I am so sorry for your losses. I had a similar situation, but mine was my mother and brother. My mom had a heart attack and while she was in the hospital she also suffered a stroke. We had all of our attention on helping her get better and my 47 year old brother had a heart attack and died. On the day we were having his viewing they decided to send my mom home from the hospital. We were all in shock over her sickness, his death, and then we had to get her home and settled. My brother wasnÂt married, and he lived with my mom. I have 6 other brothers and 5 sisters all scrambling around to get things settled and get to the viewing, so some of us were there at different times, and not all of us at the same time, which probably seemed strange to friends and family that werenÂt aware of the situation. Anyway what IÂm trying to get at is we didnÂt feel we gave him proper attention during his death, so when the 6 month mark came, my mom was doing much better, and we were still in numbness and grieving, we decided to have a celebration of his life. We got the activity center at our church, invited friends and family to celebrate with us. We asked that each person write down a memory they had of my brother, and if they had any pictures to attach them to the memories, and we made them into a scrap book. It wasnÂt anything formal, just friends and family and memories. We were able to laugh and cry together and give our undivided attention to his memory. So I think maybe you could do that for your son, and get some closure to your feelings of not giving him your full attention. By the way, I think you gave all you could give considering the circumstances. Again, I am sorry for you losses!

That put a big smile on my face! LOL I told my son not to eat something off the ground when he was young. Next time we had carrots, guess what he said?

Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

Everything I do and don't do makes me feel like a bad mom. For instance, if I work with DS on his spelling words, I feel like a bad mom because I'm not giving him any relaxation (down) time. If I don't work with him on his spelling words, I feel like a bad mom because he fails his spelling test or doesn't get a good grade. If I have him do chores, I'm a bad mom because I'm making him put off creative things that he wants to do. On the other hand, if I don't make him do chores, he's not learning responsibility. If I stay home with him, we don't have any money. If I go to work, we don't have any time together. If I let him stay up past bedtime to spend time with me, I'm a bad mom because he's not getting enough rest. If I make him go to bed on time, I'm a bad mom because I'm not spending quality time with him. I divorced his dad because he was violent and cheated. So I'm a bad mom because I took his dad away. If I would've stayed, I would've been a bad mom for letting my kid be in that abusive situation. As far as FSD goes, I'm a bad FSM if I don't buy her what she wants. If I do buy her what she wants, I'm a bad FSM because I'm indulging and already over-indulged kid and teaching her to be materialistic.