Welcome Alberta...I think you will be glad you have this spot to vent & perhaps get some sound advice for all the problems your family is facing. My parents are 87 & 84 and Hospice is now involved for Mom. I have taken a leave of absence from work, my sister who has been able to live in with them must leave by Oct 20 to return to work. I am almost frozen in terror of the prospects of what I'll face going it alone, from the medical & paperwork aspects. My DH has said he'll be more helpful than in the past but there are some things I know he won't do.We do have a live in caregiver who is a Godsend, but she's 78 & I worry about her health as it's such a monumental task.I am flying up north for 5 days as my DH has been up there all summer at his old job. He has a cyst at the top of his spine that must be removed & I felt I needed to go even though Mom is so fragile right now.Last Sat. we found out my DH's best man needed brain surgery yesterday. You do get to the point you want to hide under the bed when bad news flows like a river.I do my best by just focusing one day at a time, not looking back & not looking ahead either.I gain more strength knowing there are people like me struggling along with elder care.

My Grandmother had a massive stroke 11 years ago. She was far, far too well off to qualify for medicare. So the house was sold, the assets were liquified and my Aunt has had to use Grammys money to pay for the nursing home...for the last 11 years. The first place she was in was nice, a private home converted to a small place, she had a private room. It was very expensive, but no one really expected her to survive too long. About 3 years ago she was moved to another place, shared room in another facility that is not nearly as nice. I hate that she's there, but no one is equipped to keep her at their home (she needs 24 hour medical attention). The place is your sterotypical nursing home, and she's just gone downhill so much, yet she still lives. She told my cousin last year that she just wanted to die, but she's got those damned genes...longevity is in her system. Sorry to be such a bummer, but this is a situation that really bugs me. I hope your coworker can find some respite care...is there an Alzheimers support group? They might have some options or suggestions. My next door neighbor's mother has alzheimers, and she's finally gotten to the point where she's basically bed ridden now, so he can finally get out of the house on occasion. But it's really, really tough on the caretakers in the meantime.

Let me speak for the other side! If you have problems communicating with your daughter before a grandchild is born, you will continue to have them after! Just because you see your role in a cut and dried pattern, that doesn't mean your daughter or her husband see it the same way. You said: This is what her previously pregnant friends have done and it has worked out very well for them. I am having a lot of trouble with this, and it seems to be reinforcing some negative issues that are in our relationship: she can be extremely reactive to my feedback . . . So, being "reactive" is nothing new. Do you think at a time when she is experiencing this new role of being a mother herself, she needs the tension that "negative issues" and "reactive to my feedback" would bring? Your role should be to support your daughter and your grandchild as best you can. If this means sucking it up and being in a hotel, while a nurse tell her "how to" instead of being the one - - then do it! This is not the time for the two of you to hash out past issues, it is the time to forge a new respectful relationship. That new relationship must include allowing your daughter to make her own judgement calls regarding her child. Please remember advise is given, but it doesn't have to be taken! Now, I know that I have been a bit harsh. I too had a difficult relationship with my mother. She walked in to "help" with the baby (my first born) to my freshly scrubbed home saying "What can I clean?" I had been up all night getting the house ready, including scrubbing floor on my hands and knees to make it acceptable to her, and I tell you it was spotless. I had a good friend and neighbor come over to "check" and she told me I was going overboard, OCD type of overboard. Still, it wasn't "good enough" for my mom! I had taken care of children and babies since I was 10 years old, but to her I didn't do anything right: I stored the diapers in the wrong place, I bathed the baby in the wrong spot (in a baby tub on the kitchen table, with all my supplies instead of the kitchen sink - as she had done), I breast fed instead of bottle, I had the baby in a bassinet by my bed instead of isolated in the crib on a different floor (in Navy housing - floor plan was poorly laid out). By the second day of her visit I was so nervous, my milk stopped flowing! All I wanted from her was to coo and coddle the baby. Make a fuss over her, be a grandma. For me, well she was a great cook. Having a few home cooked meals prepared while I napped with the baby would have been a godsend. Instead, she wanted to shop, go out to see the sights of the city and invited company (brother, SIL and their two children to visit for 3 days - and nights) after all, she was in the area and not doing anything. Mom is gone now, it was rough but out of 12 grands, only 2 have fond memories of her! To spotlight the reason: my DD went for a visit, just a day after her 7th birthday. No mention of the birthday was made. In a room she would share with cousins who arrived 2 days later were gifts, beautifully wrapped and labeled -- for the cousins -- nothing for DD! Grandma said to me "I'm sure she got lots of nice things for her birthday, I sent her a card, I guess she didn't get it before you came down." DD was heart broken, Grandma had gone on and on about how she never celebrated a birthday with her, and we had made special arrangements to be there (on a very limited budget). On top of that, cousins went on and on about how they were going to a tea shop for a special tea with Grandma THE DAY AFTER WE WENT HOME, JUST THE THREE OF THEM, SPECIAL! So, I caution you to take a look at how you offer your feedback, how you treat your daughter and the new baby. We know that you feel that what you have said in the past is OK and her reaction is poor. But, truly look at it, is it critical? Do you expect your advise to be totally accepted and feel rejected if she modifies or chooses to not follow it, for whatever reason there may be? Foggyj used the term emotional game, but if there is a "game" being played, there has to be more than one player. I wish you luck with your new grand baby and daughter, but please take it easy on her, after all she is new at this role -- just as you were once. Susan

Lol lazy_gardens. I have to admit when I saw your post it reminded me of the viral YouTube videos "Harlem Shake". I'm guessing no one else will know what that is but it is a video (several different people have done it) where one person is standing in a room, casually dancing and then when the beat drops, suddenly the room is full of people dressed strangely and dancing in a crazy style.