I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. She has sons same age-range as mine (12-15). Our boys play roller hockey together. Her sons also play on other teams, roller and ice, up to 3 teams at the same time. They often rush from one hockey game to another, they spend entire weekends traveling; there are camps; expensive and time consuming. Hockey is not her thing, it's her kids' thing. I commented that she has made more committment that I would be willing to make. But, my boys are content to play on one local team, giving up a couple days/week for practice/games. They enjoy their free time, they don't ask to play more. Her boys are begging to play every minute they have. So just because it's not right for my family, doesn't mean it isn't right for hers. My DD is in competitive gymnastics and at 8 y/o she is in the gym at least 7 hours a week (easy right now, tough during school year). She has 4-5 meets in the winter, not more than 30 mins away so far. Team parents are required to put in a lot of volunteer time to support the team, meets and gym. Less committment than a future Olympian, but more than the average 8 y/o. DD does ask to go to the gym every free minute, she is passionate about her sport in a way her brothers are not. If she continues, by the time DD is 12-15 y/o she would be in the gym 6 days/week, up to 20 hours/week. Meets will be more frequent and farther, sometimes requiring overnight stays. My friend knows all this. In response to my statement about her committment to hockey, she asked if I'll stop DD when gymnastics gets to that point. I'll tell you, she shut me up. How can I let DD work that hard, watch her set a goal and reach it, then tell her it's over, she can't go any further? I know another family dedicated to baseball. The travel to the Little League World Series every year. Thousands $$$. In their case, while the boys are very good, I see the father living vicariously. He was a college athlete who was injured and had to stop. My observation of him is that it matters to him that his sons are "cool." His kids are trophies on the mantle to him. The better they are at the sport, the better father that proves him to be. As much as he disturbs me, I still have to say those family road trips to the LL World Series are going to be great memories for the whole family. They trade pins, go to pro games with the whole team, and father and sons sleep on bunks in barracks! LOL. They definitely have a good time and bond, that point cannot be denied. As parents, want to give our kids the opportunity to pursue their talents and interests. There is nothing wrong with that. Each family is unique, with different needs and dynamics. There is nothing wrong with that, either. Each family has to figure out their own boundaries with these things, their own way to handle the ups and downs of the activities. There is no single formula for activity involvement, no magic amount of time, that will work for every family. It isn't fair for one person's hobby to consume all the family's time, energy and resources. So I don't think you are selfish to say "Hey, this is too much for me." Your family needs to talk about this, have a family meeting. There is nothing wrong with sitting down regularly to evaluate your involvement in the sport. Let the girls think about what they want/need, not just keep going on momentum "because that's what we've always done." Talk about the concerns of time, giving up other family outtings. If your DH's concern is staying involved with girls, talk about how that can still be accomplished. It's good to stop occassionally to question your family's goals, motives, and methods and make adjustments. Like I said, each family has it's unique issues. We have 4 kids, ages 6 to 15. So that creates its own set of issues to deal with, we can't be all places at once. I don't go to all of 15 y/o DS's hockey games, even though they are local. They don't end until 10pm. So if it's a school night, I'm home getting the other kids to bed. DH coaches, so he is always there. DH does not go to all of DD's gymnastics meets. They are very long, and I am often "working" them, and another kid often has a conflicting activity. We have to "divide and conquer." Our youngest will start playing baseball this fall. So we're in for another twist in the family schedule. You really just need to talk out what is best for your family. As the mom, you have a good sense of when the balance has gotten a little off, and there is nothing selfish about wanting to get it in check again. It might mean small or big adjustments. But only your family can decide what is best for all of you.

Oh JNM this sounds very hard :-( I can understand why you can't move past it, for now anyway. When you give so much to a person, and they poo all over it, it comes to a point where you've just had enough. It's not that you don't want to reach out/try again/make the effort/put the energy in/etc etc; it's just that you can't anymore. Right? I really understand that and there's nothing wrong with it, don't feel guilty or bad about it! The apology that your SD should give you is a big deal to me; when you do something wrong and you know it, you should apologise. No need to tiptoe around SD and let it slide, why would she have a different set of rules apply to her? Because there's bigger fish to fry? Because of BM? No way. SD knows she's wrong, she'll need to make it right. A heartfelt apology is a good start, and essential if you ask me. My SD15 cannot apologise either, she has never apologised for anything, ever. Over the past year she's done the wrong thing by us several times; loving it when we run around for her, and running back to BM's whenever she doesn't get her way. I haven't posted much about it, because what is there to say about it..really. As long as BM encourages this behavior (this is our situation) SD will not see the need to change. She can run away from problems, go there if something doesn't suit overhere, no need to own up, apologise, nothing. When she comes back she pretends all is good again, just because time has passed. And by the way; we should be thankful for her visit.. One of the biggest reasons that FDH and BM got divorced is because they were never able to work anything out. Any problem they had remained unresolved, so stuff piled up which created bigger problems. BM is not capable of looking at her own behavior, the part she might own in a problem, nothing is ever her fault and an apology is something she only wishes to receive, not give. (This has a lot to do with mental disorder). It was her way or the highway, and that is just not realistic. SD15 seems to adopt the same attitude, maybe because of BM's example, maybe because of situation (2 homes to play out against eachother). Not to say it's all because of BM though, because SD knows very well that BM's behavior is completely unacceptable, selfish and self-destructive. We have also had plenty meaningful conversations just like you guys. SD's understanding of the dynamics even impressed us, but she still continues to behave this way. Therefore we know that she 'owns' it, blaming BM is not going to fly, just like it doesn't with your SD. I'm also at a point where I find it hard to keep going. I want to stay engaged and make the effort, try and talk with SD's, be there for them, guide them, poor energy into all of it, and I too cannot seem to give it at the moment. I've given this a lot of thought because I don't want to give the skids the wrong message. There's a big difference between a bit of disengaging and 'turning your back on them' and I don't want them to misunderstand what's happening here. It's not that I don't care anymore, it's that I don't agree with what they are doing. I cannot change it, I cannot force SD15 to apologise or to behave different, but I can choose my own response to that. So I've decided I do what I normally do (as in tasks around the house) but I keep to myself and I'm not running around anymore. It's simple; I don't owe them anything. If they make an effort to treat us better, I'll go above and beyond for them as well. If not, then I will perform my daily tasks as normal, but nothing more. I don't walk around angry, I just do my own thing and I'm not getting very involved in things they do. They come, they go, that's it. I used to put up with a lot more when they were younger; they were manipulated by BM, they did not understand, I had to try and be the bigger person and suck it up for their sake. But not anymore; now they are old enough, they need to own their own choices and they need to realise that a relationship goes both ways. If they don't invest, then I'm not going to be in it anymore either. I wonder if your SD will be back, I can see where you're coming from when you say you don't think so. How are your boys doing now that SD is out of the house? You gave the impression that they aren't affected by it too much, not in a negative way anyway?

That is great! The cheapest I've seen them go for was $45 here and they were half the size. But they grow fast so size isn't a huge issue. I think it's time I move to Florida lol.

I just realized there is a scheduled shuttle from San Jose airport to Monterey, which makes it feasible without a car rental. I really adore the Monterey area. I've been to a number of conferences at Asilomar Conference Grounds in adjacent Pacific Grove. It has a large campus with multiple buildings, a central social hall, and a central dining hall. It is separated from Asilomar State Beach by sand dunes that have a boardwalk. There are always deer and great birdwatching. The beach is not great for swimming, but is popular with surfers and for tidepooling. It's outside Monterey Bay on a promontory, so it is usually a bit cold and windy, so not a great beach for laying out. Lover's Point at the other end of Pacific Grove inside Monterey Bay has a sheltered cove that is better for swimming. Pacific Grove is a cute town with some really great restaurants (Passionfish and Red House are favorites). Monterey has a world-class aquarium, Cannery Row, an a state historic park.