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Estranged from your child.....part II

17 years ago

The original forum on this was full and it is too good to let go because of the number......so I am starting another one.

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Comments (7)

motherlode
17 years ago
Dear phoggie-very sorry to hear you are estranged from your child as I am as well. I have found support and understanding at estranged stories-if you would like to check it out I think you will be surprised at the amount of info and caring people-take care and have a peaceful Easter
imaginny
17 years ago
The link to the discussion group that motherlode mentions is below:

Here is a link that might be useful: Estranged Stories
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LDS Question
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Comments (15)
Well, you could try to start with your husband's grandparents (whose names, places and birth and death dates you know, right?) Searching their records may reveal your FIL's other sibs and their families, and they may have useful info, too. You can easily retrieve your husband's father's death certificate which will likely give his parents' names and birth places and dates. It may list how many times he was married, too. (Or at least all that told his then-wife about, if she survived him!) Your husband's own birth certificate may indicate what number child he is for each of his parents. (This relies on accurate reporting by parents, though.) You can search public reoords for marriage and divorce decrees in states where you believe he lived. (Doesn't always work if one of his ex-spouses filed in an unknown state and she was granted a divorce when he failed to respond.) Doesn't your MIL have any clue? I'll bet she does, though she may be reluctant to talk. Wives know tons of stuff their husbands' don't think they do! Is your husband the only ch of that marriage? Sometimes female ch know more than males. Soc. security records may tell you who else has filed a claim based on your FIL's social security (divorced spouses can claim as dependants if they were married 10 years.) Your MILs social security survivor's benefits may contain some info about this. I would still start with a simple gen. search. I don't know how old your FIl may have been, but since the 1940, 1930, 1920 census are available on-line that may give you some hints. If he was in the military, there may be some clues about then-spouses' names. His HS yearbook may even be a place to start. My parents were born in 1923 so I can see them in the 1930 and 1940 census, WW II military records, street directories in the 50's, property and voting records in the 60's, 70's 80's etc. Newspaper reports during that era, too. They didn't belong to social or church organizations (Elks, VFW, sports clubs, fire department/auxilliary, agricultural groups, etc.) but those are other sources to look for. Passport applications and immigration (for traveling, not just arriving in this country) are also helpful; educational records (HS, college, etc.) can offer clues. In short there really is tons of info to be found - you just have to start. The LDS family history centers may be very useful, as well, because if your relative is a Mormon, chances are he has contributed at least some of what he learned to their files as a record of his own lineage. They have micro-filmed their info and you can retrieve the micro-films through your local FHC. (There may be a small fee to postage to the center.) Also although some people keep their data on Ancestry as "private" (and no living person's data is viewable by anyone who didn't enter it, or agree to share the file) the data entered is not really un-findable, it's just not linked back to its source. I do genealogical research on behalf of my town's historical society which is studying the old buildings and patterns of settlement. Since almost none of this is related to my own family, I keep all my Ancestry family trees private (not my data to share in its organized form). But I can see what I've entered showing up in the general files that anyone can access. So you may find more than you expect. Don't let the silly family quarrel keep you from looking. No one owns their familiy's genealogical info, but everyone has a right to keep what they have gleaned from thier own efforts to themselves for whatever reason. If your husband is truly desperate to find the info out, there is a lot he, or you, can do to get the ball rolling. HTH L.
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I've been living with a married man for 8 years!!!!
Q
Comments (28)
Sweet luv let me tell you the most important thing about your situation. You are sinning against God for being with a Married man only consequential things are going to occur to you and he still is going to be married to his wife but your spirit is going to be ruined. Take it from me I was in the same situation as you exact but for 16 years. Everything was so good and every year he was going to divorce his wife and every year it was an excuse. Don't fall for it. I made triple the amount as he did, but 10 years later my sin caught up with me. I lost my income, lost my great career he got nastier and blamed me. He was very verbal abusive then turned physical when he knew his cash cow was living. Get out while you can it will only get worse. I was with him for 16 years you only done 8 I know what the love feels like but it's only one way. Jesus loves you more go after his love. Ever since I left him and got back with the lord my life has been restored. Don't wait to got humble you from your sin and take everything from you. Please trust me it's going to get way way way way worse. Please take it from someone with experience in the truth of what your going through. God Bless you and I hope you do the right thing. Kick him to the curb.
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My adult daughter is disappointed in me.
Q
Comments (41)
I used to think "family" was so important. As I aged I soon found out that "family" means nothing - it's your friends that count. Ideally, your family will be your best friends but often they can be your worst enemies (as I found out the hard way). This gives two choices, agonize over it and destroy yourself, or as I did, gather yourself together and realize "family" is a term of little or no intrinsic importance, concentrate on your friends including family friends and take deep breaths often. Coach yourself. How to deal with it? Well, have you coped with a death of close friend or family member? It's virtually the same thing. It's the death of a relationship. Accept that it's dead, remember the good times and you'll be able to move on. I accepted that someone else killed (murdered) my relationship with my father. I did not do it. By putting it in proper perspective helps coping with the situation. Not unlike a death, there's times it'll bother you, but it gets better and you move on unless you choose to keep it on yourself, drag yourself down and abuse yourself. Don't do that. It's not worth it. Sometimes you need to lose friends when they're bad for you. Sometimes our pretty skin becomes a festering boil. Do you continue to keep it because you've always had it or do you lance it, accept the short-term pain and move on. Why should ones who are technically "family" be treated differently than friends? A song lyric that means a lot to me is from Caledonia: I have moved and I kept on moving Proved the points that I needed proving Lost the friends that I needed losing Found others on the way Since the debacle I endured, I've found myself closer to some family members than ever before and I value that. Life is too short for toxic relationships. Nobody has the right to poison my life - only I have that right and I choose to not so do. There's enough others who want to make me feel bad, I don't need to help them do it. Now, there's some other things else that should be said. There's no perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they are have probably got their own problems. Accept that you could have made some mistakes but did those mistakes damage her that badly? I think not. For the sake of argument, let's say feeding her junk food, poor upbringing and depriving her of things hurt her. OK, she can throw a tantrum but by the time you hit 18-22 there's a thing called "personal responsibility"! By then, the parents obligations decrease dramatically. Even if she was fed poorly, raised poorly beforehand (and I'm not saying she way, again, in arguendo) it's time for HER to eat healthy, live a better lifestyle, grow up and be an adult. Adults need to accept their responsibility - not blame everyone else. Assign responsibility if appropriate then deal with it like an adult! She's long past the point where she can blame junk food as a kid or a perceived poor parent for her current life. My biggest concern is not for her, but for her kids. I don't know if she's got a husband or not but there's some responsibility there too if so, and shows yet another lack of maturity and responsibility. Lastly, this business of it's a dirty little family secret. BALONEY! It's a situation in life. Period. Don't try to hide it. Let it be known. I'm not saying attack her, but if someone asks who cares about you, why shouldn't they know that someone is trying to hurt you? I state facts, as unbiased and documented as possible and let people make up their minds. I tell them I have phone calls recorded if they don't believe me they can hear them and everything is stated calmly. I refuse to let them get me excited. Nope you're not going to raise my blood pressure (that much anyway). Someone who cares about you should know what's being done to you. I refuse to cover up the source of my family issue and when someone brings it up, yes I'll tell them my side of it. It's amazing how many people don't get both versions and what *should* they then think? I have stories on this too but this is long enough. My point is that if you try to hide this, cover up for her and think it's a "secret" you're only going to hurt yourself even more. I made that mistake for years. I learned my lesson. I hope you learn from my past mistakes. Now one other suggestion. Go out and do something special for yourself today. I don't care whether you and hubby go out for an enjoyable meal, take a walk by yourself, buy or pick yourself a flower, read a book you've been wanting to read, go to the library, a museum or call an old friend and rekindle a past relationship. Just reward yourself and do something kind for yourself for doing what is right and taking this like you have. Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself on occasion. You deserve it.
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Let the Past Go or Simply Go
Q
Comments (52)
"After my last parent died, by biggest regret was not having walking away from both of them completely at 18 years of age. All those additional years of trying, and caregiving, only resulted in more heartache and damage. Nothing good came of it." My father is still alive but I have a similar regret. Both of my parents were completely dysfunctional, abusive, and if I had a do-over knowing what I know now, I would walk away in my late teens before they did even more damage to me.Some of the worst decisions I ever made was from fear of my parents, parents who did nothing but instill a sense of fear and neglect in me. Catherine, I could be wrong but I suspect because of her age, you are worried she will pass away without you resolving the relationship. I felt the same way with my mother, I jumped through hoops to make things right and she still died without ever giving me what I needed from her, to basically feel loved and accepted on some level. Losing the opportunity to "fix things" was one of the hardest things about her death. But eventually I realized that she was never going to give me what I needed, she just wanted to keep manipulating me and abusing me because that was her thing, that was her power over me and she wasn't going to give that up. If you haven't got from her what you've always wanted and needed by now, it isn't coming.
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motherlode
17 years ago
thanks imaginny-happy easter to you
jazzlady1028
17 years ago
(Tried to post to the first one, i.e., "Part I" - all full - SO GLAD for this "Part II" - how I NEED to post this NOW, and GET IT OFF MY CHEST, so here goes...!!!) Oh wow, this is so true for me. My 22 and 18 yr. old daughters are close with one another and their dad, who lets them do AND say whatever they want and who has a larger house so they naturally both wanted to live with him after the divorce 12 years ago. Now that they are both adults, not only is the older one estranged from me (she and I never got along well, so it's no big surprise), but the younger one, a new adult as of Jan. '09, with whom I used to be very close from her birth to about age 14, is nearing that now. Their dad basically "emotionally kidnapped" both of them - he speaks condescendingly to me whenever I stop by and they learned it from him!! He is their "hero," as they can do no wrong in his eyes, or he in their eyes - it is always "party time" at his house, so why wouldn't they favor him? Yet he has done them a great disservice. I can't do anything about it. Yet I did everything for them, all the "dirty work" thru' the years, from diapers and bottles to providing financial security for their educations and other basic needs - both work part-time, but they sure need additional funds, so they really have taken advantage of me - one is in a design trade school, the other will attend a state university in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Their studies may seem great - but what am I left with for all my blood, sweat and toil?! Very little at all!! IÂve even had to help them with a few legal issues like an "almost DUI" when my younger one was a minor (age 17), and a couple of moving violations. My younger one was somewhat friendly to my 2nd husband (whom I married in 2002) in recent years, before she hit 18; but now, neither one of them shows the slightest interest in him or inclination to be friendly to him at all, despite knowing I am close with him and he has done a lot to make my life better in terms of companionship etc., plus the fact that he has tried to be friendly to them when there has been an opportunity. But his and my lives and activities (work, hobbies, etc.) mean nothing to them. The last 4 or 5 Mother's Days when we have gotten together, they have made little "time slots" for me, quickly giving me gifts such as bath products (oh wow), eating lunch "on the fly," and then saying "gotta go - see ya." THIS Mother's Day - I don't even think there will be any get together because I can't take the one-sidedness any longer - i.e., the totally one-way effort. Bottom line: I somehow must come to grips w/ this and somehow get to where I'm at peace w/ it. Thank you for your site, and I hope someone reads this post Â I also empathize with all of you who are in the same ÂboatÂ that I am. Thanks for reading this, if you do.

Here is a link that might be useful: Home of Nina Beck and All Key'd Up Musical Groups
pjb999
17 years ago
Jazzlady,

My story is almost yours in reverse. Mum was the primary caregiver so they felt a natural loyalty, plus, she kept the house and I was trying to earn a living to look after everyone so custody for me was not an option, and the girls probably wouldn't have opted to go with me.

Mum was responsible in terms of feeding and dressing but was not great at looking after the stuff she didn't want to, and emotionally was pretty messed-up and bankrupt, had a fearful temper etc. I stayed as long as I did to act as a buffer for one, between them and their mother.

They grew up listening to her tirades and emotional and verbal abuse of me, and not surprisingly learned to speak to me the same way. The eldest more or less grew out of it but is very coldly materialistic at times, and used to brag to her sister how she could manipulate me (ex actually was grown up enough to discuss that with me) until I caught on, she's bipolar which complicates things.

Youngest never got past looking at me how her mother saw/portrayed me. Eldest did figure that part out, and can see I am a good human being now I'm out of that situation.

My heart goes out to anyone estranged from/used by their kids, and I would *never* presume to judge someone who moves away/severs contact with their kids in those circumstances when it's too painful or they are being used or played off against each other.

When you look at the 'horrifying' statistics of fathers who do not seem to have any contact with their kids after the failure of a relationship, I know a lot of them are probably deadbeats, but equally, a lot of them have probably tried very hard to remain close but for their own health and sanity have had to remove themselves. It's not something done lightly, trust me.

I myself moved away because of compelling financial circumstances, my eldest was moving to another city to go to uni (and keeps as far from her mother and sister as she can, if not by word but by deed) and I had not seen the youngest for about 4 years. Not a choice I wanted to make by any means.
mariealways
17 years ago
I truly feel for those who are estranged from their children for reasons that are truly beyond their control. However, as a child who is estranged from one parent, I recognize that there are two sides to every story. I do not speak to my father and have not spoken to him in over a year and went without speaking to him for many years earlier. Truth is, I don't really care for him. There is no hate or ill-will. But due to numerous things he has done over the years, it's just gotten to the point where I do not care. I have my issues with my mother -- any child does -- but for her I care dearly and would never go without talking to her for any significant period of time. This may sound cold, but that is how I feel. My other siblings do not speak to our father either. I know for a fact that he tells everyone that its our mother's fault, that she has poisoned us against him, etc. etc. He fails to accept any blame for the way his relationship is with his children. It's always easy to blame someone else -- the other parent, the adult child, the adult child's spouse/significant other. A lot of times it may be impossible to break the estrangement, but perhaps if more parents estranged from their children would be honest with themselves about what they have done wrong to contribute to the estrangement, there might be a possibility of saving the relationship in more cases.
marymartin
17 years ago
Imaginny is a huge fake, and my mother. I am reading about me in amazement.

Wait I gotta crawl back into my tent, chew some tobaccy, you know in the trailer park I live in with my unemployed husband lacking in self esteem, whose dead mother plotted against mine.

You would just die if you actually saw or knew me. (banjos playing in the background)

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