Dealing with emotional clutter over 'things'
jeanim
16 years ago
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jannie
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolucy
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
How to help a friend in an emotional abusive relationship
Comments (9)Thanks for the suggestions and appreciated the input. Agreed that one should inform his family if it's emergency. Possibility he might be suffering from early stages of dementia and I have no idea if he is seeking medical profession for that. Why, he's got symptoms like short term memory loss (cannot remember recent events), anxiety, depression, changes in his behaviour and personality. He said he has been having a gradual short term memory loss over a number of years. I know of another elderly friend and this friend too is suffering from gradual short term memory loss and the effect is gradually debilitating. It's difficult to suggest to him to go check his short term memory loss out with a doctor, as he is not one that would take advise well. So all I can do is give him a phone number of helplines here and let him sort it out himself. I will add that he is finding it hard like confused and lost with even managing his own life. He also suffers from bowel issues and must go to the toilet straight away. It's not funny because wait till you and I reached an elderly age we too would suffer from incontinence and bowel problems, therefore have some compassion and empathy. Many years ago I know of a friend's Mum she suffered from dementia for many years and no one knew about it, not even my friend and my friend's Mum's relatives. It was only a year before she passed away something was done about it. My friend after living in another country for a decade, had to make decision to come back after making the decision to live in another country for good, then returned to sort the situation out. I can inform you that my friend's Mum's condition by the time it was sorted out it was very sad, because my friend's Mum did not seek medical profession to get assistance and help years before, therefore no one knew my friend's Mum was suffering from dementia to intervene earlier....See MoreNew approach to others' clutter--wish me luck
Comments (16)Those are all good ideas. I already have some experience with keeping track of various papers and with filing systems--I have "my own" filing areas for the kids, for family health records, for my hobbies, and when each of my parents (who were divorced) developed health problems and dementia, I kept all their accounts, papers, mail, sales of homes, etc in "my" study. And I have some idea of how I would set up a filing system for all of this other stuff if I were doing it all for me. What is a bit more difficult is first, getting to the point where I can help and second, trying to see whether "we" are setting up a filing system that works for him, or me, or both. Meaning, what's a bit new in my thinking is whether ultimately he might never be able to keep up any system and so I take over more of the system and the filing and then tell HIM where stuff is, or whether he would collaborate and let me be "the consultant" so if h e wants labelled shoeboxes instead of files, that's fine, etc.--what I am trying to go to a new level on is, how to "feel out" the situation as to whether he is overwhelmed and will never ask for help but really wants it, or whether it is some line I can't cross. So I'm moving into being more pro-active but trying (very hard for me, sometimes!) to keep saying to myself, remember the big picture, the long haul, and not instant gratification, and also, bite my tongue when I'm tired and cranky and feel like saying something that is accusatory. Since he almost never asks for help, with anything, we all in our family probably think of him as invincible, and I'm kinda hopeful that he might actually want help if it's done right. harrietthehomeowner, I don't think outside help is right for him. But again, what will help me most in trying to do something now is to focus on family needs--that clearly I would never be able to take over, or even help out, with our papers and stuff if anything happened to him(illness or other) and I'm hoping even he can see that that would be a bad situation for our family. Whereas, if it's the guy's toolshed or hobby shop, you could just shut your eyes. cocontom, great point about the electronic conversions--he is actually the most "on line" person in the family and is probably receptive to doing more--mostly we have the busy-syndrome, where you have to make yourself carve out time to do things that will save time in the long run. One thing that is obvious is that I will have to find an extended period of time--don't have that until later in the fall--to actually start the project physically, but could be planning what types of shelving or filing equipment needed. I'm free to play around with floorplans on my own! This is one of those things where, since you can't move in the room, you need to haul everything out and say, what goes back in? It's like, you can't really sort through boxes of stuff until you have alternative destinations for each category. Here is one more interesting point that may test how committed I am. When we moved to this house, "his study" was to be this destination financial stuff, tools,etc, and "my study" was the combo guest room, photo file repository, various family-use items, and whatever I wanted, I guess. So I have guest linens, out of season decorations, hobby supplies, gift wrap, family mementos from my parents, and just "stuff" of mine, pretty well organized. And folks can get and use stuff from there, or I can get it for them. So--and wonder if folks can relate to this--I have a tendency to think I am using my space "well" for the family and he is not. You know how as the DW, you tend to think that ultimately all spaces are yours--it's hard to view any areas as sacred and off-limits to your organization and cleaning and meddling. So, if it somehow turned out that he could not "share" this filing concept, but said, well, if you're going to take over, do it somewhere else than my room, I don't know if I'm big enough to sacrifice my space to put all of it--I would have to completely re-do how my space is organized and would not have room for some of the fluff and stuff I have. I don't think that would happen, but I just wondered....See MoreHow to deal w/ things that I think 'have value'
Comments (49)When I had an extended illness that lasted for years, I lost all energy, was in so much pain I couldn't think, and shopping made me feel better. So I went from a minimalist home to a cluttered, junky house. I didn't really notice it at first; I was too focused on the pain and fatigue I was dealing with. But as my health issues were resolved, I was appalled at the mess my house was in. I discovered Freecycle.org and cleared out a bunch of stuff, little by little. It was hard at first to let go of things, but I really wanted my clean, organized home back. So I started posting boxfuls of things on Freecycle. Then I discovered Ebay and Craigslist and realized that some of my things actually have quite a bit of value. I had tried to sell some of these things at a yard sale and could only get about 50cents per item, but on Ebay or Craigslist, the same items might get me $10 or $20. Knowing that I could actually get some "mad money" for precious belongings spurred me into gathering up more and more and listing them. In an effort to clear things out quickly, I'd list "lot" or "boxes" of similar items, like a collection of Danielle Steele books. I could sell the whole collection instead of selling one book at a time. I sold collections of craft supplies by the box. And box by box, I've been able to clear out my house. But once I got started clearing it out, I haven't been able to stop, which is a good thing. While my house is now once again neat and organized, it's not as minimalistic as I want. So I'm continually going thru shelves, cabinets, drawers, closets, etc and pulling out more stuff I can sell. I have shelves in my laundry room where I can store stuff I'm selling. This way, I can pull it out of my actual living space, out of eyesight, out of my way, and I can store it neatly in the laundry room until it sells. You might designate a closet, guest room or such for all the stuff you "weed out". Organize it into lots and list it on Craigslist. For the past year, our local newspaper has been offering one free classified ad weekly, so I've taken advantage of it to sell bigger items. About 80% of my listings in the newspaper have sold. About 70% of my listings on Craigslist sell. There are three Craigslist within 2 hrs of me, so I can list on all three to get a wider audience. Believe it or not, I've actually had people drive 5 or 6 hours for some of the stuff I've listed on Craigslist. Many of the consignment shops around here have expanded to sell more than clothing. They also sell furniture, nicnacs, books, etc. You might check with your consignment shops; you might be able to consign quite a bit of your stuff. Consignment shops usually take 50% of whatever the item sells for. Usually, I can sell my own items for two or three times what I'd get if I consigned it, so I sell it myself. If you have a lot of stuff, though, you might consider renting a booth in a well-patroned flea market. Some are fairly cheap, like $25/mo. Some charge a commission in addition, but some don't. Personally, I find Craigslist the easiest way to sell. You just write a description, name your price, and post up to 4 pictures. Pictures sell your items, so make sure they're good photos. You may not really NEED the money, but it would come in handy for the materals for your projects. And it's a wonderful incentive for decluttering. If you're like me, you really have some good stuff now, not useless junk. And it DOES have value. And people WILL pay for it. I've been able to do some home improvement projects, garden improvement projects, and buy new furniture with the money I've gotten from my "clutter". If you think about it as $10 here and $10 there, it doesn't seem like much. But if you sell a box of kitchen pots and pans and utensils for $50, that'll buy a tank of gas or several pieces of lumber, or a new ceiling fan--something else you can use. Also, if you sell on Craigslist, you might also set up a FREE www.blujay.com store. You can post an ad on Craigslist and then link to your blujay store where potential buyers can see everything you have for sale. You might be able to clear out several items to one buyer that way. It DOES take time to set up your store and write your ads, but you could alot a morning or a day a week to focus on sales. Honestly, you'd spend less time actually selling than you would worrying about letting go of valuable items you no longer need. Let us know what you end up doing. Are you taking before and after pictures? There's such a sense of accomplishment when you can see a big improvement....See MoreEmotional rollercoaster of home selling
Comments (35)Patty, it's been five weeks today and one serious buyer and five just curious to see the basement because they loved the pictures and wanted to get ideas. The one serious buyer was ready to make an offer however his 16 year old daughter was calling the shots; she said the home was too big; no way. Home is immaculate, unmarked floors, carpet and walls, exceptionally clean and is supported by the feedback received (even from tire-kickers); it's just two of us living here, no pets or kids with us. Sure this home is priced higher than COMPS but comes with significant upgrades. I understand I won't recover value of upgrades but at least 30-40%; then what do I know. Dropped the price, new price showing on MLS since yeaterday, all sites are still not updated and now waiting for a reaction. The feedback below was before the price drop; absolutely everyone had the same comments about the property condition. If I were not moving coast to coast, I'd be tempted to just lock up, move, be closer to our daughter and commence building the new home; one can't leave a home unattended with no one but cameras to take care. 1. How was the curb appeal of this home? **Excellent** Good Fair Poor 2. What was the appearance of the interior of the home? **Clean and well-kept** Average Improvement Needed 3. Are there any features of the home that need improvement or updating? **No Improvements** Exterior Interior Carpet Appliances 4. How is this property priced in comparison to similar properties in the area? About Right **Somewhat overpriced** Substantially overpriced 5. What other items stood out about this property? The basement is fabulous! The home shows very well....See Moregroomingal
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