Hi tkaye -

I don't know the answer to your question; I just wanted to extend my congratulations for the 10 pounds lost and my support for the rest that you want to do!

Suzieque

Thanks, Suzieque, for the warm thoughts. I can certainly use all the support I can get!

I've seen that in two of my friends. In one, she felt he thought if she lost weight she'd become too attractive to other men. (When he married her, she was quite thin.)

In the other, he was overweight himself, and didn't want to be shown up. He had no ambition to lose weight.

Both friends are still overweight, BTW.

Perhaps if your DH could be encouraged to think of this as something that will lengthen your life, and improve your quality of life.....?

He SAYS he supports me, but actions do not show that.
What is he saying or doing? He might not welcome you eating better as he might think that he too will end up 'having' to eat that way....as in you will be fixing things a healthier way...no more pan fried chicken...no more or fewer pies, cakes, and goodies.

Maybe he does not realize just how hard it is to work at losing weight. Keep up the good work!

I used to have an elderly neighbor that as soon as I mentioned wanting to get some extra pounds off, she would bake a pineapple upside down cake,(my favorite) just for me, and expect for me to take it home. Of course because she was so sweet (besides being so elderly) I always obliged her and put losing some pounds on hold for a few days.

Sue

Why on earth would a reasonable man not support his wife in losing weight, or anything she undertook for that matter?.
If my wife wanted to lose weight, whether for health reasons or just to feel better about herself, she'd certainly have my support.

Good luck

Congrats on your weight loss and keep up the good work.

I have lost 26 pounds so far and my DH is my biggest cheerleader. I also have put on about 60 pounds over the last 15 years and I have no idea how I let it happen. I am now finally less than 200 pounds...I havenÂt seen that in years. When I reached 199 DH sent me flowers at work telling me how proud he was of me.

My DH knows this is better for my heart and health so he knows this is important.

My sister DH has a really hard time when she starts to lose weight. He accuses her of having an affair because she's trying to look good. It's really hard on her.

Keep your chin up and know what youÂre doing is for your heart and your health and maybe if your husband see it this way he will realize how important this is to you both.

He is one of those slim people who can eat lots of anything and everything and never gain an ounce. And believe me, he loves fried and fattening!

As I said, he claims he really wants me to lose, but some of the things he does say otherwise. Some of the time I don't think he even realizes what he is saying or doing. We work together and have in the past always gone to fast food places for lunch. For the past 3 weeks I have been brown bagging my lunch, food that is on my plan. He knows I'm doing this, he see's me pack it every morning. Yet at lunch time he will ask "where we going for lunch today?" I say I brought my lunch, he says oh, you still doing that? Well, DUH! I want to go with him, just not eat what he eats, but now he acts like he gets "huffy" about my bringing my lunch.

I do not expect him to change his way of eating, if need be we will prepare 2 separate meals, no problem. However, to give him credit, he has discovered that grilled veggies are quite tasty!

Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe he's just heard the "I need to diet" too many times in the past. I guess eventually he will see that I'm serious this time.

A few random thoughts:

Like firemanswife's sister, my XH didn't like anything I did to improve myself, whether it was getting physically fit or attending a class. He was afraid that I was doing it because I was looking for a new man. Ridiculous! It was just his own low self-esteem.

I agree with alisande and chemocurl that he may be worried about how your weight loss will affect his life (different food prepared, harping on him to lose weight). Maybe his silence is his way of dealing with his emotions.

When my husband has tried to quit smoking, I was supportive of his efforts (I really really wanted him to quit!), but I often didn't say much, for two main reasons: 1) I'm not a smoker, so I didn't really know what he was going through or what to say to him; and 2) I didn't think he'd stick with it. (He's now on his 3rd or 4th attempt at quitting.) Perhaps your husband does support your weight loss efforts, but says nothing instead of saying "it's never worked in the past, why do you think it will now?".

Maybe he really does love you "just the way you are" and doesn't care how much you weigh. He might think that if he really encourages you to lose weight, you will think he didn't love you when you were overweight.

What, specifically, would you like him to do or say to support you? Most men aren't very good at that sort of thing; you may have to tell him exactly what you want him to do. For example, tell him you'd like him to say something if he notices that you've lost weight, or comment on how good your latest low-calorie recipe tasted, or that he'll take you out dancing (or whatever) as a reward. Be specific! (I once read that if you're tired of your husband forgetting your birthday, you should say to him, "honey, my birthday is in a couple weeks. I'd really like it if you bought me a nice card and a small gift.") Don't grumble in silence---tell him what you want. :-)

Again, these are just random thoughts. Good luck with your weight loss and keep up the good work!

This happened to my best friend with her ex-husband. She is a genius who was seriously depressed because she had left all her dreams on the back burner while she was raising their young children. She was in a unhappy marriage (he was a real piece or work), in a city she hated, working a min. wage job and not in school, and had gained weight. While I never encouraged her to leave her jerk of a husband, I did encourage her to go back to school. I knew getting her brain going again and doing something she excelled in would do wonders for her. He tried sabatoging her all along. He didn't want her to have any self esteem because he knew she would leave.

Well, she went back to school, lost a bunch of weight, divorced the dirt bag, and is now a Biochemical Scientist doing very well and is much happier!

Obviously this is much more severe than your situation, but I think people get scared their partner will leave and go find a thinner, hotter, young person if they look better and have better self esteem.

Is it just me, or has anyone else observed that when we see military men and their wives on TV the men are usually quite fit (OK we know why THAT is), but the wives...oh, my, so many are HUGE. These are young couples. I've wondered if it does have something to do with women making themselves unattractive while a DH is deployed, or...what? (They must not be completely unattractive; many seem to have a gaggle of children.)

Perhaps this only leaps out because the husbands are fit. We do have an obesity epidemic in the US.

TKaye, congratulations on your ten-pound loss. That is quite an accomplishment. My friend Jeannie was 100 lbs overweight and developed diabetes. She's deathly afraid of needles and asked her doctor what she could do? Lose weight, so she took off 70 lb and cured her diabetes.

We work together and have in the past always gone to fast food places for lunch.
Maybe when the weather is nice, he can run and pick up his fast food, and then you can picnic together.

Men, imho, are creatures of habit, and you not going to eat with him, has caused a break in the habit.

Stand firm! Maybe in time he would welcome a healthy lunch packed for him too, and you can eat or picnic together.

Of course they are. Everytime my DH sees a wife starting to lose some weight he always says she is going to leave him. I have had 2 friends recently lose some weight and that is exactly what happened. One was not happy in her relationship and became depressed and lost the weight and the other was trying to lose weight and then decided there was something better out there.

Congratulations on losing the 10 pounds. Keep up the good work. I too have put on a lot of weight in the 32 years DH has known me. He also says he wants me to lose it, then for every holiday he buys me boxes of my favorite chocolates. He also wants to buy cookies and snacks when we go shopping. Huh?
Clare

Keep it up TKaye!! I'm sure it threatens your hubster some...they get used to the old us and have a hard time thinking about the new us!! Mine knows when I'm dieting...everyone in the house is dieting or eating elsewhere!!

It's not just husbands. The majority of your friends, acquaintances, and co-workers will also do things to sabatage your success. I'm not saying all, but a good portion of them will. Some because you are succeeding at something they have failed or they don't like to see anyone succeed at anything. Sad. So, having said that, I wish all the best and kudos for your weight loss to date. Keep up the good work and don't listen to anyone who is not encouraging.

It's hard to say. At this point, it sounds to me like he may I doubt that you are really going to stick to the diet and he may not even notice the 10 lbs. so may not think anything of it. Now if he is still doing it after many months, and after you loose 50 lbs or so, then I may think differently.

Good luck. It sounds like you're doing great. At least you know you don't need encouragement from him and can do this on your own which is the best way to do it.

and aptosca...my husband buys me chocolates all the time too. It must be a guy thing. The strange thing about it with me is I don't even like chocolate. I think they buy it because they can't come up with any better ideas (or they want you to share). LOL

Who knows what lurks int he minds of men - seriously, sometimes it is just cluelessness. I don't think he is trying to be mean - he's just not thinking and it sounds as if you have had some false starts, so maybe he is accustomed to that.More than likely it is just his habit.

You are doing incredibly well and it sounds as if you are really changing your habits - plus think of the money saved by bringing your won healthy meal.
I hate to hear you use the word ashamed - try determined, proud and 10 pounds thinner!

I agree with Pris. I have a friend who is also overweight. Everytime I mention trying to lose a few pounds she pooh-poohs the whole idea, saying I have to learn to embrace my womanly curves and be happy with who I am. She is afraid that she won't have anyone to go to lunch with or and doesn't want to feel guilty munching on her chips and dip while I abstain.

No suggestions to offer.

Congrats on your resolution ...

... and on your success, so far.

Keep up the good work.

Tell the dummy to go take a flying jump in the lake!

Seriously - can you ask him, when he does it, why he says such a thing as, about your lunch, "Are you still doing that?"? Or later, when you have quiet moment, or are going somewhere in the car, etc.

Maybe he doesn't realize the extent of the sabotage. Or doesn't (thinks he doesn't) intend that.

Is he reasonable about investigating his own statements/motives? Without getting all defensive?

ole joyful

When a husband is overweight, he may be more inclined to become uncomfortable with the wife's weight loss for two reasons: (1)She becomes more attractive and compared to her, he become less attractive. (2) He may sense pressure for him to loose a bit of weight and that is just as hard for him to do as you. Some of that pressure may come from his own reduction of self worth.

A few pounds overweight, say pleasing plump, is fine with me, but 100 lbs, no. 100 lbs over is unhealthy and curtails your mobility. In my case, being overweight for many years hastened the onset of adult diabetes (type 2). More power to you for taking off 10 lbs.

I appreciate all the thoughts and good wishes.

I really don't think he even realizes what he is saying, and with time he will see this is a lasting change this time. I do agree that men hate change and can be very slow adapting to something different.

Isnt it strange that sometimes in situations like this, when WE need the support and encouragement, we have to reassure THEM that everything is okay, there is no one else and I have no plans to leave you!