I don't really have anyone that makes them to me but I do have a friend that's a master at passing them out to others. She can "zing" someone with a remark and it takes them a while to catch what she says, as she's a pro at it.

I don't react to it. If you react in any way, the snidester knows he/she has gotten to you and they win!

The right response is to ignore the comment. If you aren't "getting it", you are by default ignoring the comment. So, you are doing the right thing.

I agree with Cindy. And I would add to try to avoid being with her.

Yes, sometimes it does because I attribute far more character to the person, so I simply assume that they don't mean any disrespect.

But, when the light bulb does go off, I see all the past remarks that I somehow simply pushed away, in a very clear light.

I'm extremely curious - how did she respond when her husband pointed this out to you? This is something I'm dying to know.

She does NOT sound like a person whose basic makeup is decent and respectful, in general. People who indulge in remarks like this to others are (to me) toxic people with a mean streak.

I'm glad you are aware of this now - it's up to you to demand a show of basic respect from her from here on out - call her on this stuff every time. She will continue with this behavior if you allow it.

I imagine your feelings are hurt? Mine would be.

My DIL!
She doesn't think before she speaks.
I tend to ignore, but one remark I could not let pass by, so I mentioned to DS on Sunday.

Oh ya I get it! But I give it right back when she's least expecting it! It has happened less often since I decided to just not take it anymore. Getting some of her own medicine must sting a bit!
DH thinks it's hilarious!

I won't let anyone use me as a doormat, and I would be up
in her face. But I like to fight.

I just recently gave a jar of orange marmalade to a friend and his wife...Today he was by and I had been making strawberry jam so I gave him a small jar of it and he said....

Thanks for the strawberry jam and "that other stuff" whatever it was...I interjected here...Orange Marmalade and he said ..yeah well we don't eat much of that stuff anymore ...we're watching our weight....

so I sent her an email and said...feel free to give it to one of the kids, I forgot you were dieting..

No, they usually don't. I don't think that I go around just looking to be resentful but I can usually spot an arrow when it whizzes by my head! LOL

I get them all the time from my MIL and FIL. It drives me nuts!! I think it is very mean. As for the comment "busy little salad" I doubt I would have picked up on that one. It doesn't sound like such a bad comment to me. I'd need to hear the actual voice.

Maybe it's because I wasn't there, but from what's been said I don't see any offense to really be taken. One of my pet peeves is people with if you can't say anything NICE don't say anything at all baloney and so many are indoctrinated into that so much they can't tell the truth. That said, it's still possible that she was trying to find a nice way to say there's a lot of stuff in there, which to many would be far more offensive than to say it's "busy". The hubby's comment was interesting but it could be he misinterpreted it too or something else we don't know.

Like I said, I just don't see anything to get up in arms about. Now to the question, I guess snide is a bit subjective. What can be a compliment can be considered rude, snide or otherwise. For instance if someone says Well, don't you look nice! can offend someone or be taken as a compliment. The ones that like to find fault would go "they should have said I/she was 'beautiful' but says 'nice'..." And yes I've seen a lot of that, in life and on forums too! LOL

I'm Scandinavian and from Minnesota. "You could look a lot worse" or "doesn't look too bad" are high praise here. But I know a lot of people who would be all bent out of shape if they heard it.

There's times that it's satisfying to shall we say damn by faint praise? When my nieces were born, some friends and I were talking and they asked if I had seen them and I said yes, they're really cute. They don't look anything like (their mother). Well they broke out laughing and said, you know, that could be taken two ways! But I assured them it was only intended in ONE way! :)

No, it doesn't go over my head. I may cut someone a little slack for one time, but I am on to them, and one more smart remark, if it is meant in a mean way, and they are history. I can take a joke as well as the next person...maybe even better, but I don't waste my time on people who are sarcastic in a mean sort of way.

I get the snide remark, it does not usually go over my head. I just don't care most of the time. I just take that information and add it to what I've learned about the snidester's character. "Consider the source" is wisdom that comes to mind.

But if someone makes snide comments to me often enough, I just want it to stop. I'll say "You are obviously trying to make a point. Go ahead and just make it." If they can't just say it outright, they know it probably should not be said and they back off.

I am guilty of making snide comments myself sometimes. I am very sarcastic, and it's a fine line, sometimes I cross it. I could remind myself to just make my point directly more often. I don't mean to offend anyone, my intent is to use humor but I don't always succeed.

I imagine that BIL knows his wife better than anyone else and that he's been on the receiving end of her comments enough to know that that WAS a dig and by bringing it to your attention, sounds like he's pretty sick of her little comments!

I almost always "get it", but I may not react to it at that time to the sayer's face. If he or she does it a few times, though, I'm either going to say something back or I'm going to distance myself from it forever.

And Cynic's right, there's a big difference between people from up north and southerners. I notice it a lot.

can we have the recipe for your "busy" salad?? sounds good to me!

I ignore snide remarks and figure others hearing them know how rude they are and I don't want to lower my standards by being snide right back.

btw...I had a very delicious 'busy little salad recently'. It had several kinds of greens, and a wonderful dressing, some other things, but the thing that made it the best was the chopped pecans. The salad at the bottom of the bowl, as it got emptied, was the best, as it had the most pecans in it.

Sue

This was about, gosh, 15 years ago. I still love her to death and I still just let the remarks go, if I even "get" them. Water off a duck's back.
Susan - a "busy" salad is just a normal green salad, to me. Lettuce, carrots, celery, radishes, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, black olives, tomatoes, shredded cheese...(it does look "busy" when I type it all out. LOL) It's really good though and now I want one!

We eat a salad every single night. The busier it is, the better it takes, but I don't do "busy" every night, that's too much work *LOL*

I'd have to give you a lot of history to tell you about this one, but yeah the guy who said it was a best friend of DH's and wen't straight on my "butt head list" as soon as it fell out of his mouth, let's just say, he's aware he made a huge faux pas and probably won't make the same mistake twice ;o)

Cynic, I agree with you on one point - southern behavior vs the rest of the country is very different. I'm from the deep south and there is *no* doubt that southern hospitality exists in a way that it does not elsewhere. It's a good thing and I treasure this about my south.

I couldn't agree more that there are ways of saying things in one place that wouldn't translate in another - but I've also found that in a fairly short period of time, the tone of voice says far, far more than the chosen words.

Being a military family, I've lived all over the country and have been able to compare the different ways of life and regional self-expression - it's really almost like comparing some different cultures of entire countries, we are that vast and different within our own nation.

However, southern people know exactly how to get a mean spirited point across with a thick coat of honey absolutely smothering the point - they absolutely excel at it. They can (and do) make the most hurtful, terrible remarks that would fly right over a person from, say, the mid -west's head. But, the other southerner in the room would "get it" the minute it left the lips.

People paint the same all over the nation, they just apply it differently depending upon the region.

When others live in the deep south for even a fairly short amount of time, I've found they catch on to this quite quickly. They generally never get as good as a southerner at it because this is something learned at your mother's knee, but they do catch on quite well and fairly quickly - thank God for it. In their new social circle, they can then figure out what's the wheat and what's the chaff when they learn how to "listen" to what's being said.

I get quite concerned about an enthusiastic embracement of "truth telling" - sometimes an unhurtful way as possible of telling something to someone that they simply must hear to avoid pain really IS necessary. But, if it makes the one doing the telling feel a bit self satisfied and inwardly "smirky" after saying it - then the whole conversation reflects far more on one than the other.

"Truth" can, and these days often does, provide not only a cover but also a vent for a lot of poison to spill. Personally, I have found that my mother knew what she was taking about when she taught the rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say....."

This is what I have discovered in my life:
This world is chock full of people more than happy to explain the "truth" to others and yet seem far less interested in doing a little fact finding about themselves.

But, I think I get you about the "truth" thing - telling someone the truth can be a real blessing to that person and make *the* difference in their lives. Or, simply help them to avoid embarrassment about that bit of spinach in their teeth.

I've found that true friends and also generally decent people aren't afraid of necessary exchanges of truth between them - and more importantly, are always aware when the 'truth' is more subjective and unnecessary to point out.

This is an interesting conversation!

Sometimes they do..just depends on who's saying it and the reason. BUT, usually I can comeback with something!lol

LOL at Mylab!
I was born and raised in Ohio. I moved away 14 years ago, but I won't count the years in south Florida as "the south," just the 8 years in Tennessee and Georgia.

I have learned: "Bless your heart" is a *very* loaded statement! LOL! It would be perfectly acceptable to intend criticism with "This is a busy little salad" as long as it was followed up with "Bless your heart."

I like the "Bless Your Heart" come back. I am surely gonna use that from now on. Love it, love it, love it. Teehee. I can just see the evil PERSON in my life getting a "bless your heart" from quiet little ol' me. Neener neener. SHE won't know what cat jumped outa the bag. hee hee. I am feeling BRAVE and FIESTY TONIGHT. (eyebrows twitching with excitment at the thoughts of a good comeback at last!!!)

I get those comments but let them roll off....makes Sydney and Brian both mad they say you need to speak up not let people run over you...tonight at Tan's grad. their are never enough seats....we stopped in the eisle and was looking around and a lady behind me said EXCUSE ME and I just looked at her...I would never stand in front of someone and mind you if I did she was at least 5 inches taller then me and could see over me...but I would never do that...I was just standing looking around to see where I could go....oh my gosh Sydney was fuming....she was like you are lucky we moved when we did because I was going to say something to her....we were just looking it was a good 20mins before the grad. started and if she would have said "excuse but you are standing in front of me" that would have been better then her rude remark loudly but I just let it roll off..I hate confrontations....so much I can't stand them...stacy

I'm always saying, Bless your heart, or Bless my heart. LOL

I also have to ditto Marilyn C's comments.

I've received and given snide remarks..neither one is a good thing. I hate myself when I'm a B!tch! I always hope for forgiveness as I try to forgive others.