I"m all for free speech, but jeez!!!! What's wrong with these people??

My dad died suddenly when I was 10 yrs old. This came up in conversation once at work and my EVIL boss said something to the effect of, "You're lucky your dad died loving you all, my parents went through a nasty divorce and we ended up hating my dad." I was so shocked I really had no response.

Oh, boy......appalling is right.

I was nine years old when my mother died suddenly from using a dangerous rug cleaner. She'd had a miscarriage seven months earlier, and we'd all wanted that baby so much. I'm sure a lot of people said some lovely things to my dad and me at my mom's funeral, but my most vivid memory is of this: "It's a good thing she lost that baby. You wouldn't want to have to raise it now."

My daughter Gillian died on May 28, 2001. A few years ago on May 28, I ran into someone at the supermarket who wished me a "happy anniversary."

And then there was a religious card I received after Gillian died. It was sent by a neighbor who used to give me a hard time about not going to church. The card read, "The wages of sin are death."

Fortunately, the good things people have said to me outnumber the bad by about a million to one.

How wounding as well as appalling these terrible things are. My mother is guilty (Me too, perhaps) of soo many of those un-thinking and sometimes mean-spirited and painful memories. I decided many years ago that my "karma" was being tested, because for years and thru several moves, I kept having neighbors and "only friends" in these places that were just like her and "my life lesson" was to learn how to deal with it. It is hard to not feel wounded in your very soul; but if you can study where it comes from, usually you will find a wounded soul just being who they learned to be from another wounded soul. I think MY lesson was/is to be concious of my words (because "her"words are in my memory cells) and to REALLY think and speak from the heart, truthfully but not leaving wounds. (left handed typini takes lots of time, but my son told me it is a good exercise for the brain...exercising today!

When we first moved in my male neighbor, then 41yo said these things to me: Any woman over the age of 30 is ugly(I was 31). My DH looked like Ichibod Crane, he's so skinny. I should garden his yard for him, because I liked menial labor and he didn't. :0)

The real killer (no pun intended) was the doctor at Fox Chase Medical center in Philadelphia who DH went to for when diagnosed with a "ready to burst" Abdominal aneurysm that was found a week after a diagnosis of prostate cancer.
Her advice was not to treat either the aneurysm or the cancer because "you'll bleed to death very quickly, and that's a lot easier than the slow painful death you face from the cancer".

We never set forth in that hospital again, aneurysm was repaired, and he lived another 2 years pain free until the day he died.

My SIL mentioned that her (adult) son should die before she does because there's no way he could live without her. She feels she could deal better with the loss than he.

That was said about 10 years ago and it still makes me shake my head.

Ok, bear with me for a minute. Think back to hundreds of years ago... only say, 3 million people on the planet. Today, we have how many? Say you believe in reincarnation... sooo many fractured souls returning... with less and less brain power... -- ok... maybe not the best - but it sure could explain the stupidity and insensitiveness of sooooo many people - don't ya think? And then again, maybe not.

Amazing, isn"t it what people say....Over 20 years ago my daughter and her husband lost their first baby to SIDS, he was 6 months old. A friend of my daughter had a son only a month older.. her lifestyle was very loose at the time, she was a single Mom, liked to party, not very responsible... At the funeral, she told my daughter" it should have happeded to me, not you" WE were all left speechless...

I was my husbands second wife, no children from that union, short 2 year marriage in their very young youth. Anyway, we had been married a little over a year, I was 3 months pregnant and we were over to my in-laws for a BBQ. My MIL is introducing me to some of her friends....."This is Jan, my son's wife". Jan is not my name, but it was the name of his first wife, who they much preferred. Three grand children later and she still introduced me as Jan.

My ML always referred to me as "Franny's wife". Not even a first name.
His father's 2nd wife referred to me as "My Daughter-in-law, Monica".

When I was a student nurse I was assigned to the mental ward of our county hospital....there was a woman well known in the county as Tow Sack Annie. She was there on a 72 hour hold. She was an interesting woman and marched to a different drummer.....but not mentally ill. She was telling me about giving birth to co-joined twins when she was a young woman and they had died. I told her I was really sorry. She replied, "I am, too. I could have joined the circus with them and traveled all over." I was stunned. (But this was in the early 1960's.)
When our youngest son was killed in a tragic accident, the director of Hospice told me she knew exactly how I felt because her kitten had recently died. I was upset at the time but came to realize she was responding out of love and caring in the only way she knew.

I thought of another comment that floored me.
My dad had passed away from cancer, and I was not able to attend his memorial in another state.
The memorial was scheduled for 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
I asked my boss, that although I was not able to attend the service, I wanted to leave the office and go home to spend the afternoon with my own thoughts and memories.
He said, Well that seems silly, you can't do anything for him now that he is gone. He said that when his father died he was in the same situation and knew my feelings were raw, but to leave work was not really necessary in his opinion.
I turned around and got my purse and walked out the door and went home anyway. SOB
Not a week later, I heard a page go out for him overhead, that his father was holding on line 2.
I was doubly horrified that he lied to me about his father dying when he was very much alive.
I never forgave him for his cruel words to me that day.

Trin

Trin's story reminds me of when I was 19 and my mom passed away suddenly. I was working at a restaurant, and told my boss that I might need a few weeks off. After three days he told me I should be over it already and to come back to work. I told him to shove it and found a new job, which ended up in me getting into my current field! If he hadn't have been such a jerk, I may not even be in the same field I am today, or the same city (I moved here to get my degree in psychology, which is what the new job got me interested in).

I just thought of another, this one a little different.

A surgeon was removing a raised birthmark from my 8-year-old daughter's back, and I was there. He and I chatted a bit during the prep, and he said to me, "What do you do?"

I said, "I'm a mother."

He said, "Oh. I thought you sounded intelligent."

I was an unwed mother when my oldest was born. One day my Mom was talking about a neighbor girl who was now pregnant and unwed. She said "I never thought she'd be one of THOSE kind of girls". I looked at her and said...Thanks a lot Mom, so I'm one of "those" kind of girls? Boy did she do some back tracking, but I now knew how she really felt.

I am so sorry for all of you who've lost loved ones and had to suffer the awful comments from people.

Vickey-MN

I went to a funeral for a 3 year old and someone said "God needed a new angel in Heaven." Who wants a God like that?

It's almost 6 yrs. since my oldest daughter Tracy (28)
died due to deep depression caused
by an emotionally abusive husband.

My next door neighbor who we have known
for over 22 yrs. was standing outside
talking with us & he told me
"I don't believe in suicide."
I thought to myself did he just say that.
Yet his wife stood with me with tears
running down her face as she told me
how sorry she was.

We still help them with their yard work
even though I will never forget how
appalling his statement was.
He grew up in a different time
with different beliefs.

My mother's aunt sent me an article written
by Fr. Ron Hollister about suicide printed
in the Catholic Herald.
It was a comfort from someone I hardly knew
& is why I sign emails & posts with "gentle hugs"

When my father died at 53 after a long bout with cancer a well meaning (?) neighbor said it was "better than having him in a wheelchair or something." ????

I remember my brother's roommate that he had one year and he came from a large size family, there was 10 kids. And his youngest brother was hit by a car and killed. Someone told the mom that oh, well, she still has 9 more kids.

My best friend's husband died a year ago, after suffering from a degenerative brain disease - not Alzhiemer's, but even more devastating, and far quicker. It was less than a year before symptoms appeared until his death. At the time he died, my friend was arranging for nursing care so she could go to work.

Several people at the funeral patted her hand lovingly and said "Well, at least he went quickly", or "At least you don't have to pay for baby-sitting"!

I just stood by her side and tried to hurry those people off as quickly as possible.

What happened to just "I'm so sorry for your loss."???

You all know about my health problems a lady Ive been friends with for years said something one day that left me speechless, never expected that from her.she called one day,'i answered the phone she said (I thought you died?)

An ex boss of mine commented to a co-worker who had just lost her mother to cancer "Yes, it's quite sad, but when my mother passed I was only away from work one day"
Just the first of many things that convinced me to quit!

Bulldinkie,
You should have told her, "Yes, I did." THAT would have shut her up!

My SIL was always competitive with me even though she was far better off financially.
Before her mother passed away, I was given a set of Wedgewood dishes that her mom wanted me to have (I collect Wedgewood).
One time I was visiting my SIL and she said....."You know, I should be the one who has those dishes....you don't even have a nice place to display them".
Needless to say, we don't get along very well!

I guess the only good thing about being middle-aged is that I've forgotten most of the ugly things people have said to me.

:-)

At my beloved father's wake I was greeting people and thanking them for coming. The rest of my family was not interacting, pretty much sitting off by themselves. At one point my SIL said to me, smiling happily, "There's our "Suzieque", being the hostess yet again".

It was so hurtful; I'd been the one involved with my father's illness and hospitalization; they hadn't. I am outgoing (like Dad); they are introverts (very intelligent and accomplished none-the-less). They often comment (not complimentary) how I seem to want to interact with people and, in my terms, have some social graces.

Her comment was not intended to hurt, I know. But given all that I'd been through (yes, we'd been through, but I was the attentive and attending one), it was a form of criticism and it hurt. Gee - I was proactively interacting with visitors and talking to them. Shame on me (said sarcastically).

Sigh.

Suzieque

WOW!! I'm so glad I don't have anything to add to this conversation! I am very blessed; I've never had to deal with such idiots! :) Some very irritating people, but never that bad! I'm sorry to all the people who have been hurt by words! It sure makes a person more aware of what they say (I hope).

I remember way back when I was around 16-17 years old and my Dad (when I entered the kitchen) made a statement to a friend of his "And here is my daughter, the result of a botched up Xmas party my wife and I went to". I was so hurt and didn't say a thing then but told my mother later about it. She didn't say much and I never got an apology. It has stayed with me all these years and I think sometimes when people have gentler natures they are targets for these crude comments. BLECH!!

I am really so sad about the posts I have read here. I suppose the only good thing that comes of it is that we learn what "not" to say to others. Maybe just a lifes lesson that we get the hard way.
I know the things said to me still break my heart, even years later, but I know that I can be there for my friends and family during rough times, and just not even say a thing.....just be there.

Trin

About a month ago a coworker lost her mom suddenly and she of course was just devastated. A group of us went to the services and when we walked in to the church they had the casket with beautiful flower arrangements. As we all went to sit down to wait for the services to start one of our coworkers said, rather loudly, "Boy that's a really expensive casket I wonder how long her body will keep in there!" I could have died!
A lot of the family members sitting around us heard her. I felt horrible.

What is wrong with people?

I have a Friend who doesn't "think" before she speaks and accidently is too truthful. LOL!

She told me "I hate that my Mother has thin eyebrows like you and she has to fill them in like you do." I just laughed because she didn't realize it was insulting.

Same friend said "Oh I like your "Mom Jeans"." LOL! I thought I looked pretty darn "cool" myself. LOL!

I was at a meeting today and a person told me what she had said to a friend of mine. This friend has gained weight and this person said she said to her: "Aren't you going to hate going to your high school reunion this year now that you've put on so much weight?" I was floored...I told her we "all" go to that reunion no matter what our size and people are glad to see us..some have gained and some have lost...she's a beeotch.

I'm seventy years old and my hair hasn't grayed. This just drives a former friend crazy. I say former friend because I got tired of hearing this and other things I could write that she has said over the years. She colors her hair and has for fifty years or more, but denies doing so....her whole family has white hair..her husband would joke about her coloring her hair. Anyway, every last time that we would be together she would say, "Your hair looks like it's colored." Well, who cares in the first place, and I just got sick of hearing all her sh!t. I am so much happier not being around her and I don't know why I let it go on as long as I did. The hair thing is just one of many digs that I heard.

Mine happened back when my Dad died. We had just started speaking again after he divorced wife #7. I really disliked this woman. Anyway, the police ended up calling her daughter because was listed first in Dad's phone book. The ex-wife then called me. My DH and I high tailed it to the city Dad had been living in to try and figure out what to do. His cat and dog were both missing as he lived alone. The ex wanted to take the dog. So she drove in from Texas to California. I was fine with it- I knew she would take care of the dog. Then she decided she wanted Dad's minivan, even though I had three very young kids at the time. Fine, take it I said. I got the Porsche, oh so practical. The kicker of the whole thing was that Dad never took her off his bank accounts. She knew I needed that money to bury him. She cleaned out close to $10,000. I had to have a garage sale to raise the funds to cover the funeral home stuff. His burial was already paid for. She and her daughter continued to call and "ask" for stuff. I tried to be nice and gave them some of what they asked for. She even offered to "loan" me the money to bury Dad. This was right after I found out she took it. I quit talking to her at that point.

Trish

When my daughter was 18 mo. old, she had a depressed skull fracture. I was telling this to one of her teachers when she was in elementary school, and since my daughter did extremely well in school, the teacher said, "It must have knocked some sense into her." I was appalled at what a thoughtless statement. She could have so easily died or been permanently disabled by it.

Where do you critters find the strength to turn over the rocks under which you find such "friends"??

With many folks, I think that they don't stop to think how what they say will sound in the hurting person's ears, as it seems that many of these messages were received at a time of emotional pain.

Or is it that, when we are under such stress, such hurtful things are remembered, with additional pain, when we might have just shrugged our shoulders and disregarded it, or laughed it off, at a less stressful time.

With some people, I think that a feeling of low self-esteem gives them some feeling that they build themselves up when they kick someone else in the shins.

Also ... isn't it such a shame that some people are so fixated on the dollars that they are rather impervious to the trail of devastation that it leaves in the lives of others.

Gotta go - library closing.

ole joyful

I'm 5'1" and at 56, am probably only going to get shorter. We are a very social neighborhood. A man who's been our neighbor going on 30 years, has sung the Randy Newman song "Short People" (got no reason to live) to me every single time he's seen me. His wife usually gives him a little grief about it but over the years I've never said anything.

Then, last summer, after an entire evening of socializing I realized he had not sung "Short People". Once I came out of my shock, and as I was composing in my head how best to thank/compliment/congratulate him about it ... he started singing the song. Well that was it! I finally spoke up and read him off in front of all the friends and neighbors who have been witness to his singing. I practically got a standing ovation. LOL

When I was 25 I lost my 47 year old mother quite suddenly to a brain aneurysm. While she lay in a coma, I asked the doctor what an aneurysm was. He carefully explained the mechanics of the problem. When I asked if it was hereditary, he looked at me and said yes, and there's a good chance you'll not live to see age 50. It was just a good thing my big sister was there to put the dr. in his place. She's real good at that kind of stuff. I just stood there in complete shock and terror.

I carried that worry around with me for over 20 years when at age 47 I had a bad reaction to drugs that I had been given for anaphylactic shock after eating shellfish. I exhibited signs of a stroke so was sent in for an MRI. No stroke and since I was given a contrast and they were scanning my brain anyhow, I asked them to look for signs of an aneurysm. My brain look just fine thankyouverymuchdoctor.

Jodi-

Alisande, I'm so sorry that your daughter died, it must be the saddest thing in the world. Just thinking of you without her makes me sad. God bless both of you.

Boy these are some doozies. ..My father's doctor said to him when he told him he had lung cancer.."we all have to die of something". They changed doctors. My mother said to me on more than one occasion when I was living at home...I wish I had had a son because they're always nicer to their mothers". I was an only child.

WOW> . I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

people just don't think before they speak.
Unfortunately I know I have spoken (I know I still do lol)
with out running it though my brain first.... I sure
hope that I have never said anything even close to
these.

"I'm 5'1" and at 56, am probably only going to get shorter. "
JODI!, really? Eat your wheaties and drink your milk!
hahahahahahahahaha

One of my Aunt's at my Mom's funeral told me that since both of my parents were dead now I was an orphan. OMG! I did not need to hear that at my Mom's funeral as I was grieving so hard. And yes, I was 50 years old at her funeral but still....I did not want to hear something like that!!!

Deb

Kat, that will only make me fatter! LOL

Jodi-

Here's one that I still laugh about. When our daughter was born, a guy that my husband knew...same line of work, remarked
"only a real man can make boy babies." Guess what....the next year his wife had twins....girls. :))

lol Marilyn C - someone said about the same stupid remark to us when we had a girl first "aren't you disappointed you didn't have a boy first"??? She then went on to have two girls.

DUH!! Do you see this beautiful baby in my arms??? Who cares what "kind" it is!

When I was pregnant for the fist time and living in a strange city, everyone came up to me and said ..I hope you get your boy. I really wanted a girl and wondered why that comment was made. I had the boy and loved him of course, but the second time it was deja vu all over again. This time it was a girl.

New doctor (what's with doctors anyway?)and he's looking at my medical history. He sees, kidney cancer, and says, "You will be lucky to live five years." I told him it had already been eight years and he said, "Well, you won't see ten." What's with that???? :o) I'm on that ten year mark now and going strong. I told my regular doctor that he had said what he did and he said, "Oh hell...you look better than he does." :o) I hope that doctor got raked over the coals for making those statements.

I probably would have a lot of these statements roll off my back. I think people are often too easily offended and take things personal even when it's not about them. For me, actions speak louder than words. There are many gruff talking people who are truly kind hearted. That said there are a few people who get my goat. Usually they are people who put so much emphasis on what people say that you know whatever they said was meant to be hurtful.

I'm not sure how people could NOT take most of these statements personally. Of course, some statements are made that either don't come out right (I'm sure we all do that and would be mortified to know if someone took it in a way we didn't mean) or that we should "consider the source". But gee ... if most of those things stated here were said to me, I'd surely take them personally.

When he learned he was adopted (age 40+) and confronted his witch of an adoptive mother about it, my DH asked her WHERE they'd adopted him. Her answer: "From a no-account place where you'd get a no-account kid like you."

That's an astounding thing for a mother to say, but he didn't even react. He didn't think it was an unusual thing for her to say. It was completely in character.

The 'no-account kid' has bachelor's and master's degrees in journalism from a prominent university, was lead in his HS Senior Class play, earned HS letters in two sports, was an executive in a Fortune 500 company. We have been married for 45 years. (He also suffers from PTSD. Thanks, "Mom".)

jeepers, whatever happened to manners? my parents wouldve knocked my block off (to quote charlie brown). by no means am i anything close to perfect, but boy id have had my a@@ kicked from here to the moon..im 43 and i still know better with just a look! some of your stories were so heartbreaking and yes appalling, i had to read the all twice. so sorry that some people are so cruel at such a difficult time. we have people like that around us too, wont get into it because ill end up very mad! lol.