Sweeby, I know this is so hard for you AND for your son. As a special ed teacher, I can throw out a couple ideas that have worked for me with some of my kiddoes. I have had everything from ID (the old MR), LD, ED, PDD, autism... One thing I would ask him if he says that he is not intelligent is what he thinks that means. Introduce him to Howard Gardner's "Seven Intelligences" and he will be able to see which kind of intelligence he has. He needs to know that just because he is not strong on linguistic intelligence or whatever, he may be "people smart" or "art smart" or "music smart" as we explain it to our elementary school kids. There are so many careers that he should be able to find something he loves. His teacher/case manager should already be focusing on vocational goals for/with him Next, I am assuming that he has an IEP, so I would be sure it is addressing not only his academic needs, but also his social, emotional, and transition to work needs. If you don't feel it is doing that, request a meeting. An IEP is a document that can be rewritten at any time if changes are needed. Once a student hits 14, transition planning is a required element of the IEP process. Special education operates under Federal mandates and those are very clear. Some districts do a great job, some...well, not even acceptable. He should be allowed accommodations such as extended time on tests. Our state tests are untimed, but for timed tests, most of my students get extra time-at least time and a half and sometimes more. Check with your state DOE to make sure the school is just not wanting to take the easy way out here. I am not saying they would, but it takes a lot more scheduling time to administer tests to our sped kiddoes since you need extra teachers to administer the tests when not everyone is receiving the same accommodations. For instance, if some get extra time and read-aloud, they need to be in a separate group from those who get only extended time. It is a nightmare for the test coordinator, but it is necessary to ensure that my students receive what has been agreed to on the IEP. Also, the school psychologist and/or counselor may run something like friendship groups during lunch or at other times that can offer specific, direct instruction in a social setting for kids who need help navigating the world of human interactions. Don't be afraid to push back if your son isn't getting what you believe he needs. Every district should have a monitoring and compliance division for parents and students whose concerns are not addressed at the school level. Knowing that he may have to work longer and harder than some others is a good lesson, but it can also be extremely frustrating and discouraging if he realizes his entire life may be one of always having to work longer and harder and never achieving as much. He needs to find his passion and then everyone can work together to see that he can incorporate that into his future in some way.

yes, the oldest has add... which I work with to upteenth degree. We actually already have the homework rule... ours is more like even if you dont have homework you have homework... you have to review what you did in school that day to make sure that you understand everything. Which, is why I find it so frustrating that he or rather they lie about having homework. It is not like they get out of doing work, they just end up in trouble for lieing and not doing their homework. It is ridiculous in a lot of ways ... why spend an hour reviewing everything from the day when you could have spent 15 minutes doing the assignment the teacher gave you. They are just playing every angle that they can and unfortunately it's working on a lot of fronts and I am exhausted. For example: the kids were at their moms house this weekend. The oldest had a report to do. I meet BM at 6 monday morning to take kids to school and oldest didnt do his report. I asked if BM knew and he said "well I asked her if I should finish at your house and she said I guess so" Ofcourse I am highly irritated because we had a very specific conversation on satureday about what he needed to do. And, ofcourse, I make him sit there and do his report. But, to top off the entire deal I show DH what he didnt do... he gets onto oldest ss about it makes a big deal. But then I have to go to school that same evening (report did not get finished before school which I made sure DH knew) and I dont get home until after 9 and he didnt do the first thing on the report and DH says that he didnt realize what he needed to do. So, I end up staying up with ss until late late to make sure the report got done. And then, the next morning DH gives the grounded boys doughnuts even though it is his own rule that when grounded you dont get treats. I don't know... I feel like they are doing it to test me sometimes. It's not like anyone else is holding them to right and wrong and doing what they are supposed to do. (well I suppose that is unfair DH does back me up but i feel like if I didn't say this is the problem it wouldnt be brought up) Really, I honestly feel like they are testing how far they can push and I will still stand strong... but then I feel like maybe they are starting to have an attitude of you arent my parent that has never really been an issue before because they weren't teenagers. i tried to disengage tonight and just let DH handle everything but that sooo didnt work... it is not in my nature. I tired to busy myself in my room organizing... I didnt ignore them, I helped them with homework and answered questions but my goal was to make sure that DH made sure they got their homework done and made sure they werent just wandering around doing nothing... but i couldnt help it... I couldnt just watch oldest ss playing with the girls knowing that he had a stack of homework on his bed... ugggghhh it pretty much boils down to I am frustrated!!

As a mom, I understand your wife's feelings. I have two sons ~ 20 & 23. The 23 left at 18 because he didn't like my rules, he came back several times because he couldn't loaf in any one place very long... but when I allowed him to come back, he ALWAYS had conditions! Had to find a job... spend his day looking, not sleeping all day. He had to do chores... more chores if he wasn't working because he had more time. He had to pay $50 a week. and he had to follow our house rules.. no staying up all night watching movies or playing video games, clean up after yourself, and he could only fix himself meals when we were preparing our meals. (He was welcome to eat what we were having but if he didn't like it, he could fix himself something else... but he could only do so when I was making dinner~ not after all the dinner dishes were done & kitchen was clean, because even though he had to clean up after himself, he is not very good at it so we'd end up having to do it over.) Consequently, my son CHOSE to not stay with me very long.. usually a few weeks & he'd find someone's couch. That's why he came back several times. We stuck to our conditions and he kept coming back, hoping we'd let him slide. He eventually joined the military and has matured a lot in the last two years. But, I am also going through it with my 20 year old son... having to stay firm & consistent with the rules. If they don't like it, they are "adult" age and can go do something else. You should not feel like a prisoner in your own home & suspect your wife agrees but it's her son & she doesn't want to turn him away, but maybe is conflicted because she remembers how bad it was when he was there before... I feel for her. Oh yeah, if he is leaving Dad's because he doesn't like the rules or being told what to do, does he think it will be different in your home? I think this is one time you & your wife should get together with Dad & stepmom to have the same rules/expectations in both houses.

dunmoanin, I am so glad i have read your post. My situation is not what you have discribed but i see some similarities. I had a blow out with my husband last week. I understand that men from divorce are stuck between two families...but last week just took the straw for me. I'm lucky , very lucky in one sense because my sd does nto live with us. She comes EOW. BUT she manipulates and tries to hog alot of time from her father when it suites her. IE she is very jealous of her own brother when he spends time with his dad when they both come over. My dh puts her in her place but this jealousy has been there since i'm met her when she was 5 years old. She definitely was jealous when i came into her dads life and he again put her in her place. So in none sense , dad doesn't put his daughter all the time on a pedestal BUT he does favor her above both his sons...which i find disgusting. He does share way too much info...i mean, all daily activity with her on the phone when she phones. She use to phone all the time...but thankfully that has stopped because she is older, in her teens and fights with her dad because he now has opened his eyes. But what happened last week really stabbed me. I have been testing her by telling her about plans ahead of time...and she sabotages them. I only told my dh 2 days ago. I blew up...God help...i've never been so angry in my life and some of the things i said were so vile towards him and his daugther but i just erupted. i basically said that he should marry his daughter and go......i wont say it further...but you get the gist..... i told him she says jump andhe says how high...that he backstabbed me as a wife and friend. He knew we had plans but the dear daugther phones and he promised to take her to lunch and watch her game and dumps all the plans out the door for the entire family for her! Well i told him off , told him my feelings..and also told him to keep his plans wih his daugther and that i would make other arrangments. i slept separatly for 2 nights We spoke, mended...and low and behold she phones again..says someting to him that shocked him and he defended me..and told her to stay at home ... I'm drained....i'm unhappy...not at my husband...but at the events that unfolded. The stupid games...andi todl him last night that i'm starting to hate her, resent her and not care....its building. I wnat to let it go..but i do not trust her and she plays games.....Been taught by her mother , she's influenced by her mother....so there is nothing i can do about it....but i do notsee it gettign any better when she is older. I just see more games...i just pray that my husband keeps his eyes open. He does buckle from time to time. He said he wanted to give a diamond necklace for her sweet 16....keep in mind he doesn't havea penny to his name! He wont give jewellery to me but he wants to do it for his daughter!!!!????? I'm not jealous. Honestly i'm not. BUt i just do not think its normal for a man to share every detail moment of his life with his daugther....he's also pulled back from doing that now as well. But how long will this happen? After reading your story, i just cannot believe you stayed that long and took so much disrespect. I had one incident last week and i made sure he knew exactly how i felt adn i told him he goes down that path, i will be out the door...no lie there! I encourage him to see his kids and be with them....but not to leave me hanging because of sd manipulations. To make him choose between me and her..or now...her and my son. I hate it. I hate the games. Its disgusting me this week and i'm sooooooo upset about this. I really have no interest in seeing her next time. I need a break