I'd ask her when I could come over with some boxes to help her pack up to prepare for the movers.

I can't tell, from what she wrote, if she wants you to help her pack or to loan her money. Or both.

This is a tough call. First, I would not loan/give her any money. Next, how sick is she and could you get it--especially the coughing. She is moving the big stuff and then over a period of 3 weeks moving more stuff. Does she work? Who/what is Cathy's house--apts?? Are you the only one she is asking or are their others? Why is reserving her reaction for later? If I needed help, I would state I would appreciate it, not demand it like it appears to me. Why is she never going to get a raise etc, or promotion. If you decide to help her pack, I would not go alone. Take someone else even if that person just sits there. If you go, lock your purse in the trunk of the car, leave the check book home. Set a time and tell her that you can help from xxx to xxx on xxx only. Has she already got boxes or after you get there you have to find them. How far away is she? Lots of things I see here that I don't like. We went thru this with a relative. Called up, chatted a few minutes then asked for a considerable size of money. Told her we had to think about it, decided against it and haven't heard much back other that she found out she really did not need that much.
Just be very careful.

Well I don't know how she got to where she is so I'll reserve judgment on that.

But since she didn't really ask for money or help with the move I would respond to what she did ask for. A friend.

I would write her and tell her I am sorry times are rough right now. I would also tell her that I am sure with time things will get better and that you are there to listen if she needs an ear.

What WC said.

I agree with wildchild and LindaKathy. Just respond that you're sorry to hear that she's having a tough time, and that you know it really helps to have someone to talk to. Tell her to feel free to write to you any time she feels the need to talk.

She's sort of implying that she needs assistance with the move and/or some money, but since she didn't come right out and ask in plain words, it's easy to just pass on over the implication...

I agree with WC, LindaKathy and Lindsey.. and be clear about being able to help by listening. This is how my sister starts when she wants money. She starts out by "softening me up", or softening up whoever she's approaching. She explains her tough financial position just like your friend did. Then she comes right out and asks for money, and then she gets nasty when you say no. My sister has real financial problems, but she created them herself, and doesn't change her ways have that led her to be in that situation. The reason I'm telling you this is so that you can prepare how you will respond if your friend starts asking you for money. Hopefully, she won't put you in that position.

Hello mimi...

I'd tell her I'm sorry she's having so much trouble right now and then I'd offer to EITHER help her move, but you don't have any extra money at this time OR I'd give her a little money and tell her you just can't help with moving right now.

Then I'd make sure she knows that although she has it tough right now that she's doing the right thing by downsizing and eventually she will be out of her mess and will not only be proud of herself for doing it but appreciate what she has left when all is said and done.

nola anne

I also would offer my help in packing, and just being there as a friend. No money. The "plan" this woman has is a dream -to pay off all debts and fix credit in 6 months? If she is being evicted, she is at least 2 month behind on her rent.

I would listen to her, help her pack....but no money. You might just be the next on the list of potential enablers for her financial irresponsibility. She is not out of work...she has income, and the best way to really learn financial responsibility is to work oneself out of it.

It doesn't really sound like she is asking for money. As others said, it sounds like she just needs a friend and emotional support right now, maybe some help packing (and perhaps she really just wants a friend by her side for that).

I don't know her but it sounds like she really put herself out there and I'd try to put myself in her shoes and offer whatever support I could. I certainly wouldn't kick someone when they are this far down.

Lending money is the easiest way to ruin a friendship. I won't do it. If I know someone is that broke, I would do things like treat them to a meal instead. I don't know all the circumstances but it looks like she has time to do the move, doing a bit at a time and it may be that she just wants a shoulder to cry on. Being just a friend to her may be all that she really wants.

Take it with a grain of salt. If I see a beggar on the street,I'll give him a qyuarter but that's it. If you think it's legit, phone the person (if you recognize her) and find out if she really needs help. Don't answer that Email.

>> Why is reserving her reaction for later?

mariend, I think that sentence was written by Mimi-boo, telling us that she would tell us her reaction after she's heard ours. Correct me if I'm wrong, mimi.

I don't know what she's asking for, either. Perhaps you could just reply to her (either email or phone) and say you're sorry for what she's going through, and asking what it is that she'd like you to do? Assuming what she's asking for could get you on a very wrong track.

S

I think Mimi-boo you recognize that there is at the very least an implied request for money or you wouldn't be posting here for input. I think your instincts & unease are spot on. She's 45 & in over her head...... 0.... as she says. She's had at least a couple of decades to get her spending ways under control. She's obviously spent that time living beyond her means. Giving her $ at this time simply enables her. You don't even feel that close to her: "....friend (off and on)". You've had some good suggestions here as to how to put her off & she, herself, gave you 2: your mother & Christopher. Use them all if you need to. How much empathy/sympathy you want to extend depends on the degree that you wish to keep the friendship "on".

I can't really figure it out... with her ranting about never making more and nothing to show for it, she may really just be venting...then again, it's hard to tell without knowing her. Can you call her and just talk -- you can find out what type of cold she has, etc... to see if maybe you can help move later in the month.

How about asking for her new address and telling her you'll stop by and bring dinner after she moves. I wouldn't even let money become part of the conversation... If she asks just firmly tell her "Oh, no, I'm sorry we don't lend money" (and say it like she just asked to sleep with your husband -otherwise she may keep asking). I'd go as far as to get off the phone if money even comes up... be prepared...

It sounds like he is on the right path to get himself back on the road financially. Why should you interfere now? I'm assuming that it was his choice to move into a cheaper studio, and is not being evicted.

He'll manage. Send your regards and well wishes and just say you'll be there for advice if needed. A month is enough for them to pack their small things, unless he continues to be sick. Sounds like you have enough on your plate so help from afar. It sounds harsh, but you don't know where the finish line is.

Oops, not sure if it's male or female.

If she is truly a friend of yours and if you have some spare time I would go and help her pack boxes. I would not lend her money, but maybe suggest some type of credit counseling (the free government program) that could lower her credit card bills. If she really doesn't make much, maybe you could help find her government assisted housing for when her 6 months at Cathy's is over. Some of them (in my area at least) are very nice.

I think if you two were close enough friends, you would KNOW what to do. The fact that you don't know speaks volumes.

Email her back and agree with her that you are swamped with responsibilities right now. Then tell her that while you have to tend to your current responsibilities, she should feel free to email you and you will continue to offer encouragement as she works to free herself from her financial handcuffs.

I agree with "everyone" above! Send her your sympathy, try to be a friend by listening. No money.

Mimi-boo, are you going to tell us more, including your reaction?

Sorry for the delay. I've drafted my response to Lisa, but I haven't sent it yet.

More background - I've helped Lisa move three times, she's helped me once. Lisa and I went on a girls weekend once back in 2008. I've just been paid back this past March for the remaining amount of her portion.

I don't believe in her priorities and in some cases, I believe they have led to her financial difficulties. She has two daughters - neither of which graduated from high school, but dropped out. I think one now has her GED. Neither daugther has a job nor can seem to hold one.

She's now adopted two dogs. Both daugthers have totalled their cars. So she's now shopping for vehicles for them.

I think I'm just done. Just today, she's sending me messages at work asking if I'm avoiding her. As many here know, I've got my own full plate.

Like I said, I've drafted my response to her. I think I'll sit on it for a while, reread all of your responses for the third time, and probably rewrite all that I have written before sending anything.
Barbara

Don't touch that response. It's perfect. Hit send now.

Linda

You know. I had a friend years ago that I liked a lot. We laughed and had a great time when times were good. Unfortunately, her life would go from one major crisis to another. I found myself spending more time worrying about her (smoked and had asthma), her crappy drunken hubby and wild children than she did.
It takes a toll.
I decided I wasn't going to be able to help her, and she certainly wasn't doing me any good. One day while I was on the phone with her and she was smoking again, I decided I had had enough.
I wish her well still, but I couldn't bear her problems anymore.
So is that what you are doing too?

I sent it. I have a gut feeling she'll be hurt and angry, but it's done. Thank you all for your input. You're all like my big sisters!

There was little question in my mind that your 'friend' was asking for $600.00. I have a friend that use to exasperate me like this one. At 60 years of age they had a total savings account of $17,000 and they lived well above their means. When he lost his job, how long do you think that lasted? If she comes right out and directly asks for the money, I would just tell her that things are a little tough right now but you would be glad to help with the packing (that's if you chose to do so) or help her find a job or lead her in the right direction for financial aid and that is it.....or, just tell her that your plate is full right now with your own problems and you wish you could be of more help to her but you're physically and mentally exhausted. I say this last part because my gut feeling is that she is not really a very close friend but more of a user. I'm sure if she were a really close friend and you could afford it, none of this would really be an issue.

Although you have a full plate, it's up to you whether to continue to communicate. It could be very nice to send some support (verbal that is) and perhaps some links to websites on money management, frugal living and whatever you think would be appropriate.

If you could help pack that would be great. Otherwise maybe you know of some volunteer help? A church, scout troop or something? Sometimes a referral can be quite a donation in itself. Maybe she needs some help planning the move. If you could help there, or refer to websites or something is a no-cost but helpful contribution.

She said she needs her friends now, and does. I guess you know whether you want a friendship with her or not but if you do, a little emotional support can go a long way. Changing a lifestyle can be traumatic. Like I said before an email or call occasionally can mean a lot.

You know how she got into this situation so you'll know better than we as to what she needs to get out of it. An email mentioning a free concert in the park, or a parade to watch is far better if she's one to spend on entertainment. Frugal meal ideas if she goes overboard on food spending. Thrift store locations if she's a clothes addict. And a pat on the back for her accomplishments, even minor ones can mean the world to a person going through stressful times.

Sounds like she's on the right track. That deserves at least a compliment and some emotional support.

Good luck to you both.

She doesn't need help packing or moving. She has 2 daughters. She's asking for money plain & simple. If she's really a friend exercise some tough love and don't help her. She needs to start extracating herself from the messes she gets into. Otherwise she'll never learn. JMO

We'd be interested in hearing how this turns out.. I was wondering, since you said she was and on & off friend -- when was the last time she contacted you. I've had some 'friends' that ONLY contacted me when they needed something from me -- help, money, etc. Never just to talk, be a friend, etc.

I'm sorry to say, when I read your first post--with her letter, it immediately raised a pack of red flags. Anyone who has a list of excuses like that, who has all month to move (but needs the help now, when she's got the excuse of being recently sick)--is more likely than not, a user who rarely takes responsibility for themselves.

Your further input only confirmed my opinion that this woman is the kind who is always looking to others to take care of her responsibilities

I've met a few people like that in my life. They never change. They never get their finances together. They never get a stable home set up (they're usually moving from place to place as things start to overwhelm them). They start hinting at needing a little help, move up to asking for it, progress to begging for money (eventually large sums), and then attempt to make friends and family feel really guilty if they can't/won't help.

Sadly, people who fall into that group never ever seen to get things reorganized. I don't know your friend--you do. IF she's one of the hardcore users I'm talking about, there's really nothing good to come from sacrificing your time, money and emotions on her. Those people are bottomless pits who will drag you down with them. On the other hand, if she's truly someone who has just hit a short stretch of bad times, there may be some value in helping her. BUT think carefully before you do. Do not ever give someone in a bad way cash--pay a utility bill for them, buy them a bag of groceries. It's okay to help someone pack--as long as they're working at least as hard as you are (but if you get over there and she decides she needs to sit in a chair and supervise as you work yourself to exhaustion, I'd suddenly remember a previous engagement--LOL).

Remember--it's good for our character to help someone who needs it. It's bad for THEIRS if we help them continue to be deadbeats. Best help you can give someone is to help them learn to stand on their own 2 feet.

My belief is that anyone who writes the dollar amount in a letter like that is asking for the money. You did the right by letting her know your feelings. She needs to reread her last sentence "I'm 45 and I have nothing to show for it".

Mimi-boo, I'm still not understanding whether you know what she was asking for. Others on here seem to have concluded what she wanted, but do you know for sure? Did you ask her what help she was requesting or did you already know because you know her?

I never asked, because I know her and her behavior. It was either help moving or money - and I can't do either.

Thanks for everyone's input. I sent her my lenghty email and put it as gently as I could.

I probably won't hear from her again but like someone posted above - it's become a toxic friendship.

Are you sure this isn't a scam attempt by someone who might have hacked her e-mail account?

No kfram19 - it's not a hacker. She emailed me both through FB and to my work email account as well as sending me chat messages on FB and through Yahoo messenger.