Sex Roles

22 years ago

I've posted variations of this question before, but as a new dater, this topic has taken on some weight for me. As a feminist woman who is interested in forming a serious partnership with a man, I'd like to think that I should just "do what feels right", but I think it can be more complex than that. How do you all feel about "the rules" of who asks who out, makes the phone calls, etc. at the very beginning? Are there any generalizations that really do apply?

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Comments (5)

puddlejumper
22 years ago
Good question! For future reference, I was curious about who pays for what? I'm a little older, 44, so I probably would not hesitate to call first or ask someone out. I'm Guessing that if I ask someone out, I should be prepared to pay.

So, what is the current etiquite? Or is there any?

Puddlejumper
Tinmantu
22 years ago
I fall in puddlejumpers age group and feel the same way, I think it's more a matter of taking the initiative in a male or female to see just where they stand in the relationship instead of going to sleep wondering....I lost the fear of rejection, a long time ago....as far as who pays, I don't see a problem with the lady paying if she speaks up and invites to a dinner, saying "I'll treat"....if she doesn't say that it's "her treat" and I'm invited and I accept, I go with the intent to pay but I'm not going to make a big deal of it if she offers to pay her part...that's not being cheap, that's respecting how far along the relationship is and letting her make her decision
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I think you're on the right track- if it makes you feel better,I have a B.A. in child care/development and your son is very much going through a normal identity phase.I think you just have to continue doing what you're doing and he'll come around; you've planted the seed (no pun intended!) Yes he may stray away from the garden but eventually he'll probably get right back when he's older and he tells his son,"when I was a child I had my own blueberry bush that Grandma taught me how to take care of..."-those seemingly small moments really do stick in their memories and are cherished in later years. Unfortunately society has shaped our ideas of what is 'normal' for boys/girls to have interests in. Just as a boy who plays with dolls may someday become a nurturing father, a gardening boy may become a successful landscape business owner,horticultural author,or just a great parent who shares time with his own children in the garden... My hope is that you can talk with your husband about fostering and supporting your son's interest. His views and actions (or lack of) about it influence your son too and although five yr. olds have begun definite sex role awareness, having a male role model support him may give your son more confidence to be a leader and not a follower(very important in today's society). Talk, talk, talk, to your kids about everything as well as nothing that's how you keep the communication channels open.Don't forget to listen as well! Isn't parenting FUN? Another area of gardening which would be considered cool by five year old perspective is BUGS! It was briefly mentioned earlier.My son can recognize lady bug larva,and knows many of the beneficial insects in our garden-he took a plastic praying mantis to show and tell and explained many facts he learned about them from books and the internet. Maybe you can find ways for him to introduce his interests to his friends-invite some kids over and go on a nature hike(we even do this just in our yard and it's a hit). They also like to just dig and look for worms. As a matter of fact I just told my son about your son and he wants me to tell your son it's ok to like gardening-because he loves digging in the mud too and his favorite store to go to is a local nursery that has a million plants and his favorite thing to see there is a stone dragon water fountain that he promises he's going to buy when he's a dad...(ok now he's rambling on & on--I guess he gets it from ME!) Good luck !
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browntoestoo
22 years ago
Though I haven't dated since the demise of my marriage, most men my age seem to feel more comfortable picking up the check than not. I don't have a problem paying my own way, however. Communication is key.

Eileen
Daisyduckworth
22 years ago
Showing my wrinkles, perhaps, but I firmly believe that it is the man who 'controls' the relationship and where it goes, if anywhere. Most men hate to be pursued, and their perception of what 'being pursued' means is a little different to that of most women. They are quite sensitive about it, in fact. I will only telephone a man after he has indicated verbally that my calls will be welcome, and only in an established relationship will I suggest an outing. In fact, I prefer the man to call the shots. You know where you stand, that way. Even in the best of democracies and the most successful partnerships or teams, you have to have a leader.

An exception to this rule is when using telephone dating services, where my safety and security become top priorities. In that case, I expect a man to provide his telephone number (NOT a mobile number!), and I will call him at his request. I do not give my telephone number first up. Two or three calls maximum, and if he hasn't asked for my number after that time, I know he isn't all that interested ,and I only provide my telephone number when I've begun to trust him a little, and placed him as a 'potential'. I always leave it to him to suggest a meeting, and I always expect him to pay for whatever refreshments we might have if/when we meet. I never suggest a second 'date' - I leave it entirely up to him. Most intelligent people just KNOW if you've 'clicked' or not! I never expect a call if he says 'I'll ring you sometime', in which case I know I'm wasting my time in calling him, and I don't bother.

If somebody issues me an invitation, which I accept, then I am his guest, and therefore he pays. If I'm the one to issue the invitation to anyone, they become my guests, and I pay. It's that simple. I do not ask people to be my dinner guests, and then expect them to pay for their meal. That's ill-mannered, IMO. And I think it's just as ill-mannered for a guest to offer to pay for the meal or treat I've agreed (by virtue of the invitation I've issued) to provide. Nay, it's downright insulting!
quirk
22 years ago
Well, doesn't it kind of depend on what you want in a relationship? If you want a traditional gender-defined relationship, then acting that way from the start kind of seems like the way to go. If by "feminist woman" you mean you don't really subscribe to living by traditional gender-defined roles in life, then why would you start out getting to know someone by trying to act in the "correct" gender-defined manner? I'm not saying that one way or the other is better. I'm just saying go with the "truth in advertising" concept. Pretty much anything you can do will be "wrong" to somebody, so you might as well do what is right to you. Be who you are from the start, and the people who stick around long enough for a relationship to happen will be the ones who are comfortable with the kind of relationship you're looking for. Yes, it probably is more complicated than it sounds. But, hey, what isn't?

Sex Roles

Comments (5)

puddlejumper

Tinmantu

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Daisyduckworth

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