Time to move this down.

Didn't you post this once before and Garden Web deleted it? Give it up already....

"has to balance what's best for him and best for you. And sometimes they just aren't going to work. IMO, childs needs come first." See, this is interesting. I think what is so interesting and diverse about this forum (or even when talking to friends in RL) is that EVERYONE is going to have their own opinion; and that opinion is one we have formed based on our own experiences and perspectives. Nivea, you were treated in a really cruel and hurtful manner by your SM, correct? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?) I believe it was you. Anyway, naturally, you are more inclined to empathize and identify with the child (stepchild) and perhaps even project a bit of your own feelings; and that's normal, we ALL do that. Just as I am more likely to identify with someone like Ima or Lamom or Silver, someone who is a SM dealing with difficult situations. Anyway, I know what you mean about the child needing to come first; but I think you are saying this out of your own experiences, which included being emotionally hurt by your cruel and emotionally immature SM who insisted HER needs come first. Correct? That is awful that happened and it's sad that your father allowed you to be pushed aside. (And please correct me if I am mixing up your history with someone else.) Our situation is a little different in that DH had continually made the mistake of doing things to harm our marriage---all under the guise of "it's best for SS." But a lot of what he was doing wasn't even really best for SS. DH wanted me to smooth things over and be nice to BM, even after she attacked me in front of SS. Sure, it might be superficially easier for SS if everything seemed hunky-dory again. But in the long run, what lesson is that teaching him? That violence is acceptable? That it's okay for his mom to behave like that and I will just pretend that everything is okay? Those aren't lessons I want SS or DD learning. So sometimes what IS best for SS isn't necessarily what one might think at face value. Sure, it would be more *pleasant* for him in the short term, but in the long run, I think it does more harm than good. (I don't think this particular weekend issue is even really about anything being "best" for SS, though.) And one thing our marriage counselor has been helping both of us see is that sometimes what's best for the marriage has to come first. And I will say this with 100% conviction: it would NOT be in SS's best interest for DH and I to divorce. Not at all. That would be one of the worst things that could happen for both him and my DD. I may be "just a stepmother" to him but I have been a positive and caring person in his life for almost 7 years. He views my daughter as his sister. He genuinely loves our family and feels a TOTAL part of our family unit...because he is! We are not just some people he spends a few days a month with, he has two families and we are one of them! If that unit were to dissolve, it would honestly devastate SS. It would devastate my DD, as well, but I really think it would be worse on SS. He is very sensitive to these things, and he is the type of child that turns his upsets inward. I know if he were to lose his family, it would really impact him negatively in an emotional sense. So in marriage counseling, one thing DH is having to focus on is sorting out when SS's needs really DO come first, and when it's just BM manipulating "in the name of their son." Obviously, there are times that the child's needs have to come first---heck, that is 95% of parenting! But it is my belief that this is not one of those times. SS's mom is doing well and there is no reason he can't be with her.

I've dealt with handling affairs for a dying friend who left us his estate, and we are in the midst of dealing with my MIL who has dementia. Just a few thoughts: -Power of attorney, even 'durable' etc. is no longer a simple process or document that will easily open access to people's accounts and allow someone to handle financial issues. I suspect most of those who are insisting it's an easy and painless option haven't tried to use one recently :). As mentioned banks don't accept blanket POA docs any more; there have been some legal standards updates in the past few years and they now need to be fairly explicit and detailed as to what is covered and what's not. -Be aware that, as has also been pointed out, with elderly folks life can and often does change in literally a moment. One fall, one illness that spirals into complications, one stroke, and everything that was fine yesterday is now a huge and enormously complicated mess. Or the decline can be a slow process in which the reasonable parent becomes the paranoid mess, utterly convinced that the kids are just trying to steal his/her money. And then there is the parent who is clearly sliding deep into dementia while adamantly insisting he/she is just fine and anyone who says different is simply wrong. For most of us pinning our hopes on the dream that mom or dad will live to be 100+ YO in their own home, competently managing all the activities of daily living until some far off day when s/he goes peacefully to sleep and doesn't wake up is probably not the wisest way to prepare for the future. -Spend some bucks to hire a reputable estate planning attorney. This is one area of life, IMO, in which Google and DIY legal forms are not your friend. A good lawyer is well worth the expense to get things set up right. Elderly folks need to have all the docs mentioned: wills and living wills, medical proxies, power of attorney using *updated forms*, trust documents if appropriate, joint accounts if necessary and so on. In my life, the friend who died left a will, but he was an odd bird who refused to set anything else up legally so probate was a royal mess. It took almost 2 years to get everything finalized and things that I would never have imagined being difficult were ridiculously hard: it took court orders for example to transfer titles for his car and motorcycles and that took months and months and months to complete. My MIL had started showing signs of serious mental decline as I was working on the estate and I pushed my husband and BIL *hard* till they took her in to the same estate attorney and got everything done-trusts, medical permissions, bank account signatories. And sure enough, within 3 months after that she fell, broke several bones and the resulting physical injuries ratcheted the dementia to a level at which she could no longer live safely at home and had to go into assisted living. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been if things weren't in place legally. Then too, the lawyer insisted, as he is legally obligated to do, that my MIL answer and respond indicating she understood what was happening. She was foggy at the time and if we had waited even that few months, regardless of the fall there is no way she would have been legally competent to sign off on the arrangements.