There is no cure for a disparaging MIL except, well, time. You'll likely outlive her.

It isn't your old house that gets her going, even if you lived in a brand new mansion with a full staff, it's likely she would disparage away. Smile and ignore, which will be excellent practice for when she moves on to her childrearing opinions...

Molly~

I remember what Dear Abby (do people still remember her newspaper column?) had to say when a mother in law or other relative constantly critized about something. She advised that you sweetly say, "You're probably right. I'll think about it." Then you change the subject. Be persistant about responding in the same way each time. Like training a dog, repetition is key. And keep in mind that what is going on in mother in law's head is her problem, not yours.

Also, this is another approach: have you tried telling her how much you love her son? How she did such an excellent job of raising him? Tell her all his wonderful attributes and give her the credit. Have you sent her flowers from YOU on Mother's Day to thank her for raising such a wonderful son? It may help stem the tide of critisism that probably comes from her feeling that you have taken her baby away from her.

I love the way my lovely lady handled such a situation with my Mother.

After listening to Mother kibbitz about the house design, selection of home decor and numerous other complaints my lovely lady looked her dead in the eye and said, "You know what Mom, I think your right. We will never be able to find a home like yours. How about we move in with you and we could save our mortgage money for a trip to Europe or a new Hummer."

Once upon a time, two women were sitting on a porch drinking tea. The 1st women says to the second:
"See this House? My husband gave it to me on the birth of our 1st child!"
To which the women replied "Isn't that nice..."

The women continued: "see that Mercedes parked out in the driveway, my husband gave that to me with the birth or our second child"
To which the women replied "isn't that nice..."
The 1st women further gushed "See this 3 karot ring, my husband gave it to me on the birth of our 3rd child"
To which the women replied "isn't that nice..."

The 1st women turned and asked, "What did your husband ever give you?"

The second women replied: "finishing lessons, I used to say F* you all the time, now I just say "Isn't that nice"".

Tell the joke to your husband, then have some fun! It works, ask me how I know;-)

Thank you so much!!

I think I'll try a little bit of everything- except Lazypup's threatening to move in..... she constantly asks my husband, "So when are you getting a divorce and moving back home?" to which he responds "never."

Been married 17 years now.

Buddyben, tried the dear Abby thing with the flowers, my Mom told me to try it- MIL called and asked why would I do that and not to do it ever again, afterall I'm not YOUR mother??!!!

Housekeeping, outlive....hmmm nice thought but how does the saying go? "The good die young" ;) she's 87 and a dynamo!

Wianno- so funny I thought I'd wet myself!! So, I'll take the bait, How do you know?...

I am feeling better thank you! My response, "You're probably right, I'll think about it."

Love!

It not my MIL, It my passive agressive Mother! My wife and I just role our eyes and respond "isn't that nice!" She just thinks she won, and we have our little inside joke to releive the pressure and understand we are on the same side...

In my case, it is not the MIL, it's the mother! Actually, it is almost easier for me, because I do not have to be as polite. Do you have anything that you have been thinking of doing that falls into the "treat" category? Plan on that splurge the day after she leaves. It won't deal with the situation as much as extending your patience/tolerance, and maybe help keep your sense of humor through it... 'Lady as soon as you leave, I am eating that 2 lb box of Godiva chocolates!' How about a massage, to get rid of the pains in your neck after the 'pain in the neck' leaves? Hey, if nothing else helps, get up a half hour earlier each day and give us a daily update. Maybe we can keep you laughing.

In my case, it's my idiot brother that likes to make comments. The first time he saw our house, before we had begun any renovations, he said to me upon walking in "Wow, what a dump!",

Then, after we finished the foyer and living room, he came again and said "Oh, that wallpaper is giving me a headache", and "you actually PAID MONEY TO SOMEONE for that lamp?"

So, I just turned to him and said "You aren't interested in getting any more invitations to come over, are you?"

And he hasn't been invited since ;)

Mine is a step Daughter and her daughter..."Well MOTHER never had anything there" or "GRANDMOTHER never did that..."...I just grit my teeth and think to myself..."yep, and MOTHER isn't here anymore either :^) Fortunately I have a L O N G fuse, and a very short memory!!!!

I guess she just doesn't understand that our house is our hobby! She thinks everyone should live in a pristine brick ranch where you care too much about what the neighbors think.

When she asks why the dining room isn't finished I'm going to ask if she would like to help and leave a list....

When she asks if we would like to have a used kitchen cabinet of hers for a piece of bedroom furnitre??!!! I'm going to say- "wouldn't that be nice"

When she asks me, "Are you sure you don't want to comb your hair before we leave?" I'm going to say, "That seems very insulting and hurt my feelings, is that how you meant it?" I do have naturally curly hair, but everyone I know loves it-especially her son!

The lessons on the web! We do have plans for the beach- we drop her at the airport and keep going!! Plus a huge banana cake with chocolate frosting (yes chocolate!!) has my name all over it.

I'm glad I asked! There is always someone in our lives that we have to convince we're NOT out of our minds- Wait until she hears she has to pee on the compost pile!!! Well, maybe that would be a bit much ;)

Love!

Invite her to leave if it's that troubling to her.

Some of these answers have me laughing out loud, but you know that it's really your husband's job to deal with her. When she makes a disparaging remark, it's up to him to defend your home and to defend you.

A woman had two children,a son and a daughter,both married. Her friends asks How is your daughter doing? And she answers, "Just wonderful, her husband is so good to her,he hired a cleaning lady and a cook. She doesn't have to lift a finger." And how is your son? Terrible, his wife is so lazy,she never cooks or cleans. "

My DW takes golddust's approach and adds a bit more. As in "Are you always such an *hole or are you making a special effort just for me?" (I must admit that this comment may result in an uncomfortable pause in the conversation at the table)

My grandma got that treatment on the second visit to my home 20 years ago. DW and gran have gotten along smashingly since then.

A bully only respects strength - not character, grace or dignity.

My husband actually does deal with it, when he's around to hear it! Like most bullies- and I hadn't really thought of that before- she waits to swoop down and attack when I'm alone with her. Needless to say I do almost anything for that not to happen.

This has helped me so much! The jokes are soooo funny and the advice is priceless.

I really hadn't thought about her feeding on me as a bully would so I am going to stand up to her. I would never let anyone else treat me so poorly, but because of the dynamics of things I've always just kinda taken it. BAM! In a flash I will be Wonder Woman!!!!

Thanks, I knew I wasn't alone,
Love!

You people aren't alone and probably don't have mother in laws near as bad as the people that post stories to the website below.
Click on Latest Stories for the horror.

Here is a link that might be useful: Mother in Law stories

My mother's way of indicating her dislike for something (a paint colour, a new piece of furniture, picture etc) is to point it out and say "Do you like that?"

This gets my sarcastic side revved up. Last time I said in a conversational tone "Well, no. It's pretty hideous, which is why I spent money on it and rearranged the furniture to make sure it's displayed properly"

We had a few when we did ourhouse.My brothernlaw came up when we were restoring the house,a 1700 farmhouse,my hubby is a builder too.He said wouldnt it be easier to tear down and build new?I couldnt believe him,now they tell me it looks lioke a house in a magazine..so we must have made an impression on him.Smack her ...that should help..just kidding I dont have a MIL>>>

""Well, no. It's pretty hideous, which is why I spent money on it and rearranged the furniture to make sure it's displayed properly"

ZING!

:-D

OMGosh, That site is too funny!!!!
After hearing all the sweet stories about MIL's at school (I teach) I thought I'd vomit. Some of the stories on the site are JUST like mine. (Sad statement on our society)

I love my house and I have a lot of blood sweat and tears in it- and yes there are days I wish I had a new house i.e. when we have no walls and the ceiling needs micro lams with steel plates!!- plus winter is coming.... but most of the time I LOVE IT, as does Hubbie and the kids.

Now I have amunition to deal with it and a lot of jokes just to make me giggle!!

Love!

Heather

She may leave when she finds herself dissatisfied!!

17 years of putting up with all that! Awful!! I've had 2 MIL, both of them lovely and sweet, never interfering. And I appreciated them both. Now I'm a MIL for the first time, and hope I'll be the same.

The first time my exhusband (he and I became good friends) came over to see our old house in what was at that time a very rough urban neighborhood, and the house was in the throes of a full scale renovation and was a dreadful mess, he tried to say something positive, which was: "You have vision." It's become a family joke, because we did have vision. And the house is fabulous. If someone doesn't like it, that's their loss.

I remember reading an advice column (Ann Landers, I think). A reader wrote in her response whenever someone said something rude to her. She simply would pause and say, "Excuse me??" I thought this was brilliant. It lets them know you were offended....without too much drama.

Kompy

I live with my mother in law who has taken over the house and home. The house was originally mine and my husband and his mother moved in with me. I have tried saying my piece in form or another and I am wrong. If I do say something that would work out, she thinks she came up with the idea. I have tried to have my husband back me up and that won't ever happen. He has been with his mommy too long.

I feel for you. I call my husbands relatives the OUT laws they are not my IN laws. Thats for sure. They used to bother me until one day it dawned on me. These people are not my friends. Im not sure I really like THEM either. So why do I care what they have to say. Besides when you let other people rule your moods you give them power over you. I choose whether Im happy or sad, mad or glad, whatever. Not them or anyone else for that matter. Take back your power. Their opinions are just that. Their opinions.

Try to relocate your sense of humour. Think of it as material for interesting conversation with your friends for later.

Agree with everything. " You are absolutely right. That is a positively horrible vile atrocious _________. Thank you so much for telling me." Say what all the above posters said. Only say it with a straight face, wide eyed amazement and sincerity. Dont forget to gush. LOL.

This will have an added benifit for you. Being nice to mean people drives them crazy. It takes all the fun out of it for them when they cant get you going. The meaner my Out laws are to me the nicer I am to them. AWWW. Someones grumpy. Do you need a nap. Have you eaten anything. Would you like a drink. Please sit. You must be exhausted. Oh you poor thing.

Right on Stanlie! After years of putting up with junk from my outlaws I quit trying. I ask myself if they were people I had met would I pursue a friendship. The answer was no.... then all of a sudden they started being nice. Too late, it just didn't matter anymore. I am not rude, mean but I do keep my distance. I am always kind at family gatherings, but I take what they have to say with a grain of salt. It is just one thing I have marked off my list to care or worry about. I have great friends who mean alot more to me.

I've always liked the following retort to a rude and obnoxious person:
"You know, if I valued your opinion I might get angry"

Hart

How did the visit go? I loved this thread. I had a very obnoxious MIL in a past life. I wish I would have had been able to read this thread. She's part of the reason she's my EX MIL.

I've always liked the following retort to a rude and obnoxious person:
"You know, if I valued your opinion I might get angry"
Hart

ROFL that is too funny This thread is too much. Fortunatly i have a great MIL (plus she's in MD and I'm in FL... so even if she wasn't we wouldnt be close for daily contact) I do wish i could say the above comment to the rude people I have to deal with on the phones (I'm a customer service rep)... but, alas, I would probably get fired.

Darlynn

I've enjoyed this thread as well, and all the solutions people manage to think up to handle those situations. I had great MILs, who sometimes said offensive things, but never on purpose. That I can overlook and smile about.

But, every family has at least one of these people and in my case it was a B-I-L. My ex-spouse and I had just purchased a grand old Victorian. It was actually in good shape and our renovations consisted mostly of getting the gooey gunk off the "acres" of beautiful natural woodwork and lots of soap and water. It had wonderful tall ceilings, and original light fixtures and bay windows, the whole nine yards. His children made the innocent remark that they would love to live in a house like this with all the nooks and crannies and a real upstairs. I just waited for the remarks to begin........and I wasn't disappointed.

How does one decorate a Victorian house? With antiques, of course and that's what we did. Almost everything in the house was really that vintage, and came from auctions. His words were "what's the motif, early yard sale?"

I just said "you're *d* right and ten cents on the dollar. So, he proceded to sit in a priceless antique chair I'd asked him not to sit in and split it. Guess he showed me. LOL.

The next thing his children coveted he didn't own was a horse. So he refers to my nice Morgan Walker as an old nag. Of course he instantly became a horse expert. rofl. You just gotta smile at people like that, because it's about jealousy.

"My MIL always has something to say about the house and it is NEVER nice. Most of it is downright mean. I keep a clean, well organized home and can't figure out how to handle the criticism...."

Pull out a phone book and start calling around to hotels to see if they'll handle a crotchety, annoying woman.

My ma likes to throw out the "I wish extreme home makeover could come and build you a new house". I always reply back with, "But Mom, the kids and I love our home, and it might be old, but at least I'm not losing sleep over my mortgage payment". I made a concious decision to not buy more than I can afford. Eveytime I tuck my kids into bed, I know I did the right thing.

Amen! I used to get those remarks from a step child about the money and commitment we made to our old house. But, at the end of the day, my husband and I love it. It suits us. We can afford it. And the most important thing of all, nobody else is obliged to live here or even visit, if it bothers them so much. LOL. Some people's idea of a beautiful home is a ranch on a lot of mowed ground. That's fine! They should get one.

A very wise friend once told me something that I use alot more often than I ever thought I would....here's the cleaned up version...backside is the substituted word...

Opinions are like backsides. Everyone has one and most of them stink.

Say this to yourself (or out loud, if approrpriate) when the discouraging comments come and I bet you'll find yourself with a slight smile on your face.

I'm laughing reading these!

It's amazing how rude people can be, isn't it? We get comments all the time from people. "When are you going to finish this, you should just bulldoze it and build new, yadda yadda!" I get so annoyed! I truly think that some of it is jealousy. Alot of people would be too intimidated to take on a historic home, and when they see what hard work can do, it gets them a little jealous.

What makes me mad is the fact that if I were to make a comment about their ugly, lifeless, no character new home, I'd be a witch, but they can say whatever they want about an old home in the process of restoration! WTH?? That always makes me so mad!

I don't have a MIL, she passed away years ago. My FIL is married, and she's a witch. She hates us and can be really jealous about our house. My FIL has a really old house, but there isn't a speck of character in it. The old woodwork is all gone, the outside is vinyl and has none of the original moldings, and the porches he put in are all concrete and he had aluminum columns which didn't at all go with the house. When new wife came in, she had the house resided and porch posts replaced the columns, but it still has no character, so she's really jealous of our place.

Our local newspaper did an article on our home, and she NEVER has mentioned it to us, and we know she has seen it. We live in a small town, and she works in the village hall, and countless people have commented to us about it, and we know they have commented to her as well. I'm sure that made her blood boil! lol She gets the paper and so does the village hall, so she read it. She also won't come to our house for our children's birhtday parties. She conveniently needs a vacation every 4 months, just when our kids have their birthdays. She avoids our place like the plague! I find the silence and ignoring almost more annoying than mean comments that I could say a witty comeback to.

My BIL also has made countless comments about our house, he's such a little jerk! I do give him comebacks. He's the one who is a childless bachelor that loves to give out child rearing advice as well! *roll eyes* He's an incredibly jealous person though.

Anyway, I loved reading all of these! It's nice to have a thread to vent on! lol