What to do when daughter does poorly and then says 'SO'

23 years ago

My daughter has always done well at school. Last year she had a poor teacher and didn't learn what she should have. This year she is in a new school and doesn't seem to care about doing well. Gifts and begging don't motivate her. She has to re-do all her incorrect work, and even THAT doesn't seem to work. She is in second grade, a grade that I loved, so I just don't understand. She is smart but I do not believe she is bored with the material.

Can I reshape her view of school? How can I convey the importance of learning?

Ideas?

Thanks.

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Comments (8)

FlowergirlDeb2
23 years ago
Goodness it could truly be a number of things! First of all with all due respect, it's never a good idea to 'bribe" kids with gifts in order to make them do better in school. School is something that they have to do, the reward is in the knowledge she gains and is able to use in all aspects of life!:)
My son had an AWFUL teacher last year for third grade, he lost interest too, and WAS bored, he didn't care about homework or anything else either. In our case it was the teacher. There are a number of books available on children and education in your local library, try the author Alfie Kohn, he has 3 very educational and eye opening books about our children and school, and he touches on problems as well. Have you discussed this with her new teacher yet? Maybe time is of the essence too here, maybe she needs to get back into the swing of things after a rough year last time!!:)
Try the books, really, there are many ideas and possibilities to explore with this, and related books should be near by! Best of luck and don't give up, she's still young!:)
sheilajoyce_gw
23 years ago
I think a talk with the teacher is in order. Eliminate all distractions--weekday TV, but allow weekend if you want. Compliment her on work well done. What is the attitude of her friends toward school work? Attitudes are contagious.
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I don't think that this is all that much to do with what you have or haven't done. It seems to me that the mother is manipulating the girl into 'choosing her side'. And yes I know; this will NEVER be admitted out loud, ever. Not by the mum or by the daughter. Been there, I can relate very well. We have also been in that situation where the oldest daughter stayed with us for a longer period of time and all of a sudden the youngest one didn't want to come to our house anymore. She came up with some reasons that weren't very substantial. It really was a loyalty issue; she felt she needed to do right by her mum by picking her mum's side (mum feeling rejected/betrayed by the oldest daughter). But she never said anything to that effect of course, it is all very subtle. A simple example; mum might talk on the phone to a friend, knowing youngest daughter is within hearing reach, and say something like: "Oh well, I had planned a nice weekend for the kids but oldest girl is staying with her dad so why do I even bother?" How can a 10 yr old not have feelings of guilt over that? She receives the message loud and clear. So she denies her own needs and focuses on her mum's; which means she will want to stay with mum and not visit dad. So she'll tell her mum she's rather staying with her, and mum might even reply that she doesn't want to keep her away from her father, she should really go. She might feel like her mum is being so supportive of her, and always encouraging her to visit her father. She will believe that it really is her own choice to not want to go to her dad's place. Pretty nasty stuff. And then she has to give you guys an explanation of why she doesn't want to come and stay, so what does she say? She'll have to come up with something so she'll pick something obvious that is hard to argue with (because how can you argue about her feelings being valid or not?) Going to court and getting lawyers involved; sure it's an option; but if mum plays dirty (using manipulation and guilt) then I don't think that going down that path will help your fragile bond with your youngest SD. I think it is better to try and reach out to her first. She is being made to choose, resist temptation and do not pull the rope back! It worked for us. Instead of discussing the reasons that she told us for not coming to stay with us we left that alone and took a different approach. We showed understanding for the difficult situation she was in, not that she was admitting that. But we told her anyway that we imagined it can't be easy for her and that we understood she felt the need to stay with her mum more. Once we stated that as a matter of fact, she knew that we knew. So she didn't have to make up 'reasons' anymore either, that took the angle out of that one. But it didn't mean that the situation changed; we still saw her a lot less. What we did do was try and help make it easier for her to come to our place by being more flexible. For example when she says she doesn't want to come and stay for the weekend you could suggest she can still come for dinner on Saturday night (not sure if you guys live close enough to do this). And if that doesn't work out for her Sunday lunch would be great too. That way you actually help her negotiate a very difficult situation with her mum where she can still spend some time with you guys as well. You need to help her to keep in touch with you guys. I don't think you are an evil stepmom, have you heard of the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, it will help you a lot I think. Hugs to you and all the best; hang in there!
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pistil
23 years ago
What worked for us was getting a tutor. You can call your local high school and they will recommend one of their top students usually at $25/hr. It's amazing how quick they will turn around and start getting the good grades, but even more importantly, they will start taking pride in their work again.
...just a thought.
FlowergirlDeb2
23 years ago
How's it going?? Have you tried any of our suggestions yet? Best of luck!:)
FlowergirlDeb2
23 years ago
Any updates?
Frieda__IL
23 years ago
I hope it's going better for your daughter. I can't help but think that the move to a new school is probably traumatic on her along with not knowing the material. Hiring a tutor is a good idea as well as inviting a couple of girls from her new school to your house for a get to know each other party. Don't bribe her with things, that rarely works to their benefit. Get involved in the school in every way possible so, she knows that you're a part of her new and scary environment. Look at it from her point of view. She's very young, moved to a new school, probably doesn't know anyone there, doesn't know the material, and you're expecting her to redo work that she doesn't understand. She's not feeling good about all this and her only retort is "So!". If she were a teenager, you would have to think something was up with her. She's just younger, that's all. Take it easy, don't get frustrated, and hire someone to help her. High school kids are more than competent to do the tutoring for a lot less and will be a lot more comfortable for your daughter. Good luck!
SAG1
23 years ago
Why was the teacher awful? Be specific
Kay_H
23 years ago
Flowergirl has a good point. Children should not be rewarded for doing what they are supposed to to. Working hard and getting good grades is not an option. It is LAW. At least it is in this house.

Everybody has responsibilities, even children. Her responsibilities are to do well in school and do her chores. When one does not fulfill her responsibilities, there are consequences.

My son was not doing well at the beginning of last year. So I made a new rule, 1 hour of homework, every day, wether he has homework or not, until his grades went up. I copied worksheets from the net that where grade appropriate and related the work he was currently doing in school. Also a lot of reading comprehension sheets where he had to read a short essay and then answer questions about it.

Then, I had his teachers send home a weekly progress report that listed all assignments and his grade for that assignment.

One semester of that and he was on the honor roll. I backed off on our nightly sessions, but continued getting the weekly progress reports. Any week he came back with a poor grade on his progress report he had a week of nightly sessions with mom. That only happened a couple of times. I guess he prefered to do the job right the first time and play outside after school then sit at the dining room table with me.

Kay.

What to do when daughter does poorly and then says 'SO'

Comments (8)

FlowergirlDeb2

sheilajoyce_gw

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