My spouse is retired...
demaris
18 years ago
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holly_bc
18 years agojoyfulguy
18 years agoRelated Discussions
My spouse doesn't care much about me...that's okay because.......
Comments (86)It wasn't all that complicated Carla, so I'll list it here -- and I'm only suggesting it for someone married to a narcissist. 1. A narcissist will need to feel like he's won, so my best advice is don't even waste your time trying to "take him to the cleaners" or "make him pay," because to "win" in the traditional monetary sense, you would have to spend more time, money and emotional energy on lawyers than you could imagine. And since most narcissists are so good with their 'public faces,' you are unlikely to be able to convince the judge that they're awful unless you have aLOT of hard evidence. The differance between a "fair" and "you-win" settlement is not likely to be big enough money to change your life. So go for FAIR - not more. Go for half of the marital assets, your state's "standard" support arrangements, and a pleasant, quick, settlement. He will *need* to be able to walk away feeling like he's won. Remember that for you, walking away IS winning. 2. Since he will need to feel like he's won, find out what it is that will let him feel this way. Realize that it *might not* be anything you would even want. It'll probably be something visible - might be money, the house, the 'good' car, artwork, furnishings, even certain child custody provisions that preserve the appearance of him being a good dad. You'll need to know what he wants, and if it's something that's not particularly important to you, don't tip off your hand that you don't care about it. Again, it's not so much that he needs to win -- it's that he needs to be able to *feel* like he won. Let him "win" something visible, and make a loud and visible show of him winning-you losing. (You know how much he likes that.) 3. Deep down, most narcissists feel really lousy about themselves. At some level, they feel they are worthless frauds, and this is why they work so hard to buff up their public images. In my opinion, their greatest fear at this point in time is that you will somehow reveal to the world what a fake they really are. So don't do it! This will be very difficult because you will probably have years of pent-up anger at your abuser, and venting that anger is cathartic. But make a list, build a file, gather your evidence and ammunition -- anything that would embarass him to the world and invalidate the picture he tries to paint. (sexual performance issues are biggies, social embarassments, career slights) Then sit on it. Tell him that all you want is a FAIR settlement with no mudslinging public trial that allows you both to walk away with your DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT and PRIVACY intact. Let him act like it's you who would be embarassed if all your secrets came tumbling out, because that's important to him. But realize that if you expose him to the world as a fraud (like the world cares!), you've blown your best weapon. That's my two cents --...See MoreDid you and your spouse spend more time together after retirement
Comments (7)Devorah, After he retires, will your husband have each and every hour of each and every day crammed full of stuff to do? After a short while of running around kicking up their heels and getting a lot of the stuff done that they'd been looking forward for years to doing ... ... some freshly-minted retirees ... ... sit around and get bored. Some wives get fed up (well, frustrated) with hubs spending quite a lot of time around the house. They were used to having the house to themselves (for most of the day). When I talked to folks in seminars about retirement, I suggested that some men, used to being involved in many things, take to following their wives about the house, suggesting that if she were to do such and such a task in a little different way, it would be easier, take less time, be more efficient, etc. But that it might not be a god idea to follow that practice if there were a gun in the house. Or a baseball bat. Also said that Tom retired one day, and next morning was sitting in his favourite chair, reading the paper. After a few minutes, he put the paper down and looked around. Picked it up again and read a while longer, then put it down again and looked around. After about five times of this, Marje says, "Something wrong"? "Where's breakfast?", asks Tom. Marje replies, "You retired yesterday, didn't you?" "Yes," says Tom, "What's that got to do with anything?" "So did I", says Marje, sweetly. After Tom contemplates that answer for a moment or two, Marje continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll get breakfast now, and after breakfast is over, we'll sit down to discuss who's going to do what around here. How does that grab you?" We don't have record of Tom's reply. But this story seemed to receive a more positive response from the female portion of the audience than from their counterparts. Are there some interests of his in which you might develop an interest? Some of yours that might interest him, when he has more time on his hands? Perhaps you can develop some new paths that might be of interest to you both, when he isn't burdened by work any longer. Paid employment, that is - I realize that he's not the only one that works around your house, now. Good wishes to you both for a blessed New Year. ole joyful...See MoreAdult stepchildren, my spouse and our young child
Comments (6)Agree with the other posts. Why the he// do you stay with someone who, according to you, is wonderful, loving and generous with everyone else including his (not related to him) friends and employees, and treats you and your child like carp? And who expects you to pay for pretty well everything as well as doing all the housework? You're not only a skivvy, but a skivvy who supports this ingrate and enables him to be Mr Generosity to everyone else. I'd be moving back to my place and cutting all ties with this creep. You say you want your children to have a father, but this guy surely cannot possibly be the father you wanted for them, one who gives them the example that Mom is the household slave and who ignores them (forgetting to pick up one from day care???) in favour of others. You may not get child support but then it won't be an unfamiliar situation- you're not getting it now. This guy isn't a husband and father, he's a millstone. Time to slip your neck out of the hole, breathe free and have the chance to find someone who appreciates you, if that's what you want....See Morelost my spouse of 25 years 3 days ago
Comments (8)Dear Ava Mapp, your story is unbearable. I understand what you are feeling and a lot of it is just plain anger. This is simply not fair. We depend on these professionals to make the right judgement call. Afterwards they tell you that you have to "be your own advocate." Don't listen to that. I'd say that the only way you might be very sure that you are getting the best treatment is if you have a family member who is a doctor or nurse and checks up and asks questions every step of the way. Even then, they tell you the medicine is an art and mistakes can be made. So I've expressed my own anger here on your behalf and which I have experienced myself. And in case anyone objects that the medical profession is a healing one -- yes, it can be. But it fails us many many times. I am grateful that there is so much good care but there are too many instances like this. It is true, you are now on a roller coaster. Your husband's spirit is still nearby. I believe that. You are a loving wife and lost a wonderful husband and you need all the sympathy and help that surrounds you now and still it is just a bit of comfort. Please believe that he hears you and God hears you and will take care of him now. You are full of tears and that's how it will be for a long time. I don't know when it will end; for me, it's been only four months and I take it a day at a time. God bless your husband....See Morejoyfulguy
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