It's better to give than receive.

I did when I was younger, and I was hurt when friends didn't reciprocate in kind. Then some very kind friends sat me down and explained to me that my standards for friendship were unreasonably high, and I could either change them or constantly allow myself to feel hurt by people who loved me and weren't trying to hurt me.

So, over the years - and in spite of a highly idealistic temperament that made this very distasteful to me - I learned to expect less and appreciate more.

Now, I don't know whether this is an issue for you. Maybe you have realistic expectations and bad friends instead of unrealistic expectations and good friends, as I had. But I know I'm a lot happier now.

Of course, if your expectations are reasonable, and don't require your friends to be there for every little thing you go through, and allow for the fact that they have lives of their own, then maybe you have the wrong friends. As one of my friends says to her 8-year-old daughter when she's having trouble with a kid at school, "Friends are people who make you feel good most of the time. If you're not feeling good around that person very often, then they're probably not really your friend."

I'm so fortunate to have such loving and giving friends. I hope I'm as good to them. I try.

I don't think anyone can say it any better. Thanks Joann.

I have a terrible time finding "friends". :0) Friends want to put "me or dh" to work: on their car or their sprinkler system or shop thrift stores for them or invest their money for them or fix their computer..... the list goes on! Friends are like a second job!!! Not fun....which is why I don't keep friends for very long....it becomes a HUGE strain. I find people "use" me to motivate themselves. But all I feel is the "use" part of the deal. :0) DH is my best friend!!!! :0)

The people I meet are often too busy with work, kids, family that they don't need or seem to want someone to have coffee with once in a while. They never call, but chat when I call them. Often they are near impossible to plan anything with. I would love to have someone call me just to chat or get together for a walk or something.

~Candace

jillianrose
Exactly what joann23456 said.

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Nicole,
We all have work of our own and we all have work we need done. Asking friends to do the labors for us is only good if we reciprocate some way. I do work for a friend who spends time after that cooking wonderful meals for me to come home to. I do work for another friend who cuts and styles hair for me and DH. Barter system is wonderful and sharing work of friends can be a fine time but not if they are taking advantage of generous efforts and not doing something to "payback" the favor. When your "friends" keep asking for favors you have to learn to say something like this, "I'm so sorry but we have other plans. or "I am sorry but our time for relaxation is so short we are making an effort to not work on anything more than our own (whatever) for the time being." or "Maybe when we are less busy we'll be able to help." or "I sorry we are really busy and for now we just can't help with that"

liljunkr....I'm not complaining, I'm comensurating. :0)I feel ya!

I have girl friends. One is having us up to her place in the mountains next weekend for a camp out/sleep over. :0)

I don't place measurements on a friendship. I do know people who count who calls the most often, who does more favors, etc. Tit for tat is too much work for me.

I have 5 sisters...they are the only friends I need. I don't what I would do without them...

I have friends in different areas of the country, and different areas of activities.

Such as KT friends, cycling friends, gardening friends, knitting friends, German friends here in the US, and in Germany (the latter I only see once in a great while) and neighborhood friends. Some know each other, but most only know of the others through stories.

There are some friends I would do a lot for, and some that would do a lot for me. All are on their own level.

Moni

I was really hurt years ago by a friend and after that I really just stay to myself. I have a great friend at work and we do things outside of work as well and that works for me. I am with Nicole...my DH is my best friend.

I think true friendships develop over time. I don't like to jump right in. A lot of people refer to 'friends' what I would actually call acquaintances. I think women in general are pretty catty toward one another. That pretty quickly will end a 'friendship' for me.

my family is the most important to me, but having a great pal is so nice. i'm more a one on one type. i like to email, but i think email is dying out with facebook and all the other social networks. i dont think giving is better than receiving. i think sharing is the word i'd use, sharing lifes journey. i guess i get to close to friends, maybe i smother them. i just dont know

i have been hurt and maybe like firemanswife does...i should stay to myself for awhile. i have lots of aquaintances online. thats fun, so moving on is the right thing for me at this moment. its not healthy to sit and wai for contact. i just got tired of doing all the contacting. oh well, maybe i'm just a nut..LOL!!!!!!!

jillian

I have lots of friends and wonderful family members, too. Sometimes we do alot together and sometimes we are all busy doing other things. I don't get upset when things don't work out.. I had other thing in my life to do when friends or family aren't available.

I had a dear friend at one time that really hurt me badly. I learned really quickly what a true friend was. I just keep my distance. I caught her in several lies and that done it for me. She could have just told me the truth.. Sadly , she is one of those that can only be friends with one person at a time. She never liked it if I did something with someone else. Life is to short to be this way if they are true friends..

Susie

About who does the contacting ... I think you have to look at whether the other person just isn't good at initiating contact at all, or whether they just aren't initiating contact with *you*.

If it's the former, and if it's clear the other person enjoys your company (doesn't rush you off the phone, agrees to do things with you) then I say to just stop keeping count and contact them when you want. If you don't, you'll never get to see that person.

If the person doesn't initiate contact with you but does with others, or if s/he is always too busy to talk or to do things with you, then s/he's probably trying to give you the brush-off, and you might as well take the hint, since you can't be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you.

Maybe keep to yourself for a while, but don't let that become a habit. Family, even close family, isn't a substitute for friends, at least in my opinion. You need both.

Sometimes people who are generous don't mind being so, and I don't mind helping people, as my kids will testify.

Sometimes such people find it hard to accept the generosity of others graciously.

On the other hand ... I don't like being used, either, and if someone wants me to do things for them, and does so quite a number of times, but never seems to notice something that they might do for me without being asked, or, if asked, are continually unavailable, I think that I'd, maybe slowly, distance myself from that person.

My son's rather concerned that someone that he introduced me to has been, in his eyes, using/taking advantage of me. I don't feel that to be the case, and have asked my son to stop worrying.

I've been around for a while, and over a few hills and around a few corners ...

... so if someone takes advantage of me and makes rather a habit of it, I'll be making myself scarce.

I have a number of acquaintances, and some friends of differing intensity, but not many real close ones - there's quite a spectrum in terms of intensity, I'd say.

As you age, your friends seem to disappear ... evaporate (i.e. - die off).

Who's next?

ole joyful

At one time I was feeling like you are, particularly with someone who I consider to be one of my best friends. She had a lot going on in her life, still does, and needed to talk things out with me as she knows I'm a good listener. But I never felt the time was right to unload on her so I didn't. But I started to feel, when is it my time? How come it's onesided? Sounds whiney I know. Anyway, I took a step back, thought about how much her friendship means to me and just let it go. She never knew how I felt and I have just accepted the fact that in this lifetime, with this particular friend, it is what it is and to be grateful for all the other wonderful qualities she has.

Honestly, I've never thought about the "giving vs. getting" issue. I have a lot of casual friends, a smaller number of close ones, and I value them all.

A few days ago I wrote in my blog about two friends who helped me through a terrible time.

A Little Box of Tea

My husband and I got very friendly with another couple. we met bevcause I worked with the wife. We both have two kids, about the same age.we went to movies and restaurants and to backyard barbeques at both our homes. Then her husband died and she refused to associate with us as a couple. She was still friendly at work, but she wouldn't come to our house. Now my DH is my ONLY friend. I'm still in touch with my best friend from 6th grade, we get together about once a year. We exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. We are just not "tight" anymore. she's a single career gal and DH and I are both retired.

I have only a few friends, but I consider them very good friends.

As I got older, I found that your spouse is one of your very best friends, and its good to invest heavily in that relationship.

Yes, it's great to be close to one's spouse, but not to the exclusion of everyone else. Should you lose your husband or wife, it would be good not to be completely alone.

Jannie, I know a widow who won't do anything with couples. She feels so completely out of place without a partner. That could be what your former friend went through.

I have friends whom it seems I do a lot for... but in all reality I don't ask or want help with anything so they can't reciprocate . Just my personality (I'm sure a lot of us are like this). The things they ask for are things I enjoy doing anyhow, so I don't usually mind.

"if the person doesnt initiate contact with you but does with others" joann said this and its where the problem began in this friendship. for 6 years she was close to me, then i noticed it started to change. i put up with it long enough, it was always a source of sadness for me and at age 56 i want to feel happy and enjoy life. for 2 years i constantly felt the strain of the distance that was growing. i guess i wanted what we'd shared those 6 years, she didnt or she just didnt realize?? friendships are complicated. i do believe i gave it my all and i'm feeling good about moving on. its a big world, lots of new horizons waiting. i've enjoyed reading all your stories

thanks everyone

jillian

In single parent, or singles, groups I've found/heard that many women, especially (but true of men, as well), found that, after they lost their spouse, they got just no interest from their same-gender friends in having them to their home ... they were willing to spend time together, elsewhere, during the day, etc., but would no longer let this single person near their spouse.

ole joyful