Bride-- Just stumbled across this thread, and after reading it, I have a couple basic questions for you to think about: 1. Do you know how to please yourself? Sounds strange, but if you aren't aware of what it takes to satisfy you, it's pretty hard to show/explain it to someone else. It sure helped my wife and I when she let me watch her masturbate. We had not been able to find the right combination for her satisfaction prior to that. After watching what she was doing, I had a much better idea of what I needed to do. Unfortunately, we had been married 10 years (sex was okay, but I never felt that she enjoyed it as much as I did) before she got to the point she would masturbate in front of me. After she reached that point, it seemed like all aspects of our sex life improved--like she was finally less self-conscious about her body, and more tuned in to enjoyment. 2. If he gets "defensive", he's probably aware that things aren't all that great, but hasn't figured out how to improve things. It's a fine line to walk, figuring out how to encourage/direct without being taken the wrong way, but well worth the time and effort to figure out how to approach the matter with him. Sounds like you've got things going the right direction. Don't expect it to always be great, allow for some natural increases/decreases in sexual enjoyment. After 25 years now, we're still going strong. We still have things we would like the other to do better/differently, but we've found so many things we enjoy, that we usually do pretty well.

Boy it took a load off my mind reading other people's posts on this topic. It's a hard one to talk about with any of the 'normal' people you would talk to about things in your life. I realize the original poster is a woman discussing issues with her husband and I'm glad she isn't upset that men are 'hijacking' her post and discussing their own sexless marriages. I met my wife about 8 years ago and started dating just over 7 years ago. We got married in 2004. In my case my wife and I are the exact same age nearly 40 and just had twin boys a year ago; our only children as she had a tubal ligation during the C-section delivery. Our sex life was phenomenal during our first few years and I thought I had met someone with a 'matching sex drive' both for frequency and 'adventurism', although it hadn't been all that great even the last six months before we got married, but it was 'survivable' because while the frequency wasn't much and kept declining to the point of once every few months after we got married, the sex itself was awesome and not just 'orgasmic'. It also seemed that when we started trying to get her pregnant that maybe things were turning around. Not only were we having sex more frequently, but it seemed that we were laughing together more and definitely spending more time together outside the bedroom also. Unfortunately, the last time we had sex or physical intimacy beyond a brief 'closed mouth' kiss and a hug was the day she told me she was pregnant. Nothing since... over a year and a half now. I'm nearly at wit's end as my libido is and always has been very active, and while masturbation can 'take the edge off' it isn't really satisfying and becomes less so after becoming the only sexual stimulation you get. An affair isn't an option as I made a vow and that is more important to me than I can say in words, and would simply add guilt and self-loathing to my misery of not having sex with my wife. I asked her if maybe there was something physical she could ask her doctor about... she didn't talk to me for days. I've suggested counseling a few times and her attitude is that it would be basically worthless, but that if I wanted to go alone I was welcome to...great...thanks. The few times I've tried to 'come on to her' she has treated me like some creepy cousin at a family reunion, and when I try to kiss her and maybe rub her shoulder or back a bit in bed she literally flinches. That got me to the point of changing my bedtime to be well after hers just to avoid the temptation to touch her. We still sleep nude in the same bed so that seemed most prudent...but sad and frustrating. I've tried suggesting 'date nights' which she'll agree to but once it's 'date night' she's always 'too tired' and just wants to sit and watch TV; which I'm very picky about... not controlling the remote doesn't bother me as I would just as soon read as watch almost any TV, but there is stuff I just won't watch and my wife knows it, but she won't do anything else like go to a movie, or even just sit outside and watch the sunset. I know she's not cheating for too many reasons to count, but trust me... here is just one reason... she ain't the type to have sex with unshaven legs, and I don't mean 'stubble'... and she has gone weeks at a time without shaving since the pregnancy started. She really is a great person, a wonderful mother, good with animals and treats almost everyone she meets with respect and kindness... except me. I'm terrified that if our marriage melts to the point I'm miserable all the time I will be forced to get a divorce which in our country means I lose my boys. I'm not sure I can take that honestly. I never thought I would love something or someone so fiercely but I just can't imagine not seeing and playing with my boys every day. So what do I do? It's horrible that the only reason I'm not seriously contemplating divorce is that in our culture and legal system simply due to the fact that I have a penis I would never be given daily custody of my children unless she was simply incapable of caring for them... ala Brittany Spears... and thank God my children do have a mother who absolutely can and does care for them. So I reiterate 'what's a guy to do?' Any suggestions would be very welcome! Peace

The most important sexual organ is the brain... Remember what anticipation and your imagination did for you before you were married? That's the opposite of what your "thinking brain" is doing to you now. Now, you're thinking about it and worried about it, and anticipating a let-down, not an incredible loving experience. Your brain is getting in the way of your body, and your body is still inexperienced and learning. Talking to your doctor about switching methods of birth control is a good step, but above that, don't think about "the problem" so much. Thinking about it will magnify it, not solve it. Next time you and your husband have the right opportunity, try putting on some romantic music, light a few candles, then turn your brain off. Talk with your husband about pleasant, lightweight things until any worries in the back of your head are gone. While you're talking, enjoy looking at your husband, and appreciate all of the attractive qualities he has that make you tingle. You want to re-build the emotional intimacy before even starting on the physical intimacy. Once you're both relaxed, concentrate on your feelings -- the texture of his skin, the sensations on yours. Take what's feeling good to you and really experience that. Feel, rather than think about, the experience, and let your body, not your brain, guide you. It may also help to tune some of your senses out (listening to the music, visualizing colors or textures) and some of your senses in (his touch, smell of his skin). But above all, don't involve the thinking, rational part of your brain past the part where you decide "yes".

Ladies: I know it sounds like a cliche, but you really do need to FIND the time to be with your honey. There are weekends, holidays, mornings, nights for sex. But it takes only a little effort to let him know he is still special to you. Just call him at work when the baby is napping and tell him that you love him. Some of this conversation revolves around sex and the desire for sex will probably return to normal after your babies are a little older. But there is a larger, more important time management issue that most parents face and this is finding the time to "connect" with our spouse in our busy lives. You must do this to keep your families intact. It does not take much effort. It does not take much time. But it is really important. Don't let your husband slip away from you in your quest to be the perfect mommy. The perfect mommy is a good wife also. Mommabear