Thank you lazydaisynot. I know which topic prompted you to write this and I didn't have the guts to say anything. But it needed to be said.

I've been on the receiving end and I could only shake my head at the preposterous presumtion that money grows on trees for everybody.

I agree 100%.

Example: Poster perhaps has a maximum of $100 and asks about the proper paint or color for their tired old oak cabinets and someone responds "don't waste your time and money - they are still going to look like painted oak". Duh! Some of us don't mind oak grain.

Example: Or perhaps a poster wants to freshen up their outdated kitchen and can only afford paint, window treatment, perhaps a cheap new flooring and "we" tell them to save their money until they can do a TOTAL KITCHEN RENO because the "layout is awful and is never going to work". They may NEVER be able to afford a total reno. On the other hand, that could be good advice if the OP says she is PLANNING a total reno in 2-3 years.

I'm just the opposite...I figure if I'm posting here and asking for advice, anything I post is fair game....and often the responder will see something in the room that I hadn't noticed and is easily fixed. Or if not, maybe something I can consider in a long-term game plan or something to consider for the next place. I am also free to ignore advice. I recognize that not everyone's taste is the same and what some love, others hate. Especially since, as is so often the case on these threads, someone will ask a question and the responses include a) yes do and b) no don't. So the OP will have to consider the responses and make his/her choice anyway.

Sometimes someone rules something out because, eg, their DH says no, and perhaps if they get enough responses in a particular direction, they may be able to overrule which is what their original goal was. It all depends.

I wouldn't dream of opening my mouth in someone's home, but if they ask for my opinion, I will certainly make suggestions. And I will make suggestions about things they hadn't asked about if I see something that I think can work. I'm nice about it, and if they show signs of disagreement, I back off. But if they don't want to know what I think, they shouldn't ask.

I also feel that the OP has a responsibility to be clear in their communication if they want to get the most out of the idea exchange, so they certainly can repeat the point, "No that is out of the question. I need to do something besides that."

But always it should be done with courtesy and respect.

This post was edited by AnnieDeighnaugh on Thu, Jul 25, 13 at 15:19

When I posted more, I did try to stick to the topic at hand.

But in the defense of those that post "off topic" , or answers that are "non-responsive" to the initial question, sometimes it is hard to ignore something else that is either a glaring issue, a different and sometimes cheaper approach to the problem, or something that is related to the problem.

The OP may be asking about what needs to be done to work with a certain paint color, and it would be more expensive to work with it than it would be to repaint.

I once had a client asking me all sorts of questions about how to repaint the interior of a built in hutch and where to find more majolica and things to fill it without spending too much money (she had just bought a number of pieces to put in it.... and one of the doors on the bottom was split in half and hanging by one hinge.

I told her that she needed to fix the broken door first or it didn't matter what the rest of the room even looked like, because no matter how much majolica was in the upper part no one would even notice it with the bottom door busted in half. (Actually what I wanted to tell her is that she needed to get a divorce and call the police the next time her husband went on a destructive rampage, but she needed to figure That out on her own---she did.)

She was not happy that I chose not to ignore the damage and answer the question, but I can't feel that I was wrong, in that case.

And there are rooms in here like that, where the poster is ignoring the elephant in the room and asking about something else.

I try to broach the subject by saying "I know you didn't ask, but...have you ever thought of_____".

But there are other posts that I completely ignore, and I am sure others do too, because the OP is not interested in anything other than the specific answer to a specific point, or even don't really want an honest opinion, just validation that whatever they've done is awesome...and I think those types of posters miss out on good advice.

When I ask for advice and I get off-topic or non-responsive replies that I am not interested in, I ignore them or thank the poster in general terms and move on. But, on the other hand I have been given ideas and thoughts that I hadn't considered, too

I hope I don't do that. Seriously. If I do, please call me out on it. I try to start off my posts with something positive, because there always IS something positive to say. I kick myself when I forget.

Some of us, including me, will never, ever, ever have the budget, time, or talent that others do. I am OK with that . . .for awhile I stayed away because I felt like I had nothing to offer (I defer to people who have all/some of the above). Now I don't care. I like looking at and appreciating what others do at any budget and practicing my design skills, minimal as they are.

I posted for ideas on the FP board . . .I gave some choices and said my budget was really limited, and this would be something to improve it for now. One of the responses that I got was that I just needed to completely redo it. I deleted my post since it was just wasn't helpful to me. I know it was said with good intentions, however.

I have also gotten comments about how my FP is the classic example of ones that should be painted (because it is so ugly). Call me crazy, but in certain lights, I like my FP. I'll never love it as-is, but I have to make the most of it . . .

I also like brass, oak, peach, and my dark trim. Probably not too typical of my age group! (I'm 39.)

Pal and Annie, I don't think any of your comments (which are ALWAYS helpful) fall into what the OP is referring to.

There is no harm in suggesting re-arranging furniture or raising a curtain rod, or repairing a door. For example, I asked for wall color suggestions and someone pointed out that the ceiling was a problem. This was very helpful to me, and completely within the scope of the project. Very different from, "What color should I paint my cabinets?" with the response being, "There is no hope for your cabinets. Don't bother unless you can completely redo your kitchen." (Not said exactly this way . . .)

However, I must admit that in GENERAL I do not find any problems on this board that the OP sees. I find that when people want help, they get it. When they show off a finished project, they get praise (not suggestions). In general, I think people are pretty positive here, and so full of knowledge. I feel like I should be paying people when I get responses.

Lazydaisynot,

Thank you for making some very good points. We all need to be aware of the differences, both aesthetical and financial.

Sometimes, we need to recognize that people mean well by offering their ideas but they come from a different social/economic situation than the OP. Their comments might help expand the OP's perspective and help him/her think outside the box. A polite and considerate tone is key.

There's a good tradition among posters at a writing critique board I participate in. When critiquing an OP's writing, people often sign off with "Feel free to use my suggestions or ignore them."

I think it also makes a difference whether the poster is a first time poster, who has no idea about the personalities of participants here, their talents or particular style. Someone who has just found this site while looking for rooms with their potential paint color is different than more seasoned posters, some of whom have thicker skins than others about unasked for advice.

I think AnneD and Pal are always kind in their replies whether it's the asked about issue or not. Some others, like some the recently referenced thread, did not seem kind. I think an observation prefaced with a "have you ever thought about..." can open the door to a discussion about something that was not the asked about issue.

I remember a fairly recent thread where someone was asking about the BRAND NEW paint color and roof coordination and hints for making them work together, if folks didn't think they already worked well. Someone actually said it wasn't going to work and they should have it (the whole house!) repainted! Really, what world do YOU live in? Oh, if only that were an option for many...surely not on my income. Perhaps if the respondent had made a suggestion for changes on a future paint job, it would have been helpful.

I had an experience like this at home. DH and I had lived in our house for 15 years or so, and had gone through a couple of bathroom wall changes (wallpaper to sponged paint). My Mom offered to help paint the bathroom, and when I asked "What color should we choose?" his reply was "First we have to get rid of that horrible vanity top!" I wasn't familiar with that color...

He was exactly right - but I had lived with the counter for so long that I no longer saw it, and forgot how much I hated it. We ended up gutting the bathroom, making it a much more appealing space - but spending far more than the $60 gallon of paint that I had planned!

I think we can all find ourselves guilty of not seeing the forest for the trees, and it can be very useful to have someone point out the obvious - as long as it's done politely.

Thanks for pointing this out. I have to admit that I'm guilty of saying that painted oak will frequently look like "DIY painted oak" unless it's done with proper preparation and care. However, I feel that overall people are very helpful and constructive on this board. (I take it you're not spending a lot of time on the buying and selling board :)

Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses; and for not telling me that my kitchen lay-out is horrible (it is, but thankfully you didn't know that).

Anele, no, I certainly didn't mean you! Pal, I had you in mind when I was writing -- in a positive way, I mean. I wanted to reference those contributors who are professional and/or learned in the area of design. In my experience, those posters (including you) with design backgrounds are very adept at offering suggestions and providing reasoning to back them up in a way that is neither offensive nor arrogant. I've always found your contributions to the forum extremely generous and valuable. It's helpful to know if a certain change, for example, won't achieve the desired intent. You're able to anticipate and help posters avoid missteps. Your wry humor is an added bonus. I'm mostly a lurker but I've missed your presence lately.

There is one particular thread that was troubling me. Oakley -- yeah, ugh. It was more like the type of situation that Tuesday described, above.

Thanks, all, for allowing me to vent. I certainly agree that, in general, people are very helpful and positive.

I haven't been reading this forum for a week or more, so I may have missed the thread that prompted this post. I sure hope my comments don't offend!

When it matters (and when doesn't it?), I do wish original original posters would reference their budget -- not necessarily in dollars, but in broad stroke. It can be hard to read between the lines sometimes. I know I got it wrong on one post where the OP's tone (at least as I read it) sounded like someone for whom money was not an issue.

I hope I haven't offended either, never meant to. I know one poster asked for alot of help, then seemed to get testy when people responded! That was confusing, ha ha. I hope we all are considerate.

Daisy, this has been an ongoing topic of discussion thru the years, both here as well as just about any forum you become a member of. I always thought most people used their common sense and if something sounded offensive, it probably was. Problem is, there are degrees of sensivity or INsensivity. I feel I'm of a more sensitive nature, so usually reread my post to see if it sounds insulting, crass, blunt, or any one of two dozen words that can be misconstrued as hurtful. It does seem there are always those who *do* go out of the way to deliberately be hurtful or just don't care if they do, but hope those are few and far between.

Like others, if I have overstepped my boundaries, and caused hurt feelings, I deeply apologize. I may have been having an off day myself, and you just happened to get caught in the crossfire. I guess those are the days we should re-think whether it's a good idea to even post on a thread. ;o)

Thank you for posting this. I hope I have never hurt a poster's feelings. I have seen some replies that border on cruel but few and far between.

When I started my kitchen I stumbled across GW. I posted about my excitement over the faucet I fell in love with and was immediately upbraided by a person who thought I was looking to justify spending more than I thought a faucet should cost. The person had no idea at all what my financial condition was but assumed I couldn't afford it and was being irresponsible to consider spending that amount. I was quite surprised by the slightly venomous tone but was fortunate enough to get many other wonderful responses.

I love this website and hope that we all will try to be kind and thoughtful when replying but still be able to voice our opinions.

Being thick or thick skinned shouldn't matter. No one should be told they have "thin skin" so a poster can justify their insensitive post.

When posters ask about something specific, they should never be told to make a huge and expensive structural change to a house, when that wasn't what they were asking.

I'm glad this was brought up, I think we all need a gentle reminder every so often.

Patty made my point-this is something that is raised periodically, and it always seems that the poster is upset about the 'increasing amount of' whatever negative thing the person is noticing.

I have no idea to what topic the OP is referring. So for me, and perhaps for many others, there isn't any increase of anything anyway. If you happen to open, follow or participate in a heated conversation it probably seems overwhelming. OTOH if you don't, either by choice or happenstance, online life seems to roll along quite placidly.

Guess I'm a jaded veteran of way too many years of participation in online forums and discussion groups because the periodic policing posts (wow, such alliteration on a Friday!) are same old same old to me.

Now back to our regularly scheduled soul searching :).

This topic comes up with predictable regularity. In general, I agree with Annie and Pal. Lately I tend to not answer posters who have an "either / or" question that I would answer with "neither."

Also hoping that my replies did not ruffle any feathers ....sigh

May I also add that I do appreciate when ANY of the OPs come back and join in the continuing discussion about their topic AND any other ones of course!!

.... and REALLY appreciate anyone that returns with any Before-and-After photos! :)

I find it hard to reply to a post when the only response they want is in answer to "will this work? etc."

When the answer is no, it won't work unless you throw out everything in the room and start over. And, no, it won't work then either.

Lipstick on a pig doesn't help. ( although I love pigs, lol!)

So I don't post much. Can't help with any mcm styling as I don't feel the love there at all although I appreciate it when it's well done.

I agree wholeheartedly! Online we really have to be careful in our posts as so much is lost in tone. I had a recent experience that brings this home for me: I was showing some mock up pics of a facelift for the front of our boring tract home to a colleague which included new windows, new paint, shingles, a new railing, garage door with trellis and her reply was that it would look much better if we raised the roofline up about 10 feet!

Add me to the list who haven't spent a lot of time here lately and may not be sure what has happened to start this and also hope I have not offended. Unlike some other forums, I do think that even those who may not seem helpful genuinely intend to be and I've never thought anyone was intentionally cruel. That's the part you take to heart.

Gathering advise on the internet (and even among personal friends) can be like trying on bathing suits. When you find the one that fits, take it. File away anything that might interest later and try to forget most everything else you saw in the process. ;-)

I hope i'm not guilty of this, but I am taking this post to heart.

It is hard giving an answer when it is one the poster does not want to hear. On the other hand, many of us here have made so many mistakes ourselves, that when we see it right in front of us we can't help but want to correct the situation so the poster will not have to go through the same thing.

Over in Kitchen's a poster presented her reveal of her backsplash. I guess she asked for advise but probably was many months before. It was clear to me that the backsplash clashed with the counter. She received exactly two responses that said it looked great. Since she posted with excitement about how much she liked it, and wasn't asking for advise, she didn't get any other feedback.

My point is that members were kind to say nothing. However, I wonder what the poster thought when she did not get multiple rave reviews like so many do on here. Which brings me to another point. Usually if the majority on here are for something or against something, they are most often right. (I appreciate the honesty)
True though, that we have to work on "how" we say things.

Some posts just don't strike a lot of people to post a response because they may not remember the kitchen in the planning stage or remember the posts asking for advice. Or sometimes, it's just a slower or faster day than normal and the post drops before it gets a lot of notice.

I don't tend to respond to posts where I am seeing the finished product but was not witness to the process--no matter how good it might be. So non-response doesn't necessarily mean disapproval either. It just means it's not getting responses for a number of possible reasons.

I'm with both pal and kswl. I guess I try to get the lay of the land, so to speak, before responding. I try to get a feel for how much a poster loves or is resigned to certain things about the room before I jump in to suggest it all be changed.

If I feel it is so far gone that whatever lipstick issue is being raised is a moot point, I tend not to comment at all. And also along the lines of what bumblebeez said (MCM isn't her thing), I tend to stay away from posts about more ornate decorating, or arranging tabletops, etc. Because I'm on the MCM end of things and my tendency would be to say "throw it all out!" ;)

If I feel that there is something else that can be done instead/first, and it isn't something too big or pricey and appears to be within the scope of the original project, I'll offer a "have you ever considered . . ." I feel that something terrible and irreversible is about to happen (recent post about painting the original paneling in an MCM home), then I'll jump in a bit more loudly than usual.

I might suggest that if one thinks things in this forum are a bit strident, check some of the other forums (building a home, landscape design, etc.) where things can get really brusque. I swear there are folks on Building A Home that get an alert when a new poster shows up with a floor plan or elevation. That is their cue to jump in and opine immediately with a standard rant about the wasted space, silly mud room, lack of light, ridiculous fenestration, superfluous gables, and explain how going to an architect up front for a custom home would eliminate all this foolish mess.

I feel the participants here are generally friendly and socially savvy enough to know how to advise without offending.

I see this as a forum for tossing around ideas. I enjoy the variety of suggestions, both big & small. The problem is we all have widely varying tastes, and budgets are rarely mentioned, so some ideas will appeal, many won't. I don't see any harm in throwing in an idea for consideration that might be a stretch -- maybe it will shed a new light for the OP, maybe it won't. The OP is always free to say "No thanks." The tact & honesty work both ways, both for original poster & advisers.

I'm relatively certain I know the post in reference here - "Would you add molding to this room?". Generally I stay out of these re-hash threads but since I was the first to reply to that post and with a suggestion not asked for by the OP (which is the bone of contention here), I'm jumping in.

I read that post, knew immediately what I wanted to say, decided against it and moved on. A few minutes later I went back to it because I felt there was an elephant in that space that had to be addressed. I've learned a lot over the years here and one of the things I've learned is that intention and execution are not mutually exclusive. If something is not executed well and does not adhere to the basics of construction and/or design elements, it's going to look wrong. Many of us may look at it and not know WHY it looks off but something in our brain is telling us it doesn't compute properly. That was the case with the columns in the original post. I'm not talking about personal preferences of how many items to put on your fireplace mantel or the choice of clean lined furniture vs baroque - those are chocolate and vanilla and we all make choices about what we like. Like it or not, there are 'rules' regarding scale, balance, fenestration, architectural ornamentation, etc. Of course no one is required to follow the rules and some are able to break them successfully. But there's a risk in breaking them and that risk can be an unsettled feeling in the space. If - IF - what I said came across as harsh to the OP, I would certainly apologize if she told me as much but I didn't get that sense from her follow-up at all. As she said, they don't love them , either, but the builder apparently did (or got a really good deal on a truckload!!) because they were used throughout the development. It's not her fault that the builder did not use them properly. I didn't explain why they look wrong but I knew in my gut they did. Following posters did a far better job than I in showing and explaining why the columns look off and made some wonderful suggestions for altering them, none of which would require structural changes or cost more than the board and batten wainscot she originally asked about.

Was I blunt? Yes. Rude? Mean? I don't think so.

But the thing is, we are not a bunch of girlfriends sitting around a table having coffee.

People come to a decorating forum to share decorating questions and advice. Therefore, when you post a question here, it's more akin to having a consultation with a design professional. Now, I'm not saying that any of us here need to be revered for our decorating knowledge but you are asking for honest advice, yes? I would feel totally ripped off if I had a design professional in my home and she didn't give me proper advice for fear of hurting my feelings.

Also, you have to consider that people have different thought patterns that affect their responses to situations. Some are cumulative thinkers which means they have to process information step by step and can easily compartmentalize. Other people are comprehensive thinkers which means they have to consider all elements of a situation before forming a conclusion.

With all that in mind, responses should be taken with a grain of salt. Lascatx bathing suit analogy is spot on:

"Gathering advise on the internet (and even among personal friends) can be like trying on bathing suits. When you find the one that fits, take it. File away anything that might interest later and try to forget most everything else you saw in the process. ;-)"

Sure, tone is important on any forum but that can be relative. Some people are just more sensitive than others. I would prefer a poster be honest and true to themselves than trying to "tone" their response to how a stranger may or may not perceive said response.

I must have missed something, but I haven't been spending a lot of time here lately. I hope it wasn't anything I said. I do tend to get OT easily, but I do try to answer the question asked. I think. I have been on the receiving end of unwanted & harsh advice, not necessarily here, so I try not to do that.

I love this forum but I rarely respond unless it is a cut and dried question like "do you like this etagere?" or when I really like a before and after or there is an interesting thread on the conversation side. If I don't post, it could mean I didn't see the thread, have time to respond, or just don't like it.

But the primary reason I don't respond to a design question is there is not enough to go on. Questions like "will this sofa work in my living room?" are just missing too much info to give an answer I would feel good about.

Missing info like the dimensions of the room and furniture, the architectural style of the home, the budget. Who (is going to use it), what (is the purpose) when (do you want it done) where (is it going) and how (will it be used) and on and on.

To point out a big flaw in the design (nicely!) even though the poster didn't ask about it is usually done as a service (as Pal example pointed out). So many people have no clue about design and that's why they are here.

But I suppose there are those out there who find some sort of mean-spirited glee offering rude unproductive comments. They're everywhere on the internet. Too bad for them. Sometimes I think it's a shame people can be anonymous on the internet. We might have a kinder gentler world if we weren't.

I just read the molding thread and thought the comments were pretty restrained and respectful. Then I saw the topic head for the Billy bookcases and thought that might be it--- and I am an offender on that thread. I had bad experiences with those bookcases and expressed a very dismissive opinion of them, only to be followed by a host of posters who have and love them. Maybe I should have ended with YMMV (your mileage may vary) :-) But perhaps it proves the caveat post first at your peril....

I have loved all of the help I 've received here. I don't always agree or it might not always work for me but that's ok. Not long ago I was asking about paint color and someone mentioned that my lighting shades were too yellow for my cabinets. The thing is, they were right and I'm glad she pointed it out. Once she told me that, then I was able to see it too. Long ago when I was doing my living room, someone said there were a lot of scale issues with my space. Such valuable information and now I really love that room with all the help I received. I just hope that people won't be afraid to give some good constructive criticism in a tactful way.

I enjoy the home decorating section of GW but mostly for entertainment. I offer an answer if I have one, and make every effort to be on topic.

But...I would not ask what this group thinks of my paint, my sofa, my curtains, my rug or anything else cuz I don't care what the group thinks. I do think folks intentions are to help, and enjoy seeing the many ideas and suggestions that are shared.

In my experience in the decorating forum I get more annoyed by the posts that name specific members for their inquiry. THAT is rude in my opinion, like the rest of us are chopped liver or something.

Sasafras the times I remember certain members being called out by name is when they may have recently posted about the same type of situation or project or when the question has to do with a specific area of expertise.

We all know my3dogs is the queen of Craigslist shopping and turning bargain, but unique, chairs into a work of art; Mz M is quite talented with her painted furniture projects; Bee is quite the tile expert; the list goes on and on with the helpful, talented people on here. That doesn't mean everyone else is chopped liver.

I wouldn't hesitate a minute to call someone out by name if I was hoping for their specific assistance, and I wouldn't make a habit of it, but I would also welcome advice and guidance from others at the same time. That is just understood by most and everyone chimes in if they have something to offer....that's what makes it fun as well as helpful.

When I get the time and energy, I am going to call Caroline (Trailrunner) out by name and ask how I can get physically fit and slim and trim at 61 :). And also, how to prepare some of her beautiful foods.

Tuesday

I am going to call Caroline (Trailrunner) out by name and ask how I can get physically fit and slim and trim at 61 :)

Too funny! You do know she rode her bike 52 miles to get a Wendy's Frosty (probably a small) then came home cleaned the pool and made a small loaf of bread. Then went for a bike ride for fun.
I love you Trailrunner! You are our inspiration in many areas of life.

"I try to broach the subject by saying "I know you didn't ask, but...have you ever thought of..."

And that's why I come here!
I love that we all have different ideas and opinions. I appreciate that we all have different styles and taste. I look forward to thoughtful advice given and hope I can sometimes give a bit as well, as I've been kindly helped many times thru the years. :)
My fave thing is before and after pix....

Me too Loribee. I do get comments many times that do not pertain to my specific question. They rattle around in my head as I think about moving forward in my projects and do help tremendously!

I know my taste is not for everyone and is a very strange mix of boho, floral explosion, bright colors and grandma, but I love that Pal or whoever can chime in and help me see ways to improve things and I hope they always feel comfortable doing so.

I do agree that there is a nice or at least polite way to say something. BUT, I also agree that some are just too sensitive and take things too personally. There are some who repeatedly bring up posts from the past; they just can't get over others suggestions/advice.

Personally, I would much rather someone be honest - just be nice about it! LOL

tina

Where's that thumbs up button when I need it!!??

Whoa ! Have never looked at this thread and here I am ! tuesday you are sweet..you can call out to me anytime or place :) Would be glad to offer suggestions , don't know that I know all that much...just what works for me but love to share.

Bumble...you are a HOOT!! I rode between 22-25 miles that day LOL....and it was a medium !

I am inspired by all the folks on this forum...you are the best of friends and I can't think how many times I have been brought to tears or a smile by many of you and your stories. c

So....it's rude to ask specific people for advice but you wouldn't ask anyone for it because you don't care what the group thinks? Do you see the tiniest contradiction there, lol?

I think this forum is probably the nicest home forum on gardenweb actually.