leaving 19 mo old with daycare @ church

24 years ago

hello,

I am concerned that my 19 month old son is really freaking out when I leave him in daycare while we attend the church service. The daycare is on site at church and there are about 6-8 kids in his class. But it is getting hard for me to leave him because he screams, kicks and cries. They tell me he refuses to play and usually cries through most of it. He is with them for about 45 minutes. I feel so sad and concerned for him. What is your take on this? Is he too young? Am I over reacting? It breaks my heart to hand him to strangers and walk away.

TIA!

Chantel

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Comments (11)

aileen
24 years ago
Is he content to be left with other people in other places? At that age, he should be getting used to others. If church is the only place, are the other children of a similar age or are there larger children that might play roughly and frighten him?

Why don't you just spend a few Sundays in there with him? Get him used to the place and the other children. Maybe even get up and leave for a few minutes from time to time so that he will understand that you are coming back.

He is also old enough that he can pick up signals from you. That is, if you are hesitant and sorry to leave him, he will sense this and react with fretting. Talk to him about what a fun place it is.
trekaren
24 years ago
Another thing to see if it is mommy-separation-anxiety. Have DH drop the child off. My DD often cries when I drop her off, but not when DH drops her off. I really think moms emit some unconscious vibes that make separation anxiety kick in with some children. Somehow dads don't trigger it as much.
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flyingcarrot, I totally understand. I have 2 stories to tell you. I'll keep them as short as possible. Ten yrs ago DH and I had just married, and his defiant drug using 17 yr old son, who had dropped out of school in another state, came to live with us and my 14 yr old daughter. DS brought guns into my house without my knowledge (I found out at 3 am one night when I heard him shooting outside my bedroom window, when DH was away on business, and DS said "I could shoot you"). He brought drugs into my house, with DD living there. He was totally disrespectful in everything he did and said. DH and I disagreed so much about how to handle him that DH almost rented an apartment for himself and DS to live in. After months and months of arguing/discussing back and forth, DH and I agreed that the best approach was to put DS in an apartment and pay the rent on it for 6 months, to allow him to get a job and get on his feet. Well, he would get a job and get fired within a day. Smart-mouth. This continued so long that he couldn't get another job. So we took him back. On and on it goes. Finally, after more and more of his disrespect, drug episodes, job failures, wrecked cars, etc, the final straw was when he offered drugs to DD. I threw him out on the street. I told him he could sleep in his car. And he did. It was sink or swim. He absolutely hated me when I put him out. And DH was scared to death that his son would die on the streets. So he kept in close touch with him. And he probably gave him money or food that he didn't tell me about. DS hit bottom. Well, he's 27 now, and we are more proud of him than we are of my husband's lawyer son. For the past 3 years this troubled boy has had the same job where everyone adores him, he calls us regularly, is polite and caring, tells us he loves us, and quite often thanks us for "kicking him out" as he puts it. He says he doesn't know where he'd be if we hadn't kicked him out. This one turned out great. This story is about my cousin. She began using in her late teens. She's now in her 60's. Her parents have always supported her emotionally, as parents do, because how can they not, she's their daughter. They also have always been there when she relapsed again, as users can do, again, and again, and again. At the beginning you don't know if your child will be the one who recovers or doesn't, which makes it so hard. Over all these years, they have paid for her to go to rehab over 30 times. Her grown sons do not allow her to see her grandchildren, because their own childhoods were so awful. For many, many years now she has lived with her parents, who are now in their late 80's and just about broke because of her. And she abuses them. Her sister has seen her kick her dad, and when he falls, she says she's too tired to get up and help him up. She's been convicted of drug possession and prostitution, and within the last 3 years or so she was in prison. When she's home she stays clean for a short time and then "disappears" for a while. My aunt and uncle's lives have basically been ruined for the past 45 years. I guess my point is that, at least in my cousin's case, she learned early on that her parents would always be there to take advantage of no matter what. So she has always done whatever she wants. And they keep taking her back, and she keeps relapsing, costing them money, emotional pain and anguish, and more. It's too late for them, but what if 40 years ago, after the 2nd or 3rd (or whichever) relapse, they had been able to know she wasn't going to get better? They would have been able to make an educated decision about their lives, rather than to carry on with such a cruel hopeless hope. If they had only set a limit to the number of relapses they were willing to witness and pick up after. I'm a mother too, and I know the kind of love a mother has for her daughter. It can just tear you up. I can't be sure how I would handle such a situation if it were my daughter. I'm also a grandmother and I love my granddaughter so very very much. I do know this: I would not stand by and let my daughter do something that is hurtful to her. I pray I would have strength to at some point before my life or my granddaughter's life is too negatively affected, to say enough is enough, and that my daughter is going to have to get things right. I would probably sit her down and help her work out a timeline for accomplishing goals, and then enforce it. And have a consequence/ultimatum spelled for if it isn't met. You are so right to be focused on your grandson. Now that the baby girl is in our picture and she has stolen my heart too, she trumps DD for the time being. You know why? Because she's an innocent child. So I have found my voice to DD about alot of things concerning the baby. I speak up about the baby. I think we have to speak up about the important things, whether DD appreciates us for it, or hates us for it. And your daughter's recovery is every bit your grandson's story. It's important that she be held accountable. Your post touched my heart. You will be in my thoughts and prayers every day.
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nadastimer
24 years ago
Are you with your son all the time? Have you left him before? It's not that your son is too young to be left with someone, some people do it right from 6 weeks so they can go back to work and they're kids are fine. What the problem may be is just that he's so used to being with you that he does have to have that time away. My DS is with me all day and even now at almost 3 when I try to run to the store or whatever he'll start bawling and want to go. It's just because I'm such a major part of his life and he's used to Mommy always being there. It actually helps us the more I get out even if it's just for 10 mins. Kids kind of just have to learn that Mommy will be right back and they'll be fine.

Also there aren't too many kids from about a few months up that don't get upset when Mommy and Daddy leave them somewhere. They'll cry and tell you not to go but usually as soon as you leave, they're fine. I'll feel so bad about leaving DS with his grandparents so we can do somewhere and you'll call and they'll say he was fine as soon as we got out the door. It's like a test with them. Even my MIL said about when she helped out at the Elementary School years ago that the children there would do the same things. And TREKaren is right. Most times we dont' realize it as mothers but we make the situation worse. We keep hugging the child and saying it's alright and hang around as long as they keep begging us to stay and it becomes a habit or they sense we're upset about leaving them and use that.

I guess what I'm saying is that give it time and see if he gets better. Also look at other factors like maybe one of the kids is bullying him?

~Leslie~
Chantel
Original Author
24 years ago
He has no problem being dropped of at grandparents house and yes he spends most of his time with me. I think he just wants to be with me. The kids at church are really sweet, no bullies. I think it is anxiety separation. I am going to let my husband take him and see if he fairs better. I just cannot wait for it to get better. And that is a good idea, maybe if I stay with him for a few Sundays to see if he gets used to it. When I do hand him off to one of the caregivers, I say goodbye to him (altho he cannot hear me because he is crying!) and promptly walk out.
Thanks for the posts everyone.
nadastimer
24 years ago
Chantel,
I just thought of something else. You said he's fine when he goes to his grandparents house. So maybe with him it's the fact that these are strangers or that there are a lot of other children with him. He may just have to get used to and warm up to these people and children.

~Leslie~
Chantel
Original Author
24 years ago
Leslie,
I think you are right. Yesterday, I skipped church and husband took him. He cried the whole time. So he is just going to have to get used to it. I just wish he didn't get so upset because it upsets me.
trekaren
24 years ago
As they grow thru the toddler years, all kids go thru some separation anxiety phases. You could try playing a short game of hide and seek each day this week. Sounds silly, but when my DD would go thru these periods, this would help it pass quickly.

The books said that a game of hide-and-seek teach the child (or remind the child) that mom/dad will go away but will always come right back.

The 'what to expect in the toddler years' said it better, and I'm paraphrasing from memory so I hope that last sentence makes some sense :-)

Won't hurt to give it a try. Hope this helps.
phyllis_philodendron
24 years ago
In our church, there was a speaker so the attendant could hear the sermon. Maybe he makes a connection that you're still around, just not with him. Does he bring familiar toys w/ him when he's there? Have you tried bringing him into the sanctuary w/ you to see if he behaves?
Chantel
Original Author
24 years ago
TREKaren, thanks for the posts. How long did she go through the anxiety? I will try most anything at this points.

Phyllis, we usually bring his sippy cup but not a toy. Maybe I will bring one next weekend to see if that helps. And yes, we have tried to bring him in to the sanctuary and it did not worked. He "talked" through most of it, and wanted to walk around. Did not work very well.

Thanks for your input.
Chantel:)
trekaren
24 years ago
It would last 3 or 4 weeks, go away for a few months, then another phase would come up. Usually, when she was very young, the hide-and-seek would ease it, (along with DH doing the dropping-off).

It's pretty normal from about 7 months old til about 2 1/2 years old to go thru 3 or 4 separation anxiety phases. If you have the 'what to expect toddler years' book they had a good write-up on it, that went a long way to allaying my own anxiety about her anxiety. Just knowing it was normal helped a lot.

Have fun playing peekaboo and hide-and-seek tonight!!!! LOL
Chantel
Original Author
24 years ago
Good news! He did not cry today!
I was planning on staying with him while the family was in church but he settled in really fast and played with the toys. He didn't cry at all. Finally! lol- hope it lasts.
Thanks everyone for the input.
Chantel

leaving 19 mo old with daycare @ church

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leaving 19 mo old with daycare @ church

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