IMO, forgiveness is putting something aside, relieving you of the emotional energy of the situation.
It is not forgetting.
Forgiving does not include opening yourself to more hurt.

My opinion only!
I cannot forgive unless I am ASKED to forgive.
Which will never happen!
So I continue to hurt!

Forgiveness isn't for the other person(s) (that needs forgiveness), it's for YOU! YOU make the decision that the hate/revenge/grudge/feeling is not going to control YOU! YOU let go of the hurt or offense and move on, without the extra baggage. Does that mean you have to see the person again? I don't think so. I have forgiven people and now I can pass and re-pass with them and it not bother me. On the other hand..if I never saw them again, I'd be OK with that. Could I forgive someone that hurt or murdered my child. Probably, but it would be a long process and in the end, it would be for ME! Hate/Revenge is a heavy burden to carry and it can consume/control you.Does that mean I'd allow that person to come in contact with one of my other children...NO WAY! You could be setting yourself up for the same hurt all over again.

Well said Monica and Country bumpkin. Why waste any more energy or thought on something that can only remind you of the injury. Maybe we need another word to use rather than forgiveness which seems to imply that the other party has done something to redeem the hurt they caused.

Here's something I wrote for wikihow (see link below). The Aramaic word for forgive is shaw and it means, untie.

Here is a link that might be useful: How to forgive

Country Bumpkin said it well. I don't know who said it first, but to me this is the essence of forgiveness:

"Forgiveness is not approval of the action; forgiveness is releasing it from controlling us."

We do it for us, not for them. For our physical, mental, and spiritual health. Because if we don't it eats away at us.

The best revenge IS forgiveness, because we did not let "them" get to us and destroy us.

But forgiveness doesn't mean we forget. That would be stupid. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we automatically trust that person again. Sometimes they can earn our trust again, but it is not our obligation to allow that to happen either. Sometimes we can forgive someone and allow them back into our lives, sometimes that is not a wise choice.

Ann Landers (maybe Dear Abby) had a good definition. It went something like this "Forgiveness is the scent of the violet on the boots that crushed it."

Interesting thoughts. I don't have to hold onto something to disassociate myself with someone who, for instance robs a vulnerable adult. I find it deplorable when someone "forgives" and re-establishes a relationship with someone like this who makes no effort to apologize or attone for the misdeed under the misguided theory of "forgive and forget". Once that happens, in my opinion you not only condone and endorse the actions but also encourage more of it.

Life is too short to force yourself to associate with slimeballs. If you can't find someone better, enjoy your own company. I won't compromise my ethics and morals to associate with someone with whom I don't care to associate.

My motto used to be I may forgive, but I won't forget! As I age, I see the error in that, I don't think it's required to "forgive" to accept a situation, let go and move on. I call that "maturity". And while I don't usually truly "forget" I can dismiss it and keep a relationship even though I believe their action was wrong if for instance I'm convinced they felt it was right.

Guess a lot is how a person defines "forgive". And yes, I believe there are things that are unforgiveable.

CB and Donna already said all I was thinking!

Lots of wisdom here. I liked what Monica, Country Bumpkin, and Donna said.

As others have said, forgiveness does not mean that you condone wrong behavior.

It means that you understand the other person made a bad choice for some misguided reason. You let go of resentment and move on.

I know, easier said than done. But some wise person said, holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. You only end up hurting yourself.

petaloid , easier said than done!

Yes, glenda, that's exactly what I said.

It's hard, but we have to try -- it's in our own best interest.

There are different forgivenesses, I think. There are for me, anyway.

Of course you forgive children for things they do; you forgive strangers for bumping into you and knocking you down; you forgive a friend who kept something from you. Those things that can come up at any moment, and it takes nothing to forgive them, because you understand that there was no intent to harm.

It's harder to forgive someone who does intentionaly hurt you ... either physically or mentally.

After 18 years, I forgave my ex-husband for being both physically and mentally abusive. I did it because I was so tired of hating him, it took so much out of me every time there was an outing with his family that I wanted my daughter to participate in. He never asked for forgiveness because to him, he'd never done anything wrong. I never told him that I forgave him, because it wasn't any of his business. It was a gift to myself, and the difference was absolute. After it occurred, I was able to be around him and not make other people uncomfortable with the tension. I continued to choose *not* to be around him if I didn't have to be, but we both attended our daughter's wedding and even the new mother-in-law was amazed at how civil we were. She'd been deathly afraid of a row of some kind!

I do believe some things are unforgiveable. Taking pleasure in a deliberate action that you know causes someone else pain ... that's unforgiveable. Do I think I could forgive someone who raped or murdered someone I love? At this time, no ... I'm not that strong.

well said Stoney...very well said.

How do we forgive someone who hurts us?

Say a daily pray for that person, hoping that they find peace and happiness in their life. Do this daily for a few weeks, and I think that you will find your pain lessening.

I'm curious about something. Is forgiving solely to benefit oneself a rather selfish motivation? Ironically, if one forgives a selfish person solely to make themself feel better would that be the ultimate eye-for-an-eye?! :) I always understood forgiveness to be something of a gift to be given and done for the benefit of someone else. As I said, I guess a lot depends on peoples' definitions and some have redefined for whatever reason.

Another question: by not forgiving do you truly have to be holding a grudge, hatred or otherwise? You honestly cannot let something go, end a grudge or are unable to not obsess about something without forgiving?

Interesting topic. Different people deal with things in different ways.

Don't know about forgiving, but I've always heard that the best revenge is to have a good life. I used to struggle (and still do sometimes) with a person who, I thought, had wrecked my life. Now that I have an even better one, I find it easier to deal with her when I have to see her. Also, I think getting older and seeing things in a different light, sometimes, helps.

Now if it involves my kids or any time of abuse, etc. that might be a different story. I'm always amazed that parents can meet with a criminal who killed their child and say, "I forgive you." Man! That takes an awfully strong person to do that. JMHO

Hi, cynic ...

Your questions are as interesting as the original!

"Is forgiving solely to benefit oneself a rather selfish motivation?"

That's very possible! By nature, I'm not an unselfish person. I don't assume the best of everyone, and am not a nurturer. Forgiving, for me, means to give the problem to God. To trust Him enough to give up the control I was maintaining over the hatred/dislike. And when I do this, He gives me back the relief and takes away the power that the offender/action had over me. The gift the offender receives can be known or unknown by them .. if they believe the way I do, they will also feel the relief even if they don't know why. You've heard of people who suddenly feel a wonderful comfort, for no known reason? I think it can happen like that.

In the case of a selfish offender, I haven't really encountered a serious issue with that. I can overlook a lot (probably because I'm not the most sensitive soul on the planet), so normal, daily instances where someone has done something selfish, I don't even think about. No forgiveness, because what they did isn't a real issue for me.

"by not forgiving do you truly have to be holding a grudge, hatred or otherwise? You honestly cannot let something go, end a grudge or are unable to not obsess about something without forgiving?"

Again, for me ... I'm not an obsessor, I'm not feeding the negative emotion on a regular basis. But it's still there, like a sore that doesn't heal, and pops up when I least expect it. I cannot honestly end a grudge without forgiveness nor can I get past true hatred without forgiveness. I may not obsess about something but if the emotion is strong, I need forgiveness to get through it. Because that means it's something I can't/won't do on my own and I need God's help.

I can forgive little things without help from God, like the driver who almost ran into me when he was switching lanes while yakking on the cellphone. Because if I don't forgive him and say a little prayer that he doesn't hurt anyone with his crazy driving, then "I" am in a bad mood for a portion of the day, and he's in control! Selfish of me? Probably. But it's what I do.