Truthfully........It's a lot to take on....At 41 and having been there and done that experience ..I wouldn't do it...

My "practice" grand daughter's mom turned 40, three weeks after the birth.

She LOVES being a mom.

But, she is married, is a stay at home mom/wife, and they are well enough off, to afford the baby and all that entails.

I would suggest a visit to your Dr. to see, if there is a chance for you to still get pregnant.

Moni

I think it is a hormonal thing cause I went through that when I was about your age. Your body is saying "Last chance!". I do have 1 child and can't imagine not being a Mom.

The best of luck to you whatever you decide.

I just had my second last year and I'll be 40 in October. I wish I'd had kids earlier but I'm not exactly ancient at this age. I've known plenty of women who've had babies in their 40s.

If you truly want to have a child, you'll have to accept that there is no perfect time to do it. If you have the will, a good man and the resources I wouldn't let your age stop you.

Maybe it's the right time for you, maybe not.

But as someone whose almost 20 years older than you, let me toss this out there. You're at a stage of life where your hormones are going (to be) out of whack. Maybe be already happening to you--what you describe is typical, although those of us who have already had babies don't necessarily get the urge for one. But remember this. Menopause is temporary--your hormones will straighten out eventually. It's possible you could have a baby now, and in a few year be wondering exactly why you thought that was a good idea at the time. I know I had some off the wall thoughts at that time--you can't blame yourself, it's just part of the going haywire our bodies treat us to in our 40's.

Obviously, you have limited time to make your decision on this issue, but do give it a LOT of thought. Almost everyone I know has found that around 55 they've noticed a serious drop in their energy--will you be up to dealing with a teen at that point in life? Frankly, I'm delighted that my dd is in her late 20's and I don't have to worry about teenage, education, etc issues for her now. Another thing to consider--if your boyfriend is in his mid-50's, there's a better than average chance he won't be around to see your child grow up. Lots of guys don't make it out of their 60's, and if they do, they're old men (older than women of the same age--if that makes any sense).

But I know people who have been a lot closer to 50 than you are when they had a baby and they've made it work. You just have to figure out what's right for you. Good luck.

ok mr 54 is open to the idea but what happens if you do and he takes a hike? can you afford a child on your own?

do you love your job? are you willing to give up the traveling? are you prepared to find daycare/nanny? going rate for a nanny in dd's neighborhood is $20 grand a year. and that is 8-5, 5 days a week.

are you prepared for retirement, plus one? sounds crazy but you're only 20 something away...

do you have health insurence?

have a big enough home for cribs, toys, clothes, etc?

have you ever cared for a sick child (ie one of the 29) when they're "running" at both ends and you have a report due the next day?

or when they've reached school age can you explain to the boss why you're taking off to see a swim meet, or attend a soccer game?

or like my kids have the best grandfather in the world only know them for a very short time? (he was 46 when i was born and passed at 77, when my youngest, twins, were 1)

if you can answer yes, then go for it...

When I was turning 40, I went through a phase exactly as you're describing ... it consumed me, I wanted a baby so badly. My children were growing up, out of the house actually since my son had gone to live with his dad at that point. I thought about it day and night, and when other women brought babies around, I held them and didn't want to let go. I b-r-e-a-t-h-e-d that powerful baby scent.

Talked to my husband, who looked at me in HORROR and said ARE YOU KIDDING???? He was 53 at the time. He bought me a puppy. I thought about leaving him, cursed him inwardly, and for a period of time, resented him.

A couple of years later we were visiting with some friends and she was newly pregnant. Without thinking, I told her ... better you than me! And surprisingly, I meant it. I'm so glad, now, that we didn't do it. I'm 55 now and I can't imagine having a teenager (which he/she would be, if we'd had that baby).

Blessings to you, I wish you well in making your decision.

Personally speaking, I never thought I'd be the mother of a little baby at 42, but I didn't care after all the pain my DH & I'd been through. We adopted a beautiful child (she was almost 6 months old when we got her) and I don't regret it for a minute. I couldn't love anyone more. I posted her photo 2 days ago. Yes, I'm the oldest mother in the class and I could care less.

Can you raise this baby or must you hire people to raise him or her for you? That is key. You say you travel, how will that work with a baby or even young child or teen?

I can't imagine life without a child....I say "go for it"....

The only con I'd think about is that child will be a teenager at some point.....lol

I enjoyed my teens....even the ones that caused grief...but still I'd do it over...and wish I'd had one more.

I had our fourth child at the age of 41. I was very happy about it.

Sue

I can't imagine growing old without a child. But, that said, this is one you (and the potential baby's father) will have to decide for yourselves.

I am 54 years old. My own kids are grown, 30 (as of this coming Saturday) and 27. I remarried last June, to Gary, who has 3 adult children of his own (same age range as mine) and Emi who was a little tagalong born of his second marriage. Her mother passed away 3 years ago. Emi is 14 years old now. I wouldn't trade her for anything and I'm so glad Gary had her and that I have a chance to be part of her life.

My mom had two kids (my older sisters - 13 and 11 years older than me) then had me and two more. I was born when she was 38. My youngest sister was born when she was 42. When my youngest sister's high school graduation approached, her best friend's mother said to my mom 'Aren't you just going to cry when they graduate?' and my mom said 'Heck no! I've had kids in school for 30 years and I'm glad to be done with it!' I guess she was kind of tired after all those years but I think it had more to do with the number of years she'd been raising kids than with her age at the time.

I think Susan had some really good questions. If there's any doubt about you and the baby's potential father, just make sure that you will be able and ready to raise a child on your own.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

I can't imagine being childless. Go for it. My cousin had her only child at 46 when he DH was in his late 50s. Their child is now 16 and the parents are happy they have him.
I only have one child but if I had it to do over I would certainly have liked to have had a second.

But does a child ideally want or need a mother like you? Does (s)he want to be an 'only'; have a mother going through menopause at the time (s)he is an impossible teenager; be sole caretaker for elderly parents at an early age?

No, we don't have children for the children. We have them because, like you, we WANT a BABY. But think down the road a bit. How much of this is 'last chance' feelings? What do you think this child would do FOR YOU that you can't enjoy with your extended family?

Let's not confuse a first and probably only baby with the tag-along in a family where Mom is past forty. This is a very different thing. And, sorry, salgal, but I don't see 'dating someone' as having a permanent relationship where Papa is certain to be there for you or the child. (He would also be collecting Medicare by the time the child is in college, if he comes from healthy, long-lived stock.)

Let's not bring up children of older parents who absolutely LOVE Mom and Dad. Of course they do! Who is able to separate himself enough to say he is sorry to be in the situation -- it's been his life. It's hard or impossible to admit that it isn't what they would have preferred.

But does a child ideally want or need a mother like you? Does (s)he want to be an 'only'; have a mother going through menopause at the time (s)he is an impossible teenager; be sole caretaker for elderly parents at an early age?
WHAT??! My DD is an only child.. several other posters here have only 1 child..I don't think any of them are scarred for life due to that. A 50 year old mother might be going through menopause, but maybe the 35 year old mother is going through clinical depression or another medical condition. What's worse??
Life isn't always fair and it isn't supposed to be.
I think most everyone would have preferred things to be different while they were growing up. I know I would have changed things and I had a sibling, a young mother and a in-the-picture Dad!

wow! I'm shocked at chisue's response. Plenty of people would be happy to be the only child of an older couple! No family is "perfect".

Even if you decided to do this as a single woman, I would say go for it! Yes, you are in forties, who cares?! Plenty of women have babies into their forties. You will have much more wisdom to offer a child than a 20 year old mother, and you are probably more financially stable than most young couples. If you really want a baby and will always regret not having one, than do it! Don't let a bunch of strangers make the decision for you, only you know what is right for you.

I am the only child of older parents. When I was born 50 years ago my mother was 41 (which isn't old by today's standards) and my dad was 47 (again, which isn't old by today's standards). But 50 years ago having a baby at those ages wasn't too common.

Yes, I was there when my mother went through menopause. We both made it through and I wasn't scarred for life.

And yes, I was the sole caretaker for my parents as they aged and became more and more dependent. I wouldn't trade that experience of being there for my parents through the different phases of their lives, including being there for them at the end.

Who gets to pick their parents? NEWSFLASH! YOUTH IS NOT A GUARANTEE OF LONGEVITY. Plenty of people die early. Plenty of people have so many children they can't support them. Plenty of people are not fit to be parents. Plenty of people plan to have more than one child and can't. If we discounted everything that could go wrong, NO ONE would have any children.

I have one child (now 22) but would have one again at your age if I could but I can't. People that are young mothers are not necessarily better mothers. I know LOTS of bad parents that are both young and old when they have their kids.

I think that the thing you need to keep in mind is that babies have a way of changing your thinking about what you want to do with your life.

I say go for it. I've never met anyone who regretted having their kids.

Keep us posted and let us know your decision.

My mother was 42 when I was born. Would I have traded that for a woman who was in her 20's? No way. I had a stable home with parents who had been married for 24 years. She was often mistaken for my grandmother...and since she had grey hair and grandchildren anyway, that was no surprise. Did that bother me? Not even a little. I was not an only child, but my brothers and sister were grown and gone by the time I was old enough to notice. I have an only child. She was born when I was 34. I can tell you for a fact that I was a better mother then than I would have been when I was younger. I don't regret only having one...I gave her lots of time and attention...which are the main things to raising a child. Nowadays people think they have to give a lot of material things and that shows their love. I took her everywhere I went...even tho she was the only child in my circle of friends.

If you want a baby...I say go for it. Just don't have one and expect a day care to raise it for you.

I'd go for it if I were you,altho,I CAN tell you,what you are going thru is most apt to be a perimenopausal issue.

If YOU want a baby,there is no time like the present

I am now 52,feel physically,most days that I could definitely carry one..and would,if it was to be...but for me,it isnt.

Prepare yourself,do some reading,speak to your doc,and siblings..then let nature take its course.

Oh,and 41,isnt 41 anymore...its the new 30-*S*S*

jennmonkey i totally understand chisue's response...

i was an only child (well sort of...my half sister was 5 years younger than my mother) and would i have liked to have younger parents? you bet...as much as i loved my dad to pieces, i felt cheated...maybe saying he would be 109 if he were alive today puts a little perspective on the subject...

Yes, I think you are a better Mother when you are older. I chose to have all of my four children even planned to have the last one at 41. She and I are really close and I am close to all my children. I even home schooled the youngest daughter, I didn't the others. I don't think I would have had the patience when I was younger to do that. If your health is good, I see no reason not to have a child if you want. As far as menopause, I did not have any of the problems that a lot of women seem to have, nor did I ever have morning sickness or any problems with a pregnancy. The day I was due to deliver my youngest, I was carrying firewood up the steep creek bank that my son was cutting. I delivered 3 days later, no problems. She was the smallest in birth weight, 7 pounds 3 1/2 ounces.

Sue

Not ALL women want children. Many are perfectly happy not having any....me being one. You've built a life for 41 years that didn't include a child. I'd think long and hard if I were you. Sounds like hormones talking.

"Yes, I think you are a better Mother when you are older."

Wow, I am surprised that someone could say this. Really? I don't think being a "better" mother has anything to do with age.

My divorced 30 yo DD is going thru this. She's a well-paid professional & BF (of 1+ yr.) would be happy to oblige (and there's IVF.) She WANTS a child & would be a darn good Mom (she's a psychologist who's worked with autistic kids since undegrad) but she's still evaluating the overall picture. Single working Mom needs daycare = who's raising your child? Age realy isn't a factor as much as who's raising YOUR child?

Thanks everyone for your responses. I really don't know what to do, and will continue to wait until I am sure.
One thing am sure of - I would never regret a child, I am more scared of having a child that is not 100% healthy. (I feel so guilty and selfish even saying that, but I know he would be loved all the same)
A few things:
I am financially secure. I have spent 21 years with the same company, climbing the corporate ladder. It is a family owned company with Faith-based principles. So even though I am SURE I would raise a few eyebrows...I would be supported. I know I would give up traveling for work, but being a SAHM would be challenging after all these years. However, I absolutely hate the idea of someone else raising and disciplining my child.

If WE decide to do this, I am confident my sweetie would be there for the long haul. (please don't comment on that, I'm a big girl and can see plenty of 'what if's')

I own my own home, with plenty of room both indoor and out.

I know in my heart I would be a good mother and have been told by many. (who tells someone they would be a bad mother??)

I do think that some people are better parents when they are older. At a young age, I was very driven to succeed. Now I am ready to focus on someone other than myself. Some women are just meant to be mothers at any age and are terrific. I believe it has more to do with maternal maturity. (just like men)

I think I should wait about 6 months. I have my annual Dr appt in the fall. I will talk to her about it at that time. Like many of you mentioned, I am concerned that it could be hormonal. Is it possible that this man triggers that in me? I really love him. Having his child would be the ultimate. For him too.
I know, I know...big cliche. We both just wish we could turn back the clock about 5 years.
Thanks for listening. I am pretty good at keeping my emotions private - but this seems like a soft place to land. ;)
Pie anyone?

As a working mother of two children, let me say for the record that daycare is NOT raising my child. They are certainly a part of my boys' lives and they are helping us along but I am their mother, my husband is their father. WE are raising them.

Maybe I am more fortunate than most in that I use a top-rated on-site center and I can visit my guys whenever I want during the day but daycare has been a wonderful experience for us. The socialization especially has been important since although I am strong in a lot of motherly areas, I am not very social and my sons would never have as many friends if I had been a SAHM. They learn so much there. The safety and hygiene practices there are much stricter than my own home. The staff is wonderful.

I've nothing against SAHMs but if you choose to keep working, you should know that daycare is not evil. That is a big topic that starts many 'Mommy Wars' but I can tell you that this is my life and I know it works so know one who isn't living my life can tell me otherwise. Would it work for you? Maybe. Maybe not. But be aware that it does work for some people.

My mom worked and I honestly only have a few vague memories of the woman that used to care for me (although many memories of my parents and family). She was nice and I had fun but I'd hardly say that she raised me.

Are you too old? no.

But you lifestyle certainly doesn't sound conducive to a stable life for your child as it stands now. How many changes are you willing/able to make. Are you prepared to do less travel for your job and maybe give up some income for the trade-off? A first time mother of 41 is at higher risk of having a special needs child. Are you prepared to make some difficult decisions regarding those issues should they arise?

Can you take off enough time to truly bond with your child for the early years of his/her life? Will dad be in it for the long haul where ever the relationship goes?

Are you ready to be a mother for the next 18 to 21 years? Having a baby is the easy part. Raising that little human to becoming a morally upright, contributing member of society is a whole other ballgame.

Maybe you have all the realistic expectations etc. but is you SO on the same playing field?

I just went back and read your response and see you have already asked and answered some of these questions.

The fact that you absolutely hate the idea of someone else raising your child says a lot. I say go for it if you are sure your guy is on the same page. I think you have the makings of being an excellent mother.

Sal, if it feels right in your heart, then do it.

If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Good luck and I'm hoping you will decide to go forth and multiply. :)

Aside from your "feelings", what changed? Why 5 years ago didn't you want children and now you do?

Did you suddendly realize you would make a great mom, found a perfect partner to mate with, or do you just want what all your friend's have?

I'm just wondering what would make someone change their opinion on such a drastic thing? Just make sure you really want children and it's not just a short phase you are going through. It's the most rewarding thing, but also a lifetime committment.

"To every thing there is a season..."

For much of life everything is 'ahead'. A time comes when we start to realize that...why, my goodness, we're almost halfway to that 'fourscore and ten'. It's normal to evaluate where we are and what we've done with our lives. Be careful about 'do-overs' though. And be aware that pre-menopausal you knows nothing about the land beyond 50 -- how could you?

I urge looking beyond what's 'possible' to what's BEST for a child. IMO there's a reason women's ova and men's sperm are healthiest at younger ages. But this isn't just about bearing a child, hopefully a healthy child. The healthiest of children demand a lot of mental and physical energy, from infancy to college. Reputable adoption agencies, where the welfare of the child is the prime consideration, have a cutoff for infant placements when the combined age of a man and wife is 80. It's nothing against a couple, but it simply isn't optimum for a child.

I never thought I would never have children, but that is where I am today. I was responsible and waited until I was secure and confident enough to have one, but by then the factory closed, at age 41 I was post menopausal.
If you want it, do it. Don't wait any longer.

First....If you really feel you're ready for children and want them then go for it. As for your comment "I am more scared of having a child that is not 100% healthy. (I feel so guilty and selfish even saying that, but I know he would be loved all the same)"....Don't feel guilty...i don't know of any parent who hasn't thought that. Have one now while you can.

But...as for me...I have never had the maternal instincts to where i've said "I have to have a child" or "I want to have a child". Maybe I'm from another planet but I could never understand when people say to me "You must be unfullfilled"....what fullfillment???? Just because I chose to not have children some people think I am selfish. Well...guess what...I AM! I like my free time and I like not having the responsibilities that come with having children. There are no guarentees that your child will be the perfect little child...just like no parent is perfect.

I've had people ask..."Are you going to have kids"? When I tell them No and they ask Why...i just say "Why should I"?

There are many women out there who for one reason or another decide to have kids. That is their business. What has really confused me lately is the whole "I'm a Single Parent".

Okay...Single Parents..please explain. When I was growing up you were:
1. Divorced with Children
2. Widowed with Children
3. Never been married but got pregnant
4. Never been married but adopted.

Why doesn't anyone say...I'm divorced..or I'm a widow, etc.

Another example of my confusion. You are at a party and meet a person of the opposite sex. You say "Hi! I'm so-n-so and I'm a single parent". How long before you tell this person that you are either #1, 2, 3 or 4?

SamKaren
your resident DJ

My mom had me when she was 40 and I knew her for 50 years she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

I had my youngest at 38. I know that being older, more settled, wiser and more mature made me a better mother to my children. 41 today is sooooooo much younger than in my mother's day. That said, it may be younger, but your ovaries may not agree. Good luck to you. Becoming a mom is a real commitment, a life-long commitment. You sound like you may just think you are prepared and ready for such a life long commitment. Be honest with yourself as you decide. Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing I have done, and by far the most demanding thing I have ever done.

It's been said that it isn't things that we do that we're most likely to regret in life, but the things we didn't do. I think this certainly applies to having children, at least for most people, most of the time.

That said, not all women have the same level of desire to become a mother. Mine was very strong--since childhood, actually. Pregnancy didn't happen easily with me, but I'm so grateful that I was able to have children. I tried for a fourth baby when I was 41 and my DH was 54. I did get pregnant, but had an early and difficult miscarriage and decided not to try again. I guess what I'm saying--and not very well--is that if I were in your situation I'd give it my best shot.

BTW, I was an only child, and my dad was 40 when I was born. I was almost 50 when he died. I can't imagine a better father, or one who was more fun.

Susan

I'm glad some posting here were able to have many happy years with (older) parents. Unfortunately that's not an actuarial likelihood.

My DH was adopted as an infant by parents over 40. His father died when DH was nine. His mother lived to be 82, crippled by rheumatoid arthritis from the time he was in high school. His father had wanted a child. His mother resented every moment she spent raising him.

Chisue, just because you're born to young parents doesn't mean they are going to live a long life. I've known and heard about a lot of young parents who've died, in accidents, cancer, etc...

I also don't think marrying some man and then having kids is any guarantee they will be there for you and the kids. Sure didn't happen for me, and guess who gets to help them get their first car and pay for their college? Not him.

I think Salgal should get do what she said, get a physical and talk to her md about it. Then make her decision. The difference between her and the situation you mention, is that she and her boyfriend want the baby. Makes a big difference.

Kathsgrdn makes a good point. While my dad was 40 when I was born, my mom was 28. She died an accidental death nine years later.

I agree with Kath also....My parents had me when they were 19 and 20....my mom died before I was 20 years old, right after her 40th birthday. You just never know what's going to happen. Some people born to older parents got much longer with them than I did with my mother.

I can't offer anything in the way of advice (I don't have children, happily and by choice) but I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

Being 53 and knowing the effects of hormone he!!; I say think long and hard about it.

Yes, some people die young, but all the *exceptions* in the world don't change the actuarial tables.

I was very sorry that our DS had no grandfathers and had no grandmothers after age seven.

DH coached Little League for several years. There weren't a lot of fathers young enough to help coach. DH did a lot of 'filling in', helping boys learn to field and bat, because many of the fathers were too old to be that active, to help their boys practice skills.

(Do we know that salgal's gentleman friend WANTS to be a father? She says she wants a baby, and that he is 'open' to it.)