Chinacat, you are so sweet to still be thinking of this. Believe it or not, part of the problem I think is that she CANT feel it. She had a severe facial nerve pain problem earlier in her life and back then the only way to get relief was to severe the facial nerve on one side.....so she has no feeling on one side of her face. So, it is an open wound that she keeps picking at and it bleeds and looks so sore to everyone else, but she feels no pain, so continues to pick. The dr. started her on a very mild dose of zyprexa. It caused problems during the day...and it actually caused a fall and trip to the emergency room so they only give it at night. I read up and the side effects are scary and I don't like more and more drugs.......but they say she is a little more mellow and doesn't fight the bandaids etc. She seems to be picking a little less so we will see how it goes. One thing she can do is roll up a ball of yarn so she does that here at my house...but they don't give her the yarn where she lives I dont' think. They have a tendancy to sit them in front of the TV if there are no activities...which in my opinion is the worst. But, this home is way nicer than any other around so I try to be agreeable and appreciative.

I’m so glad you are happy with the life you have and the sacrifices you have made. However, sometimes in these situations I think the elephant in the room is all of the attention that goes to someone who made poor choices in life, caused much angst and agony for others, or even abused others, whether it was intentional or not, and then putting that person on a pedestal—what does that say to the children in the family, to others, to the world? I get it completely. Mom is mom, and I know that mom can be a drug-addicted ho, literally, and still she’ll be given a 1001+ chances by her children. Now, bio-dad will never be given near that many, and SM won’t even be given 1, more than likely, but there is definitely something, in the genes perhaps, about forgiving and loving to death a biological mother that goes above and beyond everything and anything, including self-preservation sometimes. However, I think you probably should have sung your praises more than you did in this case. You state, “My husband is crushed, she was his first love, and he always felt that they should have stayed married. I understand that, as much as it hurts to know that I'll never be his first, and I'll never have the place in his heart that she did.” Personally, I would hope that you have an even more profound place in his heart than she did. It has been 13 years now since you posted this. Maybe things have changed and maybe not. I hope you and your husband and your two children have all gone on to bigger and better, more positive and enlightening things in life, and you now all celebrate your own positive achievements to the max. and with each other.

Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

MtnRdRedux, you are so right. My dad in rehab is so tired of talking about health and physical therapy. He really brightens up when the conversation turns to sports, politics, family. My mom, on the other hand, likes nothing more than discussing her infirmities. She loves when the conversation turns to other things, but her health is the only topic she has to contribute, so it turns back. Me, with one in rehab and the other home with Parkinson's and all its related oddities (I did NOT know that Parkinsons can involve dementia), have not much to talk about beyond their health. DS is newly off to college so in have nothing but move-in stories, and there isn't much to tell, and my house is being painted this week, so siding colors are my only other contribution, and honestly no one cares lol!