Why can't they understand? I feel your frustration. My dad made a mess of the garden too when I was just starting out. After a while he stopped. I have had plumbing crews and other service people smash down plants far outside of the work area, even those roped off. I can never understand it. Sometimes its like you have to stand right there watching and waiting to be ready to make a rescue. I do whatever I can myself and try to hire people that will listen if I can't do it myself. It's that " they're only plants " way of thinking and it drives me crazy. Keep them watered and clean up any raggedy cuts. I would probably go in and cut out any dead growth and clean up/ shape the plants as long as they are getting a trim now. go together to buy some mulch to help them along since they don't have the leaves shading the roots now and the heat will come on. That makes a big difference in helping them bounce back. As soon as the heat passes, you can feed and I bet you'll have some great roses around Thanksgiving. Let us know how it goes.

Wow...I really dropped a jaw when I read your post! I never mentioned what line of work my husband does in my note, but when I saw "EA" you really had my attention. My husband does not work for EA, however he IS in the gaming industry, and I know that recently (and maybe still) his company has been trying to strike a deal with EA to do some business. I read the links you provided and really got an education. My husband has talked of updating his resume....getting his name back out there, etc. But we have moved so many times, and are afraid that doing so would mean moving yet again to take a "better" job. My husband is sent to Canada and Europe quite often with his job, and it didn't take long to learn that the Europeans do not adopt the same corporate culture as we Americans. It's very sad that corporate America has gotten to this point and the future looks very bleak. My husband's company is even European owned--and yet for the US offices they are expected to adhere to this "American" standard of working long hours with less people to do MORE work. The employees of this same company who work in Canada/Europe do not even come close to working the same hours that the American employees do! We hear about their vacations....time off with their families..etc. And they ask my husband...Where are you going for your next holiday? (They use the term "holiday" to refer to time off, not actually a specific holiday.) His response is always "Can't take time off right now." It's very disheartening when they tell us they are REQUIRED to take at least 6 weeks each year for vacation! (Not to mention paid time off for maternity leave and other benefits.) I don't think this problem is exclusive to the gaming industry per se, but I think somehow we all got off track when we started giving employers so much power. My husband just entered his 40s and we know that everytime we land in a less than desireable job, we can't just up and leave. Sometimes I just get upset with him because I want him to stand up for himself in these situations....stop taking the crap, so to speak....but I"m sure he feels trapped to a certain extent. I hated reading about the conditions at EA....especially knowing that this is a company that my husband's company is now trying to do business with. For instance: This week the company is hosting a U.S. Client Conference...here in our home city. The employees (my husband and co-workers) are being required to stay in the same hotel downtown for 2 over nights to "entertain" the clients in attendace instead of being allowed to come home and sleep in their own beds! He might as well be on another out of town trip! Oh, and did I mention our son had surgery this week? Do you think the "company" cared?

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx

Today was 90 days and he is still sober. If I hadn't put a link on my browser to ever having written any of this I would have forgotten entirely. I am forgetful (or forgiving) and this time maybe that's a good thing for a change. He has definitely made it easy to at least not think about it. Our relationship had deteriorated to a point where I was Mom to his two children and an out of control teenager (him). I think the turn around was that I gave up on him. I let my heart go icy cold. I gave up on fighting his training. I treated him exactly how he has trained me to treat him, with distrust and animosity. I neither hid nor revealed anything and I volunteered not a single word because talking to him had never helped. Only when he asked did I speak and what I spoke was brutally honest and emotionless. Exactly how I felt, just nothing anymore. I was fully prepared to leave him forever and I didn't care if he realized it or not. I told him that I need three months to get my affairs in order and he will give that to me because he owes me, period. I told him in the mean time your finances are your problems now. I will no longer police your spending so if your kids go hungry then you are to blame. However, I will be eating, I can take care of myself. Its you and your children that will go hungry and all three of you can sit at the table watching me eat. I don't care. Get your paychecks sent to your account tomorrow, as in tomorrow, drop what ever crap you think is important and get your ass to the bank otherwise your paychecks become my paychecks and I will not be sharing just as you haven't been sharing with me. I told him to make preparations for his children to be taken in by their mother, grandparents, someone, I don't care who because I am leaving and if you haven't gotten a plan together when I do walk away from this hell hole in three months then they will eventually be taken away from you by force. And get this done quick because as of this very second I refuse to wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, or anything else that I really don't have to do because there is no longer anything that I feel I have to do for you or yours anymore. Then I told him that I will not look after his kids anymore either. If you think you are going to leave them with me, I will make a point in getting me out of the house at my convenience, and they will be here alone, scared, and crying. I don't care anymore. I refuse to watch them. Take them to work if you have to. You benefiting from me and my parents is over. This was in the summer so the kids were home all day and he took them to work that day, just like I have taken them to work everyday for the last three years. I work in my families business so taking them to work was a pain in the ass but manageable. That day he realized that you only get 1/4 of the work done when the kids are around and you feel like punching babies at the end of the day. He begged for another chance. I told him how many chances do you need? The last three years were nothing but chances and you failed, you crashed and now you are burning and I wouldn't stop to piss on you because it would help you. How many accidents does a person have before they can be labeled as just not giving a sh**? How many times can a person say "I didn't know" before they can be labeled as a complete f**king retard? You have given me nothing but words, words are cheap, and cheapen even more when coming from your mouth. He begged me to tell him what to do to fix things. I told him that I have been telling him what to do for three years, you refused all of it. Dig deep into the crap pile that is left of your brain. I am sure you can come up with a million ideas if you just tried. I told him that there are three months before I leave. Prove to me, show me, make it a possibility for me to stay. Make me want to stay but in the mean time I am preparing to get out of dodge because I don't think you can do it. In fact, I know you can't do it. I do not believe in you anymore. And I meant it right to the center of my icy heart. I felt nothing but the weight of myself burdening me which was many tons lighter than what I had been carrying. This made me happy and he saw that. He saw that I was happy because there was a light at the end of my tunnel now. Ok, shake it off. Getting all worked up here. He has turned everything around and is maintaining. All he has done is quit drinking and everything else fell into place. He has a better memory, he has more energy, he has more time, his mood is more consistent, he smiles, we are paying off our debt which has gone faster than we predicted, saving money, and will soon be able to splurge every now and then. There has been all of this improvement with just one life change (one really hard life change) and he knows it because he is living it and frequently comments that it was the drinking. He still has urges but the frequency has been decreasing. He knows that he has ruined himself with alcohol as in once he has been ruined he can not go back. I love him more now than when I married him. If he falls off the wagon? I don't know. We will deal with that when it happens.