Adults estranged from parents
sadie2
16 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (156)
silversword
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
estrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreFor those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (161)Well, in my sister's case, she has mental health issues, but was a bright young lady. She was overweight since childhood, but she was an absolutely beautiful girl. She went through a stage where she thought she was a lesbian. She liked to say that she wanted to bring a girl to Thanksgiving dinner as her date and upset our folks. I told her I figured they would get over it eventually. They loved her very much. Maybe too much. She met a guy on Yahoo personals and they had German ancestry in common. Turns out he's into White Supremacy, but we didn't know that at the time. They married within the first year of dating. He moved into her apartment and it didn't take long to find out that he was emotionally abusive. He blames it on his diabetes, but he even tried to start a fight with my husband at dad's funeral. My sister was unhappy in her marriage and we learned quickly that mom and dad were NOT allowed to give her and hubby anything. I didn't know anything was wrong until mom wanted to go visit them at their house one night. They weren't home and mom started crying and saying that she wished she hadn't married this guy. It was then that I found out about his white supremacist tendencies and the way he was controlling of my sister. Of course, she has gone back and forth over this saying it's not him, it's her that's the problem, but the night our dad died guess who was with her at the hospital. Dear old mom in law, the enforcer. This woman-the boy's mother-is the one, I'm really sure of it, who is most behind the estrangement. She tried telling my aunt and grandma that our dad molested us and that we were "stair-step" children. We were in fact 7 and 11 years apart in age and our dad NEVER molested us, ever! Of course, madam wolf didn't bother to ask my oldest sister and myself. She raises a child who thinks hitler is someone to look up to and takes a giant crap on our family. I have found out that there often is an older woman in the family that is behind the estrangement of the spouses parents and family. Well, my sister says that I'm a n**ger now and she hasn't let us see their daughter. We suspect she is pregnant again, but they won't let mom see that child either-even though the big bad dad is dead as a doornail. My dad is pushing up daisies. How would you feel if you were accused of molesting your own children and denied seeing your grandchildren? It is the most bull crap thing I have ever seen. I'm sure they are feeding her the whole, their toxic people, line and I'm sure it feeds her narcissism to believe it. God will have to deal with it. I miss my dad so much. This is NOT the way things were supposed to be and her actions have affected ALL of us. Of course, she doesn't even think about any of that. It's all her up in there. Our mother is very broken. I pray for her because only God can help the hole in her heart. That chicken sister of mine couldn't even go in and see dad's lifeless body laying on the gurney the night he died, but I remember his eyes. I was with mom and we went in right after they pronounced him dead. I remember his beautiful blue eyes had faded to a green as deep as the ocean because the life had fled from them. He choose not to get that open heart surgery. I guess he didn't think dying could hurt any less than being accused of being a child molester and a sob supreme by the woman who raised a model SS career man. It's not all about any one person. What you do affects everyone and we are ALL responsible for each other. I loved and protected my sister to the best of my abilities. Our dad did yell a lot and he was an ignorant man. He didn't know how to raise children because he came from an alcoholic dad-but our did was NOT an alcoholic nor was he a child abuser. My children remember their grandparents and I would never, ever have refused my parents or my husbands' parents from getting to know their grandchildren. Never....See MoreAll these estranged parents...
Comments (126)I disinherited my son after he returned Christmas cards and money and refused contact over the years. I sent him a copy of the will on Fathers day, letting him know that in my view our relationship or lack thereof, has come to this point. I'm done, I'm though with being rejected. I believe in forgiveness, and the door could be opened again, but I won't do one way streets anymore. Yes, I also wanted to let him know how it feels to be disowned, while I'm still alive and no hope for change after the fact. There are practical considerations too. For years I've been enmeshed in the fantasy of how things could, should or ought to be. I've always been the one that is supposed to do 99% of the work, and prove myself. He is 37, that view was fine as a young adult, but I decided that something has to motivate him to finally grow up. I had an alcoholic parent, in my mid twenties I learned how to let go of my resentment and realize he did the best he could with what he had to work with. I'm not without fault, I keep trying to give him fatherly advice about paying off his credit card debt, getting a job with benefits and having health insurance. In hindsight, I should have kept quiet, instead of trying to pass on the wisdom my parents gave to me, or so I thought. Now, I would like to leave my estate to folks that actually make an effort to be part of my life and will be there for me when the time comes. I'll forgive my son, but others will get my estate....See MoreAdults estranged from parents
Comments (8)Hello all! First, let me just say that English is not my native language, so if you see something misspelled (like my username!) or some expression that doesn't make much sense, I apologize in advance. It took me a few days just to read all of your posts. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not alone, but still doesn't make the pain go away. I started at about a month ago my process of estranging my parents. I’m 31 years old and it took really a lot for me to realize the truth and face that I was left with no other choice. I’ll explain you why this happen, but first, I have some serious challenges to face and learn to cope with during my estrangement process. Challenge 1: I work in the same company as my mother! Even though we do not work even in the same building, we still have random encounters, such as accidently cross in the canteen, or in the parking lot. Challenge 2: unlike my brother, that went to work in a foreign country (something like 2400km~1500miles), my house is only at 8km (5miles) from theirs. And no, at the moment, moving it’s not an option for numerous reasons. I’m learning how to deal with this, still at an early stage. And, finally, Challenge 3: I have no insurance coverage for the therapist, so I had to reduce the frequency of the appointments, to ease the life on the household expenses, especially since we are in a financial crisis and taxes just keep skyrocketing! Regarding the estrangement. What caused it. It all comes from long years ago, since I can remember. My family is pure and simply dysfunctional. My father is a spoiled selfish guy, that believes that mankind exists just to serve his wishes. He believes that he belongs to some sort of superior race (yeap, nazi style!) and mistreats everyone around. Even though we try to remind him that his own mother used to belong to the what-he-calls-the-inferior-race, he uses his selective amnesia skills. He is a looser that doesn’t try hard for anything, even though he was lucky to find a job that pays way above the national average. He is smokes weed and axis for many years now, what increases his paranoia and delusions. When people ask me why don’t smoke weed and stuff when I go to Amsterdam, here’s why! My mother, on the other hand, used to belong to family and, some day, her father vanished, leaving my mother, her 3 brothers and sisters and her mother with no money. At the time, my grandmother didn’t work. So, in a blink of an eye, she went from an economical stable life style to a situation where she had to work for survival of the whole family. My grandmother didn’t work and she was dysfunctional herself towards my mother. That turned my mother into an extremely jealous person, possessive and what people call a “weekend alcoholic”. In working days, she controls herself more or less, but on non-working days, she drinks like very few do even on college parties! Well, I’ll tell you a couple of episodes that describe the emotional abuse that has always reined around my family and how they act. When I was around 8, my brother went to first grade elementary school (he had just turned 6). At school, he had problems articulating sentences, he didn’t use the words in the right place in the sentences. His teacher told my parents that he was mentally challenged and should be followed by the correct therapists. In that very same day, my father started to mistreat my mother and brother, making them to run away from home for a few a days. In the meantime, he tried to turn me (an 8 year old!!!) against them! Well, after things cooled down, they returned home and my brother went to therapy. And guess what, after taking tests, he was found to be way more intelligent than the average kids of his age! And as he was on an age where we learn how to articulate speech, his reasoning was way faster than his ability to speak, so he was clumsy while talking. Now, as he was not “retarded” after all, he was already a fine kid, worthy of my father’s love and attention. Other episodes happened while my mother is alone at home with us. As my father took shifts on his work, he was not at home sometimes during weekends or in the evening. My mother stated to drink and she fires her anger towards us. She did it countless times. Yelling, threatening that she would abandon us (even when we were at ages around 10 ou 12 years old), etc. She and my father just love and hate each other. In a minute they are kissing, in the other minute they are fighting, screaming, throwing things at each other, etc. But in the middle of all this, I was always the one in that family that tried to put out the fires. The one that took it all, that tried, at any price, reach a few more days of cease-fire. And then, it came the day I met the woman with whom I went to live together. First, her family belong to the “so called inferior race” (note: inferior race are not just a matter of skin colour, also people of lower income, lower education, etc.). Second, they realized I don’t belong to them only. Since then, things just got worse and worse. My mother just kept on calling me (sometimes drunk, sometimes sober) yelling at me, insulting my wife, insulting me, etc. One day, we organized a dinner at our place with both our parents, to give them the best news ever: my wife was pregnant. When we told, her parents jumped off the seats happy. My parents, for a few seconds were in shock, as if they were told that someone died on a car accident. And since the pregnancy and the child’s birth, things just kept going, with me always trying to put out the fires. Until one day, some weeks ago, it all exploded for the last time. I arranged with them to spend Sunday afternoon with them, together with my daughter. And, as we only arranged for the afternoon, in the morning, we went to the beach with my in-laws. While I was at the beach, they called to confirm at what time would we meet. When they realized that we were “committing the offense” of spending the morning with my “inferior race in-laws” and only the afternoon with them, they started once again, screaming, mistreating me, etc. And that was it. It was the day when I said enough. After getting home, giving diner to the baby, putting her to bed, etc., I just started to cry like I’ve never, ever, cried before. It was just way too many years of this. I don’t see myself in the role they tried to bring up. I don’t believe in “superior” or “Inferior” races. I don’t believe that women are worse than man, gays are worse than straight, Africans are worse than Europeans, etc. I don’t believe that people are there to serve us. I believe in equality, peace, love, caring, etc. I believe that if we want something we have to work for it. I believe we should help those in need. I believe that you can be either a good or a bad person regardless of whether you are son of a king or from a single mom in a ghetto. And I want my life! I want to be myself! I don’t want to feel the adrenaline rushing in my body when the phone rings because it might be them screaming at me for no reason again. I don’t want to be with them just because they brought me to the world and feel entitled to mistreat me and take it all on me. I don’t want to feel the anger I feel inside of me towards them, because I just don’t believe in anger. Anger only brings more sadness. Now, I’m doing therapy, starting my estrangement despite the additional challenges I have to face. Sorry for the XL text, but it’s the first time I write about it. For those who did it, thanks for reading it. Honestly!...See Moresilversword
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleen777
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleen777
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostraycat_wandering
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoinfynyty
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleen777
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleen777
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostraycat_wandering
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoflowergardenmuse
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosage121
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agodave_co
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agogrand_flower_73_googlemail_com
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokearl_comcast_net
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSHERYllevart_yahoo_com
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoelhmoo1_gmail_com
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agojenniferg128_yahoo_com
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agojet_email_com
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoriver_constantine_hotmail_com
12 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
Related Stories
CONTEMPORARY HOMESHouzz Tour: A Sophisticated Home for Adults and Babies
Homeowners expecting twins make a nest that works for kids but is not kid dominated
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGNRoom of the Day: Kids and Adults Share a Bright 40-Square-Foot Bathroom
Splashes of lime green add a playful touch to this efficient and economical second bath
Full StoryROOM OF THE DAYRoom of the Day: A Bright, Colorful Playroom for Kids and Adults
Fun colors mix with sophisticated furnishings and finishes to create an addition suitable for child’s play and adult relaxation
Full StoryOUTBUILDINGSAdults Allowed: A Poolside Playhouse Makes Room for All
Sprightly but not saccharine, this adaptable backyard structure is equally at home with the grandkids and the grown-ups
Full StoryLIFETell Us: Do You Know How to Live With Your Parents?
If you've tried multigenerational living under one roof, we'd love to hear the details
Full StoryHOUZZ TOURSMy Houzz: Parents-to-Be Whip Up an Apartment Overhaul, Hold the Color
Scandinavian style mixes with a minimalist palette to create a soothing, clutter-free interior for this new family's Netherlands rental
Full StoryHOLIDAYS11 Survival Lessons From Thanksgiving
With 10 people in 1 house for 3 days, you learn fast. Find out the good, the challenging and the just plain kooky
Full StoryMOST POPULARThe Not Naturally Organized Parent's Guide to the Holidays
This year get real about what you can and cannot handle, and remember the joys of spending time with the ones you love
Full StoryHOLIDAYSSurviving the Christmas Countdown: A Parent's Guide
Make things easier on yourself, for heaven's sake — and for the sake of truly enjoying the holiday with your family
Full Story
sadie2Original Author