gb - the flu has largely passed now -but I'm still more tired than usual. Randy is back to being pretty perky :-) Too bad about Skyler's surgery deferral! Getting psyched-up for something like that only to have it delayed to an indefinite time would be an additional element of stress that would not be welcome! All the shots etc. for the trip to Haiti would be pretty intimidating. My family doctor is there at the moment. He's associated with some childrens' hospital there and seems to spend a week or more there almost every month. There will be no issue of overlap between Phoebe's stay and Blue's - we just found out yesterday that Blue's owners won't be heading to their Mexico condo until January. Blue will be here fro Jan. 17-Feb. 28th. While I was under the weather recently, I finished a sweater for Randy. Given that the previous two I've made him took years(!) to finish, I decided that I needed to use heavy yarn and fat needles if I was going to be able to finish one in a reasonable time! So, in mid-September I bought Lopi wool and dug out my Nordic-style pattern books from years ago. It only took me 2 months to make this one - it used to only take a few weeks to make one of these, so I'm still slow but it's a big improvement from needing years to complete a sweater! Next up (maybe!) is a matching hat and socks (Randy loves hand-knit socks...) We've had an unusually mild October and so far this month. For the first time, there's been noticeable pink color on the heptacodium calyxes - but nowhere near as colorful as in the pictures Monique has posted of theirs.

Part one I have a friend whose parents were among the founding members of the botanical society here, her name is Martina and she loves all growing things. Her mother passed away in 1996 and the botanical names of many of the plants she inherited are unknown to her although she grew up with them. Her parents are Austrian and called their plants by their Austrian names, sometimes translating the Austrian to English. When I first met her 4 years ago when she was dating my friend Charles. He brought her over one late afternoon for a visit, she'd brought a staggeringly beautiful plant with her that had been on my want list for a long time. Charles had it with him, he took her to the backyard and came to the door with one of it's flowers in his hand. I couldn't believe it when I saw him standing there, and tried to take the bloom, he was holding it out. He pulled it back and asked me what it was in a kind of challenging way. I thought he knew what it was and was testing me, lol, I said "It's a Gloriosa "Rothschildiana" of course!" Welllll, it wasn't a test, Martina really wanted to know and was such a warm, adorable, lovely person that we bonded almost instantly. Down through the years we've just gotten closer and closer. I love her to pieces. I wish I'd known her mother, she sounds like a rather wonderful humanbeing. I did meet their mutual friend, Nell, who is another wonderful and unique individual. Martina's a hero for introducing us. Her plants are amazing and she is passionate about them, and about life in general. She's 73 years young and can outwork most men I know. She's tough and knowledgeable and compassionate all at the same time. I think the world of this lady. Part two About the same time I met Nell I found Gardenweb and hooked up with a member in Mobile. We hit it off instantly, we had a lot in common and each was doing things that complimented the other. She's so wonderful, I don't know how to tell you how much I think of her. She's beautiful and smart, frank and earnest, honorable and ingenious. Our first meeting was at the botanical gardens' fall sale, we had a great time because we were kind of kept busy answering the questions of the other shoppers there, we didn't get much shopping done, lol. She went back on the last day of the sale, she knew the left-over plants would be marked down. One of the plants that hadn't sold, marked at $8 a gallon, was a bunch of Clivia miniata, it was marked at $2. a gallon. Ginny already had plenty of clivias, including some nice yellows, but she was knowledgeable enough to know that she shouldn't pass up an opportunity like that so she bought a couple to give as gifts, one was for an old friend, the other was for me! I couldn't believe it, I had wanted one for sooooo long, it was such a sweet, thoughtful thing to do and I hope she knows how much she means to me. I've had this clivia ever since, it's such a nice plant, such lovely long, orchid-like foliage. The whole growth...

I'm not saying that texasredhead wasn't justified in what he did, especially for a seated dinner party. I can certainly see what a mess it would try to be to seat four more in the middle of the meal and try to stretch the food, especially if it were something in individual servings. And of course those guests should have responded; no question about that. They were wrong. But I don't think I would turn them away. It's one thing to say that it would be justified by their rudeness in failing to respond (although, come on, not responding is rude and very inconsiderate, but it's not like they set my dog on fire or something, and wouldn't have been that big of a deal for me to call them if they haven't called me). But justification aside, what would be my objective? To teach them a lesson? Wouldn't work. As I have said before, humiliating people or being rude to them in return never, never "teaches them a lesson" -- in fact, I think it makes whatever guilt they were feeling evaporate and be replaced by resentment. In this case, they might even feel set up: "She could easily have called us, but she obviously relished the idea of doing this instead. What a jerk." And how far does this go? If a guest behaves rudely during the dinner, do I kick him/her out? No napkin on the lap -- no gravy? Eating with mouth open -- no dessert? I think we tend to learn better by seeing the example of people who try to be the bigger person and act graciously even when they have an excuse not to do so. For that matter, the sight of the hosts adding chairs and stretching food, even with a minimum of fuss and assurances that it's no trouble, will be more likely to help them understand the reason it's important to respond than turning them away would. To make myself feel better? We always feel that getting back at people will make us feel some satisfaction, but it never does. To make my party succeed? I doubt it. I would spend the rest of the evening second-guessing myself and mentally going through the next conversation I would have with the guests I turned away. And if the other guests were aware of what had happened, I think they would feel embarrassed and upset (especially if the people turned away were their friends). If I were a guest in that position, I might be thinking I'd better watch my step, too, because if I slipped up, I might get punished in a similarly humiliating way. I would rather that my guests -- let alone the friends that didn't respond -- think of me as hospitable enough to make someone feel welcome even if they didn't behave perfectly toward me. These are presumably my friends -- I want them to feel good, not bad, even if they did screw up. So I think that the best course when people don't respond is to follow up with a phone call or e-mail, particularly when it is something for which you need an accurate count, like a dinner party, as opposed to an open house or something. Hosts shouldn't have to do that, it's true, but that seems to me the best path to take. Just MHO.

While I was at my daughter's I did alot of reflecting on our marriage and wrote a lot of memories in my journal. The hardest part about being at my daughter's was sitting at the table with an empty chair staring me in the face that Ed should have been sitting in and also when we went to Estes Park walking around the shops I wanted to hold his hand like the other couples but his hand wasn't there for me to take and it never will be again. I also asked myself in our marriage who needed the other person more? I leaned on Ed for companionship and security. When we were in crowds I'd only feel comfortable if I was with Ed. Carrying on a converstaion with others was hard for me, but Ed could talk to anyone about anything and if I was with him I felt part of the conversation without saying a word. I may have made the everyday decisions but we talked about big decisions together until we agreed. At which point Ed thought out how to make it happen. There were usually compromises made on one of our parts, who compromised the most I don't know. But when it came to large purchases for the house I wanted Ed to enjoy it too & I didn't think it was that important to force my view or it was easier for me to give in than to decide what I really wanted. Also in our marriage I was the one who took charge, I planned and made lists and I'd give Ed a list of things he needed to do so whatever was planned would be accomplished. Whether it was one of the many times we moved, a holiday or just company coming for dinner. In reality I think he didn't care because then he didn't have to make a decision. The only time he didn't like things planned out was on vacation or day trips and we still had great times. I used to think this was a weakness but realized it was because he valued and trusted my opinion and judgement more than I realized. I tried to make a list of things I liked, but all I could think of was things Ed liked because it seems that is what we usually ended up doing or we compromised and thinking back than neither of us really got what we wanted. My biggest question was concerning my lack of being able to show emotions, as I may have mentioned because of my crying my children are now seeing a side of their mother they never knew existed. My mother used to say of all of her children I was the only one who didn't want to be cuddled. Ed was the compassionate one. I wonder can an emotionless person drain the emotions out of another person so that person could no longer show the other person emotion? Another thing I realized was that we had been in a mostly contented phase of our marriage until I started a new job in Oct of 2008. At which time I became very discontented and frustrated and I thought that is was because of Ed, when actually it was the responsibilities of the job. I wasn't used to the pressurers of that type of job and I took it out on him. Why is it we don't see our circumstances this clearly until it's too late? I hate the struggle between my heart, that wants to remember only the wonderful loving person he was a long time ago and my head that keeps reminding me of how miserable we both had been these past years. Which do I listen to? I realized I had to listen to both and continue with this conflict until I can make the two into the truth. I have to remind myself it's only been seven weeks. Again, thank you for letting me give a voice to my grief. Karen Anniebear I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope you continue gardening and don't give up on wanting to be a Master Gardener it is very rewarding. I also hope you will complete your project, keep us all up to date on its progress. Most important wish your husband a Happy Birthday from all of us. I was writing some information on my calendar this evening and turned to December and saw the Anniversary sticker I had placed on the date of what would have been our 35th Anniversary and I bawled because he won't be there to celebrate it with me ever again.