Lyfia, at the age of 3, children generally do not have more than one friend at once. It is normal. Sometimes they do not even have one friend-- they still do a lot of parallel play where they are not necessarily interacting with each other. The advice of others to focus on polite behavior is the best. I have found that some children truly are born more empathetic tendencies than others. However, even children who are more attuned to the feelings of others will NOT always translate this into behavior at certain ages. I would focus on giving specific suggestions-- wave at your friend, greet her by saying "Hello," etc. Not too many, though! Then, you can roleplay with her dolls or stuffed animals. If she follows through on your suggestions, avoid telling her you're proud, or "good job" or other comments that focus on your judgment. Instead, you can say things like, "Your friend looks so happy that you said 'hello'!" or just, "You waved at your friend!" Regarding following and not leading-- I have found that this is something you can't really change. People tend to be born leaders or born followers. In certain situations, however, people do change . . .the child who may be "slow to warm" may shine during a solo on stage and run the show, but let others make decisions during play. What I do is (selectively) ask the other child (who is not leading) what they would like to do/offer the child a few choices. Then, I am modeling for the "leader" children what it's like to listen. One note-- I used to think of my DD as bossy until I read an article saying that people generally only refer to as girls this way. Boys are assertive, and girls are bossy. Changed my perspective!

I know this is a years old post, but I still want to add my two cents anyway. Just for any future readers, and you if you happen to read this again. First off, I'm so terribly sorry that you had to go through that, and I truly wish that I had been around, with the knowledge that I now have, back then. The VCUG procedure is terrible for both parent and child alike. I had to get VCUGs constantly as I grew up, and I want to say that the trauma a child experiences during them is nothing to glance over. By the time my fifth VCUG came around I literally collapsed on the ground, begging and crying for them to not make me go through it again. Now that I'm older, I'm learning more about what happened. The doctors say no to sedation because young children are at risk of never waking up. Others say that it's because the test won't work properly- it was pointed out to me that children have the potential to pee while their under, effectively ruining the test. But honestly, I say bullsh*t. I would have rather been put under and take the risks full-heartedly, rather than go through what I had to. I felt molested, I was in pain, and I felt betrayed by both the doctors and my parents alike. I still have a hard time trusting doctors and I don't feel like I can talk to my parents about important things anymore. In one of your later posts, you said that your daughter was likely to get over it long before you would. I'm sorry, but you're likely wrong. That event will always stay with her somehow- especially if she remembers it. I had the procedure multiple times, which made it worse for me, mentally, in the long run. I'm oversensitive about my lower body now, and more skittish than I should be. I refuse to use tampons because of what I went through, and intercourse is a never for me. As another person has already mentioned: I'd rather die than go through any similar situations that relate to VCUGs. I've actually developed PTSD because of the trauma- and I'm not the only one. Many people who went through the VCUG procedure as a child have claimed to be traumatized and to have developed depression or PTSD. So if your child does remember her VCUG (ask her)- even if it's just a little bit- I suggest you pay attention to her. Look for signs that the event still lingers as a more negative memory than it should be. Even if nothing is apparently wrong now, keep an eye open. It might take years before any type of mental symptoms show themselves. For me, the most noticeable symptom that can be seen from outside perspective would be my lack of motivation. My school work suffered and I seemed to have no will to do anything with my life. It was first believed that I was just lazy- which made me feel terrible... This can become a severe problem if you don't catch it soon enough. Another thing to look out for is over-discomfort in the doctor or dentists office. Those medical tables/chairs won't look as friendly as they once did. The doctors less so. For me, I'm overly sensitive about getting shots. My distrust about doctors sticking things into me has manifested to such a normal, simple thing that most people get used to. But even now, I feel sick to my stomach when the doctor says I need one. Finally, it's possible that she may outright refuse things like tampons and thoughts of having kids in the future. This is completely normal if she remembers the VCUG. She's likely to never let anything near her lower body ever again because of it. It brings back the negative memories. I refused tampons the moment I learned about them. I managed to avoid them for the longest time, even though everyone thought me silly. (This was before we knew why I hated it.) One day, though, we travelled to Mexico to swim with sea lions in the ocean. Just my luck that my monthly began the day before the trip... When we got there, the plan was to finally get me to use a tampon. My mother took me into the bathroom, and began to explain how it worked. Visualizing it in my head scared the H*ll out of me. I broke down crying when my mom told me that it would hurt a little. To me, a little meant a lot. Thankfully, my aunt had a better solution. (Pad, plus salt water, plus temperature change would slow/stop the flow and dissolve whatever managed to escape.) I still thank her for it whenever it comes up. Anyway, bottom line is, keep an eye out for any mental problems that might show up. Being three, she probably forgot, which will make this post somewhat useless. But it's still good to know, right? Just in case. I wish I could have been here earlier. To tell you that you NEED sedation- and not the extremely light stuff that just makes you drowsy. The procedure is painful- no amount of sugar-coating from the doctors would change that. After the VCUG, when you pee, it BURNS. I've come to say that, "It burned as if I was peeing out the fires of H*ll..." And it continues to feel like that for a few hours to a few days. And again, it can be mentally scarring. I'm glad that your daughter didn't have anything wrong with her, and I'm ever so relieved that she at least didn't have to go through more than one. I hope you're both healthy and happy right now, and living your lives to the fullest. (Sorry, this is long...)

You're participating in his assaults by NOT reporting him. How will you feel if next week he abuses that little baby and it dies? Will you feel badly that you could have done the right thing and reported it, but didn't? or will you just be glad it wasn't you he killed? I'm sorry--really I am--to be so blunt, but you're describing a very serious situation. Your son SHOULD be in jail. He won't learn to grow up and be responsible until those around him insist that he face the appropriate consequences for his actions. At the very least, Monday morning, call your lawyer, sit down with him/her, tell them everything. Find out what your responsibilities are (could you be charged with a crime if you DON'T report the crimes you know he's committed?) and what your options for protecting yourself are. Get the right answers from a professional in your jurisdiction. And while you're at it, please also research shelters in your area. Keep that info on you, just in case you or the baby's mother need it. I do wish you the best, but I also hope you realize what you have to do and do it.

Maybe this is overly simplistic, but if he seems to enjoy the attention he gets when he misbehaves, perhaps he is misbehaving to get more attention. It's a classic, common problem for young children, and while you sound very pleased (and indeed, fortunate) to have an experienced and capable foster mom for your son, she may not be giving him quite the same level of attention he would get from you. Honestly, that would be a lot to expect... The programs you are asking about seem to be "fix him" type programs. "Just play the tape while he's asleep and it'll all get better." or "Have him watch the video about how to be good." Yeah - right. I'd expect that only a very 'hands-on' program with a high degree of parental involvement would be really effective pretty quickly. On the bright side though, getting him back seems like a good and natural time to start implementing an effective program. 1-2-3 Magic is a great program. There's a video you can watch about implementing it that is 100% worth your time to see. Don't let anyone convince you that a 'quickie verbal 'how-to' is all you need. There are pieces of the system, such as being sure you have his attention, maintaining eye contact, tone of voice, making it 100% clear that you expect compliance and waiting until you get it -- SO many things that the video illustrates and explains that a 'here's how it works' talk will miss. So get your hands on that video. 'Natural Consequences' is a discipline philosophy that may or may not have it's own 'program video', but it's very effective with strong-willed children. The whole idea is that misbehavior causes bad things to happen, and that the bad things are a direct result of the bad behavior. Touch a hot stove - you burn your finger. So for the car-seat incident, a good natural consequence would be that the trip (if it's a fun one) immediately gets cancelled. "We can't go if you can't stay buckled in your car seat - sorry." Or if it's not a fun trip, stop now, but go again later, cancelling another fun activity because you have to run that errand. Or sit by the side of the road until he buckles up (however long it takes), then sadly have to miss a fun activity because of the time wasted sitting at the side of the road. You get the idea -- The bad behavior causes an unpleasant consequence. The flip side of this strategy is positioning a positive for right after an unpleasant chore. "We'll have our snack right after we pick up these toys." Another strategy that might work is called 'social stories' -- It's used mainly for autistic children to teach them appropriate social interractions and what to expect in situations that might cause anxiety, but basically, they're stories that explain in explicit and concrete terms how certain situations work and what the 'good' or 'appropriate' behavior for that situation is. For example, a trip to the dentist might include getting into the car seat and staying buckled, waiting patiently in the waiting room and playing quietly until it's our turn, sitting calmly in the chair and opening his mouth when the dentist asks and not biting the dentist! It would explain that the dentist uses a lot of funny-looking tools that sometimes make loud or strange sounds, and that the sounds, while strange, won't hurt, and that these tools are used to keep his teeth healthy and strong. Again - the basic idea is to explain about the situation, in advance, in enough detail to remove the anxiety-provoking 'unknown' and give the child a model of behavior to follow. It's amazing how effective these stories can be. And last but certainly not least -- One of my favorites is to catch him being good and offer explicit praise. "That was really nice when you shared your truck with Johnny!" or "You did a great job brushing your teeth tonight - thank you!" Praise and success are the best kinds of attention there is -- Best of luck to you --