If there was more time I would say you should just go spend the $10 and get a new pair of shin guards and have dh tell bm that he has an extra pair and remind her of the restraining order and the fact she knows you will already be there. Tell her she can be there for his next practice!

Since that is not possible I would not trust bm to leave early. I would instead tell dh that he needs to be present at the end of practice so you can go to the car while he retrieves his son.

He enables his ex to have access to you, now he needs to deal with the consequences. IMHO anyways.

"He enables his ex to have access to you"

See, this is what I don't understand:

This woman has beat the $#!t out of you,
you have a restraining order,
& yet
1) she & your husband are constantly agreeing to situations that will put *you* in a vulnerable position, & they're doing it in a way that will put you *in the wrong* as well.

2) You keep bobbing along like a tub toy, nodding your head & going along on whatever errand these 2 scheme up for you, obeying mindlessly.

If you know your assailant is going to be someplace, *YOU DO NOT GO THERE!*

This child's mother & father need to take care of dropping him off & picking him up.

period.

Get out of the middle (another word for "middle" is "line of fire".)

Take care of yourself!

Didnt the restraining order say she was allowed at school?

If i would be you, I would not go to that practice. if mom goes, you do not need to be there. no need for both BM and SM be at the school/sport event.

It's not a good position for SS to be in or for me and I flat out told DH that he needs to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to her she needs to leave 10 mins prior to practice being over or HE needs to pick SS up.

But then I think...just b/c DH TELLS her to do something doesn't mean she'll do it.

BM has already let you know multiple times just how much of her world you control. Why would you insist on thinking you can tell her what to do, when all it does is provides her more opportunity to show you otherwise? You want DH to convey your message and put his foot down to make her do it? She is not his child, and she keeps telling you that in no uncertain terms. You state yourself that she likely won't do it anyway, so why isn't DH picking up his son? You tell us in this statement that it's an option, so why wasn't that the plan to begin with? Even if it means leaving work early. Like SylviaTexas said, he does this too often. Or, is it you doing it? Because this one is definitely you.

DH has to pick up his son, not you. I wonder that maybe you should start working full time and not be home constantly available for BM to harass you or DH take advantage of you. you aren't a babysitter.

"tell us in this statement that it's an option, so why wasn't that the plan to begin with? Even if it means leaving work early. Like SylviaTexas said, he does this too often. Or, is it you doing it? Because this one is definitely you."

I guess it IS me in a sense that I don't put my foot down with DH. I could insist he pick SS up but then he'd moan and grumble and say that it's ridiculous for him to get SS, leave work, etc. Then I feel guilty and start doubting myself, like maybe I AM overreacting, should get used to being around BM, etc.

The issue is less with BM and more with me standing ground with DH. I need to be firmer with HIM and tell him I will not put myself in these positions.

It wound up being fine because DH met BM to get the shinguards and then I met him later to get them.

Yes, KK, she is allowed to be around me at school functions/events. BUT that doesn't mean I have to be around her! I've already made my mind up that I will not be going to any of SS's soccer games this season. It sucks and I feel bad about it, and I hope it doesn't hurt his feelings, but I just am not going to do it.

I'd be suggesting DH stop by the sporting store and buy a nice big duffle bag to carry all SS's practice gear in. No need to constantly be running (excuses ?) gear forgotten if all is being transported back and forth in bag.

I see the kids get off the bus in the mornings all the time carting their duffs over their shoulder and on into school for whatever their activity is for later in the day.

I would also suggest that you would like to see SS at least play his sport a bit even if only during practice. Would make SS get the sense that you are interested and cheering him on. One would think that BM does not need to attend and watch every practice especially since she will be attended every game/event. I would suggest that on a few days that SS is on DH time and you are going to be the one picking SS up after practice you advance plan for all parties to know you will be coming early to watch a while.

I'd also be tempted to suggest to DH that it might be easier on all parts, especially the SS, if pick-up and drop offs of SS as he is changing between BM time and DH time be at a neutral place other than your house. It's not that son is not welcomed anytime at your home, it's that his mother is not and it makes for uncomfortable situations for all. Is there a reason DH can not meet BM in a local handy area parking lot? There would be no chance of 'surprising' you, no chance of SS seeing you get upset ect.

Instead of blaming you for every incident your DH needs to be working on a solution to avoid any future incidents to the best of his abilty. He can take a control of what is going on here, but it will take a bit of effort on his part and a change in attitude to make it occur. He's being totally unfair to you and simple things can and would make it better and less stressful for all.

"I guess it IS me in a sense that I don't put my foot down with DH. I could insist he pick SS up but then he'd moan and grumble and say that it's ridiculous for him to get SS, leave work, etc. Then I feel guilty and start doubting myself, like maybe I AM overreacting, should get used to being around BM, etc. "

Love-it's HIS kid & HIS Ex,who assaulted you (does he not remember this?)-Let him grumble and be put out-tough ***t for him. If you cave on this it will never end. My marriage is a prime example of that. I was so worried about upsetting DH that I let them all totally screw up my life, everyone elses wants came before my rights as a human being.

Get used to being around his Ex?! Why? She's a card carrying nasty drunk. I wouldn't want to get used to that, no thanks.

Don't give in. I would go to SS's practices like suggested and let DH deal with all the reast. What are you getting out of this? Besides a lot of stress and a black eye?

I'd like to say I can't believe your DH but sadly I do believe it. She is playing your DH like a fiddle.

You situation, along with mine really makes me think "Is it worth it?" So far, not really.

Hugs. (don't cave)
~Cat

"No need to constantly be running (excuses ?) gear forgotten if all is being transported back and forth in bag."

Thank you, Justmetoo! This is how it started with DH and his DD. He moved into a house just a few blocks away from BM's house. There was ALWAYS an excuse for BM to see SD when it was DH's time. It was a way for BM to still have a little bit of control over DH's house. But it evolved from dropping off or picking something up to her just not coming over because it was "easier".

How does that make sense? They would forget to send her book bag when she had homework or some certain socks she needed for a concert. So it was "easy" to just drop it off or pick it up. But then, that became too hard and then it became "easier" to just have her stay home to finish her homework or it became "easier" to get her to her event if she stayed home.

The definition of "easy" changed. That's why divorce papers and custody agreements are made the way they are. To give clear instructions. That way if the definition of "easy" were to change, it wouldn't change the agreement.

I am a very strong advocate of sticking to the papers at almost all costs (very few exceptions). It has worked better for X and I than DH and BM. They always tried to make things "easy", but in the end they only taught her to be indecisive and he has all but lost his daughter.

Love - forgetting the shin guards was a ploy on her part to have an excuse to be in another town for his practice. If they don't have any money, how does she afford the gas to be running $10 shin guards around?

The restraining order is not "easy" but it is worded that way for a reason. Hitting someone is a serious thing with serious consequences. Stop letting him manipulate YOU into making things "easier" for him. Because that's what he's doing. He is manipulating you into thinking you are being ridiculous so his life can be easier. His definition of "easy" has changed. Don't let him change yours.....please.