Hi, I read your post with interest as we are in the process of taking on our 20 month old Grandson. His Father (our son) and Mother are both on drugs. Our Son is currently in jail and is back to being a normal person who you can have a conversation with. He doesn't know we are taking on his son as he has no contact with him and becomes very angry about the situation. He would dearly love to see him but before being in jail his girlfriend (the Mother) and he had a very volatile relationship and the 3 children were taken by child protection services. The older two (different fathers) were placed with their maternal grandparents, who thought it would be short term. Unfortunately their daughter is still on drugs and only maintains spasmodic contact, which is getting less. Our grandson was placed in foster care, he was 3 weeks old at the time. He is with a lovely family who have two teenagers and two other foster children aged 6 and 4 and our grandson 20mths. We didn't take on our grandson at 3 weeks, hoping the parents would come good. That is obviously not going to happen for the mother and my son would have to jump through hoops to prove he has drug taking and anger issues under control. My questions are "how important is it for my grandson to be with family? Should he be allowed to stay where he is happy and loved? (my fear here is he will become part of the "foster" system and be parcelled around). If we don't take him will he grow up thinking the family didn't want him? We will have him before he turns 2, are we being selfish to take on a toddler at our age ?(54) We just want what is best for him. The overall question I suppose is "how important is family ?"

Some people do not have the energy to deal with toddlers. I was with a friend with children the same age as your toddlers, and it is exhausting and all consuming. The two year old kept running to the stairs (even though the child could not do stairs) and the mom kept bringing the child to another area to play, but the child kept trying to go on back to the stairs. When the mom would pick the child up, the child would kick and scream and cry (AKA a major temper tantrum) returning again and again for the stairs. The mom was trying to visit with friends, and have a conversation, and the child made this impossible. At the same time, she was trying to keep and eye on her 3 year old who kept wandering off. Some people just do not enjoy babies and toddlers, and do not feel comfortable being responsible for someone else's toddlers. Friends would take turns watching each others toddler, while the other ran errands. After doing it a few times, it stopped, as the one child would scream for the entire 2 hours. No amount of distraction or toys helped. One of the friends said that the few hour break was not worth the price of having to return the favor and watch a child who cried so much. Toddlers take enormous energy, and you have to focus on them every minute. It is one thing when they are your children. It is another thing entirely when they belong to someone else. Trust her and try not to take it personally. Several years from now (5 or so) if they still leave your children out, then you may want to talk to them. But for now, don't force your toddlers on someone who is not willing. Perhaps you can do somethings with them bringing the toddlers, so that a relationship begins to develop, but you are there to help if your children cry or wander off. At some point, they may feel up to the challenge of an outing with one or both of your young children. This may have "nothing" to do with their step child versus your children, and have everything to do with the fact that some people are uncomfortable with babies and toddlers. Wait and see as your children become more self sufficient (around age 7-8) if they are included. If they are not, then I imagine it will be their loss. Many people simply do not have the energy to enjoy taking such young children out on outings. The others are right in that with the toddlers along, they would be unable to focus on the older grandchild. You yourself must know many parents who cannot even go out to dinner and actually enjoy it with toddlers. The child wants out of the high chair, and then is running around the restaurant, or will not go in the high chair and is crying if made to sit in a high chair. Or one of the parents is walking around outside with the toddler, while the other parent finishes eating., etc. Not a relaxing dinner out by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone. So again, try not to take it personally right now. Respect their discomfort being responsible for someone else's toddlers, and do not try and force them into something they are clearly uncomfortable with.

My Grandad was a dairy farmer who farmed the old way with horses and such, and I spent every available moment at the farm. I have so many memories of Grandpa that I hardly know where to start, but I think one of my fondest memories was when I was 5 years old. They were hauling hay and I was riding the wagon, basically just getting underfoot so Grandpa worked out a solution. He had me stand at the front of the wagon and handed me the reins for the horses, he said, "if your gonna be in the field you gotta work, so you drive the team"....and I learned how to drive a team of work horses that day. (now keep in mind that Grandpa still had total voice command over the horses if a problem should arise). Grandpa was also a blacksmith and at 12 years old I was hanging out in the shop watching him work at the forge & anvil, and he says,,,"step over here boy,,its time you learned to make horse shoes too"... You can be sure my first attempt was at best almost a failure,,but i still have that horseshoe as a fond rememberance of Grandpa. For recreation Grandpa played a fiddle and had a job on weekends playing fiddle and calling Square Dances in a band at a local dance hall. I can remember many a night we would finally be done with all our chores about 9pm, go to the house and have a late supper, then Grandpa would take his fiddle down and play for an hour or so before we went to bed. When I turned 16 Grandpa used to take me with him to the dance hall, and that is where I learned to dance waltz's, Polka's, Foxtrots and Square Dances. I also used to love to hang around in the kitchen and Grandma taught me how to catch and clean a chicken, duck or goose, cook, bake bread, pies or home can fruits and veggies, but my fondest memories of Grandma were also late in the evening just before bedtime. Grandma never had a haircut in her life, but she always wore her hair up in a bunn. In the evening she would sit on a dining chair in the kitchen and let her hair down, and it would reach the floor, and I used to sit behind her and comb it out while Grandpa played the fiddle. At bedtime Grandma would open the oven on her old coal stove and take out a big firebrick that she had heated up. She would wrap that brick with a towel and I would head up to the bedroom, brick in hand. The brick was placed under the covers at the foot of the bed to keep our feet warm.

Many years ago I worked at a convalescent hospital, in admissions. Neither of these two are relatives, just names that brought music to my mind every time I heard or said them. And I doubt that they were unusual for their culture. The woman's name was Cipriana Somarriba. The man's name was Yuichi Shiroyama.