no nothing... three pair of pants two of which were all holied up and really not wearable. She never sends anything even when we ask over and over again for the clothes. So, we ended up having to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes for the kids (since when she decided to take them back she didnt have anything so we "had" to send over all of their clothes) Now, whatever they came over in is what they wear home to the last sock and shoe. They have a whole bunch of clothes at our house that they can change into and wear all day long if they want but when it is time to go home.. they have to change and put on the clothes that they wore over to our house. It is frustrating for us and the kids because there are certain things like the new dress and boots that I bought for SD that she really wants to take home and wear to school. But, as with the last pair of boots I bought her and every other clothing item that has been sent home and requested back... it will somehow get lost. Although I will never understand how you can completely 'lose' that many clothing items but whatever...

that is another problem with the clothes and BM... I was/am sick to death of seeing the kids dressed like bums simply because she is too lazy to "find" their clothes. I bought all of the kids new clothes for school and shoes for each. But, as of the second day of school the kids were in old jeans that were so torn up at the bottoms that the hole went half way up the leg. Not to mention repeatedly putting the kids in the wrong size clothes. Just the other day the middle son came over in pants that were so tight and short the looked like capries (sp) and she always puts the oldest in the middle's underwear which are so tight they leave red rings around his mid section. Everytime we asks why are you wearing that ... the answer is almost always the same "I tried to tell mom but she said she didn't care just put the clothes on that she gave us" It is ridiculous. I will never understand how you can send your child out looking like that... aside from how it reflects on you... kids are mean... they will be picked on.. and it is not like you don't have clothes... you do!! I bought them!!